Okay, so, first off, I own nothing. Second, this is in a total AU, so please, no whining about 'this is all out of character'; it's just a cheap bit of fun at Tony Stark's expense. Enjoy!


How had it all began? Tony Stark was often asked this question by his close friends who knew his secret. He knew the honest answer; Obadiah Stane had said in an interview that his company was making some manned mech suit, so Tony had said that his company had already finished theirs.

He'd spent a whole twenty minutes cobbling together components from his lab before putting them together; a lightbulb in the centre of the chest, a pair of machine guns on the arms, flare launchers on the hips, a jetpack on the back and all of it put together in his magnificent suit of armour, made of aluminium foil. Of course, everyone else was so stupid, they thought he was an Iron man.

He didn't like that; he kept trying to correct them with 'Aluminium dude' but they ignored him. He tried everything, even painting his armour red and gold. It just made them think he had rusted.

Of course, none of this was known to the people who knew he was Iron Man. He'd given them some crap about him being kidnapped by a dictator with herpes or something and, after much... torture, he had built his armour to escape. Then, he'd upgraded it, hence the red and gold paint job. Things always got a new paint job when they got upgrades.

Now, he just had to make sure that everyone knew him truly, not just the kids who lived round the corner who he'd saved from countless bullies with the machine guns on his armour. He also had to do something about the smell; the rotting corpses of the bullies were causing his house to start to smell.

"Hey Tony, I came to-" His assistant, Pepper Potts, said as she walked in, before sniffing the air and asking "Tony, what's that smell?"

"Uh, I, uh..." Tony said, glancing around trying to think of something before clocking the CSI boxset by his TV "I hired a hooker, then killed her before she could take the money and need to dispose of the body."

"More bullies?" She said, raising an eyebrow "Tony, they're kids! You can not murder innocent kids!"

"They're not innocent, Pep." He said, grimacing "One of them even pulled a BB gun on me!"

"So you put 50 bullets in his chest, yeah, that's fair." She said, rolling her eyes "I want you to promise me, no more murder. Deal?"

Tony hesitated. He didn't want to give this up; it was too much fun! All the flying... well, falling, around, all the shooting, and then there was the fact that he didn't have to pay hookers anymore!

"No Pep." Tony said, walking over to his desk and pulling on one of the gauntlets from his armour, pointing it at her "I'm sorry, but if you're not with me, you're against me. I can't let you jeopardise the mission."

"Uh, idiot?" She said, smirking "You forgot to take the safety off?"

"No I didn't." He said, flicking the safety switch and pointing the gun up at his chin "Watch, I'll prove it to you."


Tony's body slumped down to the floor. Pepper walked over to it and looked down, sighing. Iron Man was no more. Thank god for that! She stepped over his body as she walked to the drinks cabinet, pulling out a bottle of scotch, opening it and taking a gulp.

It was good to be the boss.


I know, this is pure rubbish. To be honest, I wrote it to be pure rubbish. It's not meant to be good or even make a lot of sense; I just wanted to write Tony as an idiot, hence, the Incompetent Iron Man haha. R&R, please, no flames. B.