I won't give up:-Chapter 6
The next day, January 13th, Zayn told me he was going. 'I think it's best if I go...' he said. I remember sitting there and just watching him pack his bags then leave. Not one little bit of me plucked up the courage to say 'stay'. Just that one word and maybe everything would be different now. I remember every single day after that. It was utter torture. I had no one, no mum, no dad, no friends, no Zayn. My life wasn't mine anymore; I wanted everything to turn out like my dreams. Birthdays passed and no-one would call or send a card. Hate was all I had left. 'I hate myself, I hate myself!' I hated myself more than anybody or anything. I came to believe that everything that happened to me or around me was my own fault because I let it go on for too long. I hated myself so much that I wished I was dead. I wanted to be strong but inside I knew I was a wimp. I totally deserved everything that happened to me. What had I become? An utter animal living on benefits and microwave meals, I was too embarrassed to even show my face at Niall's wedding. Yes, Niall got married! So did everyone else. Liam got married first though, and then it was Harry, then Louis then Niall. I was and still am so proud of them all, I don't have a clue were Zayn is though. It was sad really. How it all ended so drastically. I still remember the look on his face, when I told him I was pregnant. He was over the moon to finally become a dad. Him, the first one out of the 5 boys to become a dad, and it was me who made him feel like that! Then it was me who made him feel like a piece of him had been cut out when the baby inside of me died. Then it was me who didn't stop him from leaving the day he walked out and never looked back. It was all me, it was all my fault! I suppose I can't change anything now though. I miss them all so so much. I miss Zayn the most though, obviously. He was my first ever boyfriend. I still find it hard when I roll over in the bed to find it's not him lying next to me. Even after all this time, I have kids and I have gotten married and still it's hard. It always will be. Maybe one day it will be easier but until that day comes, I will still miss him. I mean, can you blame me? Everything I ever went through was for him. 'If I jump you jump.' I still can't believe I let him just walk out. I had no energy left though, no energy to fight, no energy to move, no energy to even speak! I don't even know how I managed to realise what I was doing in order for me to pick my life back up. I remember I hadn't moved in days, the only time I would move was for food or to the toilet. I remember it was a Tuesday though, Tuesday 23rd May. I'm glad I remember it because sometimes the kids ask for stories of my child hood or 'how did you meet my dad?' Strangely enough every time they ask, I always think of Zayn. They're not even his children but he has been in these stories more than anyone. I hope whatever he is doing now, whether he has kids of his own or if he is off being the English teacher he wished to be, I hope he remembers me. I hope I'm in his stories, I hope he points to all the pictures and says 'that's her', I just hope he knows. We loved each other, such a young age but we did. I hope that one day I'll just walk around the corner and he'll be there. Just randomly. Then the kids will finally get to meet him, the main character. We can't wait!