A/N: Even though I've moved on to other fandoms, I'll always have a soft spot for Transformers. I still love this fandom! Maybe someday I'll return to some of my other TF stories.
This is drabble-ish and kind of all over the place. Please don't take it seriously.
Apologizes A Lot
Prowl realizes in the last few split nanoclicks before his death that having every nerve fiber in his processor flaring up was not nearly as fun as he'd thought it would be. Mostly because it was excruciatingly painful. Had he known that directly touching a glowing and unstable radioactive object currently in the process of assembling itself after being blasted into a zillion bits by some idiot whose name ended in "scream" - appropriately enough – he probably would have second guessed going along with this whole "heroic sacrifice" number. And so – right before he actually did die – he made the conscious decision that this would be a good time to fruitlessly apologize to all the 'bots he'd wronged in the pass.
He apologizes to Optimus first, because he's the leader and supposed to be dragging him out of horrible situations like this, and the way he sees it, Optimus should be apologizing to him for not having his back when he needs support the most. Of course, he can't blame Optimus for not being there.
Prowl was the one to "rescue" the Dinobots, although Optimus seems to believe that he didn't do anyone a favour. After all, life was a vortex of eternal despair, heartbreak, and vicious torment at the expense of others, intercepted only by the occasional moment of hollow joy and happiness, which in the end is pointless because you die anyways. Maybe he should have let the Dinobots been flayed alive – might've been less painful than the alternative of them living on an island and being seduced by a black widow. Or one of the Dinobots punching somebody. Somebody like him.
All because he didn't listen to Optimus.
It's not that he regrets his decision, but at the time he hadn't understood the consequences of allowing potentially dangerous 'bots to continue existing. He hated Optimus. He hated him for considering the destruction of life preferable to preserving it. Optimus was wrong for wanting to destroy life. Prowl was wrong for not understanding Optimus's reasons.
Prowl apologizes to Optimus for being selfish.
Bumblebee...he really shouldn't even be considering apologizing to him. Bumblebee is the one who should apologize to him. He'll come back to Bumblebee.
What should he apologize to Bulkhead for? Maybe for getting underfoot. Bulkhead fell on top of him more times than he could count.
In passing, Prowl always thought of Bulkhead as the dumb, slow one. The one who'd gotten in his way when he was trying to deliver a fatal blow. The one whose loud approach disrupted his usual policy of striking from the dark. In passing, Bulkhead wasn't beneficial to the team. Bulkhead had all but volunteered for the opportunity to work in a wasteland and fix space bridges; that was his passion, not fighting. Prowl remembered being annoyed and impatient with the guy and loudly voicing his opinion.
Bulkhead had taken the worst abuse on the team, and not once had he ever complained about it.
In passing, it's hard to apologize to someone like Bulkhead. The world could erupt in a nuclear holocaust and Bulkhead would apologize for getting in the way of the warhead. Bulkhead can take anything.
But when Prowl stops to think about it, Bulkhead should be receiving all the apologies in the world.
Ratchet rivaled Prowl for his position as the team loner, preferring to spend his days isolated in his laboratory and surrounded by his chemicals and experiments and telling Bumblebee to leave him the hell alone. They had never been close, always keeping each other at arm's distance, not because they didn't respect their mutual dedication, but because...well, there doesn't appear to be a good reason at this point. Who was Ratchet, really? He was secretive. When he spoke of the past, it was in whispers. When he spoke of the present, it was to speak of his discontent. When he spoke of the future, he spoke of imminent destruction.
Their medic saw too many things go wrong to know better than to hold onto a semblance of hope, but in that split second of victory, Prowl could see Ratchet smile slightly, rejoicing in the utter relief that he'd been wrong. He was the only 'bot he knew who did not mind being wrong. He was glad when he was wrong.
That was someone he would've liked to befriend.
He apologizes to Ratchet for not knowing him better.
Prowl imagines that at that point, Ratchet throws a wrench at him and tells him to get the slag out. He likes to think that that's how Ratchet shows affection. By throwing things. That makes sense, right?
Bumblebee...Bumblebee...what to apologize to Bumblebee for?...
Sari was never put off by Prowl's incessant need to be alone.
She pursues the Autobots. She wants to know them. She isn't intimidated when Prowl is angry, nor does she leave when he tells her to. Perhaps she sensed that when Prowl asked to be alone, what he really means is "don't go", but he is too caught up in his pride to tell them so. They don't need to talk. They just are. They blend together so easily, that it almost isn't a surprise to discover that they were "cousins".
Prowl doesn't need to apologize to Sari. She's the only one.
Prowl decides what he's going to apologize for Bumblebee for.
He decides that Bumblebee is the biggest idiot in the world and that he shouldn't have to apologize him for anything. Bumblebee is the most impatient, reckless fool he's ever met and he deserves to be stomped on by Megatron, screamed at by Starscream, drowned in oil, and then thrown into a star. In fact, that's probably the least he deserves for all the times he's annoyed Prowl to no end with his incessant need to be "fast" and "cool". Prowl mentally imagines himself delivering a roundhouse kick to Bumblebee's head at this point. Then he apologizes and drags Bumblebee to his feet, sighs, and apologizes again for calling him all those nasty things.
Prowl apologizes to Bumblebee and tells him that he never meant any of it, and he's sorry that he didn't get the opportunity to say any of this in reality.
Of course, Bumblebee's still as annoying as hell.
Also, now that he's dead, Bumblebee DOES NOT have permission to loot his room. Also; if he finds any booby traps, Prowl just put them in for protection.
He isn't sure if he should apologize to Jazz because technically he isn't a permanent member of this team and his being here is a bit on the illegal side. Then he decides to screw it all, because Jazz is here and he deserves an apology for something. He imagines that he left Sentinel reeling back on Cybertron, and it takes guts to stand up to him.
He apologizes to Jazz because he has to be here. He's sure that he isn't the first 'bot Jazz has seen die, but he's probably the first 'bot Jazz has seen die in a torrent of blue energy who is going to be disintegrated from direct contact with the AllSpark! Yeah, that's probably a first in anybody's book.
However, all Prowl can to is apologetically smile at Jazz as he shouts that there must be another way.
They both know there isn't.
Of course, it doesn't really matter how, because Prowl realizes that he has already died and he isn't falling back into the welcoming embrace of the Well of AllSparks.
He thanks everyone. He'll see them later. Hopefully much later.