A/N: A post season five finale that is just a jumble of things that needed to be said. No real objectives. Just people.
Summary: "You're in my blood," she whispered. "There's an undeniable force between us. So I won't deny it anymore.""You're in my DNA."
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me. Characters are all Gossip Girl. No beta so mistakes are all mine.
The world had finally stopped spinning.
He wanted to blame her, curse her, rip her to pieces, but the truth was, it wasn't her fault. She was just as naked and just as shaken as he was. On the most fundamental level, they were still the same.
"I'm only myself when you're inside of me."
The world had finally stopped spinning, but that didn't mean that he was the same. He sat up abruptly in bed, looking over at her.
Immediately, he realized it was a mistake. Her long dark tresses were spread across the pillow as she gazed at him what he could only identify as unadulterated love. It was untainted and pure as though the last five years hadn't occurred.
The sheet was wrapped tightly around her but she just gazed up at him, sweat glistening on her brow as though none of this was complicated.
And he knew that she spoke the truth.
As much as he wanted to push her affection away, he wasn't eighteen any longer. He didn't push away love. It was her he wanted to push away because ironically, he was afraid that she would hurt him again.
He cursed his weakness. Looking at her made all the hurt go away. Looking at her made him accept the love he had for her. It was love that would never cease and love that filled them both to the brim with something that they had both been searching for.
But he couldn't think of that.
He couldn't think of being inside of her like he had been moments ago. He couldn't think of that complete euphoria. He couldn't think of home. How they ground together with such perfection and called out their love howl in completed passion. He couldn't think of what she was thinking of because it made the love wash over him and made him want to lose himself in her again.
That had to be wrong.
How their bodies fit together as though they were made for each other had to be wrong.
He couldn't let this happen. Even though they were covered in each others essence, he couldn't accept this. He wasn't done yet. He wasn't done with becoming his own person.
But suddenly that didn't seem as important as what was right here. Suddenly, all he could think of was how she was accepting him with all her might. She accepted him the way no one else ever had or ever could and it didn't matter to her what he did or didn't accomplish.
She loved him.
"This was a mistake."
He was sure that he wasn't trying to hurt her. He didn't do that anymore. The old him would have wanted to punish her for everything that had happened in the past year. But he just didn't.
He still said it.
Instead of the heartbreak he was expecting, her expression didn't change at all from his words. They weren't harsh or matter-of-fact. They were just words.
Everything they exchanged were just words. And for the first time, she didn't let them get in the way of them.
He actually believed her.
She had told him that she wasn't giving up on him again. He hated how he believed her.
"Don't you ever say that to me again," she said clearly. She wasn't angry or hurt.
He didn't think it was helpful to love her more.
But nothing was really stopping that.
"This isn't the way," he said.
"Why?" she asked.
She was curious but he wasn't sure if she was anything else. She actually wanted to know without any further agenda.
"You know why." He couldn't explain himself. There was still too much between them.
"We don't have to have rules anymore," she told him. "No more deals or empty promises."
"This one wasn't like that."
"I'll still wait for you," she decided. "Even now. I'm waiting for you."
"I don't need that."
"I'm not trying to pressure you. It's just the truth."
He felt the familiar surge of self-hatred overwhelm him. It was the same voice that told him that he didn't deserve her and that she was too good for him, even though it defied all logic.
He was quiet, drinking in her face, trying to absorb and decode every facet of her. And despite the fact that she was an open book, she would always be a mystery to him. She would always be clandestine.
"Why did this happen?"
"Because we love each other," she answered simply.
"I need specifics."
"Because I've stopped running away," she said. "And even though we've ripped each other to pieces, we can get back up again. Because we saw each other tonight and stopped pretending."
"What makes tonight different than any other night?" he asked.
She was quiet and he knew that she didn't have the answer. She just looked at him with those eyes and he knew he would never live without them.
"You looked at me tonight like you haven't for the past three months," she said. "Did something change?"
"Let me ask you something," he said in reply. "Have we ever not been good?"
And she knew the answer to his question. She knew that he had known all along.
"Even our first time," he said, "have we ever been anything other than exemplary? Have we ever been anything less than molecularly magnetic? Even just once?"
"Never," she answered.
"Never." It was the first time he smiled.
"Why did you ask me that?" she asked instead of giving him an answer.
"Because nothing changed," he said. "That's why I looked at you tonight. I shouldn't have and I wasn't supposed to, but I wanted to."
She never wavered the entire time she was by his side. It wasn't something he had asked for but it was something she wanted to give. For the first time in a long time, she wanted to be by his side.
And he wanted to be by hers.
"You're in my blood," she whispered. "There's an undeniable force between us. So I won't deny it anymore."
"You're in my DNA."
Now there was nothing between them. All the hormones had been swept form his brain. The insanity she caused in him thrilled him to press against her in a frenzy of heat.
Five years had been wiped away and it was the first night again.
There was nothing between them but erotic curiosity.
And he loved her as much as he loved her that first night.
There was no denying it anymore.
It was just science.