Alrighty, guys, here's the little three chapter fic I promised. This is chapter one, it's a little fast, but, I thought it work best that way. So, please don't bug me about that... Anyway, enjoy.
"Allen, I want you to check on Kanda. He hasn't been himself lately. He's less social that he was before, and he's only reduced himself to eating once a day, in the evening. So, I want you to discover what's wrong, what's bugging him… All of it. Okay?" Komui insisted, sighing. Even I could tell he wasn't himself. That scared me. Was what's going on with Kanda really affecting Komui?
"Okay, I'll go see him." I agreed, smiling with my own mask that no one saw through, thankfully. Once, I was scared Kanda had seen what I hid, but, now that he's hidden away, I don't think he cares anymore. That scares me a lot.
I left Komui's office, and quickly walked to Kanda's room. I was scared; his door was more abused than normal. I could see little slits from where Mugen had fully penetrated the thick wooden slab separating Kanda's room from the hall.
But, swallowing my fear, I raised my hand, and knocked on his door. The grunt that came from within was quiet. It scared me. Usually I was met with a flurry of curses. Not a quiet grunt and nothing more.
The door clicked open quietly, and there stood Kanda in the open door. His appearance was worrisome. His usual high ponytail now nestled messily at the nape of his neck, his white dress shirt he wore around when he didn't have a mission was unbuttoned, showing the black muscle shirt underneath, which also revealed that mysterious tattoo a little.
I looked up into his face and gasped quietly, barely hiding it from his senses. Dark circles had found their homes under his eyes. But, that wasn't the worst… The worst were his eyes. Those usually bright, dark cobalt orbs were dull, lifeless. What had made him like this? And, why wasn't he snapping at me for being within five feet of him?
"Allen… What are you doing here?" he asked, his voice low, hoarse, like it had been unused for a few days.
I nearly jumped at the deep, baritone cut into my body like a knife. I was expecting a yell, and a silly pet name he'd given me. But, instead, his tone was calm, menial. And, no pet name. My first name, instead.
"Kanda? What's happened to you? What's gotten you like this?" I asked, my own tenor ringing clear as day.
He sighed, and grabbed my arm. Not forcefully, but, gently. Like he was about to hug me. He pulled me into his room and closed the door.
"Allen… I… Want you to sit. This might come as a shock." His speech was broken, paused, like he was scared to admit something. He must've been thinking hard about this to actually say something shocking to me.
I sat in the one chair in his small room, and he sat on the twin bed across from me, the pinks and purples of his window casting him in a world of color.
He looked at me, his eyes soft, not hard like they normally were. That was the final shock. Nothing could make this worse.
"Allen… I… Am at my life's limits. I'm weakened severely. My body isn't what it was even last week. That last mission… It really took its toll on me. The final toll. Being killed and regenerated as many times as I did in that mission. I have nothing left." He paused, composing himself before continuing. "Central knows I'm dying. They've agreed amongst themselves… That I am to be terminated. I will no longer be an Exorcist. I will no longer walk this Earth. I will die. For the final time."
The last sentence finally hit home, and everything he was saying sunk in at once. Kanda… Was dying? He was going to die?
"They can't do that! They can't kill a human! It's wrong! It's… Murder! It disgraces everything The Order stands for!" I shouted, and he just chuckled.
"Human? Disgrace? The Order disgraced what they stood for when they created me! I'm not human, Allen! Don't you see? This tattoo is the seal to my powers! It's what has helped me regenerate! Without this, I would've died on our first mission in Mater!" he shouted.
I was shocked silent. Kanda… Was a creation of the Order? An experiment? Not the human I had taken him for? "Kanda… What did the Order do to you?" I asked quietly.
Kanda smirked and looked away, and somehow, that irked me the most. "The Order… I died an Exorcist… Almost forty years ago. I died on the battlefield. I thought that was the end. But no. The Order takes my brain, and for thirty years, experiments to see if they can transfer the accommodation rate to another body. Thirty years I experienced death, again and again. Then. They finally got it right. With this body. This body was a winner. Nine years in a womb pool, and almost a year with Innocence accommodation. Then, things went south. I was hallucinating. I was seeing things that weren't there. Things got so bad; they had to put me down. Again, I experienced the pain and quiet of death. But, my Innocence wouldn't let me die again. It kept me alive. My Innocence, and my desire to see her. The woman I still see to this day. Her and the lotuses. I came back, to see my Mugen's raw state. It got me out of my bonds. I was free. I ran and ran. I found Marie… You know him. They were going to turn him into a Second Exorcist like I was. I saved him. I found my… Friend. Alma. He had slaughtered all of the scientists. They were dead. I had to kill him, to save myself. I did." he finished his story on a quiet note.
My head was spinning. Second Exorcist? Death? Experiments? It all was too much.
"Kanda… They did horrible things, but, you are still human. Your body may not be, but you are. You mind is. It is human. It is a mind that has tasted Death too many times to count. It's a scarred mind. They can't kill you. You have the right to die when your time comes, not when they feel."
Kanda sighed. "That time is soon. The ceremony to euthanize me… Occurs in three days." he said softly.
I gasped. Three days? That was much too short! I could tell Kanda was weak, but, he deserved the full amount his life offered him, not a time limit to live who knew how many days or weeks he still had?
Kanda sighed. "Now, please, leave me… I… Want to be alone, Allen. I won't be able to once I'm gone. Alma will be there to bug me." he said with a faint smile on his lips.
I nodded and stood. "Kanda… I'm sorry. I wish I could help." I said softly as I exited his room. As I closed that door behind me. That abused and battered door, I realized, it was just like Kanda. Abused, broken, and in need of help. I wanted to be that help.
I also realized something as that door shrank behind me as I ambled through the halls, getting lost like my sense of direction was used to doing. I was in love with him. I was in love with him, and he was at the end of his life. Why did I choose now to develop these feelings? Even though they had been stewing inside of me for months. And I knew it. I had to do something.
Yeah... Who hates me? I went there. I figured, since Kanda's dying anyway, and there's nothing Allen can do, he'll just tell the truth for once. So, like? Hate? Burn in hell? Eh, whatever.