Disclaimer: I don't own Fifty Shades of Grey or the characters. I don't own Mortal Kombat or the characters. These belong to their respective owners.
Fifty Shades of Kombat
It was a dark night but it was nothing compared to the darkness in Christian Grey's soul. Brooding, his intense dark eyes glowered at the road before him while he sped down the highway at a very illegal 100 miles-per-hour.
Ana leaned down into his lap and serviced him orally. It was her job to please Christian...when she was not in the kitchen. Without a trace of shame, she gave him a pretty cool blow-job. It was cool because Ana had an ice cube in her mouth because she's a freak like that.
"Finish that blow-job, Ana." Christian purred. "If you do, I'll take you to the new Johnny Cage movie and you can blow me there."
Giddy, Ana's inner goddess pirouetted and then jumped out the window of the two bedroom duplex apartment that was Ana's brain but did not die—because she was not real.
One semi-illegal blow job later, they were at the movies. Johnny Cage's new film 'Duke Nukem Forever' was currently showing. It was a misnomer because Johnny Cage was only Duke Nukem for two hours and thirty minutes but no one seemed to mind that bit of information much.
"We might get caught." Christian whispered sexily in a loud way but no one cared because this was a movie theater in an urban neighborhood. People whipped out their penises all the time at the slightest provocation and sometimes it wasn't in a movie theater. It was in a church or a Denny's.
By the time the previews started, Christian was seated in the back row with his penis in his popcorn. He liked the warmth of the butter embracing him and sending an enjoyable sensation through his lower body. It was a lot better than an ice cube.
Ana slinked up beside him, pulling the man from his buttery euphoria and somehow his penis was in her mouth—where it belonged and she was light on the teeth this time. The movie started and Ana was already deep throating like a 2008 Kentucky champion.
Suddenly, in a flash of lightening, Raiden appeared sitting calmly next to them. It was sucky because the movie theater said no cell phones and it was really taking the other patrons out of the immersion. Plus his lightening was kind of loud.
"Christian Grey, I'm here to tell you that you are one of Earth's champions." Raiden then noticed he was sitting on Ana. Ana did not care for her purpose is not to care. Her purpose is something sex-related.
"Champion? Me?" Christian gave a silky smooth chuckle. "I think you are mistaken. My mother was a crack whore."
"That's…nice." Raiden then grabbed the man and teleported the three of them to Outworld. Even though he was gone, no one could get back into the movie and everyone in the theater gave it a low score on Rotten Tomatoes. Also there was a riot and some people died but the score was rather biased and unfair.
In Outworld, somehow Christian and Ana got split up. For a god, Raiden was rather incompetent and disrespectful to theater etiquette. Christian immediately tried to flee but Raiden teleported in front of him.
"You have to fight, Christian."
"I have to save Ana!" He roared with chocolaty goodness. "I still haven't claimed her ass!"
"There will be enough time for ass-claiming." Raiden said as if he knew what he was even talking about. "You must help the other warriors guard Earth Realm."
"Very well but if her ass is claimed then you shall face my wrath!"
Raiden was very agreeable right now. He probably just ate. Anyway, they went to the tournament where Shao Kahn sat in his throne. Ana clung helplessly to Shao Kahn's leg, confused but with an unclaimed ass (in theory).
"Is that Johnny Cage?" Christian inquired with nutella in his voice…somehow.
"It is me, isn't it?" Johnny said while adjusting his douche-shades. "You're from Earth realm aren't you? How's my Rotten Tomatoes score?"
"According to Facebook, it's bad." Said Nightwolf. "My people invented technology…and then the white man stole it."
"Shut up, nerds! It's Kombat Time!" Sonya Blade ripped off all of her clothes and then got murdered because you can't fight a garthock naked. That's really stupid.
"No!" Screamed Jax. "What good are these robot arms if I can't save one white woman?"
"What about me?" Asked Jade. Jax punched her in the face so hard that she died.
"That's for beating up Princess Kitana." He paused. "Wait…that wasn't Kitana! That was her butter faced sister Mileena! What have I done?"
Jax then punched himself in the face until he died.
"Now you must avenge their deaths?" Said Raiden with a shrug.
"I shall!" Christian then took off his shirt revealing his toned tanned body, glistening with an abrupt sheen of sweat. It was truly KOMBAT TIME!
First, he fought Baraka because Baraka is a jobber. Then he fought Sheeva because. Then he snuck out before the Goro fight because only a lunatic would fight Goro. He's a prince. The prince of kicking everyone's ass all the time. That's why he's so muscular. He probably has zero percent body fat because he burns it all while kicking everyone's ass all the time.
I'm not sure how Kintaro came to be but I have theories and those theories offend me so he's not appearing in this fanfic.
Christian returned to find Liu Kang holding a dying Kung Lao. While Christian was avoiding the fight with Goro, Kung Lao got defeated by Shang Tsung who then gave him to Baraka to be his wife. Baraka immediately knocked Kung Lao out and filled him with Baraka eggs. It was so gross that Kung Lao was dying from it.
With Kung Lao dead, the hot blooded Liu Kang could not contain himself and sought to attack the dangerously attractive stranger before him. But then Christian decided to bless the man with the sultry angelic sousaphone of a voice he had when he talked.
"Wait! Who are you? I am Christian Grey and my mother was a crack whore."
"Well," Liu Kang flexed his muscles. "I am Liu Kang and I only like anal."
Kitana quietly left and never came back. Shang Tsung was here. In fact he'd been here the whole time.
"The tournament is about to begin!" He roared to a cheering and possibly drunk audience. Stryker shot a couple of them but the crowd was so blood thirsty and deranged that they began to rip apart the injured and bathe in their blood. Stryker was no stranger to horror for he lived in New York and a homeless man in clown makeup harassed him for change once. Since that day, he knew not the meaning of fear and would probably go back to earth to bang Kabal's sexy nameless wife. Like Liu Kang, he also shared a fondness for anal. Just putting that out there—for the ladies.
"Christian Grey! You will now fight Scorpion and Sub Zero!" Shang Tsung announced.
The two rival ninjas had reason for why they did the things they did and it was boring but now they were fighting together for mysterious reasons that involved a Golden Girls DVD box set and the equally mysterious Quan Chi—who was neither golden nor a girl. Possibly. Perhaps Netherrealm escaped the trivial concepts of gender and sex. Perhaps their progressive way of thinking led to them developing such powerful butt awesome magic. Or maybe they were all on drugs.
Drugs are bad and Quan Chi was full of them.
Quan Chi was drugs.
Scorpion took this moment to attack Sub Zero. The two fought each other so hard that they were still fighting right now. Yup. Still fighting. What an arduous battle. Someone should've made a movie about it. If they did, it would probably star Johnny Cage for some reason.
Sick of this prattle, Shao Kahn rose from his throne and used his hammer to send Scorpion and Sub Zero off the screen and their games ended.
"Pathetic." He growled. "I will end you here and now! You may have brought sexy back, Christian Grey but I am going to kill it! Forever!"
That's a long time.
Christian and everyone who wasn't gone or dead banded together and with the power of friendship (and Quan Chi's freaky drug body) they defeated Shao Kahn.
"We've done it. We've saved all the worlds everyone!" Christian announced. Kitana came back because she was a liar.
"How are we gonna get home?" asked Liu Kang. "Raiden is making out with Quan Chi and you shouldn't do any magic under the influence."
"You're right, Liu Kang." Said Christian while finally claiming Ana's ass. "Drugs are bad. I should know. My mother was a crack whore."
It was then than Johnny Cage found a dusty old lamp and cleaned it off, releasing Shinnok from his imprisonment.
"You have freed me! Before I cover the world in an eternal, hellish darkness I shall give you three wishes."
"I wish that my movie would get the Rotten Tomatoes score it deserves! Not the one everyone gives it out of spite!" said Johnny. Everyone agreed this was not a waste of a wish.
"I also wish that Sonya would let me touch her sweet boobies."
"But she's dead—" Stryker started to say. Shinnok abruptly killed Stryker for some reason.
"Very well. You have one wish, human!"
"I wish that we could all be awesome forever and go home!" Johnny yelled.
"Your wish is my command. See you in hell!" With an ominous cackle, Shinnok vanished. And a giant rainbow appeared with Motaro galloping down it.
"Climb on my back and I shall take you for an adventure!"
So everyone climbed on Motaro's back and they rode the rainbow road through Asgard and all the way back to earth. Then they rode it two more times because there wasn't a line and it was really fun!
Then they all went to see Johnny's movie again and this time Raiden didn't ruin the experience.