Hahaha, wuz up my peeps!

Lol, joking im not very gangsta. This is my first Death Note fic and my first crack fic, along with my third oneshot. I was wondering what fan girls would write if they wrote to L or Light or whatevs (my homies) and how they would react.

Excuse everybody's OOC'ness. But how would you react if you were put in the same situation?

This isn't serious, it's just for fun. Also, it's just a oneshot, but if you want me to write somebody else's, review or PM me. You should know how to do that, right?

Now without further ado, here is my fic.

Enjoy :)

It was another day working for the Kira case and the small task force was beginning to assemble when Matsuda (yes, everybody's favourite sexy beast) ran in, panting and holding up his phone.

"What is it, Matsuda?" asked the older investigator, Mr. Yagami. "Has Kira began killing innocent people?"

Matsuda shook his head, still holding the phone up. "Worse."

"Huh?" the task team looked at him. What could be worse than Kira?

It took a while for the young man to catch his breath before saying, "Fangirl mail."

There was an eerie silence between them, before L stated, "Matsuda, I don't believe that is relevant."

"No, but it's still Fangirl mail," he replied. "Scary Fangirl mail at that."

Light rolled his eyes. "Please, Matsuda, what kind of girl would give you fan mail?" (A/N: Me XD)

"Exactly what I thought," Matsuda replied, then paused as he realized what he had just said. "Hey…"

Mr. Yagami grumbled. "There are more important things in this world than fan mail."

"See, that's the thing," Matsuda said. "It's not just the fan mail that is making me uncomfortable, it's the fact that I think she's stalking me."

L sighed. "If you believe that you are being stalked, we will have to look into it. We can't afford for him to give away where we are located."

Light was relieved. Kira wouldn't have to be discussed today and that took a massive weight off his shoulders. "May we see this message?"

Matsuda willingly gave him his phone and recoiled from it as if it were a snake. The task force looked at the email…

HELLOOOOO MATSU-CHAAAAAN! Is it okay if I call you that? Matsu-chan? Well, if you don't like it, that's your bad luck because I'm calling you that anyways XP

You have no idea how excited I am finally getting to talk to you via email! It took me quite some time finding your contact details like your phone number, email and your address, buuuut guess what? After three and a half weeks of hacking into the Japanese Police Department's folders and files I finally found you! It's amazing what a little positive thinking can do, huh? You're okay with that though, me hacking into the police department's folders to find you? Was it so wrong that I wanted to contact you?

So after hacking into the computer and finding your contact details I found out you were living in the Kanto region in the SAME AREA as me! What're the odds! Coincidence? I think not! Fate? Destiny? F*CK YEAH! So I decided to make it my life long mission to follow you, but of course that proved impossible since I have my studies sooooo I installed a tracker! I placed it in a place that you would never dare go look for it, or have it extracted, but I wouldn't mind exploring ;) (PS, its on your person)

So, the point of this whole letter you ask? BECAUSE YOU'RE MY FAVE CHARACTER IN MY FAVE ANIME* AND I LOOOOVE YOU! So much! You're so f***ing amazing! Not to mention so damn SEXY! And your hair? DAMN! It's so damn silky! Light aint got nothing on you.

Light rolled his eyes at this remark.

I know all your interests, your likes and dislikes, your favourite song, your favourite food, your favourite shampoo, your favourite cologne, practically EVERYTHING! I have an entire scrapbook dedicated to your sexy fine looks.

"How old is this girl?" L asked in shock.

If you were wondering, which you probably are, I'm fifteen. First year in high school, but that doesn't change the fact that I love you. Age aint nothing but a number! So just wait a few more years until I graduate from high school and then get my degree and have a steady job. Just wait for me and then we can have the most beautiful babies that will have your sexy fine hair! If they don't inherit it then I will disown them.

Don't think you can run away from fate, Matsu-chan! I have that tracker and know your exact movements, so if you think you can jump the boarder don't think I won't know. I'll be right behind you! HAHAHAHA!

So, just to recap, I love you so damn much it hurts! You're so lucky that you get to see that sexy picture of perfection every time you look in your reflection. I'm so jealous right now.

I'll see you tonight Matsu-chan! Rather, I'll see you but you probably won't see me. Hehe.

bye :)

PS, did I mention that I love you, and I want to have your babies and your hair is so sexy it hurts? That I think you're so sexy it hurts?

PPS, did I mention that you should wait for me? Until I graduate? And then get my degree?

The rest of the task force stepped back, obviously disturbed by this.

L sat on the chair the way he liked to sit and thought. After ten straight minutes of silence he finally said, "We're an anime?"

Matsuda stopped and stared at him giving L his WTF face (A/N: I was hosing myself with laughter when I pictured Matsuda with that expression. Honestly, I don't find him as WTF material.)

"I just got a letter from some demented and insane fangirl that's stalking me, installed a tracker in me, hacked into the Police Department's computers and is asking for me to 'wait for her' and that's what you're worried about?" he asked.

Light chuckled. "You forgot to mention your 'sexy hair' and the 'beautiful babies' you'll make."

"Not helping," Matsuda snapped.

L couldn't help but laugh. "Girls can be rather strange," he admitted. "I myself got a fangirl letter."

He pulled an envelope from his jeans and looked at it. "Reading it was rather . . .intriguing."

L-CHAN! OMFG, you have no idea what I had to go through to be able to contact you. After dedicating a full year of my life, I found no information concerning your contact details. Don't ask me how I was able to send the letter, I still shudder.

Apart from that, you're SO SO SO SO SO EFFING HOOOOOOT! Like DAMN boy! Me want sum o dat ass! Like seriously, when I see you walking down the street I'm all "Light who?" because you're just really sexy!

Light twitched at that. Was there no girl that thought he was sexy? What happened to logic to this world?

You're like so effing sexy that you put Leo di Caprio to shame, and that's saying something cuz, come on, the dude's SOL (Sex On Legs). Like, no jokes, your deducing and the way you frikken sit is so frikken SEXY FINE! HOW THE HELL DO YOU DO THAT AND STILL HAVE THE SEXIEST HAIR! Are like some kind of sex god or something? (A/N: that's probably the most amount of words that are or include 'sex' in one paragraph that I've ever written XD)

Does it seem like I'm writing on a sugar high? That's because for the past couple weeks I tried to eat your kind of diet which consisted of the four essential food groups: sugar, cake, candy and chocolate! Of course, I've probably thrown up at least twice this morning and might have chronic diarrhea, but if it's for you, it's totally worth it!

Anywhoozle, I loooooove you so much! I'm even studying to become a detective just like you so we can be like partners or something. I'm seventeen btw, so I'm not far behind you :)

I will be the bestest girlfriend you ever had, if not that, lover, and if not that, your 'mistress'. I don't even care if you're like married or whatever and I might screw your relationship with your wife, it will be worth it in the end, and I'm sure you can agree with me too when I say this :)

I know it might seem weird, considering we haven't met, but like will you marry me one day? PLZ, PLZ, PLZ say yes! That's how much I love you! I even have the wedding all planned out. Of course, if you don't want to get married that's chilled too. But I'm just saying the option is out there ;)

Bye L-chan :)

"Admittedly not as… 'out there' as Matsuda's, but a fangirl letter all the same," L said.

Even Mr. Yagami couldn't hold back a snicker. At least his own son wasn't getting such mail.

Just then, Light's phone began buzzing which indicated that he had a new email. Seriously? He fished it out of his pocket and looked at the sender. Nobody he ever knew. He opened the email up.

Hi Light-chan ;)

Before I go any further, I know you're Kira, and I think you're just so damn sexy fine for that too ;) I'm really into the whole justice thing and crap like that and reigning as God in a perfect world.

Screw this formal shit, I'm going all out fan girl.

I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! Screw Misa, well don't actually screw her. Be with me! We deserve to be together. I'll be like your slave, you can use me however you want! And yes, I do mean that, if you know what I mean ;)

Your hair is so damn sexy! And your voice! DAMN!

This might be a good time to point out that I may or may not have been kinda, sorta, maybe stalking you for the past year…or two, hehe. Plus, if you're wondering what happened to your white shirt and your cologne, I might have climbed through your window and stolen them from your room when you were out. I like your smell. Its, in a word, SEXY!

Haha! So, consider my request Light, to be with me and not Misa, okay? And in return, I won't accidentally 'borrow' your stuff, because I'll have you.

Love u lots!

Light cleared his throat and shoved the phone in his pockets. "Damn fangirl stole my favourite shirt," he muttered under his breath.

Mr. Yagami was looking at them in confusion. "Another fangirl?" he asked. "This is starting to get absurd. What should we do?"

L considered for a while, stirring his…'tea' before saying his final answer. "Nothing."

"Excuse me?" Matsuda asked. "I have a tracker placed in a very delicate spot, not to mention that I don't want to know how it got there, and yet you're telling me that we shouldn't do anything?"

"Precisely," L said. "These girls didn't know what they were doing-"

"Clearly if they sent fanmail to Matsuda," Light muttered, earning a glare from the sex god himself.

L ignored them. "From what I know, fangirls can be quite…" he struggled to find the right word.

"Persistent?" Watari offered.

"I was going to say obsessive," L replied. "But, they should be able to get over this after a while."

Light gave him WTF look. "Are you kidding me? We're talking about a girl that claims to have been stalking me for two damn years, L."

"And a girl that has a tracker installed somewhere on me," Matsuda reminded. "A fifteen year old for Chrissake! Who asked me to 'wait for her'."

"Thank you, Matsuda, I think you've made your point," Mr. Yagami said. "The bottom line is these girls are no threat compared to Kira."

"Coming from the guy who got no fanmail," Matsuda muttered.

Light leant against the door frame. "I guess it's safe to say that I'm going to lock my window tonight."

"Light, don't tell me you're afraid of some fangirl raping you," Ryuk muttered. (A/N: amazing how people just keep popping up outta nowhere in this fic)

Light chuckled lightly. The great Kira himself being raped? Puh-lease. That was ridiculous. (A/N: is it strange to say I find the thought of Light being raped by a fangirl extremely funny? Actually, that sounds like a great story. If there's any random fic you guys happen to know of that has to do with Light being raped by a fangirl, please PM me the link. Yes, I'm evil and random like that, I know)

Matsuda sighed and sat down on a sofa, feeling overwhelmed. "What I would love to know is how I caught the attention of a fifteen year old girl who's still in her first high school year."

"How did they know about my…preference to sweet things?" L mused.

And how the f*ck they knew about me being Kira, Light thought but said aloud, "How did she know where I live?"

They paused a while in thought until L stopped stirring. "Matsuda? Your letter said that you were her favourite character in her favourite anime, is that correct?"

"Yeah…I thought she was so hyped up she didn't know what she was saying," Matsuda replied.

"Hmm." Was it possible that they were, in fact, in an anime? A TV show?

"But she did say that she lived in the same area as me," the young man reminded. "If we were, in fact, in a TV show, I doubt that we would get the letters in the first place. That wouldn't make any sense."

"Interesting deduction," L said, pondering.

"Let's just pretend for a while that this was an anime," Mr. Yagami said. "Who would be the main character?"

Another awkward silence. Neither one of the three fangirl letter victims had wanted to say that they each thought they were the main characters. (A/N: poor Matsuda, little does he know DX)

"These juvenile antics have gone for long enough," L muttered. "We must stick to the task at hand."

The task force muttered in agreement, taking their seats and deciding that they would ignore the letters…for now.

And done! How was it?

As you might have figured out by now, I LOVE Matsuda, thus the extremely long fangirl letter. Yes, call me crazy for loving him even though I'm like waaaaaay too young for him.

I don't like Light much…sorry if his fan letter was crappy. Meh *shrugs*

About the whole 'Matsuda being her favourite character in her favourite anime even though they live in the same area' thing, I really don't know how that could happen. Some weird rift in the space-time continuum (don't you love that word?)

So review please? Pretty please? Pretty, pretty please?

RANDOM QUESTION! If your favourite Death Note character had a cologne or perfume brand, what would they call it? Tell me in reviews, okay? It can be in English or Japanese, but make sure you translate it so people like me who's basic Japanese vocab consists of 'konnichiwa, gomanesai, arigatou, kawaii, tsundere, yandere, otaku, yaoi and yuri' will understand, okay?