Disclaimer: If I owned it, I wouldn't be writing fanfiction.
Author's note: Originally posted at Archive of Our Own.
Leonard Hofstadter was curious as he drove home from the airport. What did everyone mean when they said that it was best he not know the allegedly inappropriate thing his mother did?
He parked the car and climbed the stairs. He barely noticed that Sheldon and Penny were following him. Penny went inside her apartment, and Leonard and Sheldon walked inside theirs. Suddenly an idea hit. Sheldon was incapable of keeping a secret, so Leonard knew he would be able to get the full story.
"Sheldon, what did my mother mean when she said she behaved inappropriately?"
Sheldon's face twitched. He responded, "She was intoxicated."
"I know. I saw. That doesn't answer my question," Leonard said.
Sheldon's face twitched some more, but he said nothing.
"She insulted your work, didn't she? I knew it. Goodness knows she's spent enough time insulting mine," Leonard said.
"Beverly has the highest regard for my work," Sheldon responded.
"If she didn't insult your work, what could she have possibly done that offended you?"
"I'm not offended; in a way, I'm flattered," Sheldon said.
Leonard became even more confused. "Want to catch me up?"
Sheldon twitched some more before bursting out, "She kissed me."
"When I was a kid, my mom used to kiss my forehead when I was sick. It was the only time she showed any warmth," Leonard said wistfully.
"She didn't kiss my forehead," Sheldon said.
"She kissed me on the lips. Rather passionately."
"Wait, Sheldon. You kissed my mother?"
"No. Your mother kissed me. I just stood there in surprise," Sheldon said.
"I don't believe it!" Leonard said.
"I don't see why you find this unbelievable. Beverly is menopausal, and women going through menopause are often afflicted with an increased libido. I am young, tall, intelligent, and I have a stable job. I would make an ideal mate," Sheldon said matter-of-factly.
"You did not just say you want to have sex with my mother," Leonard pleaded.
Sheldon looked confused. "No. I did not. I am not burdened with carnal desires. However, if I were to decide to engage in coitus, your mother would make an excellent candidate. We have a great deal in common, and she would not expect any emotional entanglement."
Leonard paused, stunned. "Sheldon, please say 'bazinga!'"
"I only say bazinga when I'm joking. I'm not joking," Sheldon replied.
Leonard grabbed the keys and said, "I'm going to the comic book store to see if I can find something that will get rid of the mental image that this conversation seared in my brain."
Leonard shut the door behind him and wished he had listened when everyone said it was best if he didn't know. Ignorance was definitely bliss.