Aunt Josephine had not done much of anything in the past two weeks since the lion incident except ponder. Today she was so lost in thought that she boiled water on the stove and almost made ramen noodles until she realized what she was doing and screamed. She gingerly seated herself at her circular kitchen table-she was afraid of corners-before letting out a cry of defeat and slumping her shoulders. What was she doing with her life? Everyday, she refrained from doing so many things that other people seemed to adore because she was so terrified. Who was she kidding, her therapy had only been a temporary help.
Ike would have been so disappointed in her. She allowed herself to think about her deceased husband for the first time in years. She and Ike had gone on so many reckless adventures together. Since Ike's death, she'd reasoned that the adventures were dangerous and childish; they could've died that one time they went bungee jumping, or canoeing in a lightning storm, or eaten that mysterious green soup in South America. But until now she hadn't remembered the part where Ike screamed hilariously on the way down, or the rare fish they'd seen, or how delicious the soup was. Almost every time she'd taken a risk, it had paid off.
At this point in her life, she had hardly taken any risks, and what did she get? Nothing. Well, except for being fired from her dangerous animal-taming job for releasing a chocolate-crazed lion that attacked someone-even if that someone was a dangerous and cunning criminal. Olaf had been in critical condition in the hospital for 2 weeks, and just as the hospital staff had figured out his identity, he had escaped. And his accomplice, "Flacutono", if that was his name, had escaped as well... most likely to flee the country and quietly settle down.
She was done with this. She was done with living in great fear and not accomplishing anything. She decided to begin her new life at this moment by taking out her bun and letting tendrils of her dyed auburn hair fall in her face. From now on she was going to wear her hair down even though she used to be scared of having hair in her face, and from now on she was going to stop dying her hair and wearing a disguise, even if that meant that Olaf would find her again. And if she had the chance again now, then she would stand up for those poor Baudelaire children. She just hoped that they were ok now and that Olaf wouldn't find them again.
She made another life decision. (Don't worry, this is the last one. You're probably getting bored hearing Aunt Josephine's life realizations.) She was lonely, so she was going to join an online dating service even though she had been afraid of computer keyboards in the past. And join an online dating service she did. Soon a strapping middle-aged marine-biologist had found her profile, and they went on a montage of dreamlike dates together before the accident happened.
It was completely unanticipated. In her last moments, Josephine reasoned that it must be a cruel plot device made by the author to finish up this blasted story. On a gloomy Friday morning, Aunt Josephine made her way to the marine biologist's house because they were supposed to be going on a picnic together later that afternoon. As he opened the door, he grinned devilishly at her. "There's been a bit of a change of plans my dear. Let's go swimming instead of picnicking. I know a pond with the perfect temperature."
"All right," said Aunt Josephine. And she only hesitated a little bit as she followed his car to the pond. She stripped to reveal a handy dandy bathing suit that she had conveniently been wearing underneath her clothes, and waded a bit into the water.
"Go ahead and get in completely, dearie, I've just got to fetch my sun block. You can still get sunburned on a gloomy day like this, you know!" And her beloved briefly disappeared from view.
Josephine felt the first bite when she was in up to her shoulders. What on earth was that? She willed herself not to scream as she felt dozens of nips along her legs. "Can you come here please?" she called softly to her marine biologist date, whose name I still haven't bothered to come up with.
He appeared almost instantly with a big grin on his face. "Wazzup?"
Josephine gulped. "My first problem is that the phrase you just uttered is atrocious slang, and is therefore unacceptable grammar. My second problem is that something in this pond is nibbling at my feet."
"Oh that's just the leeches. Don't worry; the pain won't continue for very long."
"L-leeches?" She stuttered, using an incomplete sentence for the first time in this story.
"That's right, Josephine. It really is a shame that you have to go like this. But you can die peacefully knowing that it was for a good cause: my scientific experiment."
Aunt Josephine sighed and prepared for this scenario once again. Unfortunately, she had eaten a banana for breakfast this morning. Oh, irony. Every last ounce of hope slowly oozed out of her. She could feel deep inside that there would be no escape this time. She shook her fist and shouted to the heavens, "Curse you author! This story contains so many grammatical errors! You never let me have any fun!" just before she slipped under the surface and was devoured.
A/N: Well, that was a bit unfortunate, wasn't it? And Aunt Josephine really does have awful taste in men. I hope you enjoyed this, even though I didn't think too highly of the last couple chapters. I apologize for wasting your time if you read this whole thing, because this alternate ending really ended the way it started, so there was absolutely no point in your reading it.