Title: Let Go
Pen name: Lia Jane
Summary: Dean Winchester spent a majority of his life as a loner. He had convinced his self that he didn't need anyone and that everyone was better off without him. What happens when he finally lets someone in…and then loses her?
Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing Supernatural-related (though I wish I owned Jensen Ackles…). I just like to get these boys out and play with them from time to time (who wouldn't?). No copyright infringement is ever intended.
A/N: Ok, so I took the original way Jo died in the show and just completely changed it to suit the idea that just would not seem to get out of my brain. Just to clear up any confusion: Yes, Dean and Jo are in a relationship in this story. The italicized portions are flashbacks to the events leading up to and including Jo's death. Though the way Jo dies in this story and their relationship is not part of the original show's plot, I tried to write the characters as true to their original form as I could. This is my first attempt at a Supernatural story. I wrote one a few years ago and had intended to post it eventually but then…my computer's hard drive crashed and yeah… So I hope you all enjoy this and a big thank you to each and every one of you who donated!
Special thank you to my wonderful Beta, Lilaea. I love you girl!
I watched as the flames finally died down until there was nothing more than embers left. I had no idea how long I'd been standing there…then again I couldn't seem to get an idea about anything these days.
"Are you ready to hit the road?" Sam asked. I couldn't stand the pity in his voice. We'd lost a lot of hunters in the past…Jo wasn't any different.
Except that she was…
Joanna Beth Harvelle had gotten to me. When no one else had been able to…she had.
I'd fought my feelings for a long time. That's what I was best at. That and hunting. I knew better than to form any type of lasting relationship with anyone except my brother. But with Jo…I didn't have a choice. It didn't matter how hard we tried to stay away from each other, it didn't happen.
Because of that and her suicidal mission to save me, I lost her forever.
"Give it a rest, Dean," Jo spat as she continued to stuff her gear in to a bag. "I'm doing this job. End of discussion."
"You're going in half-cocked, Jo," I argued. "You're going to get yourself killed and for what? Revenge? Kicks? Come on, Jo explain it to me because I gotta be honest, I'm not getting it."
She was determined to go on some wild goose chase after a demon that as far as I had been told, wasn't the least bit relevant to anything that was going on. I had enough to worry about without adding this nonsense on top of it. She was pissing me off and it wasn't going to happen. Period.
I placed my hand on hers, stilling her movements and ducked my head to look her straight in the eyes.
"What aren't you telling me?" I asked her. Her face softened and she sighed, hanging her head and then turning away from me.
"If I tell you, you'll just try to stop me, Dean." She turned back around to face me. Her eyes were strong as she stared in to mine. "Can't you just trust me?"
"No," I answered without hesitation. "No, I can't. I wouldn't trust any plan that didn't include Sam and me."
"Why? Because no one is capable of doing anything without the help of the great Dean Winchester?"
"That's not what I'm saying – "
"Enough you two," Ellen interrupted and stepped in between us. "Dean, you are not the answer to everyone's problems or prayers, for that matter." She gave me a stern look before turning to talk to Jo. "But it wouldn't kill you to accept a little help every now and again, Joanna Beth. Do you hear me?"
"Mom, I can't," she insisted, lowering her voice. "Not this time."
"And why is that?" I asked harshly. A "Go to hell" look from both of the Harvelle women shut me up pretty quickly.
"I'm warning you, Dean," Ellen said, pointing her finger in my face. I nodded and held my hands up in surrender, backing away slowly. "Now explain yourself, young lady." She stood with her hands on her hips. I wanted to laugh but I knew better. I'd never say it out loud, but the two of them scared the shit out of me.
"But mom – "
"No, I – "
"Ok! Ok…" Jo looked between her mother and me. She looked nervous and I got a really bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. "I'm not going after just any demon," she admitted and then settled her eyes on me. "It's the demon, Dean. The one that holds your contract."
"Lilith?" Ellen gasped.
Lilith was one scary bitch. She also happened to be the demon that authorized the deal I'd made with a Crossroad's demon less than a year ago. Sam alive and kicking again for my soul. The slut that brokered the deal with me was kind enough to give me a year to live. Most people got ten years but apparently my soul was a hot commodity and they knew I'd do anything to get Sam back.
Jo hadn't been able to accept my decision and, ever since we had found out Lilith was the one who held my contract, she'd spent countless hours doing research on her and trying to track her down.
Jo nodded and the feeling I got earlier threatened to turn in to a full-blown panic attack. I couldn't let her do this.
"Dean?" Sam interrupted my thoughts.
"What Sam?" I hadn't meant to sound like an asshole but I couldn't take it…I just couldn't.
"Dean," Sam repeated my name quietly, putting a hand on my shoulder. "I'm so sorry."
"Can we not do the whole touchy-feely thing? Please?" I turned and walked towards the car. Once I got in the car and started to drive I'd be ok. I just needed to get to the car…
"You know what? No. You need to deal with this." He came to stand in front of me. I had to keep reminding myself not to hit him. "All you ever do is run away. Aren't you tired of running?"
"No, I'm not, Sam. It's what keeps me alive," I snapped. "It would've kept her alive. She died because of me. That's the plain and simple facts."
"So you're gonna blame yourself now, is that it?" Sam seethed. "It's not your fault!"
"It's my fault that I loved her dammit!" I shoved Sam hard. "None of this would've ever happened if I hadn't allowed myself to love her. Everything I touch turns to shit! Do you get that, Sam?"
I realized the truth in my words and I hated myself all over again. Ultimately, it was her love for me that killed her.
After a huge argument followed by begging and finally acceptance, Sam, Jo, and I were headed to the location Jo had been given for where Lilith was supposed to be. I just hoped the Intel had been wrong and that we'd find it was a dead end.
We parked the car a few miles away and took off on foot for the rest of the way. I held tight to Jo's hand, determined not to let her out of my sight. I had promised Ellen I'd bring her home in one piece and I had every intention of keeping that promise.
"It should be just up the hill there," Jo said, slowing down and taking her bag off of her shoulder. She rummaged around until she found the items she was looking for: a shotgun, holy water, and a book. I had the demon-killing knife while Sam brought chalk, convinced we could trap her in a devil's trap. I knew that if Lilith was at this location, we were all going to die…unless I could bargain my life for theirs.
I wasn't about to let them in on that part of the plan so instead, I just pretended to go along with their strategy.
We hadn't made it but just a few feet further when we were suddenly surrounded by a bunch of black-eyed demonic sons of bitches.
"Lookie what we have here," one of them laughed.
"Can't believe they fell for it," another chimed in.
"Not the brightest bulb in the box, are you sweetheart?" the first mocked, walking up to Jo and brushing her hair behind her ear.
"Don't you fucking touch her," I growled, reaching for my knife but before I knew what was happening, the demon had Jo by the hair, a knife held at her throat. I froze, my heart hammering against my chest.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you, Dean," it hissed. "I would hate to have to spill even the tiniest drop of blood from her body." The thing, that was possessing some poor guy's body, leaned in and smelled her hair, keeping eye contact with me the whole time. "Put it down. Now."
I looked over at Sam. He was being detained by one of the others so I would be getting no help from him. I had no choice but to put down the only effective weapon we had.
I crouched down slowly and placed the knife on the ground, my other hand held out to where it could be seen.
Before I could make it fully to a standing position, I heard Jo scream, "Dean, watch out!"
I felt a sharp pain to the back of my head and then I felt nothing.
"Dean, wake up." I recognized Sam's voice.
My eyes snapped open and sure enough, Sam was crouched over me.
"Sammy?" I blinked several times and tried to sit up but Sam urged me to stay still. "Get off me, man. What happened? Did you get them?"
"Right after they knocked you out, Ellen and Bobby showed up," he explained. I noticed he kept looking behind me and there was an indescribable expression on his face. "They got a few but then the rest ran off."
"Good. Where's Jo?" I looked at my brother but he wouldn't look me in the eye. I slowly sat up and repeated myself. "Where's Jo?"
Sam hung his head and ran his fingers through his hair. "Dean…" He finally brought his eyes back to mine and what I saw there, made my heart drop.
"Sam, where is she?" I whispered. I heard a muffled sound coming from behind me and turned to see Ellen. Her back was to me and she was sprawled out on the ground, hovering over something…or someone.
I ignored Sam's outstretched hand and scrambled to my feet. I moved towards her as quickly as I could but I stopped abruptly when I caught sight of Jo's blonde hair fanned out behind her head. I gradually inched closer, my heart wrenching with each new sight.
Her closed eyes.
The paleness of her cheeks.
The blue tint to her lips.
And finally…the stillness of her chest.
Ellen was holding Jo's hand and brushing the hair from her forehead. She was whispering things to her as tears fell from her eyes.
I sunk to my knees on the other side of her, suddenly unable to stand anymore. I kept staring at her, hoping beyond hope that she would miraculously begin breathing again…that she would open her eyes and look at me…that her heart would start beating again.
I reached out and rested my hand on her cheek. Ellen scooted back to give me room, though she never let go of Jo's hand.
"Jo?" I said shakily. "Jo, come on baby." I rubbed her cheek and kissed her forehead. "You can't do this to me. Open your eyes."
The panic and overwhelming pain took over my body. I couldn't lose her. I wouldn't lose her.
I rose up on all fours and placed a hand on either side of her face.
"Jo! Open your eyes!" I screamed and shook her. My mind was racing. Idea after idea raced through my brain but nothing was sticking. I'd already sold my soul to save Sam. I had nothing to offer…nothing to give but I had to do something! "No! No, no, no! Please baby…please."
"Dean." I felt Bobby's hand on my shoulder but I shook it off. "She's gone."
"No," I whispered. Tears spilled on to my cheeks as I realized that no matter how many times I shook her, yelled at her, and begged whoever would listen to bring her back to me, Bobby was right. She was gone.
Ellen let out a strangled cry as I lifted Jo's lifeless body from the ground and pulled her in to my lap. I smoothed the hair out of her face and gently kissed her lips, pressing my forehead against hers.
"I love you," I told her. I then held her tightly against my body until they made me let her go…
I found out a little later that she had been trying to save Sam when she'd been stabbed by one of those filthy bastards. I would've given anything to change what happened…even just been able to say goodbye.
We'd cleaned her up and wrapped her body in cloths, getting her ready for her funeral pyre. Every hunter got the same funeral…Jo had been no exception. Her body burned until there was nothing left.
"That's not true, Dean," Sam said, once again invading my brain and trying to convince me that I wasn't some horrible person. "Do you even realize how many people you've helped?"
"Don't, ok? Just don't." I turned to walk to the car when I was suddenly jerked backwards and found Sam just inches from my face.
"You have got to stop doing this to yourself," he ground out between clenched teeth. "You didn't kill her. This is not your fault and even if you'd stayed away from her, she was still a hunter, Dean. She ran the risk of being killed every single time she worked a job." His eyes filled up with tears as he released me. "Jo loved you. Be happy with the time the two of you had together."
I stared in to my brother's eyes, fresh tears making their way down my cheeks.
"How am I supposed to do this without her, Sammy?" I leaned against the car for support as I finally gave in to the overwhelming grief that had been looming over me.
Sam came to stand beside me and put his hand on my shoulder.
"You have to let go of this guilt," he answered. "You have to let her go and do everything you can to save yourself from the pit. Don't let Lilith win, Dean."
I felt anger stirring inside of me. I wouldn't let the bitch win…but that didn't mean I would win. I had every intention of giving Lilith the fight of her life but I was also realistic.
Chances were, I wasn't going to make it out of this alive but that was ok with me. I knew I wouldn't be able to let go of Jo or the guilt I felt for her death but there was one thing I could let go of; the one thing I'd been paralyzed with for so long:
So there you have it! Broken hearted but bad ass Dean. That's the best kind of Dean!
I hope you all liked it. Leave me some love…pretty please. *Smiles pretty*