July 21st, 2012, Saturday
9:00 PM
"When Hell Freezes Over" - A Shrek Fanfic


The tears were warm, bitter, and righteous; however they were less righteous than the anger that raged within her - an anger that was barely contained.

She was ready.

His story had never been told. Not entirely. Not to anyone - except her.

His stepmother had always known, of course. She was in on it.

The love of Rapunzel's life had been hiding a past of unsavory lies, corrupt destruction, and fueled venom. His true parents were the first King and Queen; and quite shortly after retirement, had been replaced - by Queen Lillian and King Harold. The time between the switch of monarchs had lasted only a few moments. Far Far Away would have been ravaged if the time limit had lasted any longer. But, as her thoughts had so often pondered, it would have been, once again, righteous.

Charming's parents faked three deaths that following night - theirs, and his. Nothing left to see of them but a realistic and horrible aftermath of what the entire town began to believe. But how could they not believe it? Charming and both of his parents had vanished. It was successful, until a fateful night during which a fellow escapee had literally stumbled into his life. She took pity on him and adopted him, claiming him as her own child. She had saved his life; and in return, he ran all of her errands - simple and difficult; tolerable and just downright unpleasant. They formed an immaculate bond; assisting each other in private and in public. She taught him how to wield swords, and gave him whatever he wanted. If ability couldn't do the trick; power and magic certainly did. Charming grew into an enchanting prince. Handsome, fortunate, and adored. But as he continued aging from a teenager into an adult; his responsibilities changed, and with it, his entire life. His own desires were placed second; replaced with duty. He was to find a princess whose social status was equal to his own.

For years, Charming had lusted after the fiery redheaded princess whose tower he could not access. His powers were now limited because of his new duties; and wielding a sword would be futile and ineffective against the fire-breathing dragon that guarded her tower. Charming never could understand why her parents would lock her away and use such a creature to keep her there. After all, did they not love her? Why would they do such a thing? Perhaps they just wanted to see how long it would take for someone to rescue her - or if she would rescue herself. Of course, the outcome, either way, must have been about her quality as a wife; and who she would attract in the process. Charming never in one million years suspected the horrible curse laid upon the young woman; but surprisingly, that didn't stop his desires. He eventually convinced his mother to force Fiona to fall in love with him: she would consume a drink infected with a potion. But plans turned horribly wrong when her father slipped Fiona the wrong tea in order to save her current marriage. Yes, indeed; she had found another ogre to spend the rest of her life with. Oh, they were perfect for each other! Rapunzel knew it just as well as they did. After all, who else could relate to Fiona like Shrek? They completed each other. But Charming wanted what Charming wanted; and because he was a prince, nothing else mattered.

He had witnessed the plan backfire at the celebration. He hadn't wanted to attend - but social protocol made it a requirement. To further bribe her stepson into going; the Fairy Godmother agreed to his demands, concocting the potion that would make Fiona fall in love with him. Unfortunately, because King Harold wouldn't hear of it; Fiona ended up bashing his head into hers and knocking him out - an action that startled the guests and further aggravated the problem. The Fairy Godmother was so enraged about the pesty king getting in her way that she turned her powers against Shrek; using her magic wand in an attempt to harm or even kill him. However, the king once again wouldn't stand idly by; and he deflected the blow by jumping between Shrek and the Fairy Godmother; wearing a suit of armor.

Charming's mother-in-law had been killed immediately; exploding into thin air with a flash of brilliant purple light and bubbles. Charming had told Rapunzel that he soon left the celebration, quite early, in a wreck of emotions. It took the death of Fiona's father to locate him. King Harold's death made the news; and Charming was motivated to take what should have been his the day his parents retired. Once again a fellow escapee shortly stumbled into his life; and she was just the right person he needed to accomplish the job. At first, that was all he wanted her for - to get the job done. However, fate had other plans. He soon fell in love with Rapunzel; and the pair began sneaking around together; careful to make sure that no one saw them - especially him. The next time anyone sighted him was during his attack on Far Far Away; and following suit was his backup. But he wasn't successful this time, and he was soon killed.

Rapunzel was now in a place of sheer terror. Terror, and rage. A dangerous mix. A fatal combination. And she had two options - seek help and eventually reenter Fiona's life; or continue down the same path and declare war, for which she was ready.

Right then and there, Rapunzel knew what she had to do.

After all, continuing down the same path was considerably faster. She wouldn't have to take precious time and make special effort to regain back the trust of her friends, the kingdom, and the town. And in any case, this was a chance to avenge her beloved.

As the thoughts swam around in her mind; the anger rose to the surface; and something inside Rapunzel was changed and reborn.

And it was utterly and completely lethal.


Fiona hadn't been waiting very long when her mother spoke. "Normally when people want something enough to approach a queen, Fiona, they tend to speak of it."

"I'm sorry." Fiona approached her mother. "Look. Mom. Um...Okay, first off, I'm not...human. Not really. And second off, you are! And it's not like I hate having you here; because I don't. I love it. But...I mean, come on; this isn't the place for you! You belong in Far Far Away."

"I wouldn't belong anymore." The Queen finally faced her daughter; and Fiona was heartbroken to see the look of sadness on her mother's face. "I am not a queen. I have no husband."

"That's okay," Fiona soothed. "You can get a nice, cozy little house all to yourself. Do whatever you want."

"I want nothing more than to be with my family," Lillian reasoned.

"Artie's family," Fiona replied. "I don't hear you talking about him."

"That, my dear, is because Artie is king. I can't comment about his patience; but I'm positive he would not have the time to worry about an aging aunt. I am better off here." The Queen studied her daughter's face and followed her instincts. "Why the sudden change of heart, Fiona?"

Fiona sighed and rubbed at her forehead. "Because...well...Because Artie wrote me yesterday and...he says he misses us."

"I miss him too, Fiona. If you write him back, be sure to mention that - but I simply cannot live there again. There would be too many awful memories."

"Memories don't leave simply because we do, Mom. They're not with our houses; they're with us!"

"I'm aware of that. But your father would not want me to grieve; and I grieve less if I'm not looking at the house we had." Fiona opened her mouth to say something, but the Queen continued over her daughter's words. "If you truly enjoyed having me, you would have no trouble letting this go."

Fiona shut her mouth.

The Queen smiled and spoke in a softer voice. "As I said, Artie's priorities are different now. We would barely get to see him. You know that, right?"

Fiona managed a hesitative nod. At that precise moment; Shrek's voice drifted across the swamp, calling Fiona's name.

Lillian smiled sadly; an action that made her appear even older. "I believe your people need you."

Fiona turned, took three steps, and stopped. She looked expressionlessly over at her mother. "We are not people." And she turned and shuffled toward the opposite end of the swamp; dragging her feet as though she were dragging the world by her ankles. Lillian watched her daughter's languid retreat to the situation that awaited her; where Donkey, Puss in Boots, Shrek and Dragon had been playing outside with all the children.

As Fiona approached Shrek, he pointed excitedly to Felicia. "Look, she's walking!"

Fiona looked down at the only girl in the set of triplets to whom she had given birth. All the children had learned to speak much faster than they had learned to walk. Apparently today was their day.

When Shrek looked back at Fiona; she simultaneously looked back at him. Their gazes locked. "You okay?" Shrek asked tentatively.

"I'm homesick."

"This is home."

Fiona nodded, shrugging. "Okay, let me rephrase that. I miss my first home."

"Oh. Well...We could always just...visit."

Fiona looked away. "Mom wouldn't fit in..."

"Oh, and we would?" Shrek barked a little laugh. "I suppose our talking cat and donkey are just your average, run-of-the-mill kind of guys."

Fiona smiled.

"Hey, I resent that, man; I am unique!" Donkey trotted past them. "There ain't no ass like this ass. Yeah, baby!"

This time Fiona's laughter joined Shrek's; and she looked up at him, eyes sparkling. "Well..."

"Hey, come on! Other people do it all the time," Shrek urged. "Besides, I think it would be good for the kids."

Fiona took a deep breath to once again declare that ogres are not people; but Shrek's quick kiss stopped the moment to define their kind. "I'll be right back," he said; the last word pretty much a whisper. He brushed past her; leaving Fiona to think about a visit. A change of pace, rather than relocation. Hmm. Could work.

Fiona looked over her shoulder and was surprised to find Shrek approaching Lillian. Don't worry, she told herself. If he can charm me right into a marriage; he can convince her to visit her hometown. Fiona watched the scene; unable to hear but perfectly capable of seeing. Lillian spun around to face Shrek, and she spoke immediately. Paused. Looked over at Fiona. Said something...Smiled. Shook her head. Uh-oh.

Shrek turned to stand beside Lillian so they could both look at Fiona from where they stood. He gestured right at Fiona, and Lillian shook her head again. Then Shrek spoke, walking away; and she hurried after him, touching his arm. He stopped and turned back to face her, and she spoke; and then Shrek turned and jogged back toward Fiona; leaving Lillian to pace anxiously in his dust.

"What was that all about?" Fiona asked; when Shrek was within hearing range.

"It's all settled! You pick a date and we go."

"Tomorrow," Fiona said immediately.

Dragon, who'd been listening in; sat up straight and made a weird noise; broadcasting it over the entire swamp. Donkey, who was by then right in front of Lillian; turned and said, "She says we leave tomorrow."

"You understood that?"

"Of course!" Donkey's smile was, as usual, big and bright.

"Oh. Okay..." Lillian sighed and resumed pacing. Then she stopped, standing still and staring at the little home in the swamp. "I have so much to do to get ready." She sighed and hurried toward the wooden home built within the hollow tree trunk.

"So much to do...So much like what..." Donkey muttered as he began walking back to his friends. "So much like gettin' in the carriage...'Course, as a male I don't understand women stuff. Always preparation, not enough haulin' ass. Always layin' out the tracks when there's not even no train, that's what they do."

Okay, so here is my first chapter! Feel free to comment!