CONTENT WARNINGS: It's confusing if you've never seen Chums on SMTV live. Or live out of Britain.

DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN THESE PEOPLE. I just really, really love them and am borrowing them. I don't own Stargate, this lot do- Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. And I'm making no money. At all…

AUTHOR'S NOTES: I apologize now because if you know what this is from its not funny and if you have no idea then its confusing and not funny, it was just on a whim one day, I was having SG and Ant and Dec withdrawal symptoms. Oh and when Daniel says football he means English football not that pansy rugby style stuff in America (sorry but come on….)



Voiceover man-"Last week on C.H.U.M.S…………………..

Dec became good looking, Ant grew glasses and Cat went blond. Have the Chums changed forever? Now that Ant's gone will the airing cupboard finally be empty of the women's shoes? Find out this week…………."

ROLL THEME-Daniel, Jack and Sam run around poking each other with umbrellas and trying to push each other into the fountain to the song:-

"Nobody told you comedy could ever be this lame, every week a different show but somehow all the same, we'll be chums forever, no ones lonely with chums………….."

Jack sat on the sofa, glued to the t.v in front of him, his head resting in the palms of his hands. Behind him is the window, a fake scene of the Tyne bridge, next to Cheyenne Mountain complex painted onto it. Daniel comes in through the front door on the left.

"Alright Jack" he said.

"Aye" Daniel frowned.

"What you watching?"

"Newcastle vs. Colorado Springs"

"Oh great football" Daniel rushed to sit beside him, his face dropping when he saw the t.v. "This is football"

"I know"

"This is world championship stereo throwing"

"I know"

"Why are you watching it?"

"Because it's the final!!!!!!" Jack cried.

"Alright! Alright!" Daniel said. Sam came into the room from the door on the right.

"Daniel!!!" she yelled. "You're shoes have taken over the landing now. You've taken over his life, you sort um out!"

"But Sam"

"Now!" Daniel jumped off the sofa and ran out of the room to the right. Sam sat down beside Jack.

"Jaaaack" she purred.


"What are you watching?"

"The final of the World Championship Stereo Throwing League"

"Can't you turn it off?"

"It's the final"

"But Jack, we're all alone" he looked up and around.

"Oh yeah" he smiled and they turned to face each other on the sofa. They each rested an arm on the sofa.

"Me and Sam, all alone in the flat. I think I'm, yes! I think I'm gonna kiss her" Sam smiled. They leaned towards each other slowly and were millimetres apart when.


"Argh!!!!!!!" Jack cried,

"I'll get it" Sam said. She got up grumbling and went over to the door, opening it fully. In the doorway stood Teal'c wearing a brown tweed jacket and a trilby hat.

"Hello" he said. "My name is Teal'c, I'm from the Shoe Emporium"

"The Shoe Emporium? What's a" she started when Daniel came bursting into the room.

"It's okay, it's for me" he said.

"Why is he here?" Jack asked.

"I called him to value those shoes you told me to get rid of" Jack jumped up.

"I'll go make us some tea" he said, he ran in front of the sofa and straight into the kitchen painted on the wall beside the window. He rubbed his nose and ran out of the door to the bedrooms.

"Come and sit down Mr Teal'c" Daniel said "Sam, go get the ladies shoes"

"Okay" she ran out of the room to return with an armful of ladies shoes.

"This is just a sample of my, er, collection" Daniel said, Sam dumped the shoes in Teal'cs lap and he looked over them, taking out a monocle.

"Why don't you wish to keep these shoes Miss?" Teal'c asked Sam. She and Daniel began to laugh loudly.

"Yeah, yeah right. I'll keep the shoes" she said still laughing hard. Teal'c watched on as they both took a little time to calm down.

"May I continue?" he asked.

"Er, sure" Daniel said.

"Hmmm, ha, hm, interesting" he said, Daniel and Sam became serious and stared at him.

"Well, what do you think?"

"Are they worth any money?" Sam asked.

"They are indeed"

"How much?" Daniel asked.

"A lot"

"£10?" Sam asked excitedly.



"Even more"

"Surely not £12!!!" Daniel exclaimed.


"Well how much???????"

"Tea's up everyone" Jack said coming back in with a tray of cups and saucers and a teapot.

"About £100" Teal'c said.

"What?!!!!!!" Jack cried dropping the tray. He almost tripped over it rushing to Teal'cs side.

"And that's just what you have here"

"WOO-HOO!!!!!!" Daniel yelled, jumping up. "We're rich" the chums jumped up and down hugging each other, singing 'We're rich' over and over.

"All you have to do is sign here Mr McPartlin and I will give you a large amount of money for your collection" Teal'c said.

"Mr McPartlin?" Daniel asked.

"That's you isn't it. Ant McPartlin, the owner of these shoes" he held out a pink stiletto. Inside the shoe 'property of Ant McPartlin' was written.

"Er, yea, yes"

"Then sign here please" Teal'c handed him a clipboard and a pen.

"WAIT!!!!!" a voice cried. The front door flew open and in ran three people, Ant, Dec and Cat.

"Stop!" Ant cried. "He is not Ant McPartlin. I am"

"Freeze-frame!!!!!" Daniel cried.

Everyone posed and stood still.

Voiceover man-"Will the SG-1 chums become mega rich? Will the real chums claim their rightful money? Will Teal'c gain hundreds of pairs of shoes for his shoe emporium? Find out next week on C.H.U.M.S…………."