On The Coach Home From Campo Fiasco
I have said it before, and I was right...the campo fiasco WAS a fiasco.
I am now officially the girlfriend of a Lurrrrve God. And therefore I have put my red bottom behind me with a firm hand.I will never again be found wandering as lonely as a clud in the Cakeshop of Lurrrrve..or picking up some other eclair or tart or fondant fancy.
Ditto Eccles cakes or Spotty Dick or...shut up brain.
2 Mintues Later
So, speaking as the offical girlfriend of a Luuurve God who has officially put my red bottom behind me with a firm hand will never be wandering around looking for extra cakes ,can somene tell me this...
How in the name of God's pant hose have I ended up snogging Dave the Laugh...also known as Dave the Tart ?
2 Minutes Later
Oh God, Goddy God God And let us face facts -it wasn't just a matey-type know -a -"It's alright I'm just a mate accidentally snogging another mate"-sort of snog.
It was frankly,to get to point and not beath around the whatsit,a 'phwroar' type of snogging situation.
30 Seconds Later
It was definitely number 4 and about to be vnumber 5.
4 Seconds Later
Anyways,shut up brain,I must is not the time for a rambling trip to Ramble is the time to put my foot down with a firm hand and stop snogging my not boyfriend Dave the Laugh.
1 Minute Later
I mean I am practically married to Masimo.
10 Seconds Later
Well, give or take him actually asking me to marry him.
5 Seconds Later
And the fact he has gone off to Pizza-agogo-Land leaving me here in Merrie-but-dangerous England to fend for made to go on stupid camping trips with madmen (Miss Wilson and Herr Kamyer).
He has left me here,wandering around defensless in the wilderness near Ramsgate,miles away from the nearest Topshop.
3 Seconds Later
And how can I help it if Dave the Laugh burrows into my tent? Because that is more or less what happened.
That is le fact.
I was snuggling down under some bit of old raincoat (or sleepingbags as Jas would say in her Oooh isn't outdoors fun sort of way) ...anyway where was I ?
Oh,yes,I was snuggling down last night after an action-packed day of newt drawing when there was a tap-tapping on the side of the tent.I thought it might have been an owl attack but it was Dave the Laugh and his Barmy Army (Tom,Declan,Sven,Edward) enticing us out into the forest with the promise of snacks and light entertainment.
4 Seconds Later
I blame Dave entirely for and I are just mates and he has a boyfriend and I hacve girlfriend and this is it end of , because then he comes to the countryside looking for me and waving his horn about.
We were frolicking about in the Lads' tent and Dave and me went off for an innocent walk in the woods .You know, like old matey types then I put my foot down a badger hole or something and fell backward into the river.
Anyways,Dave was laughing like a loon for a bit but then he reached down and put his arms around me to lift me up to the riverbank and I said "I think I may have broken my bottom.".
And he was really smiling and then he said "Oh, bugger it has to be done." and he snogged me .
When he stopped I pushed him backward and looked at him. I gave him my worst look.
He said 'What?"
I said 'You know 't just say 'what?' like that. "
I said with enormous dignitosity "Look,you enticed me with your shenanigans, and,erm,pcukering stuff."
He said "Erm, I think you will find that you agreed to come to my tent in the middle of the night to steal me from my girlfriend."
I said 'But it was you that snogged me."
He looked at me a bit then sighed "Yeah,I know.I don't feel very good about this.I'm not so...well, you're used to it."
My head nearly exploded "Used to WHAT?"
He looked quite angry, which felt horrible. I'd seen him angry with me before and I don't usually like what he had to say. He went on : "You started all this sounding the horn business ages ago,using me like a decoy duck then going out with Robbie,then messing about with me and then going out with then telling me that you felt mixed up."
The gist of it is...Dave is cross at me. I hate it when he is, because then he is an un-laugh...he becomes Dave the Un-Laugh and he's no fun then.
Anyways,what do I care?
I have my Luuuurve God to worry about !
Home home at last !
I kicked opened the door "Get the fattened guinea pig ! Your marvy and beyond gorgey daughter is home !"
I wonder where everyone is.
Angus is lolling about in the entryway. I see he's found Mutti's good blouse.
Ah, well, can't be bothered to rescue it.
Besides, I LIKE having 10 fingers and toes.
2 Minutes Later
My arms are soo tired from all the running around during the Campo Fiasco.
I told Mutti all that fresh air is bad for me -I can barely lift my bags. I'll just put my stuff down and find Mutti ...maybe have Libby help me lug it all up, with promises of sweets and a new Mr Potato. Hers is getting rather mouldy.
Nope no Libby even.
2 Seconds Later
3 Minutes Later
No messages from the Lurve God,though.
Doesn't he miss me?
i miss him...aLOT..with PANTS on.
3 Seconds Later
No, no no not with PANTS on, er, no I mean I hope he's got pants on (sort of )...oh, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
Le fact is, I miss him loads and he still hasn't rung me.
2 Minutes Later,Bed
Ahhh,,,peace and quiet.
Maybe I can take a quick zizz. I must be rested when my Luuurv God calls to tell me how gorgey I am !
35 Minutes Later
Fat beardy chance.
"Who left their bloody rucksacks here?"
BLOODY BOLLOCKING FURRY BASTARD*
THUMP THUMP THUMP
Sounds like Vati has tripped over his beard...
I looked down the stairs.
Vati looked up just in time to see me 'Georgia get downstairs right now!"
Oh Bloody Hell.
56 Mintues Later
Vati tripped over my camping things and apparently landed on Angus, who did not like being smushed to smithereens, and dug his claws into Vati's arse, tee hee hee !
Vati saw me laughing and made me put my bags, campo fiasco clothes, etc away.
Damn,damn and damn.
2 Minutes Later
Still...tee hee hee.
In bed at 7pm,during Summer hols...
I think it is because of shock.
Over a lovelrly dinner of jammy dogers ,Mutti started asking me all sorts of questions about Stalag 14, and Vati said 'Why so interested in Georgia? You've never really cared before."
Mutti flushed "Don't be stupid, I love my dear duaghters. I remember every minute of their lives."
Vati said 'Geez Connie calm down."
"But I have good news!"
I said "OH GOD you're not preggers are you?"
Vati went white.I thought he was going to faint, but then Mutti said "No, not that sort of good news, but it is a different sort of good news...I got a new job!"
I said as cheerily as I could "Great, can I have five pounds?"
Mum tutted "I know you aren't excited as I am" (you can say THAT again..) but we will see each other every day."
"We already do,unfortuneatly."
She ignored that "Now we will see each other even more! I'll be your school nurse!"
OH DEAR GOD.
Then Vati said something even worser-er
'I have big news, too!"
I said 'You're pregnant then?"
which I thought was tres hilarious but Vati didn't.
He shouted at me 'If you don't have anything sensible to say,SHUT UP."
Then he said to Mutti "Well, you remember that Chapman fellow I was talking to, about the Water Board expanding out?"
Mum said "Oh yes, did he introduce your ideas?"
"Even better, he is putting them into effect, and what's more, I've been made Head of Planning!"
Mutti jumped up and gave him a hug.
Her nunga-nungas nearly poked his eye out. Erlack.
i just sat there.
"And what does that mean to me?"
Vati said " It means I'll be away for a while from you guys. I'll miss you loads, but it'll be twice the money in the end."
Vati looked at me 'Don't even say it"
I pretended I didn't know what he meant.
Mum said 'Are you off to New Zealand then?"
"No,Ethiopia! It's a new program, called Project: Water! Our goal is to get everyone in Ethiopia fresh,drinkable water !"
I thought "Give them your arse and they'll eat for 10 years" but I didn't cuz Mutti had a knife in her hand.
Mutti said "So you're leaving us again?"
"Only for a few months. But think of it I'll be making twice as much."
Mutt said "You are so selfish."
Vati said "Selfish? I'll be working my arse off."
"Yeah and what about me? I'll be stuck in the house with a moody teenager, and Libby"
i said "You say that like it's a bad thing."
Mutti gave me a LOOK.
If you have a mutti, you know the type of look I mean.s
Then she turned on Vati "And what am I going to be doing then while you're off doing..." she waved the knife in her hand 'whatever?"
"Throwing yourself around a room to music like you usually do I bet."
"You mean my ZUMBA lessons?"
Vati shrugged and took a bite of jammy doger "Dancing, throwing yourself at strange men, same difference."
Mutti turned red "And what is THAT supposed to mean?"
I decided that was the best time to leave the room before I got stabbed.
And now here I am,if you see what i mean.
29 Minutes Later
The door slammed. I looked out my window and saw Vati get into the Clow Car and zoomk off down the street at 1kph (which Grandad could easily outwalk).
My life is literally in shambles.
I have snoggus-interupts then my Lurrve God boyfriend who is italian and a luuurve god never calls, and now I may be an orphan.
Bloody Hell, and this is only my first day of Summer hols.
What else can go wrong?
Well there it is,chapter 1 !
What did you think? Pleasely please R&R !
Anything you reconise is NOT mine but is the luuurverly and beyond GENIUS Louise Rennison's !