For full effect of the story, listen to Honeytheif by Halou while reading :)
They say that psychological damage is much worse than physical damage. Of course I knew this to be true, but I never expected to experience the effects first hand. Being an informant, my mind is very powerful. It's the best part of me. It's what makes me superior to everyone else. My intelligence exceeds the vast majority of humanity. I play mind games, they aren't played on me.
At least, that's what I thought until that day…
The day I was kidnapped was just the start of a mental scar that now possesses my life.
In no way am I a weak person. I think more than a few people would agree to that.
However, 16 days kept in total darkness would start to take a toll on anyone's psyche. The only human contact I had at that time was my body being sexually and physically abused by my captors. They left me in that cold, dark, room naked and battered. After the first 3 days, I lost track of the amount of time I was kept in that place…it was only when I was finally rescued that I found out they had me for 16 days.
That's all it took to make the great Izaya Orihara fall to his knees. 16 seems like a rather small number, but at the time I felt like I was trapped in there for years. Every moan, every touch, all the tears that were shed…
All of made me feel disgusting.
When I was first discovered, my blind folded eyes would not let me see what was going on. I heard a lot of voices, most of them happy since they finally completed their mission of finding me. Some of them were neutral, some, meaning my captors, where filled with pain.
than there was one, one I knew all too well, that was filled with worry and sadness.
I tried to hide my body, to hide my shame, from all the eyes that were looking down on me, but my bound hands limited me from doing such a thing. I felt a hand slowly touch my own. I flinched at the gentle touch, too traumatized from the brutal and vicious touches I received to want to be touched at all. The hand didn't move though. It just lingered on my own, gently.
"Flea…" I heard the worried voice call out, barely above a whisper.
And that's when I lost it.
I knew I was safe, but once I heard the voice of the man that I was praying to come and save me for so long, I couldn't keep in my emotions any longer. All walls went down at that moment.
The moment he saved me.
I spent the next 3 days in the hospital. It was pure torture to me. They all wanted to touch me, probe me, and ask me what happened. I wasn't comfortable with any of those things happening at that time. I would hide in my blanket and pretend to sleep when visitors came just to avoid any type of interaction. I didn't want anyone to see me. I didn't want them to see the Izaya Orihara in such a fragile state. I knew what they thought when they came in here: 'How could the great Izaya Orihara have been taken for such a fool?' The answer to the question is simple. I am a fool. A coward hiding under an ego bigger than the moon.
After my release from the hospital, I was put through psychiatric treatment. That ended up being a real joke. They tried to help me, tried to convince me that it wasn't my fault when we both knew it was. I sat through session after session of them essentially repeating the same thing to me before I decided to stop the treatment. It wasn't working, so why should I bother? It was wasting my time as well as theirs.
It was only a few days later that I made my first suicide attempt. The plan was simple, just take a few too many sleeping pills and proceed to take a bath. It was so easy, it was almost fool proof. Almost. However, the plan didn't quite go as planned because Shizuo decided to pay me a surprise visit. He quickly found me, naked and motionless body laying limp in the overflowing bathtub. He quickly rushed me to the hospital. I was put on suicide watch for a month after that, but that didn't stop me from attempting another time…and another after that. Each time, my blonde haired lover would catch me right before I slipped into my much deserved death. Each time I woke up in the hospital, expecting him to scold me for being so selfish…but every time he would lean forward, brush my hair behind my ears and say "Welcome back to the world Izaya." In a soft, caring, and scared tone.
It broke my heart every time.
Shortly after my 3rd suicide attempt, my blonde boyfriend decided that it would be best that we moved in together. I hated the idea at first, telling him that I didn't need his pity and that he didn't need to take care of me, that I was fine. But he saw right through my lie and told me that he just wanted to be closer to me. His mocha eyes looked into my mine and I could easily read the fright that he might lose me.
Sex was non-existent for the first few months after my kidnapping. It took months of work for me to allow myself to be touched by him again. It started out with him simply touching my hand with his forefinger. It went from there to him caressing my face, then holding my hand, and finally I let myself be held by him once again. When my body stopped shaking underneath his strong arms, he was overjoyed with happiness. He pulled me into his arms and held me securely, while putting his face into my hair to breathe in the familiar scent that he craved for months.
"I missed you so much…" He said to me through a hoarse voice. I opened my mouth to inform him that I never went anywhere, I was still here, but knew that I was going to be lying if I said that. The Izaya I was at that time was someone foreign. Not even I recognized who that person was.
The night I allowed myself to get intimate again with Shizuo, I broke down. It came out of nowhere. Once he had me unclothed and started to push himself into me, my heart started racing and tears started to follow down my face. Every moment of torture that I went through those 16 days played through my mind like a vivid movie. A broken record that would repeat the events over and over in my mind. Once Shizuo saw the tears running down my face, he stopped pushing himself any further into me.
"Izaya…" He said softly as he leaned forward and claimed my lips in a passionate kiss. He rubbed circles on my hip in an attempt to comfort me.
"It's okay Izaya, it's just me…" His voice was gentle. I heard the pain in his voice once again. He was worried about me, but I wasn't going to let him worry about me anymore. He started to pull himself out but I pushed my hips up, forcing him to go completely inside of me. Both of us moaned when I did that.
We both needed this.
And he, like myself, wasn't going to be holding back anymore.
Once fully inside me, he stopped, waiting for any type of sign to not go any further. It really wasn't right for me to stop him. It was painful for him to be so aroused with no sense of relief. Why should I hurt him when he did nothing but made me feel safe again? Once he found no resist, he pulled himself out and slammed himself back into me. I moaned at the pleasant sensation. I heard him smirk as he pulled out once again and started aiming for that spot that made me see stars.
He took me for the first time since the kidnapping that night. After being taken in such a rough and disgusting manor by my kidnapper over and over again, I forgot how enjoyable sex really was.
I also forgot how much I loved Shizuo.
It's been a year now since the incident. I am never going to be the same person I was ever again, I accepted that. Even now, I have a hard time trusting people, I flinch at touches every once in awhile, wake up in the middle of the night crying at the much too real dreams...The list goes on. But Shizuo was always there, and that made things okay.
I stand at my much too wide window and look down on all the people scurrying around on the streets of Shinjuku. I had a cup of black coffee in my hand and a long sleeve black shirt. I sip some of the bitter coffee, with my eyes glued on the ignorant people down below. I heard my cell phone start to ring and walk over to it on the coffee table.
"Hello?" I say into the phone, not even bothering to check who was calling me. I silently prayed to whatever gods were listening that it wasn't a client.
"Hey…" A soft voice replied.
"Shizu-chan…" I say with a slight smile as I put the coffee mug down and sit on the leather couch. "Aren't you suppose to be working?" I say in a joking manor.
"Yeah but I had to tell you something, and I couldn't wait…" He explains.
"And what is that?" I ask.
"…I love you…" I stop for a moment, taking in the words that my lover spoke before I start to smile.
Oh Shizu-chan, you never cease to surprise me with just how lucky I am.
This was inspired by a Shizaya AMV Izaya/Shizuo -How Lucky I am, the song is Honeytheif by Halou. The editor is extremely nice and absolutely amazing
so go check her out! ^^
I needed a breather from all the two stories I have been writing almost everyday ^^; I will update them soon :) PLEASE REVIEW!