Authors Note : I wrote this quite some time ago. I had the idea while watching Inception, I wondered what Shane would be like after Jenny's death. I thought maybe she'd be extremely heartbroken. Hopefully you guys like the idea :)
It's the only way I can still dream. In my dreams, we are still together.
I never thought it would hit me that hard, seeing her lying in that pool, lifeless. Hours before this demise I was going to break up with her, now my life was falling apart before my very eyes.
I'd sat in that interrogation room, feeling emotionless, still crushed. "You know what starts to piss me off after a while? It's when couples say the word "we", I hate it. We think; we may; we might; but we feel that's the big one. Feeling is a solitary emotion. You may feel like you're falling in love and I, me, might feel like I'm being caged".
Months had passed and I hadn't gone anywhere with my life. I sit in the corner curled up in a ball with a blanket wrapped around me with tears streaming down my face, letting the eyeliner smudge, not caring what the world thought of me now, besides, who was I really? Fooling myself that I could go into these dreams and still see her, be together, truth is that it's tearing me apart.
I walk into my studio and sit down on the arm of the chair as Jenny put her arm around me like so many times before "wow" she said in her sweet voice "what?" I asked smiling "I don't know what I'd do without you" she said looking at me "oh you'd manage, I'm sure" I said in a matter-of-fact tone, wishing I could have said something else "no I wouldn't, I would probably kill myself" I put my hand on her shoulder "oh stop" I said "I'm going to leave everything to you" she said still looking at me "you're my family" I smiled, I wanted to do more than smile, but the dream was the same, every time, I never had the heart to change it.
I look up to the roof and just let the tears spill, I missed what we had, it wasn't like any of the other throw away, don't care, relationships. I took a gulp of my beer as I attached the wires to my arms, to have one last dream with her I told myself, who was I kidding, it was my only memory of her still alive.
Lying on Jenny's bed reading a magazine as she talked about her movie and the watch that she got sent "I got a present" she gloated happily, I clapped my hands and smiled. I could change this dream to anything I wanted; I could have taken Jenny in my arms and never let her go. I threw my magazine down and got up off the bed, walked out the door, I heard sobs coming from the bathroom, I walked in to see Jenny on the floor, blood everywhere, razor in her hand, I grabbed a towel and laid it on her leg, putting pressure on it, this memory the strongest, holding Jenny in my arms, telling her it's going to be alright.
It's going to be alright, no it wasn't. I felt nothing without Jenny, my love, my girlfriend, was she really dead?
Knocking on the door and looking in the window at Jenny's sad face broke my heart, I hated seeing her this way, the hurt in her eyes as she opened the door and let me pass. Allowing myself to pack my bag all over, I knew what was going to happen, it was my memory, my dream, but I couldn't stop repeating it. "Shane, you know that it was you, when I said that you broke my heart, when I said it, it felt like my heart was breaking" I heard her sweet voice say, over and over I listened to her say that, time after time again I walked down that hallway saying "I'm never going to hurt you like that again".
Feeling her arms around me; her lips touching mine; the passion in her love. That love was a feeling I never could forget, never would forget. At the time it didn't feel like much, now it's all I feel. I didn't want to feel anything else, Jenny was, is, the one I loved, love.
I wake from my dream; I kick my beer over and yell in anger, why? why! did I have to let her go, I could have saved her. I could hear Alice's voice going around in my head "it's not your fault, Shane, you couldn't have saved her" yes I could have, should have, would have, saved her, if I hadn't watched that dvd for Bette and Tina's bon voyage and had I been with Jenny I would have saved her and she'd be with me.
Eating that oyster was a bad idea, when I'd kissed Niki and thrown up. Jenny was there to take care of me, to rub my back "my poor angel" she whispered into my ear while holding my hair back. Sitting in the bathtub with my knees up to my chest, Jenny pouring warm water through my hair and rubbing my back "it's going to be okay, Shane" she told me in that sweet, caring, loving tone. Having her dry me; clothe me; put me to bed "thank you for taking care of me" I said too many times, feeling that familiar sickness in my stomach "I'm always going to be there for you, Shane".
But you weren't, why weren't you here with me, you said you'd never leave me, everyone leaves me. My will to carry on was bludgeoned. I put my head back against the wall and let out a sob, feeling more of those black eyeliner tears flow down my cheeks, I gave so much that I have nothing left to give.
It killed my inside to see Jenny with Carmen, I thought I was in love with Carmen but it was Jenny all along. Sitting in that dark dark room, spilling my thoughts and confessions to a priest. I would go home and have meaningless sex with someone I didn't care about. Why was that line familiar? Jenny, always Jenny, sitting on the stairs of the trailer, talking about weakness.
Now who was weak, hah. I forced myself up off the floor only to trip on the blanket and fall back to the floor, sobbing harder.
Inception. Inception was the only way that I could still see her, still be with here, still relive the shit I'd done, fuck up over and over again.