Hey, sorry this has taken so long but in an ironic twist after I wrote the last chapter I was rushed to hospital. Lucky for me it was only my appendix but I didn't feel much like writing for a while. There will be one more chapter that will deal with Reid and JJ and then this mini- story will be over, and I'll finally start writing the actual sequel :)
Apologies for the serious amount of angst here, but like I said I've been ill, we'll that's my excuse at least! Please review! Idril x
Spencer Reid POV
I choked back the sob as I headed down the hideously familiar corridor to the waiting room that we'd waited in after the car crash. I just needed time to compose myself while Marley was asleep; the Doctors had given her something to help her sleep. I couldn't comprehend that she'd had a miscarriage, I hadn't even know I was going to be a Father. We'd never really spoken about children, it was just something we were going to do in the future; but we could have made this work. I'd finally moved away from the Reid effect, Jack had even told me I was his "favouritist uncle ever." We could have been a family with a baby. No, baby brought images of a small child with dark hair and Marley's eyes; it was an image that I couldn't deal with right now. I slumped down onto a chair and shuddered as the tears finally began leaking from my eyes.
I still had more terrible news for Marley but it could wait till the morning, she'd been so distraught just from losing the baby I couldn't tell her any more.
"I'm sorry kid," Morgan's familiarly heavy hand fell on my shoulder and I turned round to see sickly sympathetic eyes watching me closely. "Can I sit?"
"Free country," I whispered before finally asking the most obvious question. "How did you find us?"
"Jess called Rossi when she got there, and from what the neighbour could tell her… well, it sounded like a miscarriage." Morgan finished quietly.
"Worse," I reluctantly admitted, and Derek sent me a worried look. "It was an ectopic pregnancy; it happens in around one in every ninety pregnancies. It means that the egg attached to her fallopian tube, and because her pregnancy had no symptoms, well none that we recognised, it went unnoticed. Until… until tonight when it, when our child grew too big. Her fallopian tube ruptured, causing intense internal bleeding. If Hotch hadn't… if he hadn't…." I choked off as I thought about what could have happened if he'd waited, if he hadn't realised how serious it was, then things could have been so much worse. The tears and sobs escaped me as I lost the little composure I'd been trying to hold onto, while Derek put a soothing hand on the back of my neck but stayed quiet, allowing me to let it all out.
"I should have been there." I eventually spat out, angry that once again I'd left Marley alone when she was at her most vulnerable. I should have been the one protecting her; it was my job to protect her.
"Kid, how could you have known what was going to happen?"
"I've spent every day with her the past few months, and yet tonight I left her alone because I couldn't handle being around Hotch! This is just like Carmichael all over again, whenever she needs me I always seem to have something better to do!" I snarled, falling quickly into self-loathing despite knowing the rational explanations that I was sure Derek was about to explain to me.
"Spencer, this would have happened if you were there or not. There are something's you can't control, and you're here now Spence. And listen to what you just said, you've been with her every day during your time off; and you were there for her every step of the way when we got her back, when I know a lot of guys, a lot of good guys, who wouldn't have been able to cope with all that. Spencer, that's what matters. She loves you and you love her. You'll get through this, like you got through every other ridiculously unfair, brutal thing the two of you have been through." Derek sighed as he offered me a screwed up tissue from his pocket.
Eventually, once I'd calmed down enough to go back to her bedside the two of us headed back through the hospital only to find Rossi consoling Hotch just outside her door; despite the fact I'd seen Hotch fall apart a few times before, usually because of Marley or Jack, it always shocked me. I guessed because I still perceived him as our fearless leader, even if I had enough evidence that he was human just like me.
"She was under so much stress, because of Pakistan… because of Emily… because of me. This is my fault." He sighed and leaned against the window so he could keep an eye on Marley's sleeping form through the glass.
"No it wasn't Hotch, nothing would have stopped this, you know that." He jumped at the sound of my voice before turning to look guilty at me.
"I'm sorry Spence." I wasn't sure what he was apologising for this time; it didn't matter to me anymore, I wasn't angry with him, how could I be when he'd saved her life.
"I know, it's okay." What else could I say, he wanted forgiveness and it seemed wrong to deny it to him. The four of us stood quietly in the doorway, watching the rhythmic rise and fall of her chest as she slept peacefully, and I couldn't help but muse about the amount of time I'd spent in the hospital with my girlfriend. She seemed to have a knack for finding trouble, although the whole team believed that I also had a way of getting into troublesome and life threatening situations in the field. We were perfect for each other in that respect.
I moved back into the room and sat down on one of the rigid straight back chairs by her bedside so I could stroke her hands and hair, the way she liked when we were lying in bed together on a Sunday morning when we had nothing to do and no reason to get up. Unobstructed tears fell quietly down my face as I sat with her, waiting patiently for her to wake up, fully prepared to spend all night by her bedside. The others all seemed to feel the same way as they silently entered the room and took seats on either side of her bed.
"Hey," Marley whispered quietly shocking all of us, we'd been elapsed into silence for hours, I'd slumbered slightly for a while but the chairs were so uncomfortable it was impossible to fall asleep. She squeezed my hand tightly in her own before whispering something that sounded a lot like I'm sorry. I felt the tears coming back as I leaned down to capture her lips in a tender kiss, as the others quietly left us alone in the room. She clung to me for a long time as her shoulders' shook and my shirt grew damp but I clung onto her tightly, knowing that she needed it right now. Once Marley had calmed down I moved back so I could see her face, although seeing that pained look only made my heart ache.
"We'll get through this, Honey." I promised, as much for myself as for her.
"Do you reckon it was a boy or girl?" Marley asked quietly as we lay on her bed curled up together.
"Don't. Don't do that to yourself." I whispered softly as I stroked her hair, I couldn't see her face, just the top of her curly raven locks as she buried her head in my shoulder. Her shaky breath ghosting across my skin like early morning's winter's mist across grass. It was early, the red dawn sunlight was just beginning to gleam through Marley's thin cream curtains but both of us had been awake for a while. There was a timid knock on the door that made Marley swivel round in my embrace to look behind her as Jack's nervous face appeared.
"I had a bad dream." Marley instantly sat up and opened her arms to him. Jack didn't waste any time and quickly raced across the room into our bed. He always came into Marley when he had a bad dream, I guessed it was because he wasn't used to Hotch being back yet, it hadn't been the most settled few months for the poor kid and Marley's recent disappearance to the hospital hadn't helped matters.
"What was your dream about?" She soothed as he snuggled between the two of us and wrapped his arms around Marley.
"A monster was in my room." He whimpered before burying his head in Marley's chest. "It was big and green and it crept under my duvet and was going to eat me, but then I woke up."
"Oh baby, it's okay. Monsters aren't real, I promise." I bit back my rhetoric that monsters were real, his Mom had been killed by one, but then I realised that for once his dreams hadn't revolved around the Reaper or his Mom which was unusual, but good. A small step in the right direction.
Then it hit me, despite the fact I'd seen Marley comfort Jack a million times before and had realised that she was a great 'Mom' to Jack, for the first time it really hit home how amazing she would be as a Mother in her own right, to my baby. I had to turn away from the scene to compose myself. I wondered if Marley felt the same way when she held Jack. He soon settled down against Marley's side and began snoring quietly with Marley stroking his hair; eventually she looked up and from the desolate look on her face I can tell she was thinking the same thing as me.
"One day Marls, we'll have a baby." She nodded and quickly wiped her eyes before kissing me.
"I don't suppose you fancy getting me some coffee?" She asked hopefully, and really, how could I deny her that, so I headed into Hotch's pristine kitchen only to find Hotch already nursing a cup of steaming coffee. He nodded to acknowledge my entrance before staring back into his cup.
"Coping, I think having Jack to cuddle helps." He nodded before turning back to his coffee. The two of them had reached a kind of truce after her stint in the hospital; I guessed she needed one of her 'Fathers' right now and after the way he'd cared for her, she couldn't keep hating him. She refused to let us tell anyone about what had happened, including her Father, she'd even lied to her college friend Kate about why she had taken the week off. I understood why, I'd asked Rossi and Morgan not to tell any of the team, it was a painfully private experience that I guessed the two of us just wanted to keep between us. So we had to lean on the few people who did know if we wanted to let off some steam, and as always Marley leaned towards Hotch more than anyone else. He seemed to have realised the opportunity that she was giving him and had been nothing but attentive since she got home.
"Reid… Spencer, please come back to the team. We need you." I stared up at him in shock, causing me to splash scalding hot water over my hand. As I sprayed cold water over it to avoid a third degree burn I kept my eyes on him, as if I could ever stare Hotch out. My sabbatical was up on Monday and I'd been seriously debating my future, especially in light of everything that happened; I had almost daily job offers from every different type of field, most of which would let me stay closer to home, closer to Marley. "Marley asked me to have a word with you. She wants you to go back; she wants you to be doing something that makes you happy. And if that's not being in the BAU anymore then fine, we'd all understand but I think you still love your job."
"Marley spoke to you." He nodded before taking a gulp of his coffee. "If you don't want to go back to the team because… because of trust issues then I could find you another one. Maybe to Seaver's new team?" I thought for a minute about a new team, not spending my days in the BAU with my team. No Garcia making my laugh, no Morgan looking out for me like a big brother, no Rossi debating with me on the best type of pasta sauce. I couldn't imagine it.
"No, if I go back to the BAU, I want to be with our team. We're family. I'll be in the office on Monday, for a trial period at least." He nodded, actually looking happy at my decision while I wondered if I'd made the right one. It was a nerve wracking decision and I wondered what it would be like with Emily back again. Although the person I was most worried about working with was JJ, while it had hit Marley harder that Aaron had lied, for me it was worse that JJ had. After Emily's death I couldn't cope and had lent on JJ probably more than I should have, Marley just hadn't had the same relationship that I had with the rest of the team so I'd pushed her away in favour of someone who I'd thought could understand that dreadful pain. Now I realised just how unreasonable I'd been with her when I still refused to speak to her about Emily eight weeks on and had instead gone running to a girl who she was getting more and more paranoid about. It was at week eleven that the poor girl had finally snapped and begged me to speak to her because she couldn't bear to lose me. We'd had an awful argument and I'd stormed out. The next day had been Emily's birthday and I'd never been in such a bad place, so I called a number I'd tried to erase from my eidetic memory; the number of the dealer I used to use back when I had a problem. I'd been so close to injecting it into my system but then I'd noticed Marley's hairbrush on the bedside table, and I thought about what this would do to her. So I'd done what I should have done eleven weeks earlier and called her. JJ had known how I was struggling but she hadn't told me, and what I really didn't get was why. Why couldn't I know, or any of the others for that matter, know? We were FBI agents who loved Emily like family, we'd never to anything to jeopardise her safety. I didn't ask Hotch why he'd thought I couldn't know, there was no point bringing it up when Marley was still working on her relationship with him.
I picked up the two mugs and headed back to our room to find Marley curled up with Jack, he must have woken up again because the TV was on quietly and the two were watching some cartoon. I slid under the covers and Jack turned to grin at Marley before whispering something in her ear; I rolled my eyes, wondering what the two of them had planned and how messy it would be, but it was good to see the two of them smiling. Marley leaned over to rummage in her draw while Jack grinned ominously at me until she gave him a small object. I tried to meet Marley's eye, feeling slightly scared by the glint in Jack's eye but she just smiled and took a sip of her coffee.
"Are you ready for my coin trick? I perfected it!" He giggled before holding up a quarter while Marley smiled at me. He hid the coin from view from his other hand before revealing his now empty hands; I couldn't help smiling as he leaned up to 'find' the coin in my ear. My praise was genuine, he'd done really well considering he was only seven and I couldn't help wondering how long he'd been practicing.
"I'm going to miss this," I sighed as Jack hugged me tightly.
"Aaron talked to you?" Marley asked as she tried to keep a straight face.
"Yes, and I'm going back on Monday." She grinned before leaning over to kiss me.
"My James Bond is back." She laughed.
Walking back into the office after three months away was harder than I'd thought it would be. I already missed Marley and Jack; I wanted to be part of the morning routine with Jack taking his good sweet time to eat his breakfast and Marley faffing around getting everything she needed for college. I'd loved it when it had been the three of us, it had almost seemed like we were a proper family.
"Hey, where have you been, I wanted to do brunch this weekend?" I kept my head down when I heard JJ's voice and mumbled some excuse about my Mom, knowing it would make her less likely to pry; there was an unspoken rule among the team that my Mom's illness was private, which only intensified when I reached the age at which schizophrenic breaks happen.
Morgan's sudden appearance at my side with my old coffee mug and a quiet "how's Marley?" stemmed any further fuming about the nonchalance in JJ's voice as she'd spoken to me, as if everything was just the same as it had been a few weeks ago. She gave a slight smile as she walked past me into the conference room and I wondered how the hell I was meant to work with her when every time I saw her anger bubbled up inside me.
"Guys, we've got a case." Garcia sighed as she approached us. "It's a bad one."