It's only been a week since the memorial. Abigail has been in the studio every day since 5 until 9 at night. Kat's withdrawn from everyone, she just sits in his room wrapped in his cardigan, sobbing. Ollie sits next to her blaming himself for everything. That fight they had the day before the accident. Ben hasn't realized what's happened yet. He just holds me. Christian has been MIA since the service. I think he went surfing in Kingston. Me, I've been drained. I'm always cold, shakey, and emotionless. I've been wearing Ben's sweatpants and his sweatshirt for probably 3 days. . I haven't put makeup on since the service. My hair is messy opposed to the usual tight bun. I have nightmares every night. I wake up screaming, sobbing. I never had realized that losing someone could mean this much to me. To everyone.
"T. You can do this. Save yourself." It's Sammy again. I jolt up from my sleep screaming , scaring Ben who was next to me.
"Tara! It's OK. I'm here for you. I always will be here." Ben holds me. I'm sitting in his lap, sobbing.
"Wh-y di-d it happ-en to hi-m? It wa-s an acci-den-t. Wh-y wa-s no-one wit-h hi-m?" I sob just long enough between gasps to speak. I- We- needed Sammy. We loved him. Ollie the most.
"Tara he loved you. It could have been you if you went running, or Christian, even Ollie. You can't control other people's actions. He was in the wrong place at the wrong time." Ben murmars, kissing my forehead.
I don't have the energy to cry. Because once I start crying I won't be able to stop. So I dance. I wake up at 4:00AM start with some aerobics, followed by a jog. Then I dance. I warm up on the barre, plies, eleves. I put on my pointe shoes, I've been taking the time to actually sew in my ribbons. This is my rutine. Everyday 4-9. I'm not eating. Just dance. Work through the hunger. Ethan checks in on me while I'm trying to master a fifth-position pirouette arabesque. . He's been with Kat I can tell, there's mascara and lip gloss smeared along his shirt.
"Fourth shirt this week. She needs to wear some waterproof makeup. Do you need anything to eat? I'm running to the café, I could get you a-" Ethan says. I know he wants to hold me while I sob ruining my makeup, but I'm stronger than that.
"No I'm fine. There's a drugstore about 5 meters off the campus if you're going to buy Kat some makeup." I interrupt. I continue with my arabesques.
"Fine, I'm leaving. I'll be back in twenty." He smirks and walks away.