A/N: The Allusions series is back! It was a big decision for me to begin this again, so I hope you like it. I feel like I'm a little rusty, so tell me what you think.
Summary: She was too young for this. She felt the weight of him, even now. Even miles away in god knows what sort of country or condition, she could feel him. He was still all over her, staring, seeing, and knowing everything that no one else ever could.
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me. All quotes and characters are form the show Gossip Girl.
A celebratory proclamation: This first chapter is dedicated to my best friend Bella. She encouraged me to continue with this and it's her birthday. Happy birthday! I hope it is to your enjoyment.
The Black Book
Please wake me up with a few of your stories from Chuck's little black book. I think the last time we spoke you made it through all the T's.
Yeah, well let's just say 'V' is for 'Vivid' and leave it at that. I mean it's pretty awesome. I'm having tons of sex; I never have to eat dinner alone, and best of all I don't have to talk about anything.
Sometimes he looked through the listings and gazed at the B's. Of course her name would never be there. She was never those girls. She was the girl that he had known forever. She was the only girl that he could find himself looking at platonically. She was the only girl that he ever respected and actually liked.
Of course she wasn't in the book.
She was the girl that he never planned, never calculated. She just happened.
He just fell in love with her. She was never supposed to happen.
And then she just wasn't.
All of the conquests he accumulated over the years had found themselves recorded alphabetically and in the most dehumanizing way possible. The one and only person he had ever cared about would never find her way there.
But sometimes, he would just look.
He knew that she would never be there.
Just like she wasn't with him.
"Are you coming back to bed?"
Chuck paused, a glass of scotch seemingly frozen in his hand. For a moment, he was sure that he had been here before. He knew that phrase, he knew this situation, and he knew exactly where he was.
For a moment, he just stood there.
He couldn't remember her name. He couldn't remember how he had got to be here. All he knew was what he didn't have and what he would never have again.
It was better this way. When he was in the throes of casual and meaningless sex, he could just forget. Even if that meant forgetting exactly where he was.
"Are you alright?"
Nate found him in the bathroom. Chuck had placed his forehead against the cool sink. His migraine was starting to cede.
"The peak of perfection."
He put his face under the stream of water again.
"I couldn't help but notice…"
"Is she gone?"
"Who?" Nate asked.
Chuck straightened unsteadily to lock eyes with his best friend.
"Whoever was out there."
"I didn't see anyone."
"Was someone out there?"
Nate was quiet for a moment before speaking. "Are you feeling alright?"
"You already asked that," Chuck answered. "Why wouldn't I be alright?"
Nate shrugged noncommittally.
His own romantic problems made him see his friend better. His friend who was hurting and had done something shockingly selfless for the girl he had betrayed.
"I'm having the time of my life."
"I thought you said you were paying for your mistakes with—"
"So much that we don't have to talk about it," Chuck answered curtly, shouldering past him back into the living room.
"You know I'm here," Nate said.
"Do you blame me?" Nate asked. "What you did—"
"I don't need reminding," Chuck answered. "That's the great thing about it. No talking. No thinking. Just doing."
"That doesn't sound healthy."
"Like I was such a posterchild before."
"You don't have to punish yourself."
"Because everyone else is doing the job for me."
Nate was quiet again. "I just hope you're alright. I already lost my best friend once—"
"Like I said," Chuck said, cutting him off. "Time of my life."
Nate watched him casually pick up the black book that was lying on the counter. He knew that what Chuck had done wasn't okay. It would never be okay.
But that didn't mean that he still wasn't suffering.
Nate knew exactly what his best friend was doing.
And no matter what anyone ever said, the possession of such a habit was never a good sign.
At night, when you fall asleep, who are you wishing for?
It was only in the darkness where she could stop pretending. She tolerated phone calls from her mother and sustained looks from her best friend. But she was in Paris, the greatest city in the world.
She was too young for this. She felt the weight of him, even now. Even miles away in god knows what sort of country or condition, she could feel him. He was still all over her, staring, seeing, and knowing everything that no one else ever could.
He could always find her in the darkness.
Even now when it was all she could do just to push him away, even though he was nowhere to be found.
She was okay with it.
More than okay. This is what she wanted. He never ceased to break her heart and this year had been the undeniable truth of that.
Even when she was seventeen she had understood that. They could never work. His selfishness and narcissism would always overtake them.
That's what she told herself in the daylight. It was worse than that. She just ignored those thoughts altogether. They didn't exist. There was nothing. All there had to be was Blair and the freedom and happiness she finally had. She was cultured and beautiful and no one could take that away from her.
He always found her in the darkness.
It was in those moments that she let herself be weak. She knew that her best friend's weakness had always been variety. She could never make up her mind, never knew what she wanted.
Blair always had the opposite problem. There was only one thing that she ever wanted and she didn't know if there really was anything else.
She still felt as though she was waiting for him. She didn't feel wholly herself. This wasn't it. He was missing and she felt empty. Without the pain, there was nothing. There was no substance but most of all, it was just him. She pushed him away during the day, but alone as she stared up at her ceiling, she really allowed herself to think.
She didn't know what she wished for.
But it was him. She didn't wish and she didn't desire. She just wanted existence. She just wanted knowledge.
She just wanted him. She just wanted to see him and not always have to look over her shoulder to feel as though something was missing.
She couldn't have his love. She knew that was gone.
But when it came to her, Chuck Bass was just part of the deal. So when she curled up in the nothingness that surrounded, it wasn't wishes that she had. It was just one tangible thing.
It was just Chuck Bass.
"Do you miss me as much as I miss you?"
Despite all the hurt and the lies and the gossip, it was just him. She just needed him to be in sight. As selfish a thing as it was, she needed it. She needed his proximity.
They were the same. And without him, she knew she was lost too.