A/N: *Gasp* A new fic. Except this one's a true story!
No, really! I'm dead serious.
Especially the part where the protagonist tickles the Hakurei armpits. See? Listen. *Sound effect of laughing miko* (Whoa, whoa, whoa... Sorry, that may be going a bit too far.)
In any case, thus commenceth the tale. Oh yeah, did I mention that it's a true story?
Disclaimer: Touhou belongs to ZUN.
Chapter 1: Dusk in Paradise
His name is Human X. That's right - he is the OC protagonist of this fic. Now, readers, giving him an actual name would only cause you to look at him more as a person. Which is definitely something this... thing... does not deserve to be viewed as.
"A-hahaha! I'm in Gensokyo! I'm finally in Gensokyo!" he laughs, walking around. "Whoever's up there making this happen, thank you!"
Er... nope. You're not welcome. You think can just compensate with your luck with just a hollow expression of thanks? Well, ha!
Human X picks his ear. "I swear I was hearing things. Who's yelling at me?"
He freezes in realization. "Aha! Must be the final boss of the incident! I've got to find Reimu! Heheheh. Reimu-chan! Reimu-chaan!" His fingers twitch a little, as if itching to tickle something. Curiously, he has no idea why that is. Without further ado, he picks a random direction and dashes off.
Crap. I don't want to be found out this early. The characters of this universe should never realize that they're part of a story! Or else my master plan will fail.
"Whee!" "Nyaaa!" "Eeee!" The shrieks of fairies fill the air. A group can already be seen chasing the boy as he runs.
"Dammit! Why? Why does it have to be this way? I completely forgot - I can't use danmaku!" He looks back and nevertheless extends his hand, putting full concentration on it.
*Pow, pow, pow, pow*
"...Oh. Okay," he shrugs. The he jumps in the air, flying higher and higher to gather the power and point values.
Be thankful, Human X. That I, the author, oh-so-conveniently made you decide to try using danmaku.
"Ahaha. Gee, thanks," says Human X contently, humbly scratching the hair on his neck.
...Uh, oops? Heheh. Did I say something?
"I dunno, did you?"
Human X sighs. "I keep hearing that voice. No doubt it's quite a formidable last boss indeed. I've got to warn Reimu."
Human X feels a small clamp on his arm. A lone fairy holds on to it, and many more appear around him, clinging to his shirt and pants.
"What are you, hey! Get off!"
On the fairies' eyes are heart shapes. He suddenly gets a wet and soggy feeling. Drool escapes the fairies' mouths.
"Now that's just. Disgusting." He shakes them away and...
...eliminates them with more danmaku. He brushes off the dust in his hands in a showy fashion. "I get how there's a gender imbalance and all, but... fairies are fairies."
A mischievous grin spreads across his face. "I wonder if all Touhou girls will fall in love with me. Eheheheheee. Ahahahaa! Paradise found!"
About that time when youkai come out to mate and breed. Oh, and eat humans.
"I can feel it. The magic in the air!" he says. He positions his hands forward and shoots out some more fairies. He has been wandering for the past few hours, and now, he feels that something's about to happen.
He pauses for a moment to admire the scene. The trees around him look trimmed, as if in a garden. They glow in different colors as well. The lighting of the area is pretty strange, seeing that the sun has already gone down, and the trees look to be lit from the bottom up. A few hovering spheres of light tells him that fairies are still around.
"What are you doing, human?" asks a girly voice. "Shouldn't you be in the village by now?"
"Huh? Wha? Who's talking?"
"Here, over here." The voice seems to come from down below.
So the boy looks down and jumps in surprise. The flower in between his legs - it's ALIVE! ...Well, yes, of course it is, but it has eyes! And talks!
"Don't scare me like that. And besides, what are you, a fairy or a youkai?"
"I'm a spirit that possesses this flower. I might have been a fairy or a human, or even this flower's original soul. Who cares. All I know is that I'm probably a youkai-in-the-making."
"Oh, I see," says Human X thoughtfully. He turns back to the flower and holds up his finger in realization. "Right, which reminds me."
"Ow, ow! What're you doing?" asks the flower.
"Youkai extermination - go!" exclaims the boy, firing danmaku.
"You can't kill me that easily," says the flower matter-of-factly. "The human war on youkai is overrated. See? All my sisters are in agreement."
An entire chorus of flowers joins in. All around him, the flowers turn to face him as they speak.
"Ow." Human X feels a rock thrown at his stomach. Which makes a little explosion upon contact.
It isn't before long that he realizes that it's the flowers spitting seed-shaped danmaku in his direction.
"Oh well, better escape for now," he says. And he rises into the air.
"Seriously... Objects being possessed by spirits," he muses, feeling the cool night air.
He looks around for hints of a shrine, but could only see mountains and hills in all directions.
"Come to think of it, such thing really can happen in Gensokyo. Huh. What's next, a spirit possessing a completely random object? What, like clothing?"
"That's mean..." says a nearby girlish voice.
His heart skipping a beat, he comes to a stop. Human X's face pales immediately upon realizing the stupidity of the things he has said. He is all alone in the air, with no one around that could have said anything to him. Unless...
"O-okay, where are you, you mischievous brat who dares try to scare me like that! Or rather, w-what are you?"
Sure enough, his fears are confirmed as a white ghostly figure of a young girl appears in front of him, making him yelp in fright. Upon closer look, the place where the girl's legs are supposed to be - that's right... connected to the white cotton of his T-shirt.
"Why are you such a meanie!" complains the spirit.
"Wahhhhh!" shrieks Person X as he hurriedly takes off his T-shirt and chucks it in the air, letting it be blown off in the wind.
"I wear that any longer, and I would have become youkai dinner! Was it... was it there all along?" he pants, sweat running down his naked torso. "Or did it suddenly appear the moment I suggested it? E-heheh!" His nervous laughter fills the night air, drawing the attention of the fairies on the ground.
Heads are turned. The clean, hairless, muscular developing body of a man in his late teens is indeed a rare sight in Gensokyo.
The entire fairy population of the surrounding forest rises up to meet the Chosen One.
A/N: In case you're wondering, yes, this is intended to be a laugh fic. Unfortunately, this story is not taken seriously enough by its author to even have a clear, predetermined plot. Please, carry on with your browsing of the Touhou section and stop giving this fic the attention it does not deserve! (Otherwise, people will start noticing the cheesiness of my humor. XD In fact, so cheesy you can put it in a sandwich!)