A/n: ….I apologize. In advance. For this. I just…I watched a Eleven/River video on youtube to Kesha's 'Booty Call' and I couldn't get it out of my head. And this…thing, was born. Um…this is slightly crack-ish. Well, not the dialogue, but the concept itself. This is three different scenarios in which River 'booty calls' the Doctor. I don't know why I'm writing this. I can't stop laughing…Sorry. Even if you think I'm insane, please review.

Disclaimer: No, I don't own Doctor Who or Kesha's song…and I don't want to. On her good days, I still find Kesha creepy…I refuse to write it with the dollar sign. Just no.

"So, Ponds, where to now? Arbenta, where they have exploding stars on display in a very large museum? Catlyna B, where the gravity orientates in a way that enables you to literally walk on the sky? Oooh, maybe Barcelona, the planet, not the Earth city. I always wanted to go there, but something always came u-Ow!"

The silly man stopped his, questionably spastic, spiel in order to hop around frantically, trying to pull something out of his back pocket.

"Doctor," the young Scottish woman laughed, "Are you all right?"

The Doctor was, somewhat clumsily, tossing around what looked to be a small brown, square pad of paper, "Yep," he examined it, "Just got a message, is all. Pyschic paper," he pointed to it, "Did I forget to mention that it heats up when you have a message?"

Rory raised one eyebrow dubiously, "Then why do you keep it in your pocket if you know it could start burning you at any second?"

He bit his bottom lip and frowned, like a kid confronted with one of his faults, "For reasons."

Amy shook her head, "You just never realized it was a stupid place to keep it, did you?"

He smiled kind of nervously, "No. Actually, I don't get messages on it all that often, so I just sort of…forget it's there."

Amy laughed continuously at her Raggedy Doctor and pushed his shoulder, "Well, go ahead and see if it's anything important, ya bafoon."

He frowned at her, feigning offense, and turned his back on her to childishly hide the message.

She only rolled her eyes.

The Doctor smiled slightly to himself when she couldn't see. He wasn't really offended, but he didn't know how else to get Amelia to not treat him like a child. The only times she does that is when he reminds her, however accidentally, how not human he really is.

He flipped open the little pad of paper and was immediately glad that he was starting to get used to his wife's surprises. His younger self would've blushed and spluttered horrendously after reading the little note. As it was, he was still quite affected by her, he felt her even when she wasn't around. So of course, he let out a fond chuckle on instinct and didn't even notice the huge grin on his face as he read the words.

Hello Sweetie, haven't seen you in a while. Feeling a little…underappreciated. I would certainly love it if you could get yourself over here. Pronto. Besides, I just got an idea that for once, you'd really love.

I'm waiting, Doctor.

Xx

P.s-If you bring anyone with you, Theta, I'll find a creative new use for my gun.

He quickly realized that despite all the heated and tingly feelings that run through him at the written words, and the mental images they conjured, that he could not go ahead with what she wanted him to do…with the Ponds still staring at him.

He cleared his throat and spun around, putting on a sense of grandeur to distract them "Well," he clapped his hands together, "Those planets are probably best left to visit another day. Supernova's and low-gravity can become quite tiresome after a while. Speaking of tired," he faked a yawn," I think I'm feeling a bit knackered myself," he looked at Amy and Rory to discern whether or not they were falling for it; both of them only stood there, looking at him like he'd lost his head, "Um, yeah. So I think I'll just be…going off to bed. You two should as well," he pointed a finger at them, meant to imply a serious warning-type of advice.

"Doctor," Amy started and he really did not like her tone at all, "I've known you for years and I've only seen you sleep once. Fess up. Come on, out with it. What was the message?"

The Doctor's mouth opened helplessly, acting as if it was searching for words, but he quickly turned his pleading gaze at Rory, who only held his hands up in the international sign for 'I'm not in this' and smirked.

The Doctor frowned angrily. Why is the Roman NEVER on my side in these things? He was forgetting the important fact that The Roman was a smart husband and chose Amy's side on account that if he didn't, he would not be sleeping in the same bed as her that night.

"I-what?" he was not off to a good start on his defense, "It's nothing to do with the message. I'm just tired, alright? I run around all day, saving planets and whatnot. What, Timelords aren't allowed to be exhausted?"

His friends seemed to sense his distress in his voice.

Amy only shook her head slowly, staring at him like she'd caught a thief trying to lie his way out of prison. Hmm prison, like Stormcage…Right, I could be with River right now… His stray thoughts caused his face to take on a dreamy appearance. It became obvious that his mind was somewhere else. Not to mention, his body was wishing he was there as well. Not helping, ridiculously, he chastised himself.

"No, you're allowed to be tired, Doctor, but you never actually are. Besides, you don't look the least bit beat to me. Does he, Rory?"

The Doctor quickly cut his eyes over to Rory, a strange mix of anger and begging in his gaze, almost as if he was trying to say, So help me God or whatever's up there, if you back her up on this…

Rory, foolishly or not, seemed to not receive his attempted telepathic message, "You're right, Amy, he does look sort of…flushed. Actually, now that I look at you, Doctor…your eyes are dilated and you're sweating a bit…"

Damn his medical training. Damn the whole profession.

He did not realize the irony of his own thoughts.

He gritted his teeth and laughed once, a shaky nervous sound, "You're being ridiculous, Ponds, I'm fine. Just tired…as I said. Unusually hectic adventure wasn't it…today?"

Amy smirked, "Doctor, we went a garden planet today and for once, nothing in the least bit dangerous happened. We had tea." She finished with a rather indicative eyebrow raise that made him uncomfortable for the sole reason that he wasn't sure of what is was she was trying to indicate.

"Right," he shot back automatically, "Um…Of course, I remember. But…did I not mention? I have this strange flower allergy that…makes me sleepy."

"You know, when you lie, you have this funny habit of making your sentences all sound like questions. Did you know that?" She replied back breezily, faking casualness to amuse herself at his expense.

She could barely contain her laughter at the desperate look on his face.

"I…" he spotted Rory smirking beside Amy, looked uncharacteristically devious, "Roman, you plan on helping me out a bit here at all?"

He shook his head.

The Doctor finally let out the breath he'd been holding in a loud sigh, "Fine. Since you two have made it so obvious that you don't trust me, I guess there's no use in trying to convince you. You two can go," he started making airy, unintelligible hand gestures, "Well, just do whatever you like. I'm too 'tired' too care at this moment."

He finished his uncharacteristically flippant reply and immediately began typing coordinates into the TARDIS, pulling levers here and there.

Amy and Rory stood around the console, staring at him.

After two minutes of flight, Rory broke the silence, "So, which planet did you end up picking for us to visist?"

"Yeah, where are we going, Doctor?" Amy's voice was still a tad confused.

He looked at the both in turn, then sighed as he turned back around to face the controls, raising an eyebrow to himself at their assumption that he had given in, "Oh, you're not going to another planet today. I thought I made it clear that you two have free range of whatever is inside the TARDIS."

As the wheezing sound that signified their landing emanated through the room, he jumped down from the steps enthusiastically and started walking towards the doors.

"Doctor!" Amy was indignant, "Where are you going then? And why are we staying here?"

He froze at the door, "Um…Not telling."

"Doctor!" she ran from the steps to come face to face with him, "…Wait, this is about that note isn't it. Give it here, Mister!"

She started to frantically attempt to fish the psychic paper out of his coat pocket he'd stuffed it in.

"Hey, hey!" He jumped back, "My personal…trinkets and such are…delicate! No grabbing, Amelia!"

She rolled her eyes and continued to fish for the paper, "You only call me Amelia when you're nervous, Doctor. Which means whatever you're hiding must be good," she grinned hugely, finally succeeding in her quest for the pad of paper.

When she read the paper, her jaw dropped.

The Doctor realized something a second after said jaw-dropping: River's message would've faded by now, so what was she reading? He was the last person to have touched it before Amy, so that would mean…his last thought was projected on the paper…He was not a man for cursing but…Shit.

Pond! Would she just quit it? Bullocks, I need to go; River's gonna kill me if I keep her waiting any longer. And she DID say she had a new idea for me…I wonder…

"Oh my God," she breathed in shock, "Doctor…did my daughter just…booty call you?"

He was prepared for anger, but instead he was met with confusion, "…Is that an Earth phrase? Pond, I don't know what that means but I have to…" he tried slowly inching towards the door, but before he got two feet away, Amelia Pond grabbed him by his collar.

Oh, look, the Roman has joined us…oooh, he looks mad…what DOES 'booty call' mean?

"What did you just say, Amy?"

She spared a glance towards her husband, "Yeah," she laughed, the absurdity of the situation settling in, "I think River sent him a booty call."

"Will someone please tell me what that means?"

Rory's eyes snapped over to meet the Doctor's. The Doctor took a step back in protective instinct; the look in the man's eyes frightened him more than Daleks ever did.

"It means, Doctor," he started carefully, "That my daughter just called you for sex."

The Doctor couldn't speak. He didn't want to speak. His eyes widened to saucers and his jaw clenched with tension. He dare not move. He of course knew what River was asking, but he didn't realize that Amy had figured that out from just the gist of his last thought. He was dead. It was official. Although, Amy was starting to look more and more amused with the whole thing.

"Um…I…Yes, well, she…and I didn't mean…Well, I kind of…Bye Ponds," and with that, he quickly snatched the paper out of Amy's hands and turned around to quickly run through the door, locking it behind him.

River was sitting on the small, gray bed in her cell when she looked up to see the Doctor frantically sonic the door open, looking like he was running from an army.

"What's wrong with you? Did you piss off the Queen again or are you just excited to see me?"

With wide eyes, like a deer in the headlights, he uttered a few simple words, "Amy stole my psychic paper."

River's face was horrified.

A/n: I'm a bad person for enjoying that so much. So I've decided that I will separate the three scenes into a three-shot. Just because I have all my basic ideas, though, doesn't mean I won't take suggestions for anything inspired by the song 'Booty Call.'