The G.I. JOE team all gathered around Flint in the middle of the staging area. Cobra had departed, Cobra Commander had been led off in handcuffs, and Flint sat on a chair holding the magical love bugle.

"So, I guess you're not a traitor, after all?" Shipwreck said, with a note of uncertainty in his voice.

Flint nodded.

"Cool," Dusty said. "Hey, what's the deal with that bugle, anyway?"

"It's mine! Mine, PRECIOUS!" Duke hissed, lunging toward Flint. Several Joes, alarmed, grabbed Duke and restrained him.

"It's my bugle, he stole it from me. And we WANTS IT!" Duke said.

Gung Ho gave Duke a suspicious glance.

"You're acting mighty weird there, poster boy," Gung Ho remarked.

"My bugle!" Duke said. He soon began crying. "It was a gift from a fan, my precious bugle, wah hah haa, wahhh!!!"

"Bullshit," Flint declared, shocking everyone into silence. "This bugle was given to Duke by Cobra! The Baroness, knowing the special magical powers that the bugle possessed, sent the object to him in the mail. Cobra knew the bugle would cause havoc within G.I. JOE. It was all a plot to destroy us!"

Flint wisely left out saying that the whole secret motivation behind the Baroness' plot was to get Flint to join Cobra so she could have passionate sex with him.

"What are these powers you're talking about?" Ace said.

"I'll give you a demonstration," Flint said before blasting a note out of the bugle.

Suddenly, the women of G.I. JOE all lunged toward Flint, vying to touch Flint all over.

"Damn," Stalker said as he watched Cover Girl, Scarlett, Jinx, and Lady Jaye practically fall over themselves to grab Flint, "that is some hot shit! I'll buy THAT for a dollar, ha ha!"

"See what I mean?" Flint said. With the help of the other Joes, he extricated himself from the women.

But the bugle had an unexpected effect on one other member of the team. Beach Head suddenly tackled Flint and began to fondle him, just as the four women had previously been doing.

"Oh Flint, I want you so bad!"

"What the hell?" Flint cried, punching Beach Head in the face. Dusty and Shipwreck grabbed Beach Head and held him by both arms. The punch seemed to have knocked some sense into Beach Head, and his demeanor returned to normal.

"Uh, this bugle is only supposed to work on women, Beach Head. You ain't no woman."

Beach Head began sobbing.

"I am a woman-sort of!" he cried.

"What?" everyone in the room said in unison.

Beach Head had finally calmed down. Dusty and Shipwreck released him.

"I'm a pseudohermaphrodite," Beach Head confessed to everyone. "There, my secret's out. Happy now, punks?"

"A pseudo-whatzit?" Shipwreck said, scratching his head.

"I have the genes and the internal reproductive organs of a woman, but I have male genitals."

"Wow, you learn something new every day," Flint remarked.

"Hey, sorry about that," Beach Head said. "I like girls, honestly. I totally dig babes. But when I heard that bugle, my body just got all screwed up, and suddenly I had this intense desire to suck your dick."

"Uh. well, it's all good now," Flint said, giving him a sidelong glance. "I think."

Flint turned toward Bazooka.

"Excuse me, I'm going to need your rocket launcher," Flint said to Bazooka, who handed his weapon over.

"Flint darling," Scarlett said, "what are you doing?"

"Making the world safe for all you women!"

With that, Flint threw the bugle far across the room, clear to the other side, where there was no one nearby. He took aim with the bazooka and fired.

"Fire in the hole!" Bazooka shouted.

There was a big explosion, and the bugle was no more.

Scarlett, Cover Girl, Jinx, and Lady Jaye blinked in confusion for a full minute.

"What happened to us?" Lady Jaye said.

"Duke used a magic bugle to seduce the four of you ladies into having lots of sex with him," Flint said bluntly.

Lady Jaye jumped in repulsion.

"Ewwww!" Lady Jaye cried as she threw herself into Flint's arms.

"Ewwww," Scarlett also said as she backed away from Duke. She ran to Snake Eyes.

"I'm so sorry," Scarlett said as she and Snake Eyes embraced. "You thought I would seriously dump you for Duke? As if? How gross!"

Scarlett led Snake Eyes away from the staging area.

"You and I need to have hot sex right now to wash away the bad taste left by Duke," Scarlett told her lover.

"Amen to that, sister," Jinx said as she got awfully cuddly with Falcon.

Jinx pointed her finger at Duke and said, "HENTAI!"

"Hey, come on," Duke said as everyone, male and female, shrank away from him as if he was some kind of contagious leper. "I thought you girls really did fall in love with me. Come on! No harm, no foul, right?"

"You sick, sick bastard," Shipwreck said.

General Hawk approached Cover Girl, who was standing and talking with Flint and Lady Jaye.

"Hi, Cover Girl," Hawk said as he produced a bouquet of roses for her.

"Oh my goodness!" Cover Girl said, blushing.

"For you, Cover Girl," Hawk said. He turned to Flint.

"Good job, Flint."

"Wait a minute," Cover Girl said, "what do you mean?"

"It was my idea to have Flint infiltrate Cobra as a double agent after the Twins approached him. I'd say you did a mighty fine job of penetrating Cobra's most private areas, wouldn't you?"

"Uh, I sure did," Flint said, thinking of the way he had 'penetrated' the Baroness.

"But why?" Cover Girl said.

"I knew something was causing you and the other girls to act weird," Hawk said. "So when Cobra approached Flint, I had him go undercover."

"You got that right," Flint said, thinking of how he had gone 'under covers' with the Baroness.

"Okay," Cover Girl said. "So why did you just give me flowers?"

Hawk put a hand on Cover Girl's shoulder.

"Courtney," Hawk said. "I couldn't stand the thought of a beautiful woman like you having sex with a pussy-ass mofo like Duke. I've been secretly in love with you ever since day one. I've collected all of your old fashion photos, and I keep them in a special folder in my desk. You're too beautiful for words."

Cover Girl blushed again. Flint led Lady Jaye away, letting Hawk and Cover Girl alone.

"Why, Hawk, that's so sweet," Cover Girl smiled.

Hawk put his arms around Cover Girl.

"Plus," Hawk said, "there's the fact that you're the only 'available' girl left in G.I. JOE."

"Um," Cover Girl said, "Isn't this against the rules or some shit like that?"

Hawk threw off his helmet.

"The hell with the rules. Rules and regulations are for pussies. I want you so bad, I don't know what to do with myself anymore. So take away my stars, throw me in jail, kick me out of the army, but please. not until the sex is over."

Hawk and Cover Girl left the staging area, laughing.

* * *

That night was a night for orgasms. Scarlett and Snake Eyes were busy having sex in Scarlett's quarters. Jinx and Falcon were going at it like wild monkeys down in the motor pool. Lady Jaye and Flint were having sex out on the airfield under the stars. Cover Girl and Hawk were busy going down on each other in a locked conference room somewhere. Meanwhile, many miles away, Destro and the Baroness were indulging their erotic desires, as usual.

But Duke was getting none of that action. He sat alone in the Joe lounge watching his old U.S. army commercial.

"Then join the United States armed forces today. I am all that I can be. I am an army of one. I can go in and kick Cobra's butt all by myself, I'm such a fearless, heroic stud muffin. Enlist today, and you can be just like me. Yo Joe!"

Duke turned the TV off and threw the remote at it. He held his head in his hands, thinking of the lovely women he had spent the last few days humping like there was no tomorrow.

"Scarlett." Duke said softly, trying not to think of the woman he secretly loved more than any other woman. He tried not to think of the fact that she was having sex with Snake Eyes at this very moment.

"Guess some things just aren't meant to be," Duke said. "Yo, Joe."

FADE OUT.