It's these nights… I hear the incessant whispers of 'wake up'. I try to ignore it knowing no one is there. But it's the face that haunts me. It is ever present behind my bruised eyelids. I roll over, knowing I need to sleep. Behind me the clock whispers a soft 'tick tock'
I can't stop thinking.
I sit up
46 hours without sleep
I shift my pillow and ignore the sound of my sister's window sliding open. He's leaving. She hates how she always wakes up alone.
I flop down on bed and sigh. I need to sleep. I hear the hum of the refrigerator and the clang of the air conditioning powering down. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I try to count the ticks of the clock.
I'm up to 1353.
I try to put my mind on something trivial that will distract me into sleep. I try to describe the color blue, I focus on deep breaths, and I count down in Chinese. I begin to think of all the names of Nirvana songs, and I even pull out white trash girl names. Nothing.
Open your eyes.
I'm compelled to look up at my popcorn ceiling. It's 4:53. I'm never falling asleep apparently. I began to drift into the stage of insomnia of hallucination. I watched as the walls warped and sea creatures began to slide into my closet and electrical outlets. I could see a little flame licking at the edges of my walls. In the corner stood Him.
"Leave me alone." I whisper and the image fades. I sit up and rub at my exhausted eyes. On my night stand I see His picture. My mom hates him for what he did to our family, but how could I? He is my father.
Was my Father?
So what if he completely left me and my younger sister to be with his lover. So what his lover is a man.
So my father's gay.
So what he cared about that guy more than he did us. So what he never loved me and Ginger.
So what Ginger found love to replace our father in my best friend and I couldn't find a guy—a girl for myself.
Nope not tonight. I won't be seeping into my pity pit. I get out of bed and walk around my room. The house has fully descended into a serene silence. My feet rub against the soft carpet as I walk a worn path. I wish I could sleep.
Maybe I should leave California. Maybe I should get a change of scenery. I should move to Puerto Rico, I hear the beaches are beautiful. I have at least enough money to hop an early morning flight. Or I could just drive straight to Honduras. The waterfalls are beautiful there.
I start to pack my bags.
It's 6:57 and there's a soft knock on my door.
"It's morning, the sun's coming up" Ginger whispers and I sigh throwing the half packed bags back into my closet.
Packing to go nowhere every night seems exhausting. If I could sleep I would.
49 hours without sleep.