All across America, the handsome face of Duke was emblazoned on television screens everywhere. Millions of viewers were treated to the sight of Duke promoting the U.S. Army.

"My fellow Americans. We live in a time of great fear. Terrorists such as Cobra are plotting to destroy us all at this very moment. That's why we must answer the call and fight for freedom and the American way."

The camera zoomed out, showing a clean cut Duke decked out in his G.I. JOE combat uniform, holding a helmet in one hand and his rifle in the other. He was standing atop the crown of the Statue of Liberty, and an American flag flew proudly behind him.

"Citizens, I ask you, do you have what it takes to be a real American hero? Are you a clean cut, muscular, and handsome all-American poster boy?"

The camera closed in on Duke.

"Then join the United States armed forces today. I am all that I can be. I am an army of one. I can go in and kick Cobra's butt all by myself, I'm such a fearless, heroic stud muffin. Enlist today, and you can be just like me. Yo Joe!"

* * *

"What kind of shit is that?"

Flint gestured toward the television in the G.I. JOE headquarters lounge, where a large number of Joes were gathered around, watching Duke's nationally televised promo.

"What's the matter honey, jealous that Duke's on TV and you aren't?"

Lady Jaye put an arm around Flint's shoulder as she leaned in, teasing him.

Flint seemed to be the only one reacting negatively toward the commercial.

"Duke, my man," Shipwreck said to Duke, "that was hilarious. I loved it. You gotta do more of those!"

"Check it out," Bazooka said to Alpine, holding up a 3.75 inch action figure of Duke. "I went to Toys 'R Us and bought my Duke action figure, complete with his jet pack and rocket launcher."

"Oh yeah?" Alpine sneered, revealing to Bazooka a formidable looking stealth bomber. "Check out my bad ass ultra maneuverable stealth bomber, fully armed with computer guided nuclear missiles. With my "bomber pilot Duke" action figure at the helm, it can kick your pussy rocket launcher's ass any day!"

"Aw man, no fair! You got off work before me and snatched up the last one," Bazooka complained.

Hawk walked into the room.

"Well Duke," Hawk said. "You've become the biggest celebrity in G.I. JOE since Cover Girl. You've got TV commercials, movie deals, rap albums, action figures, trading cards, and Happy Meals. You've got it all."

"Well, not quite," Duke whispered as he glanced toward Scarlett.

The beautiful southern red head was busy making out with Snake Eyes in a corner of the lounge. Snake Eyes and Scarlett had been an item for years, long before Duke had joined G.I. JOE and become its revered first sergeant. Secretly, Duke pined for Scarlett. Duke believed he would have done anything for her. Hell, he would even sing love songs to her if it would sway her heart. But some things just aren't meant to be.

Roadblock walked into the lounge, bearing an enormous duffel bag.

"Is that our mail?" Dusty asked excitedly.

"Nope, it's all for Duke," Roadblock said, hefting the bag and setting it at Duke's feet.

"What the hell?" Ace said.

"Fan mail," Duke said sheepishly as Roadblock emptied the contents of the bag on the floor. There was a huge pile of letters and packages.

"Uh, could you help me take all this back to my quarters?" Duke asked.

* * *

It was late that night when Duke got to his last package in his pile of mail. He was alone in his room, sorting out his voluminous fan mail, the (mostly) hopelessly romantic outpouring of teeny bopper girls from all over the world.

He started to read some of this letters aloud.

"Dear Duke,

You are so handsome. You are the kind of man I dream about. Tall, blond, blue eyed, and handsome. Sigh!"


You are so studly. I have taped your commercials and have watched them while masturbating well over thirty times now. When I am having sex with my boyfriend, I'm really thinking of you."

"Dearest Dukie pookie,

You big hunk of Nordic manliness. You are so perfectly sculpted in every way. I want to have your baby. I am an attractive single white female. Join me. Together we will have the perfect Aryan children. We will create the Master Race. Please think about it."


I am your most devoted fan. I love you so much, I have enclosed a special gift for you."

Duke paused and opened a sealed cardboard box. Inside was a shiny, polished bugle.

"This is no ordinary bugle. It is a very SPECIAL bugle. It is a magical bugle. When played, it will make every woman who hears it fall madly in love with you."

Duke thoughtfully ran his finger along the bugle's smooth horn.

The letter concluded, "This bugle has been passed down through my family for hundreds of years. And now I pass it along to you. It will change your life."

Duke shook his head. "What the hell," he said to himself as he began playing the bugle.

Having no experience whatsoever in playing a musical instrument, let alone possessing the skills to make the proper embouchure required for playing a brass instrument, the sound that emanated from Duke's magical bugle resembled the sound of a flatulent horse. He sounded like shit. He couldn't even play more than one note, if the squealing sound of a suffocating sea otter can be called a "note."

The muffled sound of Duke's pitiful bugle playing emanated down the halls of G.I. JOE headquarters.

Finally, after a full five minutes of utterly incompetent bugle playing, Duke decided to stop himself before someone else did.

"Jeez, I suck major ass at this. I knew I would regret quitting band in order to become a cheerleader," Duke lamented.

A knock on the door.

"Who is it?"

"It's Scarlett," a husky woman's voice came from the other end.

Duke opened the door and was surprised to find Scarlett on the other end, practically ready to throw herself into his arms. She was steaming red and breathing very heavily.

"Oh Duke," Scarlett said as she grabbed him and French kissed him madly.

Duke, shocked, stood in his doorway for a while, kissing Scarlett. Finally he summoned the sense to let her into his room and shut the door.

"Scarlett, what are you doing?"

"Call me Shana. It turns me on to hear you say my real name."

"Shana, what the hell are you doing?"

"Conrad, I can't stand it. I want you. My hormones are raging. My libido will not be denied. I want to make wild passionate love with you. I want to do it with you like they do it on the Discovery Channel."

Scarlett was working herself into a fever pitch of excitement. Her chest heaved as she spoke, and Duke found himself staring at her shapely breasts.

Duke shook himself out of his trance and turned his attention back to Scarlett. He took note of the bugle, lying quietly on his dresser. Wow, whoever sent him the magical bugle wasn't kidding. It was working wonders.

"But I don't think this is right," Duke said, his defenses weakening. "What about Snake Eyes?"

"Screw Snake Eyes. He's a loser, and he sucks. I told him to take a hike. Now can you please stop being such a mama's boy and start fondling my boobies?"

In one quick motion, Scarlett pulled off her shirt, revealing her entire upper body to Duke.

Duke gulped audibly.

"Okay," he croaked.

* * *

For the next ten minutes or so, Duke and Scarlett made out like a pair of wild monkeys. They were both half-naked and touching each other all over, when another knock on the door disturbed them.

"I'll take care of it," Duke said.

Duke opened the door and was practically tackled by Lady Jaye, Cover Girl, and Jinx. Scarlett shut the door and watched the scene unfold with curiosity.

"Oh Duke," Cover Girl, "I want you so bad. I've been lusting after you for years, but now I will not be denied."

"Duke," Jinx said, "How could I have hooked up with that loser Falcon? He's your half brother, but he's not half the man you are, you big hunk."

"Duke," Lady Jaye said huskily, "I was just about to have an amorous rendezvous with Flint when I heard your clarion love call. My loins began to throb with excitement. Finally I couldn't stand it anymore. I had to find you and start humping you right away."

"No kidding?" Duke said. This was amazing. All four of the women of G.I. JOE had the hots for him. Although Scarlett was a hottie, Duke wouldn't mind checking out what the other three lovely women had to offer. Frankly, he couldn't make up his mind which one he wanted. So he decided to take all of them at once.

"Come to papa," Duke said as all four women tackled Duke onto the bed.

* * *

The next morning, Flint woke up alone. He was profoundly disappointed. He and Lady Jaye were supposed to have had one of their usual late night trysts. Flint and Lady Jaye often had sex in each other's private quarters, but lately, that had gotten old. They needed to spice up their love life, so they began having sexual encounters in dangerous places. First it was General Hawk's office desk. Before long, they had moved on to the men's room, the elevators, and the cargo bay of a Tomohawk chopper. Last night, they were supposed to make love out on the airfield, beneath the stars and the summer moon. It was to be their most romantic evening yet. But for the first time, Lady Jaye had stood Flint up. That wasn't like her. What was going on?

"Hmm," Flint pondered as he wandered the halls of G.I. JOE headquarters, "Maybe I better ask Duke if he's seen her."

Flint knocked on Duke's door. There was no answer.

"Duke, it's Flint."

The door opened, and Duke appeared. Behind him were all four of the women. Everyone was fully dressed.

"Hey Flint," Duke said complacently. "Check out my harem."

"HAREM?" Flint cried indignantly. His eyes shot to Lady Jaye.

"Oh, Flinty-winty," Lady Jaye purred, "I'm soooo sorry for missing our date last night."

"What's going on here?" Flint demanded.

"I'm sorry, honey," Lady Jaye said, "but Duke is a much better lover than you are. Why, he brought me to orgasm ten times. What's our record? Four? You could stand to take a few lessons from Duke on how to pleasure a woman. Make that, how to pleasure four horny women, all at the same time."

Flint was so furious, he looked like steam was about to come shooting out of his ears.

"This is fucked up!" he cried.

Duke smirked at Flint as he led his coterie of women past Flint, down the hall. Duke put on a pair of Oakley shades and smiled, feeling like the king of the world.

"What's on the agenda for today, lover?" Scarlett asked as she walked on one side of Duke.

"Well, sweetie, we've got a long day. First I'm going to flex my muscles and yell at the other Joes and make them feel inferior. Then after lunch, we're going to pay a visit to the studio where I'll be shooting a music video. We'll have dinner, and then I can make love to all you honeys till the sun rises…"

* * *

Cobra Commander paced back and forth in front of his loyal subordinates Tomax and Xamot.

"The magical bugle that Destro sent to Duke is already doing its insidious work," Cobra Commander hissed.

"My spies tell me that already, it has begun to sow the seeds of factionalism and hate within the ranks of G.I. JOE. Just as I had hoped."

"You are--" Tomax said.

"truly brilliant," Xamot said.

"I know," Cobra Commander said. "You know now what must be done."

"We will fulfill our objective," Tomax said.

"Flint will be ours," Xamot finished.