The Things You Do For Family
Rated PG-13 (I guess)
Summary: Written in response to the sexy picture of CP reclining on a car in leather pants and a tank top and an equally sexy picture of KU reclining in a chair in holey pants that were posted on the Jim and Bones LJ community.
Author's note: This is totally unbeta'd and written in 20 minutes in a LJ dialogue box. The idea came to me in the shower – I blame my lovely beta-reader RoyalPinkDogs. (J – I got this out of my system I'll try to work on the other stories now, I promise. Sorry. ;-) )
"Uhura, this isn't even fair," Jim whined. "Stop grinning!"
"I'm not grinning, Captain," Uhura immediately replied, her lips twitching suspiciously.
"She's not," McCoy agreed. "It's more of smirk than a grin."
Jim turned his ire on his CMO. "Why the hell are you even here, Bones? You wouldn't let me come to your photo shoot."
Bones smirked - it was definitely a smirk, "Are you kidding, I wouldn't have missed this for the world."
Jim crossed his arms, which did amazing things to his biceps, even he had to admit. "This is so...so..." he sputtered. "What's wrong with my uniform, for god's sakes? Or my leather jacket? Why this!" he motioned to the tight leather pants and tank top that he had been forced into - literally.
It had not been a comfortable experience and he was still a bit paranoid about the damage that zipper could do when he finally got to take the things off.
Uhura came forward, her camera lowered. "Jim you promised my sister," she reminded him, patting him on the arm. "This means a lot to her. This calendar will raise a lot of money for her orphanage."
Jim sighed. Curse his bleeding heart. "I know that, Uhura. And I'm doing it gladly." Bones' snort of laughter cut him off and Jim glared at his friend. "It's a good cause," he continued in a louder voice, still glaring. "What I don't understand is why I have to wear this...this...stuff! Spock got to pose by a computer. Sulu was at least in his workout outfit - and he got his sword! Hell you let Bones sit in a fucking chair wearing a long sleeve shirt and holey jeans!"
"Hey!" Bones protested. "You weren't supposed to see that until the calendar came out!"
Jim scoffed. "Please, like that would stop me," he waved dismissively. "Why, Uhura? Just tell me why?"
Her smirk was definitely back in place as she coughed daintily before looking up at him. "Well, the publishers were unsure how many calendars they should print. So my sister came up with the idea of running a...poll. She listed several outfits and allowed people to vote only once and for only one outfit. Anyone who voted received a voucher for three credits off the calendar when it comes out. This was the winning outfit."
"That's pretty smart," Bones nodded from where he was leaning against a nearby fence.
"This is what they wanted!" Jim exclaimed incredulously. "I've never worn leather pants in my life!" Uhura and Bones gave him identical disbelieving looks.
"Well I haven't," Jim pouted. "They're too uncomfortable and hot. My ass is sweaty."
"Not something I wanted to know," Bones muttered.
Uhura shook her head as she checked the camera. "Leather won out three to one in the voting."
"Yep," Uhura nodded. She was suppressing a grin and Jim knew from past experience that was not a good thing. "Second place was even worse."
"What was second?" he asked because he could tell she wanted to tell him.
"It was a write in vote - you in your birthday suit," she grinned. "I totally nixed that idea. That's not what this calendar is about. So come on Captain, give me a sexy pout so that we can make all the women out there happy and they'll buy this calendar and support my sister."
"Naked?" Jim seemed a cross between intrigued and disturbed.
"Not happening, Captain," Uhura stated flatly. "Now let's get this over with. We're almost out of decent light." She clicked off a few pictures as Jim posed awkwardly.
"You can do better than that, Jim," she scolded lightly.
He took a deep breath, closed his eyes and then arranged his features in his best sexy pout.
"You look constipated, Jim," Bones called out, fully enjoying his captain's discomfort.
Jim shot his friend a nasty look.
"Oh, nice glare!" Uhura said, snapping off more pictures. "Do that again, but look at the camera."
"That wasn't a glare," Bones told her. "That was more of a glower."
Jim's eyes narrowed. "Well, you'd know best, wouldn't you, Dr. Grouchy. Let's pour you into a pair of leather pants and see how happy you when balls are squished and your ass is on display for everyone to ogle."
"I'll have you know, my ass would look amazing in leather pants," Bones said loftily.
"Right," Jim responded derisively. "Your ass wouldn't stand a chance against mine. Yours can barely hold up your scrubs.
"You're the one who had to get a special cushion for your captain's chair because your nonexistent ass was getting sore from all the sitting," Bones shot back.
Jim looked indignant. "That seat was made with no padding at all. Even Pike said..."
"Like Pike sat in it for long," Bones interrupted. "He was probably just trying to make you feel better. At least that man has a decent ass on him."
"Wait a damn minute! My ass is…"
"Boys!" Uhura interrupted with a loud shout. "Camera. Photo shoot. Calendar. Remember?" she spoke to them like toddlers. "Can you please shut up so we can get this over with?"
"Fine," Jim replied. "You settle it then - who's got the better ass?"
Uhura rolled her eyes and let out a huff of exasperation. "That's easy."
"Yeah?" Bones asked. "So who is it?"
"Me," she replied confidently.
Jim and Bones exchanged looks.
"The lady has a point," Jim shrugged.
"That see does," Bones agreed.
"Great, now that that is settled," Uhura narrowed her eyes at Jim. "Shut up and at least try to look sexy."
"Yes, ma'am," Jim smirked, leaning back onto the car. "And when we're done here we can discuss you wearing a pair of leather pants for the Women of the Enterprise calendar that will be coming out next year."
"In your dreams, farm boy."