I'll Love You Never Chapter 5

Love, what a fruitless word, full of empty meaning. I'm in a slightly morbid mood, and I can't shake the feeling that I'm not me right now. No, I'm a bottle, vodka more likely, and I'm drifting off farther and farther into the darkness where nobody can hear me. And in all this darkness, there are the voices.


'not deserving'


Those voices keep circling around me, and I try to mar the darkness...Mar...no not mar...just get out but I can't, because, because, because why?

Maybe, just maybe, life isn't worth living, and we don't have a purpose in this world, but once we find the light that gives up hope, we can all start breathing.

It keeps on going over and over in my head, do I have something to live for? No I don't, I'm vodka, rum, scotch, I just take the pain for others, let them drown out their sorrows in my body.

Maybe that's your purpose.

NO it can't be...can it?

And as I go deeper and deeper, the vodka in my hands starts talking, starts blending in with the other voices.


'not deserving'


Love, is there really such a thing as love? It's the reason I'm here isn't it? Maybe this is just an episode of self loathing, or not being fulfilled, and

I'm not in the darkness, I'm sitting.

Sitting where?

'Go outside'

Outside? And I listen to whatever greater out there is talking to me. And as I go outside, the lights are becoming brighter, brighter, brighterbrighterbrighter. It's too bright. But I still keep waking. Walking to something that might mean more then the alcohol that runs in my veins, more than my desire to love, more then what those voices are saying to me. I'm not crazy, It is..it is..it's me.

Damn, I'm going all sentimental on myself again. This is why I don't drink, but then again, the lights are so pretty at night.

I follow the crowd that consecutively walk together. Like clockwork, or maybe love. Is love consecutive? maybe, but then again, I wouldn't know. Because, as I go around and lose myself into the crowd, I remember that I'm one in a million, which makes there 8000 just like me, and in this crowd, I'm not different at all. If I'm not different, when why am I here!


'not deserving'


And that's when I realise,

do the plant some good, kill yourself.

so I jump.

I'm feeling pretty good about myself right now. everything is going the way it's supposed to, and that's the reason why I allow myself some time to assimilate with the crowd, and act like all of them who know what they are doing with their lives. I act like I belong, but really, I don't. I'm the bastard child of a drunk man. I barely made my way to college, and In several days, I'm going to be dependent on only myself. No Hidan, no dad, no nothing. It's when I realize that at times like this,

do the plant some good, kill yourself.

so I jump.

but I don't really jump. I didn't even think of jumping, But then why did I say that.

It wasn't me, It was that guy, that guy...that guy.

It was that guy beside me, with the red hair, and the drunken aroma that said shit faced.

And though all my confusion, I realize that he jumped.

He jumped in front of that truck. It's that truck that's going to end his life.

I don't even think about my choices. Do I even have any? Its either do nothing and let him die, or do something, and he doesn't die. I'm invincible so I can't die, so the logical thing to do is jump with this red head.

And so I do.

I'm In a surreal moment between life and death. At least, it looks like death, but I'm not sure, it could just be that that truck is coming really close towards me, and I'm in the middle of the highway, and someone grabs me. It feels nice. I think Jesus will finally take mercy on me and let me die in this angels arms. But...I'm not dying... I'm living, because that truck passed by, and I'm still here, rambling to myself, while this demon crushes me. He's a demon, no angel, because angels give you your sweetest dreams, and demons take them away.

I saved him, the truck passed us, he's safe

People are staring, some taking photos, I can already see the headlines tomorrow,

'Tokyo crazed fails at killing himself'

I try to look away from all the flashing, but the only place to turn my head is into the rock of chest that I am presented with.

We need to get out of here, he needs a still place.

I think I might have lost my hearing, because while all I could see was flashing and the faces of strangers, Now the sound catches up, and it scares me.

I need to lift him up, we need to go. He needs me

Vodka, my bottle, where did it go? I feel like drinking again, but I feel quite close to alcohol poisoning...I'm flying.

He's so light, Its quite easy to pick him up and run to the nearest quiet cafe. he probably needs a doctor, but he's giggling, so I think maybe some coffee will do him some good. It doesn't look like he's hurt too bad, just seems crazy, but then again, aren't we all a little crazy?

I'm lead towards a small cafe, it seems that not more than a dozen people could fit inside. It feels homey, and I'm eager to get inside. This stranger beside me keeps glancing at me whenever he thinks I'm not going to stare back. But I'm not, I'm not going to stare back, because if I do, then this man will see how broken I am, but I guess he can already see that, since he kinda had to save me.

As we enter the cafe, a waitress quickly comes so show us our seats. It feels wonderful to sit down and for some reason, I start to feel hungry.

I've been starting anywhere but the man this whole time, but suddenly, he slams his fists on the table, and a large echo booms through the cafe, and everyone stares, including me. He starts talking, but I don't hear, I don't even pretend to hear, because the man sitting in front of me is my next client. Someone who I don't wish to see, ever.

"Are you even listening un!"

I'm ripped out of my thoughts, and my eyes come into focus. I see that blonde hair that can't possibly be real, and that one blue eye that is so passionately staring at my body. His body is rigged, and his breathing is heavy, and I realise I'm the exact image as him right now. I try to relax my body but there's still too much adrenaline coursing through my body, along with the alcohol. I don't feel like I've been drinking vigorously this night, but I'll probably feel it in the morning, and when I look at the clock above us, I realise that morning isn't really so far away.

I look towards the blonde haired child again, Deidara maybe? It clicks in my head that that was his name, Deidara. My angel and demon.

Deidara starts talking again, and this time I make sure I follow along.

"What happened! Why the hell would you just jump like that? Do you have any idea that it wasn't just you that could have died? I almost died saving you ass!" Throughout it all, Deidara didn't un once. Must be when he's really angry.

"Are you even going to answer me? I think I deserve some answers."

I still couldn't answer him. My pride wouldn't let me. Pride. You'd think I'd lost all my pride when I jumped, no, You'd think I'd lost all my pride when I was saved.
I'm not suicidal, but there's only so much someone can handle, and as much as I try and conceal my emotions, I just can't.

I finally muster up enough guts to look Deidara in the eye.


Deidara looks surprised that I even attempted at conversation, but I couldn't blame him, the last time we saw each other, well it didn't end so lovely. I started to scowl at that certain memory, which apparently, allowed Deidara to breathe a sigh of relief.

"You feeling better un?" Deidara asked.

"Hm" I didn't really feel like saying anything else, and I think Deidara understood that, since he passed me a cup of unsweetened tea the I never noticed. Both of us sat in silence, only letting out little sounds of contentment. Was I content? I haven't really been relaxed quite like this in some time. Usually I'm so busy that I don't have time for petty feelings, but this, this felt nice.

A little bit after we both finished our drinks, Deidara tested the waters again.

"Did the tea help?" he quietly asked, empty cup covering his mouth. I answered with a simple yes.

"Do you want to go for a walk? The sun is rising, and I hear Shinjuku Gyoen is beautiful to walk through during the sunrise un" I was so surprised at the mention what the time. Looking through the windows, I could faintly see the rays of the sun.

I looked at Deidara again, and noticed that with the rising of the sun, his eyes seemed to glow. I wanted to see them brighter, so I said,


Yosh :3 So short! I just thought the timing was perfect. Next chapter will be longer, and I'm pretty sure I'll be posting it soon, since I'm half way through it.

Shout out to PsychoPyro who noticed a kink in my story ^^ I have fixed it and Hidan is no longer in the akatsuki.

So what do you guys think so far? I feel like this was a different writing style for me, At least for the beginning of the story. I'm hoping that the story isn't going to slow for you. I hate those books where the characters meet and like the next chapter they're getting married. -.- Anywho, reviews are always very appreciated, They make my day and make me review faster.

(On a side note, COME ON REVIEW! I didn't get many reviews last chapter which breaks my heart. So let's make a deal. You guys give me 6 reviews, I'll update in a week. I get 10, You'll get the next chapter TOMORROW! Yay for compromise ^^)