Author's Note: I got this idea while I was thinking of what it would be like if Ludwig and fem!Feliks (who I dubbed Felicyta) were married.
P.S.: Vash, Osaka (from Azumanga Daioh), Lili (Liechtenstein), and Gilbert are Lui and Felicyta's kids.
Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia or anything else I'm using in this story. They belong to their respective creators.
Chapter 1: Dinner With the Xanatos'
David Xanatos' house
December 18, 1996
Ludwig and Felicyta Beilschmidt arrived at the Xanatos' house, their four children—11-year-old Vash, 8-year-old Ayumu (a.k.a. "Osaka"), 7-year-old Lili, and a newborn Gilbert—in tow. Felicyta rang the doorbell, and the family stood outside in the snow, waiting for someone to answer.
Ludwig groaned. "Zyta, do we have to be here? I don't like David Xanatos. He's a snob, and he makes fun of the way I talk!"
"Like, hey, Lui, the Xanatos' invited us to dinner, and I said we'd go," said Felicyta. "They're, like, our new neighbors, so we should at least try and get along with them, 'kay?" She was trying to keep Vash from pointing his toy gun everywhere. "Vash Beilschmidt, like, put that thing away!"
"Sorry, Mom," Vash mumbled and put his gun in his coat.
"Ich konnte an die Bar gegangen sind mit den Jungs von der Kraft, heute Abend nach meiner Schicht, statt zu dummen reiche Davids Haus, mit seinen dummen reiche Frau, und ihre dummen reiche Möbel," Ludwig grumbled in his native language.
"Co to było, Lui?" Felicyta asked her husband. She looked at him, while the three older children watched. Gilbert fidgeted in his mother's arms as snowflakes fell one at a time onto his platinum blond hair.
"Uh…nothing, dear," Ludwig lied.
"Like, I'm not stupid, Lui," Felicyta said. "I, like, know German, too, and I totally heard what you just said. We will have dinner with the Xanatos', you will, like, at least pretend to be polite to them, and you will totally refrain from punching David's lights out, even though he makes fun of your accent." She shifted her youngest child in her arms and held him out to Ludwig. "Here, you can, like, hold the baby, 'kay?"
"Sure," Ludwig said with a smile as he took Gilbert in his arms. "I'm telling you one thing, I'm not letting David hold our child. He might drop him or something, that jerkwad!"
"Like, okay, okay, whatever," Felicyta said as the door opened. Owen Burnett, the Xanatos' babysitter, or nanny, greeted the family. "Like, hey."
"Yeah, hello," Owen said in his usual boring voice. "Mr. and Mrs. Xanatos have been expecting you." He let the Beilschmidts in, took their coats, and showed them to the living room. "Mr. Xanatos, the Beilschmidt family's here."
"Excellent," David Xanatos said with a smile. "Thanks, Owen." He went up to Ludwig. "Hey, Ludwig, did you get rid of that dumb accent yet?"
Ludwig looked like he was about to fly off the handle. "Nein, I didn't, you arschloch! I can't help the way I talk!"
"It still sounds stupid," David said mockingly.
"David, shut up," Fox said. She was holding her and David's baby boy, Alex. "Now, come on, dinner's waiting."
Everyone filed into the Xanatos' dining room, which had a big, long table in it. The dinner consisted of a turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, green beans, corn, and biscuits.
Felicyta eyed Fox's outfit: a red, long-sleeved shirt and jeans. "Like, ew, where'd you get those clothes? Wal-Mart?"
"No, David bought them for me at the Gap," Fox said, a little miffed. "And what's wrong with my clothes?"
"They, like, look tacky, that's all," Felicyta said and flipped her hair.
"What's for dessert, old man?" Vash asked as he munched on his food.
"Old?" Xanatos said, clearly offended by what Vash called him. "I'm not old, kid! And you sound funny, too."
Vash opened his mouth and showed Xanatos the contents.
"Gross!" Lili exclaimed, while Osaka appeared to be distracted by eye floaters. "Mommy, Daddy, make Vash stop!"
"Make this guy stop making fun of the way I talk," Vash said defiantly.
Felicyta sighed while Ludwig was having a glaring contest with David, and Gilbert wailed loudly, indicating he wanted to be fed. She fed Gilbert and ignored Ludwig and David.
Fox decided to break the unnerving and awkward silence. "Uh, so, Felicyta…um, where did you and your family move from again?"
"Berlin," Felicyta replied. "We, like, loved it there, but I totally thought that life would be better for our kiddies here."
"Oh," said Fox. "And, if you don't mind me asking, what does Mudgig—I mean, Ludwig, sorry—do again?"
"I'm a cop," Ludwig answered, still in the glaring contest.
"Yeah," said Vash. "And when I grow up, I'm gonna be one, too, so I can catch bad guys!"
"Your accent is still stupid," said David. Owen, Fox, and Felicyta facepalmed, while Lili covered her eyes.
"Oh, yeah?" Ludwig yelled at the top of his lungs. "How would you like some potatoes in your stupid face?" He threw mashed potatoes at David, but accidentally hit Alex instead.
Alex started crying.
"You totally nailed the baby!" Felicyta exclaimed.
Fox went over to Alex and picked him up to try and comfort him. "There, there, Alex, it's alright. Mudgig didn't mean to hit you with the food." She wiped the potatoes off her son.
"I hate your ponytail!" Ludwig yelled at David, this time hitting him with some green beans.
"Well, I hate Germany! How do you like that, huh?" David exclaimed, throwing a turkey leg at Ludwig. It hit Lili instead, and Lili started crying.
"Mommy, Daddy, he hit me!" Lili said, tears streaming down her face.
"Jak, jak śmiesz, ty sukinsynu?" Felicyta yelled at David. She picked up the gravy, marched over to David, and poured the gravy in David's lap.
"GAH! This was one of my good pairs of pants!" David whined.
"Oh, that is it!" Fox yelled. She gave Alex to Owen, then advanced after Felicyta. She hit the Pole in the head with the remaining biscuits.
"You hit my baby sister!" Vash yelled at David. He took out his toy gun and fired water at David. "Die, die, die!" He didn't stop until there was a wet spot on David's pants.
"My pants again!" David cried in despair.
"Hey, Mr. Xanatos, you know what it looks like?" Owen asked while Alex pointed at his father's water stain and laughed. "It looks like you wet your—"
"I know, Owen, shut the hell up," said David. He advanced toward Vash, soda bottle at the ready. "You little—!"
Ludwig and Felicyta both came to Vash's defense, while Osaka still sat in her chair, her eyes darting back and forth because of the eye floaters. Lili hid under the table, holding Gilbert, who started crying again. Alex started crying, too, as the fight continued. Owen tried calming him down, but was unable to, and it drove him crazy.
Fox and David fought Ludwig and Felicyta. Finally, David picked Gilbert up from Lili's arms and threw him at the Beilschmidts.
"No, Gilbo!" Lili cried as she watched her little brother wail after being thrown at such a high speed.
"Whoa, he's flying," Osaka said as she eyed her brother.
"Moje dziecko!" Felicyta exclaimed. Luckily, Ludwig had the sense to catch him.
"I'm so sorry, son," Ludwig said gently to the infant. He glared at David. "How dare you use my son as a weapon against me and my wife? Du hurensohn! Ich werde dich töten!" Then he handed Gilbert to Vash. "Vash, take your brother and sisters, and get outta here."
After Ludwig and Felicyta went back to fighting, Vash handed Gilbert to Osaka and Lili. "You girls take care of Gilbo. I'll fight Xanatos." He went to the kitchen, put more water in his gun, then came back. "Go. I'll meet up with you soon."
"But, Vash—" Lili started.
"Go, Lili!" Vash ordered. "Now!" He marched off to "battle", alongside his mother and father. Osaka and Lili tried getting Gilbert out of the crossfire, but all three of them were hit by more turkey and potatoes. They fell to the ground and lay there.
"Yuck!" said Osaka.
"Gross," Lili said. "Ew, we all need baths."
"Ayumu! Lili! Gilbo!" Vash cried when he saw his sibs on the floor. "Noooooooo!" He fired at David and Fox. "Take this!"
"AGH!" David and Fox exclaimed.
Later on, the "battle" came to a stalemate, which meant neither side won. The dining room was a mess, covered in food. Chairs were turned over, and the table was in complete disarray. The Xanatos' and the Beilschmidts were all covered with what used to be a very delicious dinner.
Just then, three gargoyles named Brooklyn, Lexington, and Broadway showed up in the Xanatos' window.
"Hey, what's for breakfast?" Broadway, the ever-hungry one of the trio, asked.
"Breakfast?" Osaka asked. "Don't ya mean dinner?"
"We're gargoyles, so we have breakfast at night," said Lexington.
"Yeah, and we're starving…" Brooklyn said. He stopped talking when he saw the mess in the dining room.
"Whoa, what happened here?" Lexington asked.
"They happened!" the Xanatos' and the Beilschmidts said, pointing fingers at each other.
"Why don't we help you guys clean up, then we'll get food somewhere else tonight?" Brooklyn offered.
"Sure," said David. He glared daggers at Ludwig, Felicyta, and their kids.
"Like, we should go," said Felicyta. She helped her daughters off the floor and took a very dirty and still crying Gilbert in her arms.
"Thanks for nothing, David," Ludwig said curtly. "Bye." He and the family got their coats on. Then he took Vash by the arm and walked out. Felicyta, the girls, and Gilbert followed.
Author's Note: In this story, Ayumu (or Osaka) is Ludwig and Felicyta's adopted daughter. They adopted her from Japan when she was about 3-6 months old.
Ich konnte an die Bar gegangen sind mit den Jungs von der Kraft, heute Abend nach meiner Schicht, statt zu dummen reiche Davids Haus, mit seinen dummen reiche Frau, und ihre dummen reiche Möbel- I could've gone to the bar with the guys on the force tonight after my shift, instead of stupid rich David's house, with his stupid rich wife, and their stupid rich furniture (German)
Co to było, Lui?- What was that, Lui? (Polish)
Arschloch- Asshole (German)
Jak, jak śmiesz, ty sukinsynu?- Like, how dare you, you son of a bitch? (Polish)
Moje dziecko!- My baby! (Polish)
Du hurensohn! Ich werde dich töten!- You son of a bitch! I'll kill you! (German)