Warnings: Shonen-ai, Real real dark and heavy angst (I am not kidding here), OOC, harsh language, death, suicide. This chapter is not for you people who have a are good at picturing things and are faint of heart. Gomen…

Notes: This chapter has been changed and stuff due to a review. When I read the chapter again after seeing that review I had to ask myself what the hell I was thinking *hits herself over the head* Tons of thanks to silvercross for pointing out how illogical it was before. Hope it's better now *S*

What else? Ah of course. Writing in Italic are thoughts or letters and loads of these ~ shows a change in time. It's probably confusing but I've tried to be as clear as possible.

And last but not least… I'm swedish so english is not my first language. No one has read through this fic besides me so the bad spelling and grama will probably torment you. *sighs*

WHEREVER I MIGHT BE

Chapter 6. The End Of The End

Shuichi stared at the never ending sea that they flew over. It had been almost two years since that awful day when he had left Tokyo and he was scared of returning. He had spent five months together with Yuki in LA before they both felt the time was right to go back home. The vocalist rested his chin in his hands and thought about the months that had passed. They had fought, screamed, cried, hugged and made love in an emotinal roller coaster. Never had Shu realized that it would be so hard to rebuild what he had ruined, but they had moved forward. Things weren't the way they used to and they both knew that they probably never would be again. At the thought of his blonde lover Shuichi turned around to look at him. Yuki was half asleep in his seat but immediately felt his lover's eyes on him. Without a word he reached out his hand and the vocalist willingly came up to him and took a seat on his lap.
"Scared?" the blonde asked quietly. Shu nodded and rested his head on his lover's shoulder. "Touma has taken care of everything but are you sure you're up to facing the media and the fans?" The vocalist nodded again. He knew that Yuki was worried about him and his health. The blonde novelist had changed alot since that day when he had found Shuichi in LA. The Eiri who always seemed so confident and cool was gone. Instead the novelist was nervous and unsure a lot of times, especially when it came to his lover. In the past Yuki had never seemed to need to hear how Shu felt for him but now he needed to hear it quite often. Not that the vocalist minded saying those three words but it was disturbing that his actions had changed the blonde so much. A new need of physical contact had also appeared. Yuki had never been one to cuddle or hold others but since he had almost lost his lover twice he had changed. If they were in the same room you could be pretty sure that you'd find the blonde next to the vocalist, usually with his arm protectivly wrapped around his shoulders. And what about Shuichi himself? He had changed too. The genki side was almost completely gone and so was the constant babbling. BadLuck's vocalist had turned into a rather quiet and serious man, only when he was alone with Yuki his face softened and went back to looking much like it used to two years ago.
"Yuki you'll be with me the whole time won't you?" Shuichi suddenly asked with fear and looked up.
"Of course I will. I won't let anybody near you," Eiri answered and wrapped his arms tighter around the slim body pressed against his.
"What did Seguchi-san tell the press?" He already knew but he needed to hear Yuki's voice.
"Touma told them that you had been in a car accident and that that put you in a coma. With a little luck they'll either buy the story or just think you went away to have plastic surgery," the blonde said softly and intwined his fingers with the smaller man's.
"But they do know about me being sick, right?" Eiri nodded.
"Yes Touma has given them your papers from the clinic so they know all about the TB and the stroke. Shuichi you don't have to worry about the limp or your back. It's really not as obvious as you think." The vocalist bit his lip. Yuki had forced him to look at himself naked in the mirror several times. At first he had almost thrown up at the sight of his disgusting body but eventually the blonde won. The scars would never go away and the hump would always be there but Eiri was right, it wasn't that obvious neither was the limp. As a final try to get his old self back Shuichi had changed back to his normal pink haircolor. If you didn't look into his eyes he did look just like he had about five years ago, including the younger face.

The private plane touched ground and Yuki looked at the slender male beside him. He knew it would be hard for Shuichi to face the media and the fans but it would be nothing compared to when he would have to face Hiro again. Touma had made sure the guitarist was at home instead of at the airport so that the two friends could meet in private, not that Hiro had seemed to understand any of what was going on. As the plane stopped the novelist rose from his seat and took his lover's hand in his.
"You ready for this?" he asked softly.
"No but let's do it anyway," Shu mumbled with fear in his big eyes.
"I'll be right beside you the whole time Shuichi. If you feel like you can't handle it just say so and I'll get us out of there, okay?" The vocalist nodded and squeezed the blonde's hand. Before they could get off the plane Touma came in. He looked at his brother-in-law with a worried shadow in his eyes. Eiri supressed the anger and hate he felt for the girl-like blonde and pressed his lover's body close to his.
"Are you two ready?" Seguchi asked quietly.
"We are. I don't want you anywhere near this Touma is that understood!?" Yuki asked harshly and glared at the other man.
"I understand Eiri-san," the president of NG sighed. "Shindou-san are you alright?" Shu nodded slowly and clinged to Yuki.
"Have you taken your medication?"
"Yes Yuki."
"Well we better get this over with then," Eiri sighed and they all left the plane.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ten years later…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It always surprised Eiri when he thought about the past 18 years of his life. Actually it was the last 13 years that really made him think. When he and Shuichi had returned to Tokyo the media has gone completely nuts. They had feasted on the story for a long long time but neither the returning vocalist or Yuki himself had paid it much attention at first. The mission they were facing was more important. Seeing Hiro again for the first time in 2 years had been awful for Shuichi. The auburn haired man had thrown himself around his friend's waist begging any God he could think of to let it be reality and not just another dream. It took Shuichi over an hour to calm him down so that he could explain what he had done and why. Hiro had understood and forgiven even if he had been angry and hurt. But their friendship never got anywhere near being what it once had. The guitarist had always been serious, calm and collected but he had also always been warm and kind, those parts of him seemed to have gone missing. Not that the auburn haired man was mean but he was, just as Yuki had told Shuichi in LA, a shell. Sometimes the vocalist found his friend sitting in a completely dark appartment ripping paper into thin strips while he rocked back and forth. The first time Shuichi had almost panicked, quietly he had asked his friend what he was doing. The auburn haired guitarist had simply answered that each strip represented a tear that he had wanted to shed when he hadn't been able to cry anymore. Shuichi never commented or asked anything about Hiro's state of mind after that. To everybody's surprise the one person that managed to actually talk to Hiro was Yuki. The blonde and the auburn haired man were not alike normally but in the hell Shuichi's death had sent them both to they had been almost identical. To Eiri and Eiri alone Hiro opened up a little. With time the novelist and a shrink managed to get the guitarist to leave his apartment again but the person who used to be Nakano Hiroshi was forever gone and that would torment Shuichi for the rest of his life. Bad Luck recorded two albums with their vocalist's voice a bit hoarser than it had used to. But singing had lost its glory and Shuichi and Hiro were both troubled by preforming live so after the second album the band was dissolved. As for Eiri's and Shuichi's relationship it had survived quite well. It had remained fragile and a little unsure but the love they had for each other held them together in a way that many people didn't find healthy. They were close in a way they had never been before, security was only found when they were physicaly close to each other. Sometimes it almost looked like they were joined at the hip which made quite a few people laugh. But the constant closeness came from fear and was nothing funny at all. Yuki desperatly needed to feel his lover to be sure that he hadn't been taken away again and Shuichi needed it just as desperatly to insure him that his lover still wanted him around, that he wouldn't be pushed away. For someone looking at them from the outside it appeared obvious that the relationship wasn't a happy one but the truth was more complex than that. Happiness can be graded and if the choice stands between being slightly unhappy or devastated the choice is rather obvious. Love is really like a dance on roses, you will step on a torn or two but if the love is strong enough you'll be willing to take the pain. No matter what anyone else thought or said about them the truth was still that in each other the novelst and the former vocalist found what they needed, complete happiness or not.

Yuki walked out to the kitchen. He took a cloth from one of the drawers and went back to the bedroom. With a loving smile on his lips he caressed his lover's cheek before he put the cloth down and picked up a notepad. For the umpteenth time he read what he had written and nodded.
"I think it's perfect now don't you Shu?" he asked. His lover didn't answer but Yuki knew that he agreed. Slowly he placed the pad on the bedside table and again picked up the cloth. With great care he polished already shining metal until he could see himself in the reflection. "Well I think everything is ready now. I've called Touma and he'll be here in about two hours, the note is finished… Have I forgotten anything?" Again no answer. Yuki looked around the dark bedroom and thought. His latest and final book was done and just waited for the publisher to be handed it. It wasn't a romance novel like his others, no this was a book about his and Shuichi's time together. "Ah yes of course I do need to call Hiro," the blonde sighed. "I'll be right back."

Touma pulled his coat tighter around him as he walked towards his brother-in-law's appartment. He had no idea why Yuki had wanted him to come over and it made him feel very nervous. Since that day when Eiri and Shuichi had returned to Japan he hadn't seen neither one of them more than on a handful occasions. Yuki hated him and Touma wasn't surprised even if it hurt. Even after explaining everything to the taller blonde the hate was still there and it had put an end to Eiri's contact with him. With a sigh he entered the building and took the elevator up. The novelist had told him to just come in so when he reached the door he opened it and walked in without ringing the doorbell. The apartment was dark and filled with a sweet nauseating smell. The blonde wrinkled his nose at it and frowned.
"Eiri-san? Shindou-san?" he asked into the darkness but got no reply. Confused and concerned he crossed the livingroom and looked into the bedroom. The smell was awfull in there. With a frown Touma turned on the lights. He would regret that action for the rest of his life. On the bed laid his brother-in-law with Shuichi resting against his chest. The vocalist face was pale and his closed eyes seemed to be staring up at his lover's face. Yuki's head was tilted to the left, resting almost lovingly against Shuichi's hair, and his eyes were closed. Touma leaned against the door and tried not to throw up. The left side of the bed was more or less drenched in blood and what he understood were the contents of his brother-in-law's head. Eiri's right hand held a gun and beside them was a note. Trembling and fighting the nausea Seguchi walked into the room and carefully picked up the piece of paper. The note was written in neat kanji and adressed to him. He read it slowly and made sure he kept his face turned away from the macabre scene on the bed.

Touma,

I'm leaving you this note because I think it's fitting that you should find us. Call it revenge if you want to but I'll never forgive you for lying to me instead of telling me what was going on all those years ago. Last night Shuichi had another stroke, it was the second one this year but unlike the other one it was massive. I always thought it would be the TB that finally stole him from me but I suppose fate works in strange ways, at least I know he didn't suffer. It's funny… K was the one who gave Shuichi this gun but I don't think he ever thought it would be used to kill anyone. It was a stupid thing to do anyway. Shuichi would never use a gun but you and I know that I'm quite handy with weapons. This will be the second and last Yuki I kill. I can't help to think that now the circle is finally complete.

I know most people won't understand why I did this but you know that I can't live without him. It didn't work 13 years ago and I refuse to go through that again. Without Shuichi I have no life and no will to go on. I find myself dreaming sometimes… Dreaming that he would have told me the truth 13 years ago because then we would have had it all. Our love was crippled Touma, much like a bird with clipped wings and I will always blame you for that. I know you think I should blame Shuichi but I can't. He did what he did because he loves me but you what you did because you wanted to take him away from me. That's something I can't forgive or understand. He's the only one that ever made me happy and he's the only one who loved all of me, including my demons. Shuichi gave and gave and gave without ever asking for anything in return and I will always love him for that. I'll follow him anywhere because I'm tied to him, I have been for 18 years and I will stay tied to him forever. I know many people think we should have split up but the truth is that I would never have made it without him and I know all too well that Shuichi would have gone under alone. How do I know this? Because gravitation brought us together and we are lost without each other. Death will not separate us because I won't let it. I will be by Shuichi's side, loving him with all my heart wherever I might be.

On the table in the kitchen you'll find my book and I want you to hand it over to my publisher. You'll also find papers about how Shuichi and I want things now that neither one of us are alive anymore. I expect you to follow every word of it! You owe me that much Touma. I've called Hiro so he knows everything but I really suggest that you send K over there to take care of the poor man. No one understood how hard this was on him and I'm not just talking about right now. We all failed Hiro 13 years ago and we should all be ashamed of that. That man loves Shuichi more than anything and even if he seems emotionally empty now he's still hurting inside. I know what I'm talking about because I was close to becoming what he is now. For some reason none of us considered Hiro all those years ago which really is unforgivable. Make sure he's cared for it's Shuichi's final request so I expect you to honour it. Well time is up Touma, I don't want to keep my lover waiting any longer. It's too lonely here without him.

Uesugi Eiri

Touma shakingly put the paper down and hurried into the bathroom where he threw up. The smell of blood seemed to cling to him and made him vomit even harder. Weak and trembling the blonde left the bathroom and went to the kitchen. Just as Eiri had said in his note there was a bunch of papers lying on the table. The top one was instructions for a funeral. A stone had already been made and Touma winced when he saw the inscription Yuki and Shuichi had picked out. 'What Gravitation Brought Together Death Will Not Break Apart'. The slender blonde shook his head with sorrow and hugged the folder containing Eiri's book. Slowly he flipped the pages over until his eyes saw the dedication. 'To Shuichi whom I will love, wherever I might be.' Touma shuddered and for the first time that he could remember he felt tears caress his cheeks. So it was finally over? Shindou Shuichi and Yuki Eiri were both gone, dead. The only thing left was making sure that they were put to rest beside each other as they had wanted. With a sad sigh Touma picked up the phone to call for help. After 18 years he had finally been forced to pay for all his mistakes and the price was so bitter. Perhaps it was what he deserved but somehow that punishment didn't seem to fit the crime. All the same he would honour their final requests just because Yuki had asked him to. With the image of his brother-in-law's mangled head before his eyes Seguchi Touma started explaining what had happened over the phone.

~Owari~

Normally I love happy ending even though I only write angst. But this story is based on a original story of mine and no matter how much I wanted to give it a suger coated ending I strongly feel that this suited the story better. (If you think this story is angsty and sad you should see the real story that's behind it… Trust me this is nothing. I am one mean bastard.) I know that the last chapter seemed a bit rushed and I'm sorry about that. I might decide to change it later on. And one last thing before I let you go… The strokes that Shuichi suffered from had nothing directly to do with the TB, at least not to my knowledge. I have found no facts that suggests that at least. Oh well I hoped you all liked it and I'd be thrilled if you gave me some constructive criticism on it. Arigatou/Atsureki.