A/N: Oneshots (again!) This one in my head thanks to tonight's SPECTACULAR episode! Before we get started, I would like to alert you guys that this is SPOILER HEAVY! IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN "MOLON LABE" YET THEN DO NOT READ THIS UNTIL AFTER YOU'VE SEEN IT! This is a reaction fic. I loved Lourdes' emotion at the end, this sort of bitter sadness and anger. We saw her almost enraged which was quite the opposite. I was expecting tearful sadness but we have this bitter, disillusioned emptiness instead, which I kind of like better. So I've decided to do a reaction fic. Let me know what you think? Beware the language! Lourdes is not a happy camper!
Brace yourself like a man! I will question you and you shall answer me!—Job 40:7
She refused to cry. She refused it. There wasn't sadness inside her heart. It was much, much worse. This hollow feeling, this empty, numb feeling that convinced her she was only living as a shell. There was nothing inside anymore, just grief and anger.
Anger because of this whole goddamned situation she'd found herself in. She should never have gotten her hopes up because hopes only exist to be dashed. How could she illusion herself into thinking that God even had a place in this world anymore? He'd abandoned her long ago, that was apparent. He'd abandoned her the moment He took her family. She was just too blind to see it, a stupid little girl that held her head up, smiled, and honestly believed everything would be okay.
And all she could remember was holding Jamil's head as he died, that desperate, desperate hope that he was going to pull through. She had been praying then, too. God, please don't let him die. Please. I need him. Of course, there was never an answer to that prayer. Because there's no one up there to answer you.
If God had ever existed, these aliens had killed Him too, just like they'd killed Jamil. It was such a horrible, horrible death to behold. Why? The only question resonating in her mind. Why? Why did this have to happen to someone like him? Someone who was so optimistic and caring and nurturing and protective? Why to the last man on Earth that she still had and loved? She was naïve. Had she honestly believed that she was going to make it all the way to Charleston with him? Had she honestly believed that they would be together forever, start a family? Stupid, that's what you were. Sooner or later they were all going to die. Every single damn person in this unit was going to die. It was just a matter of time. Tom was going to die. Hal was going to die. Ben and Matt, Maggie, Captain Weaver, Dai, Anthony, Pope…all of them were going to die sooner or later. And so would Anne. And so would she. All that was left to do was wait.
But why did she have to know the pain of life without Jamil? It was such a selfish thought, but she wished she was in his place, gone instead. Because then, then at least she wouldn't have to know, wouldn't have to carry on day by day with this emptiness inside of her, this lack of feeling, this indescribable grief that rendered her numb and weak.
What was the point of even carrying on? There was no one to carry on for. And Anne may be optimistic enough to believe that everyone here needed their help and that was enough but she wasn't. Not anymore. Fuck it. What was the point? Life…life was short, fleeting. Here she was, not even twenty yet and on the brink of death. Just a matter of time.
Bad things happening to good people. That was a familiar theme. Hundreds of years ago, they would have said that those people had evil inside of them. Ten years ago…no one year ago they would have said that no matter how bad things got, there was always an upside, a bright side, a beautiful tomorrow. And now…well bad things were happening to good people because dammit bad things were happening to everyone. And why should she be excluded? She was just as deserving of this as everyone else. The things she'd done and failed to do…and did she really believe that any amount of prayer and hope and invoking the name of a God who rejected humanity…did she really believe any of that bullshit was going to make it go away? Ease her burden any? You were such a freaking idiot, Lourdes.
She wasn't sure how many times she'd checked the patients' blood pressure and heartbeats, only that she needed to be doing something to keep her busy. These people still needed help. But then again so did Jamil. And she had failed at that.
By the time afternoon rolled around and they were ready to start moving for Charleston again she was back on her bunk, staring out the window, missing him. She hadn't even had time for a proper burial, had betrayed him that one final time by leaving his body there in the basement for those godforsaken monsters to feed off of. She hated them. She hated those creatures. Her jaw clenched and unclenched, her hands trembling as unfamiliar emotions washed over her.
Curled on her side, she finally fell asleep, her hands still balled tightly into fists. It was a deep, dreamless sleep, like being in a coma. She wished that were the case, that she could just stay in that void forever and not have to awaken to the reality she now faced alone. But awaken she did, and the bus was still moving and the sun was going down. There was something left on the pillow next to her head. She smelled the scent of leather and her hand tightened around the soft cover of a book. She pulled it closer, squinting in the darkness to see what it was.
The golden lettering on the spine startled her. Holy Bible. She resisted all the urge inside of her to take that book and hurl it as far as she could. There was a paper stuck into one section and she fingered the thin, fragile pages carefully as she flipped to it. And there, glaringly obvious, she read 'The Book of Job.'
The memories flooded her. The Book of Job. Bad things happening to good people. God had tested Job's faith by taking his children, taking his home, taking his health. Just like God tested me. And she'd failed the test miserably, had lost all hope and all faith. Anne knew that, Anne picked that chapter out for a reason. "I'm sorry," Lourdes whispered softly. She let the leather cover fall shut, let her forehead fall against the pillow, hot tears suddenly spilling forth. "I'm sorry."
A/N: Faith is going to be a challenge for her now, I think that's obvious. But I can't help drawing parallels between her plight and that of Job in the book of Job. (I'm a Catholic school boy, if that weren't obvious). I apologize to the faithful readers who may have felt Lourdes' accusations against God were a bit 'heavy.' And I apologize to all my readers of different faiths or who are not religious who may have taken some offense to the religious subtext. But ultimately I'm here to tell a good story and I hope that this was good. Please review and let me know?