Title: Erotic Friend Fiction; Or, The Yamanaka SNAFU
Sum: An epic body switch fic, wherein Ino should never use her jutsu when she has her period, and Hinata should not be trusted—ever. Gift crackfic for Maxridelover.
***sorry for the false publish, the site was being suckish****
First off, thanks to TwinkleToast for beta'ing. Heehee, you rule:) Also, thanks to maxridelover for being awesome and helping me think of the idea for this fic, and also for being a faithful reviewer:) You rule Max-kun!
Second, this very silly fic was inspired by an episode of Bob's Burgers, wherein Tina writes erotic friend fiction. Thanks Bob's Burgers!
Third, I wasn't sure if I should boldface or italicize the story that the characters read inside of the story *ugh, brain hurts*. In the end, I decided just to let proper punctuation and apt tag-lines say it all for me. I think it should be fairly self-evident when the characters are reading the fic, and when the characters are speaking in "real-time," shall we say. If not, flame me at the end T-T.
Erotic Friend Fiction
"Pig, what is this all about?" Sakura huffs, jogging up to the front door of the flower shop. "I've got a bajillion surgeries scheduled for today, I haven't slept in two days, and—"
"It's important Forehead," Ino says with a shrug, "or at least that's what this note says."
With a grunt, Sakura grabs the note out of Ino's hands and scans it quickly. "…Hinata says this is important—like life or death kind of important. Geez," she mutters, "Hinata isn't one to fuck around. I guess it really isan emergency. Let's go."
Ino nods quickly and jogs next to Sakura, pushing stray wisps of hair out of her face. She isn't sure what to expect. The note had been delivered by an anonymous ANBU member to the Yamanaka flower shop, and before Ino could have asked any questions, the agent had disappeared. Is Hinata in trouble? Or maybe it is Naruto—gods, maybe the Akatsuki had kyuubi-napped him, and Sakura and Ino are to be part of some top-secret plan to recapture him.
Ino's mind goes wild with stories and scenarios as they run into the Hyuga compound. Apparently, they are expected, for Neji meets them at the door.
"I'm glad you're here," Neji murmurs, his hands clutching a piece of paper anxiously. "Hinata says it's important…"
"You don't know what this is about, either?" Sakura asks.
Neji just shakes his head. Before he can respond, other breathless ninja appear at the doorstep: Kiba and Shino, their faces creased with concern, lean on the doorpost and pant, Akamaru huffing by their heals.
"We got a note from Hinata," Kiba gasps, "what's going on?"
"Oi," calls a voice from afar, "what's all this about an emergency meeting? It's so freakin' troublesome…"
"Shikamaru!" Ino snaps, "Naruto could be eviscerated by crazed Akatsuki agents by now—or Konoha could be under attack by extraterrestrial life forms! And all you care about is being a lazy sack of shit. Can't you take anything seriously?" she grouses. "And where the hell is Choji?"
"He went to get some snacks—ow!" Shikamaru protests when Ino hits him on the head.
As the two teammates squabble, other ninja come onto the scene: Tenten ambles up, filing her nails with a kunai, while at her side Rock Lee is babbling something incoherent about being youthful, and green, and…youthful. Even Sasuke saunters up, his hands stuffed deep into his pockets, a permanent scowl on his face. The very last to arrive is Choji, his arms full of barbecue potato chips and sake bottles.
"Choji!" Ino hisses, "What's with the alcohol?"
Choji grins nervously. "The emergency mystery note told me to bring snacks and sake, Ino. Chill out. I bet we're just going to watch a movie or something—"
Choji cannot complete his sentence, because Ino is smacking him. Before she can get out of hand, Shikamaru restrains her with his shadow possession jutsu.
"What a pain in the ass," Shikamaru mutters. "Come on, let's go inside; the note said to convene in Hinata's bedroom."
Neji looks scandalized. He knows he shouldn't let so many people into Hinata-sama's room, but at the same time, his curiosity is getting the better of him. Anyway, the note didsay to meet in Hinata's bedroom. Against his better judgment, Neji lets the assembled company inside.
"Hey, the only people we're missing are Naruto and Hinata," Choji manages around a mouth full of chips. "Don't you think that's weird?"
"Hinata is probably in her bedroom waiting for us," Shikamaru replies. But when they open the door, Hinata is nowhere to be seen. Instead, there is a sign that says, "SIT THE FUCK DOWN" over her couch. As bidden, the ninja sit the fuck down. When they do, they see a sign over her computer that says, "PRESS PLAY; BITCHES."
"Did she really need that semi-colon between press play and bitches?" Shikamaru says as he perches on the arm of the sofa.
"Shut the fuck up and press the play button, Shikamaru!" Ino snaps. Shikamaru wants to protest, but Ino shoots him a glare, and he thinks the better of it. However, he is still a lazy-ass, and so, without removing his butt from the couch, he uses his shadow possession jutsu to press play.
"Gods, Shika, you are such a lazy-ass," Ino mumbles.
"And you are so original," he mutters back.
"What was that?" Ino leans in towards Shikamaru, growling menacingly, but she has no time to smack him—the computer screen turns on.
"Welcome, one and all, to my grand unveiling!" Hinata calls cheerfully from the monitor.
"What the fuck?" Sakura cries. "What kind of stupid—"
On the screen, Hinata rolls her eyes. "I can hear you, betch. This isn't a recording; it's a web cam."
"Hey everyone!" Naruto calls, jumping into the picture and flinging his arms around Hinata. "Does this web cam make my face look fat?"
Ino leaps off the couch. "The fuck, Hinata! I thought this was an emergency—"
"Hinata," Kiba barks, "we were seriously worried. What are you—"
"If you goons would let me explain," Hinata snaps, "I have some very important news to share with you."
"Ohmygawd—don't tell me you and Naru-tard eloped!" Sakura squeals.
Hinata shoots Sakura a withering look from the monitor. "Naruto and I don't believe in the institution of marriage. It's an oppressive creation of the patriarchy that just further serves the misogynist agenda of the current hegemony—"
"Whoa, babe, what's a hegemony? Is that some kind of bush?" Naruto breaks in.
Hinata slaps a hand over Naruto's mouth and smiles widely. "Anyway, that's not why I brought you all together today. I wanted to announce my latest blog post."
There is a collective groan from all those assembled. Ignoring them, Hinata presses on, "Hey, my blog is frackin' awesome. I thought you would all be happy for me."
"We are happy for you, Hinata-sama," Neji mumbles, "but—"
"But we have busy lives, and we can't drop everything just to hear about your blog," Sakura finishes for him.
"Your stupid blog," Sasuke mumbles.
"Naruto," Hinata murmurs, "please press the emergency button."
Naruto, grinning broadly from the computer screen, presses said emergency button, which is big and red and shiny. Immediately, iron bars fall from Hinata's ceiling, blocking the doors and windows—the ninja are trapped.
"This is troublesome."
"Tch. This sucks. Hinata, Naruto, I seriously hate you guys."
"Gah! Those bars came perilously close to my perfectly manicured toes!"
"Shut up, Pig, we have worse problems than your manicure."
"EVERYONE, SHUT UP!" Hinata screams from her webcam.
Everyone shuts up.
"Now then. I would like to tell you all what my new blog is about."
"The PASSION of YOUTH!"
"Shut up, Lee," both Tenten and Neji moan.
"I'll bet you it's about something porn-y," Sakura complains.
"Right you are!" Hinata beams from the monitor. "As you know, my fanfictions have become world famous. In just one day, I get at least two thousand hits on my fics, and hundreds of reviews. That's because—"
"You're a pervert," Sasuke says with a smirk.
"—I'm a genius," Hinata concludes, glaring at Sasuke. "Hey Akamaru? Be a good boy and bite the emo for me."
"Ow! The fuck! Restrain your dog, Kiba!"
"Sorry," Kiba says with a laugh, "he's trained to bite on cue."
Hinata clears her throat and continues over Sasuke's muffled cries of pain, "Anyway, I got to the point where fanfic wasn't enough. I mean, how many M rated fics can one human being write about Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Star Trek? Smurfs? I've tackled every ship, every position, every—"
"Smurfs?" Kiba gasps. "You wrote porn—about smurfs?"
"My childhood has been ruined," Choji moans around a mouth full of chips.
"Choji? We're children soldiers," Ino points out. "Our childhood has already been ruined by Konoha, not by randy blue midgets…"
"What's happened to you, Hinata?" Kiba cries. "You used to be so—so—"
"Innocent?" Hinata coos. "Well kiss your innocent Hinata goodbye. Would someone who is naive and sweet write a pornographic crossover fanfic between Power Rangers and Teletubbies? I don't think so…"
"Oh dear gods!" Sasuke shrieks. "Not Teletubbies!"
All eyes turn to stare at Sasuke.
"What?" he snarls. "I'm not the one whose defiled Tinky Winky with Jason Lee Scott. You sick bastard," he shouts, pointing towards the monitor.
Hinata rolls her eyes. "Anyway. Moving on, I grew tired of my fanfic pairings. I wanted something more from life. And so, I began to write erotic friend fiction."
Multiple gasps punctuate the pregnant silence that follows Hinata's words.
"You—you mean you wrote M rated fiction? About us?" Ino gasps, as if that had never been done before in the history of anime.
"Indeed," Hinata bellows, "and that is why I am currently taking a vacation with Naruto in Hawaii, far, far away from all you wonderful, violent people. And now, I am pressing the publish button, and—presto! My very first erotic friend fiction has been published on the world wide web!"
There is a long, dramatic pause before Neji asks, hesitantly, "Hinata—just how many people are subscribed to your blog?"
"Roughly five million. Well, enjoy your fame, all you smexy, smexy people. This is Hinata and Naruto, signing off."
"Later guys! Me and Hinata are going to go swim with dolphins, datte-fucking-bayo!"
Hinata and Naruto wave once, twice, before their webcam goes dead. The computer monitor glows an unholy blue, but no one makes a move to get up. Everything is silent—deathly silent. Harry-Potter-and-the-Deathly-Hallows-silent, that's how fucking silent it is.
At last, with tremulous limbs, Sakura goes to the computer and connects to the internet. The nefarious blog appears: WWW DOT THE HINATA DOMAIN DOT COM SLASH EROTIC-FRIEND-FICTION. As the page loads, no one breathes.
"Oh gods," Sakura moans, "the story starts with me and Ino."
"Yuri! Hells to the yes, lesbian porn about our friends for the win!" squeals Akamaru.
All eyes fall on Kiba's dog.
"What?" Akamaru whines. "I can't like yuri ninja porn?"
"You can talk," Kiba blurts out.
"You like porn—about humans," Ino cries.
"Why? Because this is a crack fic," Shino buzzes, shaking his head from side to side. "I don't know why you guys are so surprised. For Kami's sake, I can disintegrate into a puddle of bugs, Tenten over there can whip out a can of whoop-ass from a piece of paper, Sasuke cries tears of blood like a fucking Trueblood® vampire, and Sakura's hair is pink. Why does a talking, porn-loving dog surprise you? Have you seen Pakkun, Kakashi's summons?"
"Shino," Sakura snaps, enraged that her absurd hair color has been contrasted with porn-loving dogs, "we have more important things to worry about right now! If you weren't listening, five million people are going to read a story about me and Ino doing something impure!"
"I'm with Akamaru," Shikamaru says with a shrug. "If the worst thing that happens today is Ino and Sakura having fictitious sex, I'd say all's well that ends well—"
Shikamaru cannot complete his sentence; he is summarily pummeled by Sakura and Ino until he falls into a pool of his own blood and teeth.
"There's nothing for it, guys," Neji says, ever the voice of reason. "We just have to brace ourselves and read the fic of doom that Hinata-sama has published about us. I mean, how bad could it be?"
"Oh, it could be bad," Sakura calls, her worried eyes scanning the screen. "It could be really, really bad."
"Tch, please," Sasuke snaps, getting up from the couch. "I'll read. It can't be worse than poor Dipsy and Laa-Laa getting raped by teenage robots."
"Wow Sasu, are you really still hung up on the Teletubbies crossover fic…?" Sakura mutters as Sasuke pushes her aside.
"Ahem," Sasuke says, ignoring Sakura as he leans over the computer. The monitor bathes his face in blue light. "Ino Yamanaka has her period."
"Aw, gross!" Kiba calls. "Why you gotta tell us personal details about Ino's down there?"
"Oh grow up, Kiba!" Ino snarls. "He's just reading the fic."
Sasuke rolls his eyes and continues. "Ino Yamanaka has her period. She isn't feeling quite right—she's bloated, and her head hurts, and damn it, she has the worst cramps ever." Sasuke coughs and looks up from the computer screen, his face green. "Anyone else want a turn?"
Sakura snorts and pushes Sasuke aside. "Ahem. Unfortunately for Ino, she has a mission with her team that she absolutely cannot get out of. It's troublesome, as Shikamaru would say, but that's only because Shikamaru has no imagination.
"Ino digs in her purse, but unfortunately, she has no Advil with which to alleviate her crippling period cramps—"
"Geez," Kiba interrupts, "this is the worst fic ever."
"Overshare," calls Shino.
"Get over it," chorus Tenten, Ino, and Sakura.
Shikamaru smacks himself in the face. "Just—continue reading the damn fic, Sakura."
Sakura smiles brightly and continues. "And thus, Ino is forced to ask her best-worst-enemy-friend, Billboard brow—aka Sakura-I-have-an-anger-management-problem-Harano—for a painkiller. Hey!" Sakura cries, pulling away from the computer, "This is libel!" She reels back her fist to smash the computer to bits, but Tenten catches her wrist.
"Really, Sakura," Tenten mutters, "don't prove Hinata's point. Shove over and let me read." Sakura and Ino make way for Tenten, who monopolizes the plush computer chair and clears her throat. "Ino makes her way to Sakura's house, cursing all the while. It feels like her ovaries are trying to pound their way out of her abdomen with sledge hammers, and the pain makes her progress slow. If only she could switch bodies with someone, just for a little while, and be free of this mind-numbing pain."
Tenten blinks, then turns away from the computer and regards the assembled ninja. "This isn't so bad so far. Gods, what's so horrible about period fanfic—"
"Ooooooooooh. I think one of my bugs just exploded."
"Most, uhh, unyouthful."
"Gah! This fic is such a fucking bother."
"It's going to be okay, Akamaru. Just drink more sake…"
"Hn. I want to kill Hinata for writing this fic."
"Neh… I can't believe Hinata-sama wrote something so unseemly."
"I think I'm going to upchuck these potato chips…"
Tenten glares at the menfolk, who are in different stages of holding their ears, mouths, stomachs, or are balled up in a fetal position. "Insensitive boobs," Tenten grumbles. "You should know how it feels to bleed out of your genitalia—"
"Tch. Try crying blood. You know nothing about my pain."
"My poor virgin ears!"
"Shut up, Neji. Why? Because your poor virgin ears are nothing compared to my traumatized insects."
"I think my youthfulness just died."
"Burp. I'm having indigestion…"
"This unbelievably troublesome."
"Akamaru, come here; I need to cover your ears."
The menfolk can't continue, as they are forced to dodge a barrage of kunai, courtesy of one irate Tenten. "Shut the hell up and let me read, you fucking fascists, or I'll break out the testicular electrocuter!"
There is a collective gasp, and then silence. No one wants Tenten to open that scroll. Fearing for their unborn children, the men cower on the sofa and cover their family jewels as Tenten continues reading.
"Aaaaaaand back to our story. Finally, Ino makes it to Sakura's house. Weak from pain, she knocks on the door feebly and collapses on Sakura's landing. When Sakura opens the door, she cries out in surprise. She funnels healing chakra into Ino's abdomen, but it is no use: the pain will not abate.
"Just as Sakura goes inside to fetch Ino a painkiller, Shikamaru and Choji stumble onto the scene, the former looking pissed, the latter looking fat."
"Hey! I'm not fat, I'm just big boned!"
"Shut up, Eric Cartman," Tenten mutters. "Anyway. Shikamaru calls to Ino, 'Hey, we're supposed to be on a mission—what are you doing, borrowing Sakura's eye liner or purloining her nail polish? The gods forfend that you go on a mission without your precious nail polish!'
"Ino rises to her feet, shaking with anger. Without thinking about the consequences of her actions, she activates a new, nefarious jutsu with Shikamaru. Pcheeeeeew!"Tenten calls, in her best approximation of a Pokemon sound effect. "Ino, now in Shikamaru's body, rises from the ground and laughs maniacally. 'How do you like my new jutsu, you dickfuck? That wasn't a body-mind transfer—that was a body transfer!'"
Tenten snickers to herself before continuing to read. "Shikamaru, now in Ino's body, collapses on the ground. 'Good gods, I'm hemorrhaging! I'm dying, I'm dying, oh, what a world, what a world!'
"Just then, Sakura returns and eyes the wailing kunoichi askance. 'Geez, Ino, it's like you've never had a period before.'
"'I haven't had a fucking period before! I'm not Ino—it's me, Shikamaru! That bitch switched places with me!'
"Sakura merely shrugs. 'Serves you write, you chauvinist pig—'"
Tenten cannot complete her sentence, because Shikamaru himself breaks in: "Aw, come on, this is crap. Why does this fic involve me getting a period, for fuck's sake?"
"Because you deserve it," chorus Sakura, Ino, and Tenten.
"I'm actually liking this fic so far," Ino muses, her voice airy. "Come on, lemme read Tenten."
Tenten rises from the computer chair and obliges, while Sakura mutters something under her breath to the effect that Ino will most likely not enjoy what is about to happen. She has, of course, read the summary to the fic, and knows that nothing good can come of Ino using her jutsu while she has her period.
Ino, blissfully unaware of this, and enjoying Shikamaru's discomfort all too much, begins the tale again. "Ahem, ahem, ahem. Where were we? Ah yes, I have just switched bodies with Shikamaru-no-asshole, and he is currently writhing around on the ground like the pussy that he is."
"Stuff it, Shikamaru, because I have my period right now for reals, and I willswitch bodies with you if I hear one more word out of your mouth."
Shikamaru squeaks, then throws both hands over his mouth. Ino smirks and continues reading Hinata's blog. "Ahem, ahem. Just as Shikamaru, that lazy-ass, woman-hating, ass-clown is writhing around on the floor in mortal period pain, who should round the corner but Uchiha Sasuke. 'Sa-ku-ra,' calls the emo, 'have you seen Naruto? We have a mission in less than an hour, and I can't find the moron anywhere.' He looks down at Ino. 'And what the hell is Ino's problem?'
"Sakura rolls her eyes. 'Don't ask,' is all she says. 'Anyway, I think Naruto is out of town—didn't he go to Hawaii on a vacation with Hinata?'
"Choji, who hitherto has been silent, chimes in. 'Yeah, I think they had some epic plan of revenge against all of us for video tapping them having kinky sex and posting it on the internet— Oh," Ino calls, no longer reading the fic. "Oh no. So this is what this is all about!"
"Gods damn it," Neji mutters, "I certainly didn't know about that! Who video tapped Hinata-sama having sex—wait. Hinata-sama had sex? With that monkey, Naru-tard? Nooooooooo!" Neji wails, falling to the floor and melting into a puddle of hapless Hyuga.
"Duh, Neji, everyone knew about that," Kiba growls. "Apparently, you don't have Byakugan ears, otherwise you would have heard about it by now."
"Byakugan ears?" Shino buzzes. "That was asinine."
"Screw you!" Kiba barks. Before they can get into a brawl, Neji interjects.
"But—who video tapped Hinata and Naruto having…having…s-s-s—"
"It's called sex," Tenten snaps. "Don't be such a noob, Neji."
"The truth is, Naruto and Hinata video tapped themselves having sex," Sakura chimes in. "But when Ino and I found the sex tape, we couldn't help ourselves, and posted it on the internet. The thing went viral, and we made a few thousand dollars in YouTube advertisements."
"You WHAT?" Neji gasps.
"Yeah, and then the rest of us sort of posted the link to the video on all of our Facebook, Twitter, and other social media accounts," buzzes Shino.
"But—she's your teammate!" Neji cries.
"Yeah, and she makes good porn," Kiba replies with a shrug.
"Really good porn," Sasuke mutters.
"Oh Kami-sama!" Neji cries.
"I embedded the video on my Wordpress blog and made a few hundred dollars off my advertisements," offers Rock Lee. Everyone turns to stare at him. "What?" Lee mumbles, "To be a capitalist in our media- and sex-driven society is most youthful. Kakashi-sensei said so."
"KAKASHI-SENSEI?" everyone in the room cries.
"Well, yeah. I made an extra fifty bucks by burning him a dozen copies of the video onto DVD," Lee offers, sheepish. "Kakashi-sensei said I had a better DVD burner than his…"
Sakura smacks herself in the face. "Well, at least we know Hinata and Naruto's motive for writing this fic."
"Those jerks," Ino grouses, "they made roughly one million dollars off the film themselves."
"They did?" squeaks Neji.
"Yeah. They saw how successful the first porn was, and proceeded to create a whole YouTube channel dedicated to their adult videos," Tenten remarks, nonchalantly. "Geez, Neji, where have you been?"
But Neji cannot respond; he is passed out in a puddle of his own vomit.
"I can't believe those two would hold a grudge against us for so long," sighs Sakura, "especially since our prank was the ticket to them making a ton of money."
"You know nothing about revenge," rasps Sasuke. "Their hatred must have run deep."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever emo-face," Ino retorts. "Come on, let's read this fucking story and get this over with."
"I'll read," buzzes Shino. He slides over to the computer and co-opts the captain's chair. In a complete monotone, he begins, "And then Choji said, 'Yeah, I think they had some epic plan of revenge against all of us for video tapping them having kinky sex and posting it on the internet.'
"'Oh,' said Sakura and Sasuke, nonplussed. Sasuke continued, 'I wonder what they have planned for us. Not that I care about anything, except for Teletubbies, which I secretly watch at three in the morning to relieve my bouts of insomnia—'"
Everyone snickers at Sasuke as he spazzes out and interrupts the story, except for Shino, who continues to read without any inflection, "'Well anyway—and this is Sakura talking,'" Shino adds as an aside, "'I think we're supposed to join up with Ino-pig's team, today, since we're out a team mate.'
"'That's problematic,' says Sasuke, 'because it looks like that bimbo is incapacitated.'
"'Fuck you, Uchiha bastard,' wheezes Shikamaru, still trapped in Ino's body. 'This is Shikamaru. Ino switched bodies with me.'
"'That was already ascertained in the narration,' Sasuke counters. 'You don't need to be redundant. Anyway, Ino, switch back with Shikamaru. We can't go on a mission with Shikamaru being such a pussy.'"
Shino stops reading, and snickering breaks out in the room, while Shikamaru, his cheeks aflame, crosses his arms and harrumphs. "Come on, Shino," calls Kiba, "put some feeling into your voice when you call Shikamaru a pussy!"
Shino holds up his hands in defense. "I didn't call Shikamaru a pussy. Why? Because technically, that was Sasuke."
"I call for a new reader!" shouts Tenten. "Someone who can read with passion—"
"Say no more, my flower!" Lee shouts, jumping up out of his seat. Ignoring the collective groan of horror, he boots Shino from the captain's seat and starts reading.
Lee calls, in a booming voice, "'Ino, still in Shikamaru's body, laughs, but in the end agrees to switch back to her own body and to return Shikamaru's body—though she has thoroughly enjoyed possessing Shikamaru's dick, no matter how small it was—"
"Shut up, Shikamaru," Tenten mutters. "Everyone knows that your giant brain is compensating for your tiny penis."
"Please, friends, it is unyouthful to interrupt," Lee chides. "And now, for the story. Ino forms the hand-signs to complete her jutsu, and—"
"Pcheeeeeeeew," Tenten cries, taking charge of the sound effects.
"—And executes her body transfer jutsu. The assembled ninja blink. Ino's body, still prone on the ground, moans. 'Oh gods, no one knows my pain.'
"'Sasuke?' calls Sasuke's body. 'How the hell did you get into my body?'
"'Oi, when did I gain so much weight?' calls Choji's body.
"'And when did I lose all my muscle mass, becoming a wimpy-ass ninja?' calls Shikamaru's body.
"'What the hell is going on here?' Sakura-san roars. After much babbling, she realizes that Ino is in Sasuke's body, Sasuke is in Ino's body, and that Shikamaru and Choji have likewise changed places." Lee pauses in his narration, his brow creased in confusion. He turns away from the computer and mutters, "This is very complicated for a porn…"
"Come on, Lee," Tenten calls, "either read or let someone else do it!"
Lee shoots Tenten a pained look. "That was very unyouthful, Tenten. I will continue to read, for that is what I promised to do—and if I fail in my mission, I will force myself to do five hundred push-ups in the nude with Sakura-san on my back—"
"The fuck you will, Lee-san," Sakura sputters. "Just—read the fic."
Lee nods with determination and prepares to read again. "In our story, Sakura-san laughs until she cries. 'Oi! Sasuke!' Sakura-san proclaims, "You are having your period!'
"'Fuck you,' mutters Sasuke, trapped in Ino's body of pain—"
"Fuck you," Sasuke interrupts in real time, as he bashes his head against the wall.
Lee shoots Sasuke a dirty look before clearing his throat and continuing to read: "'Yo, forehead,' Ino calls from Sasuke's body, twirling his raven hair around his (her?) fingers, 'this is actually pretty awesome.'
"'You mean,' replies Sakura-san, 'besides the fact that Sasuke is literally having his period? How could this day even get any better?'"
Sasuke moans in real life and interjects, "Gods, what the hell is wrong with Hinata?"
Lee gives Sasuke the hairy eyeball. "Uchiha, please shut up and let me finish the gallant tale of Ino Yamanaka's body switching SNAFU. Ahem. Sakura-san asked how her day could possibly get any better, and…" Lee scans the computer screen to find his place and shouts, "And Ino, in Sasuke's body, takes Sakura-san roughly by the shoulders and…and…and she kisses Sakura-san!" Lee blurts out at last. "Oh my—how…how…"
"Youthful?" Tenten hazards.
"Um…yeah," Lee replies. "How did you know?"
"Oh geez," Sasuke grumbles. "I can't believe my body is being used like a sex toy in this fic."
"Just like your beloved Tinky Winky was used by the Red Power Ranger, eh, Sasuke-kuuuuun?" Sakura coos. "This is actually pretty awesome—"
"Awesome 'cause you're kissing Ino, or awesome 'cause you're kissing Ino in Sasuke's body?" Tenten queries.
Sakura blushes and mutters, "Eh, Lee-san, just keep reading!"
Lee grins and finds his place once more. "When we last left our heroes, Ino was hooking up with Sakura-san via Sasuke's body. Mmmm hmmm! Sasuke, still ensconced inside of Ino's body, screams and begs them to stop, but they do not. Ino has Sasuke's tongue shoved half-way down Sakura-sans's throat, and by golly, Sakura-san likes it—"
Lee cannot complete his sentence, because Sakura and Ino interrupt.
"Holy crap, Forehead."
"Holy shit, Pig."
"We should totally try that," they cry in unison.
"Aw, hells no," Sasuke shrieks, hiding behind Shikamaru. "You will not have lesbian fun times using my body—fuck no."
"Excuse me," Lee shouts, fist pumping in the air, "but you can try your happy-lesbian-fun-time-no-jutsu with Sasuke's body later. I am trying to finish reading Hinata-chan's fic, and your interruptions are most unyouthful. Next person to interrupt gets a leaf whirlwind hurricane shitstorm in their face."
Lee glares all around, but when the room is silent, he turns back to the computer monitor and picks up his narrative again. "Let's see…ah yes, Sakura-san and Ino are making out using Sasuke's body, and they like it both in Hinata's fic, and possibly, in real life. It is at that moment that Ino has a…she has a…oh gods," Lee mumbles, "I cannot read that. That would be most…er…unyouthful." Blushing and suppressing a nosebleed, Lee goes to sit down on the couch.
Neji rolls his eyes. "Come on, Lee. Be a man." Shaking his head, Neji makes his way over to the computer and reads, "It is at that moment that Ino has a…she…she…oh my." Neji's eyes bulge and blood drips from his nose. "I can' t believe Hinata-sama wrote that smut," he whispers as he sits back down again.
"For the love of— Here, let me read," Tenten bellows. She hops onto the computer chair and reads, "It is at that moment that Ino has an orgasm. Oh for crying out loud," Tenten mutters, turning from the computer to glare at her friends, "you couldn't say orgasm?"
"They couldn't say that Ino had an orgasm; the prospect is too terrifying for words," Sasuke smirks.
"That's it!" Ino shrieks. "Body transfer jutsu!"
"Pcheeeeeeeew!" Tenten calls, just for extra effect.
"Holy crap!" Neji shouts, his Byakugan activated, "Did Ino just switch places with Sasuke? Oh no she didn't!"
"Oh yes she did," Sakura says.
"This fic just got so meta," Shino buzzes.
"Ha, ha!" Ino calls from Sasuke's body. "Sasuke-kun, you are now, officially, having a period. Suck my dick—er, I mean, suck your dick! Oh dear...that sounds wrong."
"It was wrong," mutters Neji.
"But technically speaking, she is correct," buzzes Shino. "Why? Because she now possesses Sasuke's penis."
"Ooooh," moans Sasuke, wilting to the floor in Ino's body. "No one knows my pain. Your ovaries are trying to hijack their way out of my your body with machine guns."
"Can we just fucking finish reading this fic?" Kiba complains. "Tenten?"
Tenten smiles a blinding white smile. "Ahem. Let's see: Ino has an orgasm, and then her body transfer jutsu goes haywire, and everyone switches bodies with everyone else until it is mind-numbingly confusing about who is who, and then everyone has a giant orgy. The end."
There is a moment of silence.
"Wait…what?" Neji mutters.
"Well, I paraphrased some, but in essence, that's the fic. Listen," Tenten says in what she hopes is a calm and collected voice, "I don't know what the big deal is about this fic. Have read real fanfics about us? I mean, there is some raunchy shit on fanfic dot net. This pales in—oh. Oh geez, Sakura and Ino—are you making out? Using Sasuke's body as your new happy-lesbian-fun-time-no-jutsu play toy? Oh gods—that's actually really hot!"
Indeed, Ino—yep, you guessed it, who still inside of Sasuke's body—is currently taking off Sakura's shirt and has her (his?) tongue shoved down Sakura's throat. Sakura seems to be enjoying it. Kiba is passed out with a nosebleed, and so is Akamaru, for that matter.
Sasuke, on the other hand, is clutching his (her?) abdomen and is red in the face. "Ino! Get off of Sakura! Ino! Haven't you been paying attention! If you have an orgasm while you're making out with Sakura, then—"
But it is too late.
"Pcheeeeeeew?" Tenten cries as the room spins, and Ino's psychic jutsu fizzles and crackles out of control as she has a semi-yuri orgasm.
"Crap," says Shino, "I have…tits."
"Crap! I'm covered in bugs!" shouts Tenten.
"We've just switched bodies," Tenten and Shino both mutter.
"Shino… These bugs are kind of icky. How do you even live like this?" Tenten whispers.
"By being a reclusive, pensive, and violent mother fucker," Shino counters. "Want to make out?"
Tenten blinks. "Okay."
Meanwhile, Choji and Shikamaru realize that they, too, have switched bodies.
"Wow, Shikamaru, you have really spiky hair. I mean…I guess I have really spiky hair," Choji says. "Can you please pass the potato chips?"
"Choji, I find your body—namely, the one I am inhabiting—to be very sexy. Also, I think it would be entertaining and educational to make out with you while you are in my body. Are you game?"
Choji considers, briefly. "Sure. But I'll need some more sake…"
Kiba and Akamaru are just recovering from their epic nosebleeds. However, as the come to and see all the various and sundry nin making out, they do not have time to realize that they, too, have swapped bodies before they spurt more blood out of their noses and pass out once again from epic pervy-ness.
"Neji," Lee asks, stuck inside of Neji's body, "I didn't realize that you were a boxers man. I'm a fan of tighty whities myself."
"I know," Neji mutters darkly from Lee's body.
"You want to make out?"
"Aw, hells no."
"Come on, Neji, it would be most youthful."
"Dear gods, Lee, unhand me! I do not want to make out with you while you are inside of my body!"
Lee scratches his (Neji's) head. "Does that mean you'd make out with me once we are in our own bodies?"
Neji's face (which is really Lee's face) pales. "No. Touch me, and I'll chop off your balls." Neji holds a kunia perilously close to his (Lee's) manhood.
Lee's eyes widen. "I didn't know you were into S&M. Do you want 'youthful' to be our safe word, or do you want 'Gai sensei' to be our safe word?"
Neji hits himself in his (Lee's?) face. "For the love of— Lee, I don't want to make out with you, and even if I did, I wouldn't be into S&M with you; and even if I was into S&M, I wouldn't want our fucking safe word to be Gai sensei!"
Lee's (Neji's?) face clouds over. "So…that means Gai sensei is our safe word?"
"Oh." Lee pauses a moment. "I guess youthful is our password."
Neji cannot respond; he simply melts into a little puddle of hapless Hyuga (in Rock Lee form).
Lee shrugs. "Hey, Sakura, Ino? Are you guys down for a threesome?"
Neji springs back to life. "Not in my body, you man slut!"
"And, cut!" calls a booming voice. Everyone pauses in their smutty activity to look towards the computer monitor. Hinata is grinning like the Cheshire cat, and Naruto looks like he is about to have an apoplectic fit from laughing too hard.
"Hinata?" everyone shouts at once.
"The one and only," she replies. "I have some good news and some bad news."
"What?" everyone cries all together.
"The good news is that I never published that fictitious blog."
"You didn't?" everyone choruses. "What a relief!"
"What's the bad news?" Sasuke cries, still curled in a fetal position on the floor in Ino's body.
"The bad news is that I was using the web cam to video tape you this whole time! Naruto and I are going to post your wild orgy on our YouTube channel. We're going to make millions, millions I say!"
"Millions, datte-fucking-bayo," Naruto echoes.
There is a dramatic pause.
"What!" everyone exclaims together. "This was all just an elaborate set-up?"
Hinata nods from the computer monitor. "That's right! Even if you destroy the camera right now, it won't do you any good; I've already uploaded the footage to my laptop. So, what are you going to do about it?"
Ino and Sakura look at the monitor, then at each other. They start to make out again.
"For the love of Kami!" Sasuke cries, "stop using my body as your sex toy!"
"For the love of Kami," Hinata shouts, "please continue to use Sasuke's body as your sex toy!"
"This is crap!" Sasuke calls. "I'm busting out of here!" He tries to activate his Sharingan, but he can't as he is stuck in Ino's body. Wait. He's stuck in Ino's body! Using every ounce of strength, he performs a series of hand-signs and calls, "BODY TRANSFER JUTSU!"
"Pcheeeeeeeew!" Tenten (stuck in Shino's body) shouts in between sucking face with Shino (who is stuck in her own body).
The room spins and lurches and sparkles with pink fairy pixie dust.
"Oh rats," Ino mutters, "I'm back in my own body."
"Whore!" Sasuke shouts at Sakura, "get your tits out of my face!"
Sakura backhands Sasuke with her monstrous strength; Sasuke passes out in a pool of blood.
"I think we're all back in our own bodies," Tenten calls, looking down at her decidedly bug-free body.
"Thank Kami," Neji mutters.
"Ah—Neji?" Lee whispers, "Do you still think that we—"
Lee cannot complete his sentence; Neji punches him in the face.
"Well," calls Hinata's disembodied voice from the computer monitor, "I suppose this insane, overly meta, pornographic body-swap fic has gone on long enough. Naruto, press the button!"
"Aye aye, captain!" Naruto shouts as he presses the big red shiny button. The prison bars retract into the walls of Hinata's bedroom: the ninja are free to go.
"Hey Ino," Sakura calls, "you want to…I don't know…head over to my place?"
"Sure, Billboard. But—let's bring that with us," she says, pointing to Sasuke's passed-out form on the carpet.
"Oh yes—let's," Sakura agrees.
After all the ninja have filed out of Hinata's bedroom (even the unconscious Rock Lee, who is carried out by Neji), Hinata's image flickers on the computer screen as she turns to Naruto. "Hey babe, should we tell everyone that we installed cameras in all their bedrooms?"
"Naw. They'll find out about that after we post their sex tapes to our adult film website."
"How long do you think it will take Lee and Neji to make out?"
Naruto scratches his forehead, then consults his laptop behind him. "Babe?"
"They're already making out."
Hinata beams at that. "Oh boy. We're going to be rich."
"Datte-fucking-bayo babe," Naruto replies, "datte-fucking-fucking-fucking-bayo." He kisses her, and then the webcam goes dead, leaving the monitor to glow an unholy blue in Hinata's now empty bedroom.
Of the crackiest crack ever cracked.
Reviews will be toasted and slathered with butter before eaten. *nom nom* Please review:) No seriously, please review, I'm hungry... *stomach gurgles*