This is a one-shot fic set sometime in the later bit of Season 5. Castiel has truly fallen from Grace and Dean blames himself. Realizations are made and past mistakes are forgiven. I do not own Supernatural or the characters, but if I did I would make it something like this :)
Dean pulled into the parking lot of the motel the brothers were currently staying in. They just finished up a haunting case and needed some shut eye before heading back to Bobby's. After all, Dean was the one driving, and a man can only go so many hours before he needs to drop it and sleep for a few hours. Unlocking the door and opening it slowly, more out of habit than anything, the boys each let out a sigh, shoulders dropping into a relaxed state. Castiel was still lying on Dean's bed, fast asleep. He had been like that when they'd left early that afternoon. It was now almost midnight.
"It's weird…seeing him like that." Sam whispered as they entered the room, not wanting to wake the former angel.
'Yeah tell me about it." Dean said back to his brother as he headed to the kitchen, not bothering to try and be quiet. Cas had pretty much slept most of every day over the past month or so. Now that he could sleep, he was a sound sleeper and Dean was convinced the man would sleep through an earthquake without so much as flinching. A man. It was weird to think of Castiel that way. But he was now. The once powerful and radiant angel had fallen and become human, his grace lost, just like Anna.
Dean grabbed a beer out of the hotel room's small fridge and closed the door, harder than he meant to. Sam heard the bottles inside clink together as the fridge door slammed shut and turned to look at his brother, a sympathetic look on his face. Dean wasn't even looking in Sam's direction. He looked at Castiel's body lying on his bed, his only movement was his chest as it rose and fell with his rhythmic breathing. Sam knew Dean well enough to know when he was thinking of doing something stupid. It usually happened with a beer in his hand and grief in his heart.
Sam knew Dean blamed himself for Castiel's fall from Heaven and as much as Sam tried to force reason into his head, Dean wouldn't listen. It was he who had asked Castiel to help him stop the apocalypse and go against the orders of his superiors. It was for Dean that Castiel went against Zachariah and Raphael and Michael. Castiel had become hunted because he rebelled. Rebelled for Dean. And now he was fallen. Just like Anna had become. Graceless. Even his normally bright eyes were dull, almost lifeless. Dean would go back to Hell if it meant Castiel got his Grace back, but that would never happen. No Demon could swing that, and if they could, they would never do it. Not for Dean Winchester. Not for an Angel. Castiel was screwed, damned to live a human existence and it was because of Dean.
"No matter what you say you know it's not your fault."
Sam's voice was soft, soothing almost. Damnit! He wasn't supposed to be the one comforting Dean. Dean was supposed to comfort Sam. Sam was the younger brother not him.
"That's bullshit, Sam and you know it." Dean's voice was low and hard, his grief and self-hatred seeping out of him and right towards Sam.
Sam wasn't going to press the point anymore that night. Dean was already pissed off at the situation. He was flirting with alcoholism and Sam was getting tired of picking Dean off of hotel floors because he refused to sleep beside Castiel when he got around to passing out from either exhaustion or simply drinking too much. Sam sighed, defeated for another night.
"You know what, fine! You want to blame yourself for Castiel's decisions then go ahead, but don't do it around me, Dean. I'm getting really sick of this 'feeling sorry for myself' attitude you've got and I'm sure Cas is too. Just talk to the guy instead of watching him sleep and maybe you wouldn't feel so bad." And with that the younger Winchester was out the door, leaving Dean alone in the room with Castiel, who was waking up for the first time since they had gotten to the hotel.
"Dean…what did you do to Sam?"
Dean just shook his head and took another beer out of the fridge, and tossed one to Cas too.
"Nothing it's just- it's nothing. He's being him and I'm being, well, you know how I am." Dean said as he sat at the edge of Sam's bed opposite from Cas.
Castiel knew how Dean was feeling. He knew that Dean was drinking himself into liver poisoning every night. Knew that he blamed himself for all that was happening to Cas. But for the life of him, Cas didn't know how to tell Dean that it wasn't the hunter's fault, especially in a way that Dean would believe. As Cas sat up in the bed the sheets fell off to reveal his naked chest. A shiver coursed through Castiel as the cool air of the room hit his bare skin.
"Did you just shiver?" Dean asked, almost smiling. It was kind of cute. He was like a baby just discovering the world. No. What was he thinking? Castiel wasn't cute. He was an angel, well former angel, and a grown man. Dean shouldn't be thinking anything along the lines of cute.
"I-I think so. Do humans normally shiver in cold air? And why am I always hungry? I don't like this feeling." Dean let out a slight laugh. Yeah, man or not, Cas was cute. And damn, Cas' bedhead mess of hair was almost sexy. Sexy? Did he actually just think that?
"Yeah Cas they do shiver. And you're-", Dean paused, swallowing the lump in his throat. "You're not an angel anymore so you have to eat, at least two times a day. You get used to it." Dean was already making his way to the fridge again.
"Dean you shouldn't drink so much. You could-", Cas stopped when Dean turned around, and smiled at the hunter. He wasn't getting another beer. Instead Dean placed a pie down on the bedside table and handed Castiel a fork.
The hunter laid back against the headboard as Cas ate what he could of the pie, which was almost all of it, reflecting on his past with the former angel in the bed next to his. When exactly did Dean began to feel close to him? Hell if he knew. And now he was suddenly think of Castiel cute and sexy. What was that about? Castiel was an angel, or at least he used to be. He wasn't cute or sexy or anything. Just an angel. His angel. His angel? When did that happen? Dean was lost in thought when Castiel rough voice broke into his thoughts.
"What are you thinking about Dean?"
"Huh, what? No, nothing." He lied.
"You make that pouty face when you're thinking about something. What is it?"
"Cas it's nothing. It's just-nothing."
"What?" Dean threw the beer bottle he was holding across the room, smashing it against the far wall, spraying what little of its contents were left across the wall. The sudden outburst made Castiel jump in surprise. But he was even more surprised when Dean turned back to look at him. There wasn't one hint of anger on his face. Instead Castiel found a sadness like nothing he'd ever seen in the hunter. His hunter. Dean's eyes filled to the brim with tears, one blink sent them trailing down his face, and they didn't stop. It was painful to see Dean this way. This strong man so broken. So faithless.
"Dean…" Castiel's voice was soft, low, overflowing with concern for the man.
"Cas-", he choked through the tears. "Cas I'm sorry. I am so sorry. For this. For everything that you've ever had to do because of me. You fell because of all the shit I've done, and that's-"Dean couldn't speak anymore. He tried but no more words would form on his tongue. Instead he just sat there, tears streaming from his eyes onto his lap. His hand hung lifeless over the edge of the bed.
There was nothing Castiel could say. Not after that. He wanted to hit Dean. To hit him and tell him to stop being such a dumbass. To tell him that nothing he did made Castiel fall. He wanted to tell him that everything he did, he did of his own choosing. That if he was given the chance to do it over he would not do it differently. But he couldn't. Dean wouldn't believe him no matter what he said. Instead he got up and moved to the other side of the bed Dean was on and sat down beside him.
Dean looked up at Cas with bleary eyes, green meeting blue, in a confused manner. Castiel's eyes had tears in them as well, one managed to escape and trailed down his face.
"Sorry. I know, Dean. And I know you won't believe me, but I did what I did because I wanted to, not because it was what you wanted. And if I could do it all over again, I'd pick the same path. I'd fall a dozen times for you. But you have to stop blaming yourself…or I will kick your ass."
Cas laid a hand gently on the side of Dean's face, wiping the tears from his cheeks with him thumb. Dean laughed slightly at that last bit and blinked away the last of his tears.
"Yeah I'd like to see you try." He joked as he wiped Cas' single tear trail away with his own thumb.
"And if you are still set on blaming yourself, then I want you to know that I forgive you. For whatever it is you think you did, I forgive you for it."
Dean's eyes lit up the second Cas finished his sentence. And in that moment, the few seconds it took Castiel to say three words, it was like a weight was lifted off of the hunter's shoulders. This fallen angel, his fallen angel, had forgiven him when he couldn't forgive himself, and it was the best feeling in the world.
Seeing Dean's eye alive again made Castiel's deep azure eyes light up as well. In all the time he'd known Dean Winchester, it was no longer his Grace that had kept him together. It wasn't his Grace that gave light to this vessel's eyes. It was Dean, and the strength and bravery that he radiated.
And then, Cas did something nether men ever thought he would. He placed his hand under the sleeve of Dean's shirt to rest upon the handprint there. His handprint. Dean looked down to where Castiel's hand was in confusion. By the time Dean looked back up to meet those radiant blue eyes, Castiel was closing the gap between them, placing his lips to Dean's, gently yet full of passion. It was quick, innocent, and caught Dean completely off guard. For a few seconds the two just stared at each other, getting lost in the other's eyes. That kiss had only been mere seconds long, but it was everything Dean never knew he wanted. Within a moment's notice, Dean's hand was at the back of Castiel's neck, pulling the man in for another kiss.
Castiel's hands moved to cup Dean's face as their kiss heated and filled with a desire. Castiel's lips parted, allowing Dean entrance, and for that moment, nothing else in their world mattered. Dean had his angel back, and grace or not, Cas would always be Dean's guardian.
Moments passed before Dean finally broke the embrace. As he pulled away a smile like one he hadn't sported in many years spread across his face. Cas followed suite, the happiness of their smiles bring light to both their eyes again. The hunter put a hand to Castiel's face one last time before getting up and hoping over to the other bed, leaving room for Castiel to lay there beside him. After all that was the bed that was supposed to be his anyways.
"What about when Sam-"
"Forget it. Sam will probably be relieved I'm sleeping in an actual bed again." Dean said, knowing his brother wouldn't mind the new turn of events.
Cas smiled and made his way over to Dean's bed, closing the gap between their bodies. He wasn't tired anymore, having slept pretty much all day, but Dean on the other hand was almost ready to pass out. The hunter put his head on Castiel's chest and wrapped his arm around his torso, snuggling in as close to his side as humanly possible. Cas was warm, comforting, and the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest put Dean to sleep almost immediately.
Castiel wrapped his arms around the hunter, bringing him in even closer. He was absently running a hand through Dean's hair when Sam walked in carrying a back of Chinese take-out. Sam was about to question the picture before him when Cas raised a finger to his lips, hushing him. Sam could only smile as he nodded and sat on his bed to eat, making sure to leave enough for Dean for the next day. He looked over at Castiel, down to his brother's sleeping form then back up to the former angel. Cas only shrugged, a pleased smile on his lips as he continued to run his fingers through Dean's hair. Sam smiled again, stifling a laugh at how easy it was for Cas to get Dean to sleep, then finished eating before turning out the light on the table that separated the two beds.
Sam was out cold almost instantly. Cas could tell because he was snoring faintly. Castiel bent his head forward, placing a small kiss on Dean's head.
"And goodnight to you, Dean Winchester."
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