Author's Note: Hello :) This idea came to me over the past week and has not left me alone for a single second, so I'm gonna go for it. This story will more than likely be fairly short, four or five chapters at the most. It's inspired by the song Lies by Marina and the Diamonds and it's quite possibly one of the most gut-wrenching songs I've ever heard, so with that being said, this story is going to be heavy angst. It's somewhat of a departure from anything I've done in the past, so I really appreciate any feedback you'd like to give me.
This is rated M for sexual content in chapter 4. Just a heads up. Also, if you're interested, I'm going to post the song on my tumblr (countingcrow16) if you'd like to hear it, but the beginning of each chapter will have a handful of lyrics too. Thanks for reading :)
I don't own Glee or Marina and the Diamonds amazing song, Lies.
You're never gonna love me, so what's the use?
What's the point in playing a game you're gonna lose?
If he had to pinpoint an exact moment in time when he figured it out, Blaine would say it was the Chandler incident. More specifically, the moment when Blaine found the flirting texts between the two that had been going on for days.
"Why are you going through my phone?" Kurt had asked him. Blaine said it was because it wouldn't stop buzzing, which was true to a point, but it wasn't the first time he'd done it. He wasn't proud of it, but there were three or four times previous during their relationship where he'd impulsively grabbed the phone while Kurt left the room. He'd always felt guilty of abusing Kurt's trust in this way, even if he was more relieved to not find anything suspicious.
Until this time. And the texts between his boyfriend and Chandler were more than a little suspicious.
Sure, the week or so leading up to the whole mess had been a difficult one for Blaine. He was dealing with the reality that once Kurt left for New York, he would be all alone in Lima. Of course the New Directions kids were nice to him; some of them maybe even liked him. But he knew that next year, Mr. Schue would thrust him into the spotlight, essentially making him the new Rachel Berry, while Tina and Artie, who'd been there from the start would be kicked to the sidelines again. Blaine didn't want that. He'd had his time to shine at Dalton and frankly, the shunning he was sure to receive from the rest of the glee club at McKinley wasn't worth the trouble. All he wanted was to fit in and make friends and be accepted for who he was. That's all he ever wanted.
As they argued, Blaine paid careful attention to Kurt's body language and word choice. Blaine had been a quiet, observant child, and so far that trait had continued to serve him well throughout his teenage years. After all, he never would have shown Kurt the shortcut to the choir room at Dalton the first time they met if he hadn't seen that Kurt really needed something in his favor, someone on his side, at that moment in his life.
But now that careful observation was betraying him. It was telling him things he didn't want to know. Blaine latched on to Kurt's overt emphasis, his righteous indignation, on getting caught rather than what he should have been focusing on. There was a major problem, a rift that had surfaced seemingly out of nowhere that was driving a wedge between the two of them. Finally Kurt admitted,
"You don't know what it's like being your boyfriend. You're like, the alpha gay."
Blaine knew Kurt struggled with a low self-esteem. But surely Kurt knew that Blaine's was lower. God, how many late-night discussions had the two of them had about that very issue? How many times had Blaine confessed that, without the love and support of his parents, he never thought he could ever feel like a good person? At least Kurt had a loving family. At least he had friends that didn't turn their backs on him the minute he transferred schools. Kurt was all Blaine had now, couldn't he see that?
After their argument, Blaine left. The thought of pushing it aside to watch old reality television reruns and eat warmed over cheese and stale crackers made him want to vomit. Kurt had begged him to stay. Well, his words would suggest that, but to Blaine it sounded forced. Obligatory, even. Like Kurt was following along in a guidebook of what to do when your boyfriend is pissed off. Frankly, it didn't seem like Kurt's heart was in it anymore. And the way his left hand fiddled with his Iphone once he retrieved it from Blaine didn't help.
It was all a little too much. The next day in glee club, Blaine knew exactly what he wanted to say to Kurt and as he sang, he used all of his willpower to force the words to be true. And in the moment, they were, but the instant he stopped singing, the second the scattered, awkward applause set in, Blaine's confidence was gone and all he was left with was anger, fear and frustration. He'd focused on Kurt's face during the entire performance, and he had to admit that Kurt looked more than a little upset. But why? Was he mad that Blaine was calling him out in front of all of his friends? Did he really not see a problem in what he was doing with Chandler? Or was he genuinely experiencing pain and grief at seeing those same emotions mirrored in Blaine? Once again, his skills in perception failed him, albeit in a different way this time. He had no idea what was going on in his own boyfriend's mind.
Blaine didn't stick around the chorus room to find out. He had to get out of there before he embarrassed himself even further. He was only half-surprised that Kurt didn't follow him. Why would he? Blaine was obviously very angry, it seemed that Kurt was too and neither were the type to hash it out during the heat of the moment, with the exception of the night before. Blaine wasn't even sure he wanted Kurt to follow him anyway. He was fairly certain it was over and the fact that Kurt didn't try to contact him at all the rest of that night only solidified it.
Was this how break-ups worked, or did the words, 'I'm breaking up with you' have to be said aloud? Blaine didn't know. All of this was new; the love, the insatiable desire, the lust, the jealousy, the anger, the gut-wrenching heartbreak. All of it was new and so fresh and unceasing. He had a hard time understanding why anyone even bothered in the first place. Was your first love supposed to destroy you?
The next morning, he managed to roll out of bed, putting on the brightest, most cheerful outfit he owned, hoping the mint green hue would seep into his pores somehow and light him up. Give him a reason to keep on going that had absolutely nothing to do with Kurt Hummel. By the time glee club rolled around he'd all but given up on getting any kind of closure with Kurt. Kurt had avoided Blaine all day and the glee club practice was shaping up to be more of the same.
But when Kurt stood up and started sing to him, Blaine did something he had spent the last few days trying to convince himself he'd never do. He allowed himself to believe that Kurt really did love him. Was in love with him. Kurt sang with so much conviction that all of the warning bells and sirens in Blaine's mind were instantly silenced and by the time Kurt was done singing, Blaine was sold. They could work this out, he bargained. It was just a tiny bump in the road and all couples face obstacles, right? If this was the worst one they ever came across, they would be good as gold.
After glee club was dismissed, Blaine approached Kurt slowly.
"Hey," he greeted quietly, with the most cautious of smiles.
"Blaine," Kurt breathed back, relief flooding out. "I'm so sorry. About everything."
"I know," Blaine answered quickly, despite the fact that he wasn't entirely convinced. He really wanted to believe it though, and against his better judgment, he did.
The next day, Kurt convinced him to go with him to a counseling session with Miss Pillsbury. Blaine couldn't help but feel a little defensive as Kurt led him in the room. When Miss Pillsbury told them that brutal honesty was the cornerstone of any relationship, he took full advantage of it. He told Kurt how upset he was about Chandler and when Kurt dismissed his anger by arguing that he'd sung a song to express his regret, as if that was enough to close this painful chapter in their relationship, Blaine couldn't help but launch into a series of petty annoyances that had been building up within him over their year together.
Then he ran out of little things and he was forced to address the truth. Kurt was leaving soon and Blaine wasn't convinced that he fit into Kurt's big plans for the future. The only time Kurt smiled and laughed with him anymore was when they were discussing New York, but the minute they were on to another topic, Kurt seemed to change completely. Of course it made Blaine paranoid, as it would any normal person. But as he sat there in Miss Pillsbury's office explaining it, he couldn't help but feel embarrassed, vulnerable and exposed.
Kurt promised him nightly Skype dates. He told Blaine he could visit every weekend, but Blaine would be lucky if he could save up enough money this summer for even two trips throughout the year. The cynical side of Blaine told him that Kurt would have promised him anything in that moment just to calm him down, but the side that ached for Kurt and made him feel like death whenever he thought about being away from him convinced him otherwise.
Kurt promised that Blaine wouldn't lose him. When Blaine told Kurt he loved him, Kurt told him the same. They hugged tightly, and in the moment, it was enough for Blaine. He'd given Kurt the opportunity to walk away and Kurt refused it, both in the choir room and in Miss Pillsbury's office. For the first time in almost a week, Blaine allowed himself to believe it had all been blown out of proportion. He was mad at himself for doubting Kurt, for causing himself so much unnecessary heartache.
They could do this. They could survive this and they would. The time for turning back was gone and Blaine was ready to start over fresh. In his mind, there was nothing standing between the two of them any longer.
The feeling didn't last, however. The next day, Blaine tried the spontaneity that Kurt was so obviously craving. He went out on a limb, outside of his comfort zone and sent his boyfriend a text that would have made even that stupid Chandler guy blush. Despite the reassurances he'd received the day before, Blaine needed something concrete, something physical to tell him that Kurt was still his. At first, he thought it would work. After all, wasn't it always Kurt pursuing him these days? But when Blaine began explaining that the entire glee club was skipping out on practice and that they should too, he watched with growing dread as Kurt's eyes expressed the kind of patience a parent espouses for their hyperactive child as he explains why he really, really needs a pony for Christmas.
Thank you, but no thank you. That was the message Blaine received from Kurt's insistence that they go to glee club practice. Never mind that almost the whole group showed up anyway. Never mind that Blaine had never worked harder to hide the disappointment from his face as Kurt once again shot him down and overruled his desires in order to pursue his own. That's how it had always been though, Blaine sacrificing for Kurt and Kurt barely acknowledging it when he did. But it was worth it. If it meant that Blaine got to be with the love of his life, being trodden upon from time to time was a small price to pay.
It would be several weeks before Kurt and Blaine were intimate with each other again, and by that time they were back to their old routine, stuck back in the rut they found themselves in prior to the Chandler incident. And again Blaine found himself worrying endlessly if Kurt was really as in love with him as he was with Kurt.