A crack fic as inspired by the thread "Alot of the analysis on this site seems completely out of left field." at In the Rose Garden , which just fills me with creative energy and non-stop laughter. Even though I'm falling really behind on my main SKU fic (who knew the Nemuro Research Era would be so cumbersome to put in words), I had to get this out of my system so my mind can snap back to serious mode and I can continue Seinen. No insult is meant towards the brave soul who is april6e – I'm genuinely thankful to this poster for prompting Frau Evato churn out that awesome post, which provides fertile soil for the weirdness below.
All characters AND ideas belong to someone else. Don't sue :)
(We see Shadow Girls materializing on the wall.)
C-ko: Extra! Extra!
B-ko: What's that?
A-ko: Do you know? Do you know? Do you wonder what she knows?
C-ko: That's right! It's just been brought to our attention that many audiences' views on our show are completely out of left field!
B-ko: Out of left field? What's that?
A-ko: Must be the non-out-of-right-field kinda way of looking at things . . . I guess.
C-ko: Any~way! Let's start with out of left field view #1: that Akio had sex with almost every female/male in the anime.
B-ko: . . . you mean he didn't?
A-ko: Oh, oh, this I can get behind! It is so obvious that Tsuwabuki had remained untouched by the man at least up to his black rose episode, thus why his vigin boy angst.
C-ko: But apparently, there are people who don't see any evidence in the anime that Akio had sex with Touga, Saionji, or many of the females many out-of-left-field fans "wish he did".
B-ko: . . . you mean all those self-induced orgasms I've had watching the last twenty episodes or so were all over nothing?
A-ko: But . . . then what in the world was the bit near the end of episode 25 supposed to be, if not Akio/Touga sexing?
C-ko (producing a film projector with "Non-Out-Of-Left-Field Perspective" written on the device): Roll it!
Episode 25 - Jocks Horsing, Not Bromancing
Touga: That Saionji... and after I went to all this trouble to be his friend.
Akio: Are you enjoying this game? (Non-Out-Of-Left-Field Thought Bubble:See, I told you that below-the-waist wrestling is an easy game for any self-respecting jock to pick up.)
Touga: Of course. (Non-Out-Of_Left-Field Thought Bubble:Man! This is certainly more fun than that platonic naked wrestling thing the Chairman demo-ed for me with his sister. If only Saionji ain't too modesty-plagued to join us . . . )
Akio: Then, it's all right, isn't it? (Non-Out-Of-Left-Field Thought Bubble: No lawsuit please, since the nature of this game is completely jock-like and non-sexual and all.) Be nice to your friend. (Non-Out-Of_Left-Field Thought Bubble:Bring Saionji next time, body modesty go just as badly with boys as swords are with dresses; to think Anthy had wasted all that time trying to disinfect him of prude-germs with their many naked wrestling sessions . . . guess I have to set him straight myself.)
(Eerie silence lasting a full minute.)
A-ko (weakly): Then, the photoshoot with Akio and the boys . . .
B-ko: . . . is really just a duty-bound educator trying to help the student Saionji get over his body modesty issues! (Brawls.) Wah! My poor masturbatory fantasy! Ruined!
A-ko: Wait . . . there was also something scary earlier on about how there's no evidence that Akio had sex with many of the females-
B-ko (screeches): STOP! Womanizing Akio is my only pleasure watching this annoyingly convoluted show! Out of left field or not, no one's taking that away from me!
C-ko (merciless): Roll it!
Episode 15 - Siblings Down Time
Akio: Come here, Anthy.
Akio: Tonight, I'll comfort you, too. (Non-Out-Of_Left-Field Thought Bubble:Big brother knows you like your feet massaged, you little sister, you.)
Anthy: Chu chu. (Non-Out-Of_Left-Field Thought Bubble: Oh my, looking at him without my glasses, big brother really does resemble my minature pet monkey a lot.)
Episode 22 – Spread Pain, Not Love
Akio: I'll leave this Rose Signet for you. Should you ever desire eternity, then put it on.
Akio: I suppose you have no choice but to revolutionize the world.
Akio: The way before you has been prepared.
(Non-Out-Of_Left-Field Visual/Mind Perception:Nemuro sees Akio checking Tokiko for cavities, the sight of which stirs up the Professor's need to make others suffer just as badly as his tooth-ache-plagued lady love, leading to the arson.)
Episode 26 – Leggy Leggy
Kozue: I'm meeting someone.
Nanami: At this hour? Who on earth?
Kozue: A "Daddy Long Legs". Shall I introduce you? (Non-Out-Of-Left-Field Thought Bubble:The Acting Chairman's a success case of the Chinese leg-stretching surgery, a non-safe but result-yielding procedure that can help even the ill-proportioned likes of you.)
Nanami: No thanks.
(Non-Out-Of_Left-Field Visual/Mind Perception: Kozue, aspiring to become a runway model, goes off with Akio as the Chairman discuss with her the risks involved in the surgery in a professional manner.)
Episode 30 – Dealing with Package Deal
Akio: Besides. Look. This is Kanae-san's favorite fragrance.
Akio: I'm always wearing the cologne Kanae-san likes, and when we're all alone together... (Non-Out-Of_Left-Field Thought Bubble:Just so you can buy this yourself and spray your daughter's room with it, you devoted mom, you.)
(Non-Out-Of_Left-Field Audio/Mind Perception:Mrs. Ohtori sniffing noisily like the agitated old lady she is. Gee willicker, she thinks to herself, that's one musky moose smell ma little gal's craving!)
Akio: And how is the real Chairman doing?
Mrs. Ohtori: Who cares about that man. (Non-Out-Of_Left-Field Thought Bubble:Can't even give me ma proper foot massage, senile old goat!)
(Non-Out-Of_Left-Field Visual/Mind Perception:Sensing the future mother in law's needs by way of his power as the World's End, Akio proceeds to massage her foot - lowering his head just to give himself more leverage to exert proper strength.)
Mrs. Ohtori: You. You're my only Prince. (Non-Out-Of_Left-Field Thought Bubble: Just ma way of praising you for your suck up efforts, ye social-climbing laddie!)
Episode 31 - Siblings Showing Off
Nanami: Geez, you startled me. Um...
(Non-Out-Of_Left-Field Visual/Mind Perception:Sees non-sexual naked wrestling between Akio and Anthy, the sibling-appropriateness of which forces her to realize just how unclose she is to Touga, cause he's really not her brother. Drama ensues.)
Clip Ends(courtesy of B-ko smashing the projector to bits)
C-ko: Hey! I still haven't showed you guys the non-out-of-left-field views with Juri being straight and the Kaoru twins being non-incestuous-
B-ko (carrying large mantis claws and advancing manacingly on C-ko): Snipsnipsnip!
A-ko (likewise) Non-out-of-left-field begone! Snipsnipsnip!
C-ko (while getting chased off view by the other two): Argg!
To Be Continued?