The Thrilling Adventures of the Amazing Team Torchwood


Rating: Teen

Flavor: Humor

Language: no

Violence: no

Nudity: only mentioned

Sex: references to smexiness

Other: contains excruciatingly bad writing

Era: Early Season 2

Number of Gratuitous Jack Deaths: 0/0

Author's Notes:

This is lovingly dedicated to all the Torchwood fan-fiction writers and readers. This story is not about any of you! Sorry to Owen fans, he didn't make it into this one.

Inspired by the Cheeky Monkeys of Dragon Age "lulzy smut challenge." I claim no responsibility. I blame my brain, which tossed this out this morning. (I would blame Zevran, but he's not even in this one.) Heck, I blame the Cheeky Monkeys! It's all their fault. Yeah.

Special thanks to spellcheck-dot-net for spelling and typo checks. Britishisms checked by ohinyan. Any mistake in their usage is my own.

The Thrilling Adventures of the Amazing Team Torchwood


"Oh look," said Ianto; "another Torchwood web site." It was his thankless job to occasionally troll the internet for these amateur investigators (stalkers) who kept posting 'top secret information' on the clandestine organization. Most of them were between harmless and clueless, but with the advent of digital cameras in every mobile phone, the local geeks liked to post all kinds of 'Torchwood sightings' online.

Toshiko leaned back in her chair, giving her eyes a much-needed break from her own screen. "There's not pictures of me and Gwen photo-shopped onto nude centerfolds again, is there?"

"Wot!" The aforementioned policewoman grabbed her coffee mug and hurried over. "When was this?"

"Did I miss something?" The captain's voice drifted down from the overhead walkway.

"You had to say the word 'nude,' didn't you?" Ianto said aside to Tosh. The tech grimaced sheepishly.

"All nudity needs to be cleared through my office," Jack said sternly, coming down the stairs.

"Sorry," Toshiko said. "But that site was accidentally terminated with extreme prejudice before it had a chance to clear your desk."

Jack chuckled with a lopsided grin as he joined the two women. They all ambled over to Ianto's desk and gathered around behind his chair. It was a really slow day at Torchwood when a web site was the main attraction.

"Oh," Ianto said, poking around the site. "It's not an information site, it's... fan fiction."

"We have fans?" Gwen asked incredulously.

"Some of us do," Jack quipped irreverently.

"And they write stories about us?" Tosh bent to peer more closely. "I'm afraid to ask."

"Clearly, it's all made up," Ianto assured her. "You," he said over his shoulder at the captain, "are apparently a blond Nordic god named Captain Jet Jaeger."

"Ooh! Actually... I think I know him."

"You have crystal blue eyes and 'rippling pectorals.' That sounds painful."

"Could be caused by subcutaneous leeches," Tosh explained eagerly.

"Your team," the archivist continued, "consists of a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead."

"Which one are you?"

"No... they are all apparently nubile graduates of the Charlie's Angels school for buxom women who want to do police-slash-spy work. One is a black belt in street-fighting style kick-boxing-"

"Didn't know you could get a black belt on the streets," Gwen snorted.

"Probably bought off a street hustler," Tosh told her.

"- another is a demolitions and firearms expert -"

"Gotta be the redhead," said Jack.

"- and the other is... get this: a world-class gymnast who 'uses her extreme agility and flexibility as a weapon to beguile, bedazzle, and kill.'"

"The blonde," they all chorused together.

Ianto clicked on the archive link and scanned the story contents. "It appears that the handsome and extremely virile captain- "

"This is so based on reality."

"- being an ex-jet fighter pilot," Ianto shot the smug captain a look; "flies his team to all sorts of exotic locations world-wide, where they wrest alien technology from despots, dictators, terrorists, and some sort of evil shadow organization. Probably the same guys from The X-Files show. Bloody Americans," Ianto commented. "Oh, and for some reason, most of the technology seems to fall into the category of 'alien sex toys.'"

"Oh, please!" Gwen moaned.

"Can we bomb this site with the virus now?" Tosh asked.

"No, wait," said Jack; "bookmark it! I want to read some!"

"I don't think even your enlightened fifty-first century sensibilities could survive this dreck," Ianto warned him.

"It can't possibly be any worse than the James Bond Bondage site that I-" He stopped abruptly as all three of his team members stared at him - "Um, that I never heard of." He cleared his throat. "Does it have hentai tentacle monsters?"

Ianto wrinkled his nose. "Definitely."

"That's classic! You can't destroy this site! Look how many followers it has. You would be denying the world this rare and unique art form."

"A hundred and fifty-seven mouth-breathers would have to find some other form of entertainment," Gwen decried in dramatic sarcasm. "Oh. The humanity."

Ianto scanned through an entry, then started reading aloud. "'Her eyelids flapped open as he bent over her, his deep blue eyes looking deeply into the depths of hers. The intensity of his blue balls made her hot pants faster and looser. He genitally' - yes, that's what it says, 'genitally'- 'genitally wiped the tears from her cheeks...'" He had to stop. The rest of the passage would have been drowned out by the women's laughter at any rate. Gwen doubled over and spilled her coffee, she started laughing so hard. Tosh actually snorted.

Jack tried to retain his composure. "Hey," he said. "That takes a lot of skill, dexterity, and massive amounts of self-control."

"Oh God, stop!" Gwen wheezed. "You're going to make me pee myself!" She thunked her mug down on Ianto's desk, and raced for the loo. Tosh followed more slowly, staggering, still giggling and snorting in a totally unladylike manner.

Ianto watched them go with a thoughtful look. "You don't see that around here too often," he said. He tried to remember the last time Tosh had laughed aloud. The stress of the job had been getting to Gwen, too.

"See," Jack told him. "This site has immense intrinsic value."

"I do suppose that's what the followers use it for. Comedic relief."

"Don't delete it."

"All right. I'll send you the URL, but I am not bookmarking it." Ianto smoothed his tie unconsciously. "I'm definitely not going to read any more of it."


At least, not when and where anyone might overhear him giggling like a naughty schoolboy.


End Notes:

Jack: "It can't possibly be any worse than the James Bond Bondage site that I- Um, that I never heard of."

- For more laughs, feel free to insert your own favorite/most-hated/craziest fandom here:

The Harry Potter Bondage site...

The Naruto Bondage site...

The Twilight Bondage site...

The My Little Pony Slash site...


I dunno, something about James Bond seemed to resonate with Jack for me.