Super Smash Bros. But With Dialogue


Hey, everybody! Sorry for the delay! I just got a new computer, and I made this in half an hour while my internet was down, so it may not be up to the... Quality you expect from this series!


Lucas is walking through an abandoned, dirty zoo. He is automatically seen as a whiny emo kid by North American and European players, and Japanese players burst into tears from depressing flash backs. Nobody wins. Except Charlie Sheen, but nevermind his amazingness for now, and let's get on with the story.

"Wow, I spent ten minutes without anything unfortunate happening to me- OH MY GOD IS THAT A GIANT PORKY?!" Lucas yelled, as he saw what Americans see German chidren as.

He started running, and the player starts a new level. You don't have to choose a character to play as, so I don't have to write a ridiculous situation that I use to pick characters. Eventually, Lucas comes to a Primid, "Can you move?!" Lucas yelled at the enemy, "A fat kid's statue is trying to kill me!"

"Nah, I'm just gonna stay here. He's on my side, his attacks don't affect me-" The Primid answered. He then got ran over by the Porky Statue, "FRIENDLY FIRE SUCKKKKKS!"

After the sudden spike in difficulty of that level, Lucas tripped, "WHY?! WHY DID THEY DELAY THIS GAME FOR A TRIPPING MECHANIC?! WHHHHYYYYYYYY!" He yelled to Pauletena. Yes, I am still bitter about the delay, four years later. Now quick, let's move on before I start ranting about it.

"P.K. FREEZE!" The only other P.S.I. using ten year old yelled, somehow striking Porky Statue with ice, "Hey, Lucas."

"... Hey."

"I'm back. Nintendo tried to replace me with some other P.S.I. using kid, but I'm still here!" Ness gloated, "Now, have you seen my replacement? I'm gonna kick his chibi ass."

Suddenly, Porky Minch in a spider robot appeared, confusing both non-Japanese players and Lucas. "Um... Porky is your replacement!" Lucas lied.

Ness' eyes filled with anger, "Dammit, Porky!" He yelled, "Wait... How does he use P.S.I. from inside a kickass spider robot?"

Lucas thought for a moment, "Um... Nintendo logic?"

Ness shrugged, "Meh. Good enough for me. I need the exp. from this boss fight, anyway. Beating up hippies with a baseball bat doesn't do much. It's only fun the first several hundred times."

"Wait, what?"

"Nothing." Now, you choose between Ness and Lucas for the boss fight against Porky the dick. I realize that usually, one of the choices are obvious. Not now. Despite my awesome writing, I cannot make a witty remark about choosing who I play as. I am sorry.

Anyway, I pick Ness, choosing between Nostalgia of a game I never actually played, and something that made me cry. Cry manly, kickass author tears.

Ness proceeds to kick the ass of a fat kid with little to no provocation. Yeah, I'm going there, America. Canada FTW. Anyway, after the ass kicking, Porky, in the containment pod I forgot to tell you about because I kind of suck at writing, falls out of the kickass spider robot, breaking the pod.

"What did you do, Ness?!" Lucas cried, "You just freed Porky Minch! Hundreds of years into the future from your world of weird 50's parody crap, Porky almost kills the world! You just freed an immortal, time travelling abomination of pure evil! How are we going to stop him now?!"

Ness shrugged, "I know, but, I got SO much exp.!"

Lucas sighed, "How much?"

"9001." Ness answered.

"... Worth it."

The two then start walking off, "So, where are we going?" Ness asked his Japanese exclusive friend.

"I have no idea. I'm just hoping that some random crap doesn't come and rustle my jimmies."

Suddenly, a wild FAT GUY appeared!

"Aaaaand there goes the jimmies."

Wario shoots at Ness with his Trophy Gun, though Ness avoided the attack!

"Don't worry!" Assured Ness, "Wario is American! He has no clue who the Underworld you are! He won't come after you! He'll just go spam racist remarks on forums!"

"Wahahahahaha!" Wario chuckled, "I read about Mother 3 on TV Tropes!" Wario, who apparently has some sort of internet acess, aims his Trophy Gun at Lucas, "Plus, I'm not racist! Have you SEEN Punch Out? Now that's racist!"

Wario starts charging up his Trophy Gun, "Dammit! The charging is so long, something dramatics going to happen!"

Hearing Wario's genre saavy remark, Ness realizes he has time to do something awesome, and pushes Lucas out of the way of Wario's Trophy Gun, "WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU MOVVVVVVVE?!"

Wario's Trophy Gun convienently shoots at that exact moment, turning Ness into a Trophy. Lucas sensibly starts sprinting away, though this cements his status as a wuss to the American players.

Eventually, Lucas finds Red, the Pokemon Trainer, "Hey, can you help me?" Lucas asked him, "Oh yeah, you're a mute..." Lucas sighed, after not being replied for several seconds.

"Wait, what? Sorry, I was in the middle of a Pokemon Battle. Trying to train my Squirtle."

"Why?" Lucas asked.

"So I can have a Blastoise with me when I go on an adventure to find out where the hell Professor Oak gets starters."

"Ah. So, can you help me?"

"Ha. I'll help you when diarrhea turns evil." Suddenly, wild PRIMIDS appear, "Well... Let's beat these damn things up. I'll help you."

And with that heart warming but very boring dialogue, they proceed to beat the crap out of... Crap.