The Pyrotechnic Princess
An "X-Men" one shot by Andrew J. Talon and scriviner
Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based work of prose. X-Men is the property of Marvel and the creation of Stan Lee and other comic masterminds. Please support the official release.
"You know, maybe I should ask about this change in uniform," Jubilee muttered as she emerged from her room at the new X-Mansion. It had been some time after she had been cured of her vampirism, and she'd been eager to resume her duties as an X-Man. They'd thoughtfully provided her with an itinerary, Danger Room scenarios, and new clothing!
It was just that the new clothes all seemed to be the uniform of a maid. And nobody had spoken up about changing it for a while. Still, she was sure it was just a minor error. Nothing to get excited about. She'd just have to get back into the swing of things.
She checked her itinerary on her cellphone. "Huh! See Rogue. All right then..." She walked down the corridors of the mansion's upper level, and soon arrived at Rogue's door. She knocked, and she was yanked in the moment the door opened. "WOAH!"
"Jubilee! Thank God yer here! Ah need a really big favor!" Rogue said. Jubilee smiled.
"Sure, what is it?"
"Ya know, we got this big important mission to go save the Shi'ar Galaxy and all that, right?" Rogue asked. Jubilee nodded, her eyes widening.
"And it's gonna be big and important and have all sortsa excitin' things goin' on and some of us might even die?" Rogue asked.
"Yeah?" Jubilee asked, eyes lit up. Literally, it was disconcerting to see her synapses fire like that.
"Well ah need you to stay behind and sort mah closet!" Rogue said cheerfully. Jubilee slowly lowered her arms.
"And ah ain't gonna lie," Rogue said, as she opened up her closet. "There are a lot o' sex toys."
"What? You can't be serious!" Jubilee cried. Her eyes bugged out. "You were serious..."
"Come on sugah, for me? Pleasssse?" Rogue begged. "Ah absolutely cannot stay here!"
"Come on, Rogue! Let me on the mission! I'll be loads of help!" Jubilee said.
"Aw right darling, tell you what-You learn how to survive re-entry and take solar flares to the face, and ah'll stay here and sort mah closet," Rogue said. Jubilee stared at Rogue. Rogue stared back. Jubilee sighed.
"... Why is there an entire shelf of toys labeled 'Scott'?"
"Now don't you worry none about that, sugah!"
"In fact... this one looks like it was made from a plaster cast made of his..."
Jubilee sighed, and checked off her latest task. She wiped her forehead-Rogue's room really did get stuffy!
"There. From Alphanator to Zero Hour," she said, looking over the sex toys with a strange kind of satisfaction. "Maybe I can still catch them before they launch!"
She turned and ran out the door, sprinting for the secret elevator to the sub-basement... Only to run into a certain pink haired douchebag. "OOF! HEY!"
"Oh! My apologies, Lee," Quentin Quire said with an almost sincere smile. He stood up and helped her to her feet. "I didn't see you there."
"You're psychic," Jubilee stated flatly. The former Kid Omega shrugged while smiling.
"Doesn't make me all knowing. Sorry again."
"... Why are you being so nice to me?" Jubilee asked, thoroughly creeped out. Like, way more than usual when it came to Quentin. The telepath smirked.
"Well, of course I was going to be nice to you, Lee. Everyone hates you if they bother to think of you. You're lusting after a man who considers you his greatest failure. Your life is a meaningless waste and to be honest, I admire the fact that you've gotten this far without killing yourself. Bravo, dear girl. Bravo."
Jubilee stared at him. Quentin stared back. Jubilee kicked him in the balls, and down he went.
"... At least I didn't spend a year in a jar in Beast's lab," Jubilee hissed, striding off.
"Your ass looks fat in that maid's outfit!" Quentin gasped back, clutching his gonads. Even as an Omega-level telepath with total control over his nervous system, that hurt like a bitch.
"You're just jealous!"
Jubilee emerged from the secret elevator and ran for Beast's lab. She hit the input code, and dashed inside as the heavy armored doors opened.
"Beast! I'm ready for-WOAH! WOAH! WOAH!" Jubilee covered her eyes. "WOAH!"
"Ah, my apologies Jubilee. In my off hours, I enjoy going without the constriction of clothing, for er... Grooming purposes," Beast said, looking more than a little uncomfortable.
"Grooming? But you were bent over-"
"And your face was in your-"
"Jubilee!" Beast growled. In a much calmer voice:
"... Next time, please knock before you open the door, yes?"
"I won't tell anyone you were... um... grooming yourself," Jubilee said, slowly backing out of the room.
"I should hope not."
She hesitated at the double doors, and peeked between her fingers.
"Um... can I watch a little more? That's kind of... wow."
"Good day, Jubilee. This is Happy Hank's private private time."
"... with your privates?"
"I do love alliteration."
Jubilee sighed as she entered Kitty Pryde's room. Much to her relief, the older woman was not involved in some kind of debauchery. She was actually reading something from her Kindle, and she looked up from it to give the former California mall rat a smile.
"Oh, hey Jubes!"
"Hey, Kitty," Jubilee sighed.
"What's the matter?" Kitty asked, concerned. Jubilee stared at her in disbelief.
"Do you not see the damn maid's outfit they put me in?"
"Oh, are they still pulling that old gag? Oh, man. I remember when they did that to me!" Kitty laughed. Jubilee stared at her.
"How did you get out of it?"
"Hmm? Oh, they just called me a good sport after a week and let me pick another costume," Kitty said cheerfully. Jubilee's expression became almost constipated in her incredulousness.
"I've been in this thing for three months now."
Kitty blinked, setting her Kindle down.
"Yeah, oh," Jubilee said with a growl.
""It's not so bad!" Kitty said, waving her hands to try and calm Jubilee's ire. "Once you've been with them long enou-"
"Pryde... you've been on the team only a few years longer than I have. The Wolvie clone gets away with leaving her toenail clippings in the living room and I have to pick up after her!" Jubilee shouted.
"I think you're taking this just a little too seriously. I mean I'm sure they all love you deep down. Even the ones who seem like jerks now. We're all part of one big happy family!" Kitty finished this pronouncement with a warm, welcoming smile.
"... I want whatever drugs you're on."
"Maybe you just need to find someone interesting on the team...?" Kitty suggested. "You know, expand your horizons a little...?"
"Pfft. The closest I had to romance was some guy from another universe years ago. I haven't had ANYTHING since," Jubilee huffed.
In another universe, Tim Drake sneezed in his sleep. Nika and Cass snuggled up to him even closer.
"... oh. Mm..." Kitty thought about it, tapping her chin. "If you're really hard up... I mean... Wolvie and I used to... I mean when I wasn't with Pioter. Or Peter. Or Doug-"
"Wait. Hold the phone," Jubilee said, holding up a hand. "Wolvie? Logan? You've slept with LOGAN?"
"Are you kidding?" Kitty asked in disbelief, giggling a bit. "Everyone's slept with Logan. Come on. You sidekicked with him... nothing?" At Jubilee's rapid head shaking, Kitty frowned. "Not even you know... a bit of oral-?"
"Oh. Um... wow. I mean... I... wow, that's awkward."
"Even Rogue's had him."
Jubilee sighed as she walked up to Bobby Drake's door, and knocked. The door opened, and Jubilee shivered as a freezing breeze wafted out. Bobby greeted her at the door with a broad smile.
"Hey Jubes! What's shaking? I mean, aside from you," he said with a grin.
"V-V-Very funny!" Jubilee got out through chattering teeth. The Iceman took her hand and dragged her inside."H-Hey!"
"Come on! You're perfectly dressed for something I want to do!" Bobby said cheerfully.
"B-Bobby! I'm not here for-for your fetish!" Jubilee managed. She looked around the room-Literally everything was made of ice. From the furniture to the drapes to the... Tea party set? "Huh?"
"Come on, sit! Then you can get to cleaning!" Bobby said cheerfully, pushing her onto a chair made of ice. Jubilee's shivering got worse, even as he handed her a warm tea kettle.
"I'm experimenting with my powers," Bobby said."Seeing if I can maintain the temperature of everything around me without freezing select parts. Like your chair."
Jubilee hummed and wiggled her bottom. "You might want to work on it, this is still very cold..." At his hurt look, she coughed. "The tea kettle is very impressive though..."
"Thanks! It's something to do with homeostasis between thermal layers, very scientific," Bobby said, holding out his cup. "Tea please?"
Jubilee poured it. Something had been nagging at her since she entered the room... And as she looked around, seeing the snow and ice littering the floor, she finally hit upon it.
"Bobby, I think I should go." she said.
"What? Why? You haven't cleaned up," Bobby said.
"I don't actually have anything to dust here that isn't... in some weird way... you." She frowned as another thought occurred to her, and she looked down.
"In fact... this chair I'm sitting on that's freezing my almost bare ass at this very moment is part of you and you can feel me sitting on it, can't you?"
"Yeah. I'm out of here."
"Well, look on the bright side," Jubilee said to herself as she approached Scott and Emma's room, "they're probably going to be well kept and clean. I mean, Fearless Leader's a neat freak and Frost's a control freak. Both freaks." She opened up the door to their quarters. "I'm sure it'll be just fiiii..."
"Ride me, Magnus! Thrust that pulsing metal rod into my-"
"Uh, Emma?" Scott said, pointing to the frozen Jubilee.
"Ignore her. I demand my Magnetosex."
"... Sorry. I'm just really not feeling the mood anymore," Scott said, as he adjusted his Magneto helmet. Emma scowled at him from underneath her flesh-colored bald wig.
"The real Magneto wouldn't care!"
"Well I do," Scott said.
"...iiiiEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Jubilee finally recovered the use of her legs turned and ran, her eyes covered. "OH GOD NOT HAPPENING NOT HAPPENING!"
"... We could always try the Wolverine scenario."
"Incest or no incest?"
"Darling, what do you think?"
"I'll get the strap on foot claws then..."
Later that night in the Jean Grey School for Gifted Youngsters' dining room, one Jubilation Lee, better known as Jubilee, had stood up from the dinner table of the X-Men to address her friends and teammates at large. She'd had enough.
"You know guys, ever since we got our powers back and stuff returned to normal," Jubilee began, "I've been getting the feeling you don't really respect me."
"What are you talking about, my plasma-inclined pupil?" Hank McCoy inquired, leaning back at the table.
"Oh no, not dis again," Gambit sighed, holding his hand to his forehead. Jubilee plowed on, ignoring this.
"I mean, sure, I know I haven't exactly been all that crucial to a lot of the recent crazy stuff..."
"Consider yourself fortunate," Logan opined, chewing on a turkey leg with a growl. "I just got back from goddamn Genosha, before that it was Thailand, before that was London..."
"Why were you in London?" Scott asked. The Wolverine shrugged.
"Got me. Ran into some annoying kid with a bandanna, too..."
"And I know you guys didn't need me a lot in the nineties," Jubilee continued, heedless of Logan's side conversation.
"We didn't need you at all," Emma said dryly. At a look from her boyfriend Scott Summers, the White Queen managed to look a bit demure.
"But this has really gotten out of hand!" Jubilee said, gesturing down to her uniform. Hank hummed and rubbed his chin.
"Is there a problem with the color?" The Beast asked, tearing into his steak with relish.
"Among other things," Jubilee said flatly. "There's also the fact it's a maid's uniform."
"Looks fine to me," Logan said. Jubilee allowed herself a blush and indulgence in a decade's worth of pent up adolescent fantasies about the wild man who had her as his sidekick from time to time, before Rogue knocked her out of her happy place.
"And you're more properly dressed than most of us, sugah," Rogue added. Jubilee growled.
"That's not the point! I'm not supposed to be a maid! Just look at these Danger Room scenarios!" She hit the holoprojector on the table, and a detailed list appeared. Beast hummed, bringing his clawed fingers together under his chin.
"Domestic Invasion 221, Domestic Invasion 552, Unusual Mutant Combat Scenario 335..."
"That last one was really telling," Jubilee growled.
"What? Ain't that the one with the graffiti monster?" Rogue asked. Beast shook his head.
"No no, that would 451, this deals with a sludge monster's rampage through the mansion-"
"My assigned weapons are a mop and bucket!" Jubilee shrieked.
"And?" Cyclops asked. "Your point?"
"My point is that, well, I'd like to be given somewhat more substantial duties around here! I mean, I have seniority over this clone Summer Glau wannabe!"
Somewhere, X-23 sneezed. This revealed her location to several heavily armed anti-mutant mercenaries. She shrugged and dove into battle. It just moved up her time table a bit...
"Or those creepy psychic valley girls!"
"Are you sure?" Asked Celeste, as Phoebe worked on the Cerebro link. Phoebe nodded, an unnecessary gesture given their hive mind but one born out of habit. Mindee sighed.
"I knew she could only get that flexible in the Danger Room," they mumbled as they looked over some of Emma Frost's more... Personal files.
"Or anyone else!" Jubilee pouted. "So I deserve some more responsibility!"
"All right, all right," Bobby Drake, the Iceman, said as he stole some potatoes from the pot, "we'll let you clean the Blackbird hangar."
"ARGH!" Jubilee growled, blasting him with a firework. The Iceman fell back, as Jubilee ran off. Logan sighed.
"Relax. I'll talk to her. Eventually," Logan said as he rose from the table.
"You know, if you were to bang her ah don't think anyone would object," Rogue noted wryly. "Might make her settle down a notch."
"And that's supposed to mean what...?"
"Well, Shadowcat, Jubilee, Hisako," Bobby added. Logan growled.
"The hell are you saying? I'm into younger women? Newsflash, genius: Everybody's younger than me, unless you'd like me to shack up with Mystique!"
"No thanks," Bobby said, making a face. Logan smirked and headed off. Jubilee wouldn't get too far, he knew her too well. Even after all this insanity what with Jean dying (again) and Magneto coming back to life and who knows what else, she was his predictable little Jubilee.
After all, what was the worse she could do?
"You have entered the domain of Apocalypse, foolish X-Man," rumbled the mighty En Sabah Nur, as he rose from his mighty stone throne. "You dare approach me, infidel? Vermin?"
"Yeah yeah yeah, whatever," Jubilee huffed. "Listen here Apocalypse: I hear you're always in the market for new servants. Well! Ya got one!" She held out her arms. Apocalypse, the doom of many a civilization, stared.
"... I have no need for a maid-"
"FORGET MY COSTUME FOR A SECOND!" Jubilee shouted angrily. "I'm an X-Man! Ya known, shunned by my comrades, ripe for corruption into a super powered being of pure destruction! Come on, this is what you do!"
"And you would serve me as my Horseman? Deliver unto the world my judgement? Bring low those who would think themselves superior to me?" Apocalypse boomed, his words shaking his hall. "Even destroy your friends and family?"
"Yeah, sure, whatever," Jubilee said. Apocalypse laughed.
"Hahaha! Your flippancy amuses me. SO BE IT!"
Apocalypse had made his move-Using ancient Celestial technology in a bid to make Stonehenge into a gigantic graviton emitter to hold the moon in front of the sun, his villainous scheme was to lower global temperatures and thus cause an ice age which would allow him to kill off the weak and rule the world.
As far as plans went, it was fairly pedestrian by Apocalypse's standards. However, as the X-Men confronted them, he unveiled his latest twist.
"Behold! Among your own number, I have drawn my final horseman: WAR!" Apocalypse boomed, as out of the shadows emerged-
"Jubilee?" Wolverine gasped, as he beheld the now pale visage of his unofficial sidekick. Her conversion to Horseman of Apocalypse had kept her maid's outfit, but rendered it more evil (read: Sexy) in design.
Jubilee cackled, holding her hands up and firing off blasts of pyrokinetic plasma which struck every X-Man down.
"Happy Fourth of July, assholes!" Jubilee laughed.
"MAH BACK!" Rogue cried, as she slammed into Cyclops.
Shadowcat had allowed the blasts to pass through her, and she charged into the fray as Jubilee continued firing off blasts. Wolverine followed, his healing factor getting him back up. The rest of the X-Men recovered behind Colossus, who absorbed further shots from the other Horsemen but only with great difficulty.
"Darlin'! Snap outta it! We already went through this with you as a vampire!" Wolverine cried, swinging his claws to disperse her plasma blasts. Shadowcat ran through the air and leaped at Jubilee, but one of Apocalypse's mighty pneumatic arms slammed into her.
"ARGH!" She cried, being sent flying through the air into the nearby pillars of the Celestial's machine. Jubilee laughed maniacally, and dodged out of the way of Wolverine's swipes.
"Fool! I am now Apocalypse's own horseman... Woman... Whatever! War!" Jubilee laughed. Wolverine growled at her.
"Goin' this far just to feel important... Jubilee, I'm sorry, but I've gotta stop you." He crossed his claws dramatically. "One way... Or another!"
"Go right ahead, Wolvie," Jubilee said sweetly. "Struggle with your angst over killing another person you're close to!"
"Look whose talkin'," Wolverine replied flatly. "You've been whinin' away about not bein' important, and here you go joinin' the bad guys! But you ain't killed anyone yet!"
"Maybe I'm just getting warmed up!" Jubilee growled.
"Or maybe you're just as useless as we think, even powered up by evil," Wolverine taunted. Jubilee snarled, and she formed a huge sphere of energetic plasma between her hands.
"I'LL SHOW YOU WHO'S USELESS!" Jubilee snarled, throwing the ball of energy at Wolverine. Logan dodged out of the way, and Shadowcat followed suit, phasing through the ultimate receiver of Jubilee's ire: The Celestial device that had been holding the moon in eclipse.
"Oopsie," Jubilee squeaked, as the machine went up in a massive explosion. She winced at every subsequent explosion, as the X-Men and the other Horsemen of Apocalypse ceased their battle to watch. Apocalypse himself stared with a slack jaw as his mighty machine was rendered total and absolute scrap.
"Sorry Apocalypse! Didn't mean to hit the... was that important? That looked important... That too... Oh dear... Um..."
Apocalypse stared for a long moment, and slowly looked at Jubilee. He drew in a deep breath.
"... I meant for you to destroy that."
"Really?" Jubilee asked, as the eclipse began to end.
"... no. It's RUINED!" Apocalypse bellowed, shaking his fists. Jubilee coughed, and smoothed out her skirt.
"Oops... Well, I can kill Wolverine?" She suggested, as said adamantium-enhanced mutant slowly got up.
"Would that make it better?" Apocalypse asked, almost sweetly.
"... Probably not?"
"THEN WHAT GOOD ARE YOU?" Apocalypse snarled.
"Heheheh... Just as planned," Wolverine chuckled. Jubilee spun around on Apocalypse and gaped as she saw that Wolverine and Shadowcat were both smirking... As was Emma.
Well she was usually smirking but she was smirking more than usual.
"W-What...?" Jubilee asked.
"Isn't it obvious, Jubilation?" Emma asked. "We counted on you screwing up to defeat Apocalypse."
"WHAT?" Jubilee cried.
"Exactly," Wolverine said.
Shadowcat nodded. "It was a really short plan, but who knew it would work out so well?"
"I did," Emma sniffed.
"Well besides you, Emma."
"... Well played," Apocalypse snorted. Jubilee turned to Apocalypse, clenching her fists.
"But...but... you made me powerful! You made me better than them! How could this happen?" Jubilee demanded.
"You know when I said I could make you useful? I could get you respect?"
Jubilee took a step back, wide eyed.
"Wh-What? But-But my powers!"
"I could not improve upon them."
"Celestial cosmetics. Numerous applications."
"... YOU DIDN'T AUGMENT ME AT ALL?"
"If you will notice your uniform actually does provide some considerable uplift to your miniscule bosom."
"NOT WHAT I MEANT! WHAT ABOUT MY POWERS?" Jubilee screeched.
"Even I, Apocalypse, cannot work miracles," he said, just before Cyclop's optic blast sent him flying. "GAH!"
"So... I signed up with him and I got...?" Jubilee's head fell as she realized the truth.
"Yep. You got a makeover," Logan said, patting Jubilee on the shoulder. "Should've seen it coming, kid."
"Logan, you don't have to rub it in," Shadowcat admonished.
"Sure I do! She's my sidekick. I call her out on stupid stuff she does, same she does to me," Logan said flatly.
"Y... you still think of me as... as... your sidekick? Even AFTER this?" Jubilee asked, her lower lip wobbling.
"Yeah, sure thing kid," Wolverine said. "Change back to yer costume and y'can come home with us.
"Yes, for goodness sake TAKE HER!" Apocalypse shouted. "STOP YOUR ATTACK, YOU WEAK FOOLS! I CANNOT DIE!"
"No, but we can kick your ass real good," Rogue taunted.
"OUCH! CEASE YOUR IRRITATING KICKING OF MY ASS, MUTANT VERMIN!"
As Apocalypse was defeated, Jubilee made her way to a fallen stone, sat down on it and held her head in her hands.
"God, even with an evil power up I'm still useless!" She moaned. "I can't do anything right...! This is worse than that stupid vampire thing!"
Logan walked over, a cigar clenched in his teeth. He sat down, and held it out. Jubilee, sniffling, was still able to reach out her hand and light it.
"Come on, so yer a bit useless," Logan said, taking a drag off his cigar and filling the air with pleasant smelling smoke, "What's wrong with that? Ya don't have a tragic backstory, ya haven't died fifteen times, and ya don't have to run around between super teams constantly."
"... My parents were killed in front of me!" Jubilee bawled.
"Then be glad ya got the mental health not to dress up in a bat costume. Cause then you'd really be crazy."
"That would actually be an improvement over what she usually wears," called a catty voice nearby. Logan growled.
"Well come on!" The White Queen huffed, as she returned to aiding the other X-Men in kicking Apocalypse around. Wolverine returned his attention to the depressed Jubilee, and he rubbed her back comfortingly.
"Look Jubilee. You can be useful, you're just not at the right moment for it. I mean, lookit me. I'm going on a century in age and I've got my mutant healing factor to keep me going. Of course I'm better than most punks," Wolverine said, scratching the back of his head with a single adamantium claw.
"... are you trying to make me feel worse?" Jubilee groused. Logan hummed.
"... You do look sexy in the maid outfit. Does that make you feel better?"
"... only if you were gonna rip it off me," Jubilee murmured, blushing from his proximity. Wolverine hummed.
"What was that?"
"Nothing," she squeaked, but she was sure he was smiling.
Just a bit of crack inspired from watching too many X-Men: TAS episodes. Still, hope you guys don't mind me branching out a bit.