Author's Note: This one-shot features fem!Poland (who I named Felicyta) and little!Prussia.
Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia or the commercial I'm parodying. They belong to their respective creators.
Bloody Hell! I'm Lost!
Arthur Kirkland walked out of his London flat one day. That day, there was to be a world conference held in Oxford, so he had to get moving, lest he be late.
As soon as Arthur stepped outside, he took out his HTC phone, which he had gotten over the weekend.
"Today's such a nice day," Arthur said to himself. "Maybe I'll jog to Oxford instead of taking the subway or bus." Then he put his headphones into the phone, turned on some music, and finally started jogging.
While jogging, Arthur passed many people; he even jumped rope with some kids on the street without even thinking about it. Afterwards, he managed to jump out of the way of a double-Decker bus coming his way!
About an hour later, Arthur stopped jogging as soon as he saw what his surroundings were.
"Hm," Arthur said. "This doesn't look like Oxford." He took out his phone and turned the GPS function on.
"You are in Liverpool, England," the GPS voice announced.
"Liverpool?" Arthur exclaimed. "Bloody hell! I'm lost!"
Meanwhile, at the University of Oxford—the location of the conference—Alfred and Matthew Jones, Francis Bonnefoy, Ivan Braginski, Yao Wang, Kiku Honda, Ludwig and Felicyta Beilschmidt and their 5-year-old son, Gilbert, Lovino and Feliciano Vargas, Toris Lorinaitis (Felicyta's brother), Antonio Fernandez Carriedo, and others were waiting for Arthur to arrive so the conference could commence.
Roderich Edelstein irritably checked his watch, then huffed. "It's already fifteen minutes past ten, and that British moron's still not here. I should've stayed in Vienna. At least I'd be eating cake and drinking tea right about now!"
"Oh, will you shut the hell up?" Ludwig groaned. He was trying to keep his fidgety, 5-year-old son, Gilbert still in his lap. "Gilbo, sit still."
"Yeah, Roddy McDumbass, shut the fuck up, you Austrian motherfucker!" Gilbert said and stuck his tongue out at Roderich.
Everyone's jaws dropped after they heard what Gilbert just said.
Felicyta looked at her son. "Like, Gilbo, where did you learn how to talk like that? I totally know it wasn't from me." Then she looked at her brother. "Tor? Did ya, like, teach my son to talk like that?"
"No, Zyta," Toris said honestly.
Felicyta then glared at her husband, who had a look on his face that read "Guilty as charged". She took Gilbert from Ludwig and placed him on her lap. "Potty mouth."
"Mes amis, I say we start this meeting without Iggy-brows," said Francis.
Back in Liverpool, Arthur dialed the number to the meeting place. Alfred picked up.
"Yello, The Hero speaking," Alfred said. "Who's calling, yo?"
"WILL YOU USE PROPER ENGLISH ALREADY, DAMMIT?" Arthur shouted into his phone. Then he calmed down. "Listen, Al, it's Arthur. I need your help. I got lost on the way to Oxford, and now I'm stuck in Liverpool. Can you come get me?"
"You want me to put liver in your pool, Iggy-brows?" Alfred asked. "Uh…sure, alright, I'll do it. Even though that's really weird."
Arthur was perplexed at what Alfred just said over the phone. "No, I don't want liver in my pool, Nimrod! And don't call me Iggy-brows! Ugh, never mind, just put someone else on."
Arthur waited until the phone was handed to someone else: Francis. Oh, no.
"Arthur, mon amour, bonjour!" Francis said with glee.
"Hey, Francey-pants," Arthur said with a grimace. "Listen, I need you to come to Liverpool and pick me up. I got lost on the way to Oxford, and now I'm stuck here!"
"Sure, no problem," said Francis. "There's just one thing…"
What's that?" Arthur asked uneasily.
"if I do this for you, you have to let me touch your butt, then marry me," said Francis. He chuckled.
"Oh, hell no!" said Arthur.
"Fine," Francis said, a little upset. He handed the phone to someone else: Antonio.
"Hola, Iggy-brows, ¿cómo estás?" Antonio said cheerily.
"Hey, Tony, can you come to Liverpool and pick me up?" Arthur asked. "I got lost on the way to Oxford. I was listening to music on my phone, and started jogging, and…well…here I am, in Liverpool."
"¡Claro, mi amigo!" Antonio said. "I'd be happy to; I'll be there soon."
"Thanks, Tony," Arthur said in relief. "I'll be waiting here, bye." He hung up and waited for Antonio to come pick him up.
Not long after he made the call, Arthur was picked up by Antonio. He got to the conference, and spent more than half of it trying to keep Francis off him, while Alfred laughed his butt off, Ivan sat on Matthew, Toris hid from Ivan, Felicyta threatened to turn Moscow into either Vilnius or Warsaw, Gilbert cried and hid with his uncle Toris, Ludwig was mad and looked like he was going to have an ulcer at any minute, and Roderich just sipped tea, which got knocked over, much to his utter devastation, by Yao's Wok of Doom he was using on Ivan to get him off Matthew.
After Arthur got home from the conference, he saw Peter standing by the pool.
"Peter, what is it?" Arthur asked.
"Iggy, there's liver in the pool," said Peter.
Arthur saw that Peter wasn't lying; there was, indeed, a whole bunch of liver in the pool! And he knew just who put it there!
"ALFRED FUCKING JOOOOOONES!" Arthur shouted.
Author's Note: Arthur, mon amour, bonjour!- Arthur, my love, hello! (French)
Hola, Iggy-brows, ¿cómo estás?- Hello, Iggy-brows, how are you? (Spanish)
¡Claro, mi amigo!- Sure, my friend! (Spanish)
By the way, Ludwig and Felicyta brought Gilbert to the conference because they couldn't leave him alone in their hotel. Toris would've watched him, but he was a representative in the conference, too, so he couldn't do it.