STAN AND KENNY ARE LOCKED UP
Standing at a table in the Park County Courthouse:
Stanly Quinton Marsh-Pleaded Guilty to disorderly conduct.
Kenneth James McCormick-Pleaded Guilty to disorderly conduct
The Judge asked if they had anything to say before they were sentenced.
Stan stood up and said "your honor I'd just turned 10 and fell into a major depression. Not long after that I was publicly humiliated in front of my girlfriend by a website and I tried to help a friend who was being bullied and that failed. I won't deny one thing your honor I certainly deserve to be punished."
Kenny raises his hand then steps up to the microphone on the defendant's desk. He takes off his hood and says "your honor I admit I flipped off the ticket taker at the movie theater and then my friend Stan made a threat to engage in violence against the theater. I was with him and I'm ready to be punished with him."
The judge gave them each five days in the South Park County Jail with Officer Barbrady looking after them.
It's 3PM and Kyle had caught up to Cartman on the way out of school.
"Hey Cartman are you ready to visit Stan and Kenny?"
Cartman turned to Kyle and said "maybe they're in jail because they deserve it. Why should I visit their asses?"
Kyle got pissed off and said "look fat ass you've been to jail a few times and federal prison and a prison in Japan. Goddamn it Cartman how dare you not want to stand by your friends. Kenny just flipped off the fat bitch that was in charge of selling tickets but Stan went off the deep end. Kenny is suffering because he was with Stan and Stan needs us to see him through his time of pain."
Cartman said "well what about Terrance and Phillip?"
Kyle replied "it's a rerun now come on."
When they get to the jail they sign in and Officer Barbrady leads them to the holding cell.
Kenny says "hey guys!"
Stan says "Kyle I'm so glad to see you oh and I'm glad to see you to fat ass."
Cartman asks "how's your anger?"
Stan says "well I've calmed down a lot and with that shooting in Aurora I feel really shitty."
Kyle and Cartman enter the holding cell and then Kyle grabs Stan for a hug.
Kyle demands to know what happened last Saturday.
Stan explains "Kenny and I went to the movie theater and we wanted to see a new movie but it was PG-13. The guy who was usually there selling tickets was not there. There was a fat lady there. She said because we were not 13 she would not sell us tickets to the movie. I said that it wasn't mandatory like with the 'R' rating where you had to have a parent and she said "well even so I'm not selling you a ticket" and that's when Kenny stuck up his middle finger and said 'fuck you."
Kenny jumps in and says "then Stan got pissed off and said he'd love to bring a gun to the theater and fucking take care of people."
Kyle's eyebrows moved upward as he looked at Stan angrily.
Cartman pointed out that their courtroom statements during sentencing were on record and he just got a copy of the daily paper and read them.
Kenny asked "do you find it funny that we're apologizing for death threats?"
Stan says "Cartman there was a big shooting in Aurora over the weekend and the timing of me losing my temper could not have been worse."
Cartman says "well think of funny things like when Pete Melman shit his pants."
Stan starts laughing but Kyle quickly reminds him the same dirty rat who reported online about Pete shitting his pants got him in trouble with Wendy and Stan stops laughing.
Cartman says "hey think about the time Jenny Simon shit her pants."
Kenny, Kyle, and Stan all look at Cartman with rage because everyone is aware he put the laxatives in a cupcake to cause her to shit her pants.
Cartman immediately replies "well I suppose I got in some trouble for that the principal was not happy."
Kyle kicks Cartman in the shin and Cartman says "ouch Kyle what the fuck?"
Kyle said "you're just an asshole Cartman. Stan learns from his punishments but you are a fat weasel."
Cartman stated "you know Kyle in a way it's the fault of the Jews that Stan and Kenny were denied entrance to that PG-13 movie."
Kyle turns to Cartman and says "I know I'm going to regret asking this but how are Jews responsible for Stan and Kenny being denied entrance to a fucking PG-13 movie?"
Cartman answered "Michael Savage and Doctor Laura are both Jews and don't care about youth rights."
Kyle says "so what!"
Cartman then goes on to say "your mom thinks kids shouldn't be allowed to watch Terrance and Phillip oh she's a mean commie Jew."
Kyle says "I'm sick of you talking about my mom."
Cartman says "well go ahead and cry because I was talking about your fat bitchy Jew momma."
Kyle smacks Cartman across his face and Stan says "both of you stop it this is not helping my rehabilitation."
Cartman says "I don't want to see you rehabilitated Stan I want to see you punished."
Kenny says "shut the fuck up Cartman you're a fucking asshole."
Cartman asks "are you and Stan gay lovers now that you're cell mates sticking your dicks in each other's asses?"
Stan yells "EVERYONE STOP!"
Stan goes on to say "Cartman whatever problem you have with Kyle take it outside. Right now Kenny and I sure could use support from friends."
Cartman pats Stan on his shoulder and says "indeed you do."
Kyle says "we'll stand by you all the way. Right now the whole town wants to see you publicly beaten."
Stan says "well shit in time this will blow over and for now we'll do our time."
Bill and Fossy were next to come and visit Stan and Kenny in their jail cell.
Bill and Fossy simply said "it was gay the way they turned you down at the theater. The new fat bitch at the theater is gay."
Stan and Kenny laughed along with them.
Stan said "it's amazing how detention or even juvenile lock up can bring kids together who normally don't give a fuck about each other."
Through the bars of the jail cell Stan and Kenny were able to shake hands with two of their enemies.
When Wendy showed up Stan felt his heart beat hard and he felt exhausted. How did it make her feel to see her boyfriend locked up?
He soon found out when she said "oh Stan I wish you had just walked away from that movie theater."
Stan says "I do to."
Wendy is allowed to enter the jail cell and she gives Stan a great back/shoulder massage.
Stan says "oh Wendy you're wonderful. If your parents are giving you a hard time about being my girlfriend I'll be glad to talk to them. I'll let them know how sorry I am."
Wendy says "oh shit Stan my dad snuck into 'R' rated movies all the time when he was a kid."
Stan, Wendy, and Kenny all laugh.
Wendy says to Kenny lie on his stomach and she'll give him a back/shoulder massage as well.
Kenny was thrilled with the offer and got down on the bed.
Stan thought to himself "she's just being nice to Kenny and to relax because Kenny wasn't taking her away from him."
After Wendy leaves Kenny's mom shows up.
Stan says "hi Mrs. McCormick!"
Kenny knows he's in for an ass chewing.
Mrs. McCormick gives him a long lecture.
"I hope you don't grow up to be a worthless fucking loser like your father. I hope five fucking days in this Goddamn jail cell will teach you a fucking lesson. I really do and I'm your fucking mother so you know I love you. I tell you it's usually your older brother who's getting in fucking trouble but you had to flip off some fat bitch and then I hear your friend made death threats oh I just hope you both have learned a lesson."
Stan and Kenny say in unison "we're sorry."
Carol McCormick goes on to say "well Stan I hope you're holding up well and Kenny I'll always love you. Right now I have to go home and suck your father's dick."
Stan giggled and Kenny was embarrassed.
As Cartman and Kyle walked home Cartman said "you know it's a tragedy I wasn't there in that Aurora Theater I could have saved lives."
Kyle became irritated and said "Cartman you're not one who's into saving lives."
Cartman said "I could have told everyone in that theater that the bat mobile was outside and since they were all fans of Batman they would have surely rushed outside. People in that fucking basketball stadium fell for it."
Kyle falls over laughing.
Cartman stated "I didn't think it would be that funny."
After Kyle gets up he smacks Cartman across his face and tells him "that's for not being there to save all those people you fat fuck."
Cartman replied "shit Kyle I had no idea that was coming and nobody did. You just smacked me and blamed me for something I didn't do like the three stooges would blame each other for everything."
Kyle falls down laughing even harder.
After five minutes of laughing Kyle says "Cartman maybe you have a heart after all."
Back at the jail Stan and Kyle are singing in unison.
"She'll bash his fucking head in. She'll bash his fucking head in. She'll bash his fucking head in so early in the morning."
Stan asks Kenny "should we be having this much fun in jail?"
Kenny answered "well we're not having a whole lot of fun and just because we're doing some time for disorderly conduct doesn't mean we're evil like Al Qaeda."
Stan pointed out that in the past they worked as little crime stoppers and later we were Coon and Friends.
Kenny responded "before we became Coon and Friends I got arrested for being a vigilante."
Stan said "I guess if you're a kid you can't win with the legal system."
Kenny replied "well yes but right now people in Aurora have it worse."
Stan said "then we pay a small price or remember that Home Movies episode 'it's time to pay the price?"
Kenny answered "oh yes and we're locked in this jail cell like bitches in a kennel."
When Stan and Kenny were released they made a public apology to the whole town of South Park and the theater in turn apologized to them since it's not mandatory that you be 13 to enter a PG-13 movie.
I want to dedicate this fan fiction story to the victims at the Aurora Colorado Movie Theater.