A/N: While I was writing one of my beloveds, The Second Titanic, I got writers' block (curse you!) so I decided to go in a completely different direction and started to write a Twilight parody in which I am the main character, along with my voice, Lenah (who is both kick-ass and my Bipolarity).

My two best friends might get a part in this story; I haven't decided yet. Also, if you don't like people dissing on Twilight, don't read this, and I don't want you to say in a review how much you hate it. Simple as that.

This story will follow the original chapters, so they should be a steady number word-wise. Though the intro is a bit short, because I really want to get to the good stuff. Fine by you?

Disclaimer: I own this story, me and my voices. Everything else belongs to Stephanie, and she can sure-as-hell keep 'em.


It started out like any other day.

Man, that sounds corny. I was on my laptop, idly typing an idea for a new story that I was sure would go away if I ignored it. Heaps of my stories happened that way.

If you're wondering, my name's Jess.

Hey! What about me?

Fine, sorry! Lenah, everybody; everybody, Lenah. Happy now?


Of course you are.

Sometimes I hate Lenah, sometimes I love her, but I think that's just my wild mood swings talking.

Yes it is.

Shut it, you! I'm trying to narrate.

You're not doing a very good job.

How much to make you shut up?

A turn at the controls.

Ugh, fine.

Thank you. Now Jess here is a fifteen-year-old girl who – how can I say it? – is completely and utterly insane, as are our two best friends, 'Serah' and 'Claire'. Claire has anxiety issues while Serah has an obsession with a fish that isn't even real. They have an older brother, and all three of them like foreign music, mostly Asian. She also likes-

My turn!

Awww, I was just getting to the good bit!

My body, my rules.

No fair!

I will not have you spouting who I like on the internet, thank you very much! Also, don't ever say their real names as they're supposed to be confidential. I hope you know what that means.

You're insulting our intelligence, you know. Can I still narrate?

Only if you stop spouting confidential stuff, ok? No crushes, and no names!

Fine. Where was I? Yes, I remember. We were typing on the laptop when Jess decided she was bored and wanted to break out the Twilight book, just for some laughs. She opened it up, and poof!

Poof? Really? Worst narrator ever.

I'm doing a better job than you were.

That's not even what happened.

Fine, I'll tell the truth. We actually went to sleep before the poof.

You still suck.

Anyway, now that I have my body back, let me tell you the real story, starting from when I went to get the book. As Lenah so helpfully explained, I did get the book out, only because I wanted to make mince-meat out of the story, if only with Lenah. She hates it too.

Damn straight.

Now when I put the book down for bed, what I didn't notice was that the book had started glowing. You heard me: glowing.

Like a UFO in the sky.

Thank you, Lenah. Anyway, the next time I touched it, which was when mum and dad had gone to Dreamland, I picked up the book-

And, POOF!

Yeah, right. I may not remember exactly what happened, but I do know for sure there was no freakin' poof. You're the poof here.

That the best you can come up with?

No, I'm too tired.

Yes, it's short, but it's only an intro, so don't stress. This is mainly a teaser, anyway.

To avoid confusion, when Lenah talks, it will be in italic only, and when I'm talking, it will just be normal.

Anyone who wants to review, please do! All those who want to flame me can shove it through water first. If you still wanna flame me, I'll let Layla's OC Ari and my OC Andrea team up and reply. Thanks for the idea, Layla!