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Title: Better than Pie Outtakes

Author: Savanna van Smutsmut

Rating: M

Warnings: Very funny, you should potty first.

Beta: Dollybigmomma

Summary: Several outtakes for Better than Pie. Starting from when Edward was born all the way up to chapter 24 where they give up the puppies.


Emmett at age 10, Edward as a newborn…


Momma and daddy were coming home with a new baby today. It was my brother. We had been talking about it for some time. Momma had been getting big and her stomach would move. When I asked her how the baby got in there, she said God gave her a special seed to grow in her tummy. I had heard if you ate watermelon seeds that they would grow in your tummy. I think it was something like that.

I waited with my babysitter even though I wasn't the baby. I watched as the car pulled around and I ran to the front door. Daddy had his arm around momma and she was walking slowly. She looked like she hurt. He led her to a chair where she sat funny.

"Would you like to see your brother, Emmett? This is little Edward. He's going to be your best friend."

I looked at him, trying to figure out how he got out. Momma moved on the chair, looking like she was in pain. It was then that I finally figured it out. When you eat something, even a special seed, you would eventually have to poop it out. From the size of him, I would say momma spent a while on the toilet doing a lot of straining to get him out.

I leaned in and sure enough, I could smell something bad. Momma had definitely pooped this baby out.

"Do you want to hold him?" daddy asked.

I shook my head no. "He's stinky," I said wrinkling my nose. I hoped they gave him a bath soon, with lots of soap, he really needed it.

My daddy was laughing and pulled me to the kitchen. "Momma will take care of the stinky part for now. Let's get some cookies and you tell me what you think of your brother."

"Is he always going to smell bad?"

"No, he'll smell good, especially after a bath, just like you smell good after a bath."

"Did I smell like poop when I was a baby?"

He smiled big at me, "Sometimes you did. That's what diapers are for. They catch poop and we can clean up the baby so it doesn't smell like poop."

I looked at him confused; didn't he smell like poop because he came out of momma's poop hole? "Did you give him a bath?" I asked.

"Yes, he was cleaned up after he was born in the hospital."

I nodded, finally understanding. That must be why he didn't smell like poop all the time. At least I hoped he wouldn't smell like it all the time. It was going to be hard to be around him if he did since he was supposed to grow up to be my best friend.

The next couple of days, things didn't look good. He always seemed to smell bad and momma and daddy were always walking off with him to clean him up. I wondered if they were trying to keep Edward being pooped out a secret. I heard that parents didn't like talking about where babies came from. I could understand why, momma and daddy really didn't like talking about their poop and Eddie had to have been a really big poop. No wonder momma was still sitting funny.

Edward at four, Emmett at fourteen…

ELIZABETH (Edward and Emmett's mom)

I walked through the back gate into Esme's yard. What I was about to ask her was going to be difficult, but I knew she would do it. She met me outside her back door and frowned when she saw my worried look. "What is it, Lizzy? What's going on? Is it Emmett?"

I could only nod and then fell apart. She loved my boys as much as I did and I struggled to tell her the news. "His kidneys are failing. He needs a transplant. Ed and I are scheduled to be tested to see if we're a match."

"Carlisle and I will go in to be tested as well. I'm sure one of us will be able to help."

Like the sweet wonderful friends they were, they made appointments to be tested the same time as my husband and I.

The doctor came out with a worried look.

"Well, did you find a match?" Ed advanced on him quickly. I was sure that he would yank the file out of the doctor's hands if he didn't answer quickly.

"I did, there is a match," he answered.

"What's wrong?" Carlisle asked. We weren't the only ones that picked up that something was wrong.

"Mrs. Masen is the match, but I found that the kidney in question to be donated is functioning at a minimal level. I don't think it would take at the state it's in."

"No, what do you mean? Both of my kidneys are bad now?" I was crumbling.

"No, not bad," he looked down at my file. "It says here that you've had two pregnancies. The second one was well after the age of thirty. That pregnancy was very hard on your body, Mrs. Masen, leaving one of your kidneys barely functioning. It doesn't really affect you because you have one perfectly good one…"

"Give it to him."

"What?" The doctor was surprised that I would give my son my one good kidney. Obviously, he didn't have children.

My husband pulled me tightly into his arms. He knew that he couldn't change my mind. "How long will I live after the transplant?"

The doctor rubbed his face, "It's hard to say. If you follow a very strict diet and are willing to have dialysis, we could see about getting you a transplant, but the risk of the donation is going to be very hard on your body as it is. With your remaining kidney functioning questionably, we won't be able to give you a lot of the medications used to help ease the pain and get you through this."

"I don't care, you have to do it."

My husband squeezed my hand; there were tears in his eyes. I knew he was torn between choosing me or our son and he knew I would not back down.

"I'm going to need you to sign a waiver," the doctor informed me. When I signed it, there was no question in my mind that I was doing the right thing.

It was the day before the operation. Esme came over, twisting her fingers like she did when she was nervous. She didn't say anything, just threw her arms around me. "I'm worried if things don't go well that Edward will fall apart," I cried.

"I think we all will," Esme sniffled.

"I need you to hold it together, Esme. I need you to take care of my boys if this doesn't work. Junior is just a baby. He's going to need someone." I couldn't stop the tears. The thought of leaving my boys hurt so badly. "Promise me that you'll take care of them like they're your own."

"I already consider them my own, Lizzy, you know that."

I squeezed her tighter. I hoped this operation worked. I prayed that we would make it out and have a long happy life together. I wanted to see my sons grow up and be the men I knew they would be. I just hoped I would survive long enough to see that happen.


My little brother was weird. I had been to the park. Kids were supposed to run around and play. They were supposed to laugh and get messy. Momma even made me a messy room to play and paint in. She said that her boys needed to be boys.

I had to stay inside more lately because I was sick. I was in the hospital for a long time, but mom promised it would be alright, and then I had an operation. Momma stayed in bed with me for a long time. We both slept a lot. She said that it was because our bodies were doing their best to be strong. But I worried that she wasn't getting better.

That was the other reason for the inside messy room. She liked to sit and watch me play with my brother, but he wasn't any fun. He didn't like getting messy.

I would paint and play with play dough, but he didn't like finger paints because they made his hands yucky and he would get upset. He didn't like play dough because he said it felt weird and smelled bad. I just shook my head, thinking of how bad he used to smell. I was glad when he got potty trained and that poop smell finally started to go away.

He just liked to play blocks, and not in a fun way. He would just stack them up as high as he could, but he wouldn't knock them down. I didn't understand why. He would make lots of towers and then name them different things. He liked to make tall houses for momma. She finally got the Lego kind of blocks that stuck together so if I bumped them on accident, he could just stand it back up without pitching a fit.

Momma and daddy thought it would be good for both of us if I would read to him. He was always a party pooper. I wanted to jump on the bed once they closed the door and he said he would tell on me if I didn't read his book.

Even when we played in the back yard, he wouldn't play catch and didn't like to swing high on the swings. He would just sit there, dragging his feet on the ground.

"Momma, Edward is weird," I whined. "You told me he'd play with me when he grew up, but he just builds things and stays clean," I huffed.

Momma pulled me into her arms. She gave the best hugs. "Emmett, you two are going to grow up some day, and when you do, it's important for you to stay with Edward." I frowned; I didn't want to stay with him. At first, he smelled like poop, and now he was just a party pooper. "Listen to me, Emmett," she said grabbing my chin, "You and Edward are just the perfect brothers for each other. Edward is a very serious boy, and you're so fun and relaxed. It's important that you help him have fun and he'll help you know how to be a gentleman."

I pouted.

"Watch out for birds; that lip is just asking for it," she said tapping my chin. I smiled at her as she hugged me tight. "There'll come a time when you'll only have each other, honey, and he's really going to need you. Just remember that," she said kissing my head. I promised to stay with Edward and always take care of him. Maybe I could teach him to have some fun.

Edward at age 16…


I was getting tired of having to do family crap left and right. That was all my parents seemed to want to do these days. Who really wanted to sit around and play cards? It was stupid, especially since it was usually something dumb like "Go Fish." I mean come on, I was sixteen and I had a life!

I was thrilled when my parents got me a car, but I hardly got to use it. I drove it to and from school and thankfully we had open campus for lunch, giving me time to enjoy my ride even more, and when I say enjoy, I mean enjoy the attention that the girls gave me for driving it.

"Hey, Edward, what are you doing tonight?" Charlotte asked.

"Hopefully going out with you," I said leaning in and pinning her to the side of my car. I had made out with Charlotte several times this past month and had asked her to go steady with me two weeks ago.

"Are you going to be able to get away?" she looked up at me with anticipation.

"For you, I'll definitely find a way to get out of my house, even if I have to scale down from the second story window," I said leaning in and kissing her lips softly. Her body was pressed tightly against mine. I loved the way it felt. She had touched me a few times and I her since we had started going steady and I was hoping for more this evening.

When I got home, Emmett was sick again. My parents told me to just order takeout, as they would be spending the night at the hospital. He was always in and out of there. I called Charlotte and let her know I was coming to get her. I couldn't wait to have her to myself. I would have brought her back here, but there were too many staff members who would have gladly tattled on me.

She was waiting on the porch when I pulled up. She didn't let me get out of the car to open her door for her. She just jumped in the passenger side door and told me to drive. Her hand was on my leg and she was slowly moving it up higher, closer to where I wanted it.

"Are you hungry?" I asked hoping she would say no.

"Let's hit a drive-thru," she squeezed the top of my thigh again. I had to hang on to the wheel with both hands to keep myself from jumping on top of her in the passenger seat.

I turned into the first fast food joint, not even sure what I ordered and threw the money at the guy as he passed out the bags to us. Charlotte started nibbling on the fries and fed me a few as well, never taking her hand off my thigh.

I finally found the dark road I had been looking for that turned off into a secluded part of the forest. I parked the car, undid my seat belt, and pulled her over into my lap, thankful that she had undone hers as well.

We were kissing like we had several times before when we had made out, but this seemed different. She was rocking against me and threw her shirt off into the passenger seat. She pulled mine up over my head and then opened the car door, confusing me.

"Where…" I started, but she just smiled, telling me to get out.

She opened the back door to my car and kicked off her shoes. She started to wiggle out of her jeans and I would admit I watched her tits jiggle the whole time.

She was standing in front of me in just a tiny bra and panties. They matched. They were red with white stripes. It made me think of candy canes. Christmas was right around the corner and I wondered if this was my Christmas gift.

She stalked over to me, grabbing my belt and pulling me down to her as she undid it. "Take off your shoes," she ordered and I did it because that was what she wanted and my dick ordered me to listen to her. She was kissing me again and her hand found its way into my boxers. She was pumping me up and down and my hand found her tits, pinching them. I felt her wiggle and then her bra loosen. She stepped back and dropped it to the ground. She stood before me completely naked; the moon light was shining on her skin, making it look all soft. I had to touch it. My hand brushed her nipple and she moaned.

"Put your mouth on it. Suck it," she demanded. I wasn't very experienced, but I knew Charlotte was. She knew what she wanted and I was going to give it to her in hopes that she would give me something just as good in return.

She finally walked me back to the car and lay down in the back seat. She crooked a finger at me, telling me to climb in. As I did, her toes caught the edge of my boxers and pushed them down. "Please tell me you have a condom."

I quickly fumbled to the glove box and held up my prize. She snatched it from my hand, rolling the thing on like the expert she was. She shifted her hips more toward me and guided me down to her. I wasn't sure how to do this. Our position seemed so awkward. Her legs wrapped around me and she shoved me inside her.

She was hot and her body was rubbing me on all sides. It was like a perfect hand job, covering me all over at once. Her body gripped me, but not too hard. She said something about me being big, but I was too focused on the feel of her to listen to anything she said.

I came grunting and collapsed on her. She let out a sigh. I wasn't sure if it was good or bad. She reached into the front seat and grabbed her purse. She had a mini pack of baby wipes and pushed me out of the car. She wiped herself off and then helped me get the condom off and cleaned me up. She had just tossed it into the forest, but I held my tongue about littering. I wasn't going to do anything to screw this up.

"Well, that was fast. Do you have any more condoms to see if you can make it up to me?"

Fact was I had a whole box in the car. I nodded yes and she smiled. "Good boy, you go fetch them and meet me on the hood of the car."

I did as she said because I wanted to feel the most perfect hand job in the world again, or pussy job. It seemed each position she introduced me to was more awkward than the next. I was definitely not a sex expert, but when we broke up two months later, I felt pretty confident in my newly-earned sexual prowess. The next girl I dated, Camilla, definitely benefited from Charlotte's patience and instruction.

Seth and Bella, age 12 and 12 ½ because those few months make a big difference at that age…


Dad was working late again. Sue had picked both Seth and I up from school. I swear I had to wave my arms like I was landing a plane to get his attention away from Emily. She was standing across the playground and I literally was jumping up and down in front of him before he looked at me.

"Your mom is here, butthead, let's go." I trotted off, leaving him to follow and looked back when I heard a thud. He was on the ground next to a crosswalk sign with a big red mark down his face. "Nice move, Dipwad. I'm sure she thinks you're cool now. Girls like scars, right?"

He glared at me. "Oh, just shut up."

I snickered at him and his mom just shook her head at us. She knew about his obsession with Emily. I think that was why she was okay with us hanging out so much.

"Can we have a movie night since it's Friday?" I asked.

I could see his mom thinking about it. She had been more hesitant about letting Seth spend the night since she helped me buy a bra, but really, it wasn't much of a bra and Seth wasn't interested in my boobs anyway.

"Seth, what do you think?"

"What are we gonna watch?" he grumped.

I punched his shoulder, "If you stop acting like moody old Mrs. Dowel, I'll let you pick."

He rolled his eyes, "Whatever."

"Well, do you want to go to Bella's to watch a movie tonight?" Sue asked him again.

"Fine, whatever," he sighed. Yup, he was the perfect annoying little brother. He picked out some stupid action movie about a bomb on a bus. I lay in bed, throwing a piece of popcorn at him every time they mentioned how fast or slow the bus was going. It took him eight kernels to finally figure it out. He just shoved me off the bed. I promptly whacked him in the face with my pillow. The jerk gave me a noogie. I spent the rest of the evening trying to untangle my hair.

When the movie was over, I got in bed and then shoved him off it, laughing as he hit the floor with a thud. "Payback for kicking me off my bed," I said holding my pillow at the ready. He gripped his pillow tightly in his hand glaring at me, but finally decided he wanted to live, or maybe sleep safely.

He flopped down next to me, "accidentally" elbowing me in the gut. I may have kicked him in the shin. We did finally settle down and go to sleep.

The next morning, I woke to Seth and I both being sideways, of course in different directions. I had one leg over his butt and the other under his stomach. He had his hand on my almost-boob and my hand was under his head catching drool. I pulled that hand out and wiped it on his shoulder. He shifted on the bed squinting at me.

"What did you wipe on me?"

"Your drool," I said pushing his hand off my boob. He rolled out from between my legs and fell off the bed, making me laugh. I hung my head over the edge of the bed, "That was a smooth move."

He just lay there looking exasperated. I hopped off the bed, grabbing my robe. "I'm hitting the shower," I said slipping out, leaving the fool on the floor.

When I was done with my shower, I opened my bedroom door and found Seth on the bed with his hand under the blanket. I saw it moving a couple of times before he could pull it out and act all innocent.

"Dude, that's gross. Do your Emily-inspired playtime in the shower. If I catch you doing it in my bed one more time, I'm telling your mom. I'm not washing nasty sheets again, man."

He turned bright red and ran to the bathroom. I really didn't want to know what he was doing in there so I just busied myself getting dressed and eating breakfast. I needed to make some rules about this bed issue.

Bella and Seth at age 16…


Seth finally got up the nerve to ask Emily out. It only took the fool four years to do it. She seemed pretty cool and didn't mind me tagging along now and again. She kept trying to set me up with this guy, Terrance, but I couldn't date a guy that reminded me of a fancy balcony.

Of course, things got a little heated today when I brought Seth his socks. "Dude, you kicked your socks off in your sleep again. I don't need you stinking up my bed with your nasty feet," I complained as I passed him his socks. I had washed them because there was no way I would carry that toxic waste out in public. I would be arrested for holding a weapon of mass destruction.

"His socks were in your bed?" Emily asked confused.

"Yeah, he spent the night like he always does when my dad works late," I shrugged. I didn't see why it was a big deal. He was basically only there to call 911 if a mass murderer kidnapped me, or point the firemen in the right direction to save me if the house was burning down. You know, basic friend stuff.

"You do this a lot?" she asked him.

I could see him squirm; he must have picked up on something that I didn't. "Yeah, just to keep her safe. It was our parent's idea."

It really wasn't, it was ours and we formulated it when we were eight and his mother made sure to teach us CPR before she would allow it. I thought it was stupid until I was tossing popcorn into my mouth and had a piece fall too far back in my throat, lodging itself in my windpipe, giving Seth some real-life Heimlich experience.

"But you share a bed?" It didn't sound like her normal voice.

"Yeah, why, do you think he should sleep on the floor? Duh, of course he sleeps in the bed."

"Seth, I need to speak to you for a moment."

Okay, I could tell she was totally overreacting.

Seth came back over looking worse for wear. "Um, you think it'd be okay if she spent the night with us on Wednesday, when your dad works late again?"

I shrugged, "Sure, I don't see a problem. Just don't tell your mom because she'd totally freak."

I had to admit we had fun like we always did, and when it came time to sleep, I was cool with Emily sleeping between us. Of course, that made for a much more entertaining morning.

I woke with Emily's back half on me and my arm under her head. That wouldn't seem so bad except I had my hand on her boob. Seth had his back against her, half on her, and his head on my hand as usual. Not so bad, but Emily had her hand on his dick and a leg thrown over him so one of his hands was holding her butt.

If we all woke startled at once and pulled away, I was sure things would've been fine, but as it was, I woke up slowly, wondering what that squishy thing in my hand was. My eyes were still closed as I was trying to figure out what stuffed animal I had in my hand by squishing it between my fingers.

Then I heard a gasp next to me. I opened my eyes to find a shocked Emily staring at the hand I had on her squishy boob. "Sorry," I moaned and rolled away.

Of course, I wasn't the only one to moan. We both saw Seth wiggle and breath out Emily's name. Emily glanced down at where her hand was gripping him and yanked it back so fast she smacked me in the face. I guess this shift made Seth happy because he seemed to squeeze her backside hard. She hit him on his chest and climbed over him to get off the bed. Once he released her, his hand moved south on himself. It was my turn to hit him. "I said not in my bed! Keep your pee-pee play to yourself!" He sat up confused which freed up my drool-covered hand, "Really, Seth, must you always drool on my hand?" I grimaced as I wiped it on him. "Get a bib for him when you get married cause that's just gross." I slipped off the bed, grabbing my robe. I pointed to Emily, "No funny stuff, I don't want any nasty goo in my bed," I grimaced and walked out.

I was pretty sure Emily thought I was a lesbian after that, but it didn't matter, she was fine with mine and Seth's relationship from then on.

Edward, shortly after his parents' death…


It had been less than a year ago that I had lost my mother and my father. Less than a year since my life was turned completely upside down. I went from being a boy without a care to a man with huge shoes to fill and more responsibility than I had ever wanted. I felt overwhelmed as I stared at my father's desk. If I didn't put my college degree to work, his business would go under and thousands of people would lose their jobs.

I wanted to curl up and cry in the corner, to mourn the loss of my parents, but I didn't have time for that now. I was pulling out the contents of my parent's safe when I came across several life insurance policies. We weren't poor by any means, but I did not fully understand why we needed so many insurance policies totaling so much. My heart sank as I realized that several of them were for my mother, most of them, actually, and only a quarter of them were for my father. I would need to turn these in to the lawyer so he could settle the accounts.

In the back of the safe was a thick file. It was actually three folders rubber-banded together, all with my mother's name on them. Curious, I pulled them out and sat down on the floor in front of the safe. I started to flip through them, wanting to see my mother, wanting to know my mother better, more than just the twenty-one years I'd had with her.

As I flipped through the pages, I started to become confused. I went back and forth between the files several times until it became clear to me that my mother had been sick for a very, very long time. I couldn't have been more than two years old when it started if I was to go by the dates on these papers. I studied closer and realized that in the beginning, she was not ill but was being tested to be matched. There was a side note with my father's name saying he was not a match, nor was I. An hour later after pouring through the files, it became abundantly clear that my mother had donated a kidney to my brother, Emmett. Her health went downhill after that. She had needed a transplant, but never got it. Her illness wasn't anything I ever noticed as it happened when I was so young and unobservant. I never knew my mother other than the way she had been and she seemed fine in my head.

All the life insurance policies suddenly made sense. They knew she was dying. Both my parents knew and they didn't bother to tell us. They didn't warn us our time with her would be cut short. It explained why my father didn't seem all that surprised when she became gravely ill and was hospitalized. What I thought was his denial was actually acceptance because he already knew she was dying, and the moment she passed, he planned to follow by quickly drinking himself to death, leaving Emmett and me alone to deal with the aftermath.

I threw the files back in the safe and slammed it shut. I paced the room, frustrated and angry, feeling more alone than I had in all my life. I pulled up the cameras and checked on Emmett. He had just gotten home from the hospital after a bad stint of pneumonia. His life was so tentative and fragile itself, and if something happened to him, I would have no other family. I tore off my suit coat and ran to the gym downstairs. I slammed into the punching bag, furious that my parents had planned to leave me like this all along, that my mother wouldn't let me help her fight, that my father wouldn't even try to fight. They both had abandoned us so willingly.

Frustration exploded from my fists, coherent thought left my mind, and all I knew was that I was angry, but I wasn't sure at whom; at my father for loving my mother so much that he wanted to follow her into death, at my mother for loving Emmett so much that she risked her own health and eventually her life, or at Emmett for not warning me about all of it happening. Of course, I knew Emmett was innocent and just as surprised and devastated as I was at the loss of our parents. Their absence had taken a horrible toll on his health and my last surviving family member had been spending the last three months in and out of the hospital, fighting to stay alive while trying to cope with the loss. If I lost him, I would lose everything and I really would be alone.

I screamed, furious with my parents, "How could you leave me like this? You know once he's gone I'll be totally alone!"


I woke up coughing hard. My chest hurt, but I didn't want to go back to the hospital. At least it didn't hurt to breathe anymore. I found my robe and decided to look for Edward. I used to sit with my mom at night when I was sick. I missed her. I hoped that Edward would let me sit with him now. He wasn't in my dad's office where he had been working all day. I missed my dad, too.

As I started down the hall, I heard a thumping noise coming from the gym. It was a little late for a workout. I was almost to the door when I heard Edward scream. I thought he was hurt. When I opened the door, I heard him crying. He was scared he was going to be left alone. I knew I was sick and that I couldn't live a very long time. Edward was a lot younger than me as it was true I probably would die before him, leaving him by himself. I would get to go to heaven with my mom and dad, but he would be stuck here all alone. I needed to find someone for him. I couldn't leave him here alone.

It was a few weeks before I was feeling better, but I had thought of a few ways to find Edward someone to look after him when I was gone. My first thought was to hire a permanent nurse, but I just shook my head. Most nurses didn't like Edward because he wasn't very friendly. I thought of putting an ad out. There were personal ads in the newspaper. I looked up what the stuff meant and I was pretty sure I could put one together saying "man searching for another man to be his best friend." There were lots of those like that in the paper. I knew I was his best friend, but I was okay with being replaced when the time came.

I ended up going through our back gate to Esme's house. She was the closest thing to family we had. It had been several months already of me thinking of how to get someone to take care of Edward and I knew if I told Esme my problem, she would help me.

"I was thinking about putting an ad in the paper saying he wanted another guy for a best friend. I'm sure there are a lot of nice guys that would be able to pull Edward out of the house," I told her.

She seemed to giggle at the idea and took my hand. "Come to the kitchen and let me get you a snack." She pulled out a salad; I didn't know why she thought that was a snack. Salad was what you ate before dinner, but I ate it anyway.

"You know, Emmett, I know just what Edward needs." She leaned across the counter and I leaned in, too, ready to hear the answer, "A good wife."

I was confused for a moment.

"Just consider it. If he had a wife, she would live with you and possibly give him kids so he would have more family. She would really love him just like your mother loved your father. That's what he needs. Not just some silly guy friend that might get mad at him and take off."

"Why would he get mad?"

"Emmett, Edward can be a little hard to deal with sometimes."

I let out a sigh. She was right, Edward was often a butthead, especially lately, but I knew he just missed mom and dad. "Okay, so how do I get him a wife?"

"Leave that to me. I know some single girls I can send his way and see if he's interested in any of them."

"Okay, I hope that works. I want to get him a good wife quick."

She grabbed my hand looking concerned. "Are you sick again, honey? Is there something I can do?"

"No, I'm feeling better. I just want to meet his wife, and then you said they could have kids, I want to meet them before I go, too."

She frowned and then pulled me into a hug. "You leave it to me, sweetheart. We'll get your brother a good wife. I promise."

Edward, blind dating…


Esme was driving me nuts. For some insane reason, she was dead set on me dating. I would admit I'd had a bit of a dry spell, but I had been very busy. I had better things to do than entertain gold-digging socialites. She just wouldn't give up and went as far as making the date for me. I didn't want to stand the girl up so I bucked up and dressed for my first date in years with a woman named Tanya.

I went to the address specified and ended up at some condos that were well known as daddy-keepers. When spoiled rich girls wanted to move out and play big girl, they moved here. I could already see this going south.

I knocked on the door and when a maid answered, I knew I was in trouble. "The missus will be ready in a moment, Sir."

I sat down, checking my watch. Esme had made reservation for us at some nasty French restaurant. I'd eaten there before and it sucked. Don't get me wrong, I liked French food when prepared correctly, but I'd been to France and I could tell you, that chief was not French.

"Well, hello, Edward," the woman I assumed was Tanya attempted to purr at me, "It's so nice to see you again."

I just nodded. I really didn't remember ever meeting her before now. "Shall we go?"

I grabbed the door for her because I would never shame my mother by not being a gentleman. She sauntered past; yes, sauntered. I knew she was going to be trouble. She spent the evening talking about her daddy's money. I suppose she was trying to impress me. The thing was I knew her dad and all about his money. He was a nice man so I could only assume it was her mother that had messed up this girl so badly.

The waiter asked if we would like dessert, and Tanya said she would like it to go as she winked at me. When we finally left the restaurant, she told my driver to take us to my place. I would bet she wanted to case the joint. At least that was what it felt like. I was still polite. I hoped that if I got her plastered, I could shove her into a car and send her home.

She walked into the front door and looked around. Her eyes settled on the painting of Emmett's that now hung over the fireplace. "Why, Edward, this painting is just exquisite. You obviously have wonderful taste. It fits the room perfectly."

"My brother, Emmett, painted it specifically for this room," I said proudly. "He does have a wonderful eye for art and design," I bragged.

She looked at me confused. "Brother?"

"Yes, my older brother, Emmett." I was sure it was common knowledge that I had an older brother even if he wasn't involved in the family business.

It looked like she finally remembered; she smiled widely, "Oh, your retarded brother. That's very sweet of you to support him in his little…" she waved her hand at the painting. I didn't like her demeaning my brother's work. He was a well-recognized artist!

"So where does he live? I assume he's in some kind of institution?"

"No, he lives here with me," I gritted out. If she hadn't been a girl, I would have hit her.

"Oh, Edward, don't be coy. I know you want to be involved in his care."

"His care?" my voice was raising. "If anybody needs caring for in this house, it's you! You're the one living off your daddy's money where Emmett lives off of a legitimate, well-invested inheritance as well as the money he earns from his work!" I flailed my arm toward his painting.

Her lips pursed, "Really, Edward, I don't see why you're being so rude. Okay, he's mentally challenged, not retarded," she sneered condescendingly. "Regardless, everyone knows that you were stuck caring for your brother."

"I'm not stuck with my brother. If anything, he's stuck with me! He's the one that looks after me and I'd never, ever send him to some stupid home because he does just fine on his own!"

"Are you just trying to scare me off or something? Why would you lie and say you wanted to keep him here? Obviously, it wouldn't be safe to have him around when you're married and have children."

"What in the name…" I had to stop myself. I was gripping the back of the couch. It was a good thing it was a heavy one or I might have thrown it at her. "Get out!"

She looked at me shocked and gaping.

"Get out now before I lay hands on you and throw you out! You can wait on the porch for the driver. Just get out of my sight!"

She must have finally believed I was pissed because she scurried out the front door. I took a few deep breaths trying to calm myself, but then I spotted her damn dessert. I grabbed it and threw it out the front door at her, splattering chocolate all down her dress, and then I slammed the door. I was sure I would hear from Esme about that, but I didn't give a shit. There was no way in hell I would ever have any part of that Tanya bitch in my house again.

Emmett, wife hunting…


The last couple of dates didn't work out for Edward. I knew Esme was trying, but the girls she picked were just not nice. I decided to look on the internet. You usually could find whatever you wanted on there.

I found a site that was called Good Wife dot com. That was exactly what I was looking for. It talked about what a good wife was and then had links to Asian, Latin, and Russian mail-order brides. I decided to go with Russian because I didn't think I ever saw Edward date someone that wasn't blonde. I added the Russian mail-order bride site to my favorites list and then decided to look some more.

That was when I found the site of a local girl. It would be so much easier not to have to deal with paying all that postage for her and then teach her English. This local girl had a silly auction thing, but it wasn't for money. You checked off what you would be willing to do for her and what you would request in return.

I went down her list, reading it carefully.

Pay college tuition, check.

Pay for school books, check.

Pay for school supplies, check.

Pay for health care, double check, well, I couldn't double check because it just unchecked it so I had to triple check it.

Supply a separate bedroom, check.

Supply a study space, check.

Cover all living expenses, check. That was just a silly question, who would want to pay for dying expenses?

Transportation, duh, how would she get to school? Check.

Car insurance, I was pretty sure the cars we had were insured, if not, I could do it, so check that, too.

Supply clothing, check.

Non-smoker, check.

No allowance.

Small allowance, $100 a month.

Medium allowance, $300 a month.

Large allowance, $500 a month. I checked large allowance because large was always the best.

Severance package providing room, board, and living expenses for the first year after I graduate from school. I had already said we would give her a room and living expenses so I just checked yes again. I guess she just wanted to be sure she wouldn't have to live in my tree house.

Then there was a second section called what you want.

Cooking, nah, we had a cook. Skip.

Cleaning, we had a maid. Skip.

Car maintainer, wasn't that what the driver did? Skip.

Hold a part-time job, why would she do that when she was going to school? Skip.

Hold a full-time job, well, that was even sillier. Mom always said it was important to focus on our schoolwork. Skip.

Marital relations, okay, I didn't think her doing karate was important. I certainly didn't want her beating anyone up. Besides, we had a security system for that. Skip.

Dress to certain specifications, I wasn't sure what that was, but I already marked that we would give her clothes so I skipped this one, too.

Personal waitress, again, if we went to a restaurant, I didn't think they would let her be a waitress unless she worked there and she shouldn't work and go to school. Skip.

Then there was a section at the bottom to leave a comment. I looked over the stuff I had checked and what I didn't and felt satisfied. I decided to leave a comment for her, hoping she would pick us.

You need a bigger allowance. I would like to date you.

I put that last bit in because I was pretending to be Edward. He was a good brother, so I knew she would like him. She had to.

Bella, picking her husband…


I went down the list, most didn't ask much of me and gave me most of what I wanted. There was only one that wanted to give me everything and wanted nothing in return. I was nervous about the whole thing because he said I needed a bigger allowance and wanted to date me. I wasn't sure that was a good idea, but it sounded less fishy than the guy who checked everything I wanted and then checked yes to marital relations and that he wanted me as his personal waitress and to dress to certain specifications. I shuddered at the thought of what those specifications could have been.

I had put in a couple of questions just to help weed out the creeps. That one about being a personal waitress and the marital relations one made me really question things. I was surprised that this yodeling guy didn't ask for any of them when most asked for at least one thing in return.

He was also the only one that agreed to the severance package. It would be to help me get on my feet, but I was curious as to why he would offer me so much and want nothing in return. This made me worried so I invited him to dinner and kept my pepper spray at hand. This guy I had to meet.

Emmett, getting ready as Edward…


She said I had won and she wanted to meet me for dinner. I knew I couldn't tell Edward because this was just the type of thing that got my internet blocked. He thought I didn't know it was him, but I knew it was.

I put on my best suit and looked at myself, combing my hair back. I was a pretty good looking guy and my hair was awesome. I wondered if I could marry her and then tell her that I was Edward's brother and she was really married to him.

I decided to try and make Edward faces. He always did that one-eyebrow-raised thing. I laughed when I did it and said hello to myself in the mirror. Pretty smooth, but it looked silly, even to me.

I practiced my walk so I looked like him, but decided it looked too stiff. I did a couple of other walks and after my cowboy walk and gangster walk, I decided it was just best to walk like myself.

"Hello, I'm Edward," I said with an eyebrow raise. I giggled, it still looked silly.

I tried it with a French accent, because girls liked French stuff. I couldn't say it without flipping my hair a little and it messed it up. My hair was too awesome to be messed up.

"I'm Masen, Edward Masen," I said holding a fake gun like James bond. That was funny, but I kind of liked it.

It was almost time to leave so I gave myself a final pep talk. I was Edward tonight and I was going to be smooth and handsome. I would get the girl for him. She would like me just as much as she would like Edward. Like he said, we Masen men were awesome.

As I rode up the elevator to her little apartment, I started to worry this was a trap. This place was scary. When I stepped out of the Elevator, a big bug went under my foot and I was pretty sure a mouse ran down the hall. It sounded like someone was fighting a little ways down and I hoped it wasn't where I was supposed to go.

I was relieved to find the door with the number I needed and it seemed to be quiet.

"I'm Edward tonight, I'm Edward, and I'm handsome," I said to myself as I knocked. I laughed a little, being Edward was fun.

The girl from the website answered the door and smiled at me. She didn't seem scary at all.

"My name's Bella, what's yours?" she asked.

"I'm Edward tonight, I like being Edward. He's handsome," I blurted out, but I didn't think she figured out that I was pretending. This girl was nice. I was sure Edward would like her fine. Now I just had to get him to marry her.

Edward, checking Emmett's internet browsing…


Once a week, I glanced through my brother's internet browsing history. It helped me brace myself for whatever was coming, or might show up. I had finally made it clear to him that animals should not be shipped. We'd lost many a bird, snake, and a few other reptiles, mammals, rodents, and some creature I couldn't identify that way. Honestly, I was surprised that my backyard wasn't part of the protected rainforest. That was probably why Emmett took such an interest in those plants at the botanical gardens.

I went down his list. It was nothing new, mostly art supplies and hair products. Don't ask me, I had no idea why he needed to buy fancy shampoo, though he always did have really nice hair. I came across a puppy website and quickly blocked it. The last dog we'd gotten turned out to be a dingo from Australia. How the hell he had managed that I still had no idea. Yeah, try explaining that to animal control. They were not pleased when I called them for a pick up. At least I was able to convince Emmett to keep it in the crate when it snapped at him through the bars; otherwise, it would most likely have been lost in the abyss of my backyard until we started hearing about random house pets disappearing. It was the same with the bobcat. I had to explain to him that its name wasn't Bob, but that was the type of cat he was. That cat did get a good chunk of flesh off him and he hadn't liked cats since. Thankfully, it had slowed his animal interest way down.

There were several art show sites which I didn't care about. I was fine with him buying or selling whatever he wanted there. I saw he and Rose spent a lot of time chatting each other up about some shade of azure, I thought that was a color. Apparently, different shades had slightly different textures. That was probably why Emmett came to the dinner table blue the other day.

The next thing I found worried me. It said he had searched and clicked on several sites looking for a good wife. I wondered if he was feeling lonely or had finally developed those "feelings" I had done my best to not share with him. I didn't know why else he would need a wife.

I started to panic when I saw that he had a site for Russian mail-order brides marked as a favorite. For the first time in my life, when I went to open one of Emmett's links, I was hoping for porn.

It wasn't porn!

I quickly backed out and saw right under it a site that said, "I'd make a good wife."

Again, I clicked on it, hoping for porn because this was also a favorite. I found the site of a girl that lived here in Chicago. She was decent-looking in a quiet, understated way. I usually didn't go for brunettes, but she didn't look bad. She was actually quite beautiful the longer I looked at her picture.

I shook that thought out of my head and hope like hell Emmett hadn't contacted her. I went over the site and it looked like she was a typical gold-digger type and was open about it. She wanted money and services for the privilege of calling her your wife. She was a bit of a freak when I saw the part about what you wanted. She was willing to dress up, wait on you, and have sex with the stranger she married. She had to be insane!

BLOCK! BLOCK! BLOCK! I hit it three times just to be sure, BLOCK! Okay, four. Like I said, I really didn't want Emmett anywhere near her. I needed to talk to him and find out what the hell was going on with him.

I heard my phone ring and saw it was Emmett calling. I realized I hadn't seen him since lunch. "Hi," a soft voice said and I realize it was a woman's voice on my brother's phone and I knew I was in trouble.

Caught in the act…

Edward, married to Bella, trying to deal with seeing her nice boobs…

I was in the bathroom, trying my best to get the image of Bella's boobs out of my head. She all but flashed me and pretty much told me that she wanted me to find her attractive. I did find her attractive, very attractive, and not just her body, but the amazing rapport she had with my brother made her all the more hot. She had no problem putting me or anyone else in their place and was very protective of him. He was her family and I wanted to be her family, too. I wanted to be her husband in every sense of the word, but I couldn't tell her that. We had an understanding; we weren't to do what I wanted to do to her.

I took matters into my own hands, literally. I quickly dropped my pants and let out a sigh of relief as I gripped myself. I moved my hand roughly as I glanced around the bathroom for some lotion. I couldn't take my time. I had to make this quick, people were waiting for me. The toothpaste fell out of the cabinet into the sink and I cursed silently when I didn't see any lotion. I would have to make a point to put some in here.

I wet my hand in the sink and leaned over it. I pictured Bella's breasts, warm, soft, and mine, full with peaked nipples. I had seen her in thin shirts and her nipples were a work of art. I wanted her naked in my bed. I pictured her lying there waiting for me, her breasts perking and taut. I sucked them into my mouth and then moved my dick between them pressing, them together and rocking between them as she opened her mouth, taking in my tip. I didn't last long before I was coming all over my hand and into the sink.

I felt a sudden breeze behind me. "Hey, Edward, are you done? I need to use the potty." I looked over my shoulder freaking out. Emmett was standing there looking completely innocent. He stepped in and saw that I had my dick out. His brow furrowed, "Whatcha doing there?"

I glanced at the cum-covered sink and saw the toothpaste. I had to think quickly. "Um, I was going pee and had toothpaste on my hand. It was an accident, but it burned so I was washing myself off."

"Oh, that does burn. I got that on me in the shower once. I only brush my teeth with clothes on now."

"Right, right, well, I've learned my lesson. I'm all cleaned up," I said tucking myself away and washing my hand and the sink, making sure to get rid of my mess. I threw the defiled toothpaste tube away. "I don't like this kind. I think I'll get something else."

He seemed to agree with me and didn't question me further as I hurried out of the little guest half-bath. I thought I would be safe in there, but I was obviously wrong. I would have to be sure to only masturbate in my room, with the door locked from now on. Emmett frequently popped in on me without knocking and there would be no toothpaste in my bed to blame it on next time. I would just be shit out of luck and we all knew he would tell Bella and I would look like a pervert. I'd bet she would think I was jacking off to the thought of my cook's boobs. She did have huge ones and I would swear it was impossible to look at her face and not look at them. They were totally blocking the view. I was sure Angela couldn't see her feet.

Tough puppies…


I was so excited when Edward said I could have a puppy for the practice baby. I definitely didn't want a kitten like Bella suggested. Cats were evil, I should know. When I went on my computer to find puppy stuff, I was surprised at how much there was. I was excited when I found all the clothes and beds, and they even had diapers like a real baby, and bottles and formula. It would be just like having a baby. They even had a playpen and a stroller. I definitely got the stroller because they would be too little to walk around. Edward finally unlocked the puppy sites and I found that you could be a foster mommy or daddy to the baby. When I called and asked if you could be a foster uncle, they said I could do that, too.

When Bella said we should get two just in case they had twins, I was even more excited, but I was worried about not having a car seat for the other baby. I hoped they didn't hold it against me that I let the baby ride in the car without one.

I quickly ordered a second set of everything for my other baby. Once we got them home, they started crying right off and so I fed them and then they peed on me. I knew I would have to keep a diaper on them all the time.

They grew so fast and when I showed Edward and Bella their progress, they seemed excited. The little boogers seemed to chew on everything and they didn't like their chew toys at all. They kept stealing my shoes and hiding them under the bed. They did that with clothes and treats, too. They fought a lot over the treats. I didn't remember Edward and me fighting over toys much. I guess it was because we didn't really like the same things.

They kept me up at night and wouldn't sleep in their beds. My body was feeling sad because I couldn't rest like I needed to. Rosie noticed it at first, but then so did Edward. Bella looked worried, but I told them it was just the puppies. I didn't tell them that I thought taking care of them was affecting my heart. I didn't want to worry anybody. I would have the doctor check it out again when I went in.

When we went to Forks, those little boogers made a huge mess at the diner. I felt bad for not having trained them better. When they took them to Seth's house, I actually relaxed for the first time since we had gotten them. I needed a break. I probably should have gotten a puppy babysitter sooner and taken a few weekends off, but I didn't want Edward and Bella to doubt me. I felt bad when I realized that I was failing the baby test. The puppies were just too much work and I finally admitted that to Edward. I started feeling a lot better once I had gotten the break. I knew then that I had to let them go.

When we went to pick them up and Emily was crying because she would miss them, I knew what I had to do. I didn't want to get sicker and I could feel that I already was. I wanted to stay alive to see my first real niece or nephew. I couldn't help but cry as we left them behind. Edward told me that we would be visiting often so it wasn't like they would be really gone. They would still be in our family and that made me feel better.

I didn't want them to go without so when we got home, I packed everything up and sent it to Emily and Seth's house. My babies deserved the best. I would be sure to send good food for them on a regular basis with lots of healthy treats. They might have gotten into mischief, but they were still sweet little guys and I still loved them. I would be sure that they would want for nothing. That was what a good uncle would do.

A/N Thanks for donating!

Check out these fun one shots. Pickapic . twificpics 2012/07/11/pick-a-pic-one-shot-voting/#more-603 Be sure to remove the spaces.