Now that both Edward and Alice were gone I spent my time with Shane. He was the only real person left I had any sort of a connection left with. I had friends at school and on the soccer team but no one that I had a past with, childhood memories with, someone who left such an impact on my life.
The only time I hung out with my schoolmates was when there was a group outing or school. It's not as easy to get close to someone when they are with a pack of others.
I missed the one on one time I had with Alice, my best friend and definitely Edward, above all. What I wouldn't give to spend some time with him again.
"What do I do? I feel like about to go insane. I never felt so alone and screwed." I mumbled into my pillow, as Shane gave me a pitied look.
I waited for his response, needing some advice. Shane scratched his shaven head and shrugged his shoulders in cluelessness.
I let out a defeated sigh seeing he was clearly out of his element. He obviously never had to comfort his news friends much. It's not often a guy cries and says woe is me in front of another. That's what girls did, not true manly guys.
They got drunk, partied together, talk shit about the bitchy girls; they hid their hurt so they didn't sound like a pussy in front of their crew.
"I'm sorry man, I never been in this type of situation before. So I don't know what to say." Shane stressed.
"You mean you never felt this way before about a guy." I replied annoyed, gripping my pillow and bringing it in closer to bury my face.
"No, it's not that. I mean I never felt that way about anyone. I never have been in love. So I can't really help you or relate much. Umm, the only thing I could say that is as close as I can get to relating to your situation is us. I mean, when you said you didn't want to be my friend anymore and I moved away." Shane confessed.
I looked up from my pillow in surprised.
Shane looked away from me too embarrassed to face me as he went on explaining.
"It hurt Jasper, to hear you say that to me, to see you push me away and never know why, constantly questioning everything I did and said, thinking I did something wrong. The anxiety I had trying to make new friends thinking, are they going to do the same thing to me later on? Am I not good enough to be someone's friend?" He claimed, looking out my bedroom window, taking a gulp as if he was nervous saying all of this.
"You're more than good enough Shane. That's why I cared so much for you back then and I still care for you now, just in a different way." I answered, easing his fears.
He gave me a weak smile, seeing my sad form.
"Sorry I'm not much help. I never had been great at advice."
"It's alright Shane. Advice or no advice, I'm still going to be in the same situation I am in. I just need someone to hang with and keep my calm. You're doing find Shane. I'm sorry if I might be making you feel unwanted or ever did. Honestly, I'm glad your back and we are friends again. You don't know how long that day has haunted me."
Shane gave a small smile.
"How about we watch our favorite childhood movie, Jaws?" He said, his eyes lighting up as he spoke.
I gave a weak smile in response, "sure."
I had a hard time paying attention to the film. Shane loved every minute of it, laughing away at the comedy and on the edge of his seat when the shark attacked someone. My mind however was elsewhere.
It killed me not to be able to look into Edwards soulful eyes, not to be able to see his smile or see his cheeks blush.
It killed me not to hear his voice, hear my name come off Edwards's lips.
It killed me not to be able to touch him, kiss him, and love him like I wanted.
It killed me not to know where Edwards's heads was at or if he was okay.
My parent s worried about me. I heard them argue about taking me to a shrink possibly.
Having Shane around was nice and distracted me enough to keep me from get too upset.
However when Shane had to leave, it was awful.
I feel so tempted to cry or scream into my pillow in shear frustration and pain.
When I was alone I felt like breaking something or hurting myself. I felt like doing anything to keep the pain away.
It was so quiet at night.
I never did anything but I thought about it. A lot.
I could never cut myself, I didn't have the guts and it seemed like it would hurt more than help. Pills seemed like the way to go.
An easy, gentle way to ease the pain.
Maybe sleeping pills would help?
Or a lot of aspirin, it's supposed to work for pain right?
I'm waiting for the day a drug comes out that mends broken hearts. To make us forget the pain and feel only joy.
Edwards scent was fading from my sheets.
All I had left of him was the SpongeBob pants which make me want to crack a smile yet burst into tears at the same time.
I popped a couple of sleeping pills in my mouth and took a gulp of water before curling up in bed next to Edward's SpongeBob pjs, waiting for sleep to hit me.
It's like being separated from your heart, how do you keep living when such a viral piece of you is missing?