Disclaimer: Nothing and no-one from the Big Bang Theory belongs to me although I wish Sheldon did.
Chapter 1: The Frostbitten Penis Scenario
Penny entered Sheldon's apartment and Raj's voice dropped away. Rolling her eyes, Penny headed over to the coffee table, picking up off it the only unopened bag. "What do I owe you?"
"It was buy two get one free, so nothing," Leonard informed her as she settled into her favorite chair, well, her favorite chair when Sheldon's spot wasn't available.
"Thanks." Penny grabbed a fork and dug into the bag of fries she'd requested. It was only then that she realized that the group was watching a show she'd never seen before. "Uh, what are you watching?"
"Top Gear," Howard informed her. "They're going to drive to the North Pole."
"A travel show?"
"In what universe would we ever watch a travel show?" Sheldon asked in a scorn filled voice. "It's a car show, and in this episode the three presenters are going to travel to the magnetic North Pole using two different methods. Both methods of course have valid points, but…"
"And why are you watching it?" Penny interrupted, not wanting to listen to Sheldon's explanation.
"Because we're going to the North Pole," Leonard excitedly said. "And Howard remembered seeing this on BBC America and thought we might pick up some tips for our journey."
"You're going to be driving there?"
"Of course not," Sheldon said. "We're going to be flying out but Howard said that several procedures were performed in this program that we might find beneficial as we prepare ourselves for the cold."
Penny turned her attention to the television, smiling a little at the banter that was going on between the three presenters. "The little one's cute."
Noting that the presenter, a man named Richard Hammond, was indeed rather small, Leonard found himself hoping that Penny's taste in shorter men might finally run to him. "You know what they say about small packages…"
"Yeah, but sometimes they lie," Penny said, as she glanced at Howard, who was also looking eagerly at her, making her flesh crawl.
"Oh good gracious!" Sheldon suddenly said out loud, making Penny turn her attention back to the screen.
"What did I miss?"
"I don't know. I missed it too," Leonard said, grabbing the remote. "I'll rewind it."
Everyone was now glued to the television screen as the scene ran backwards and it soon became evident what had prompted Sheldon's outburst, Leonard freezing the picture.
"That is just scary," Howard said in a horrified voice as he viewed the frozen visage of a painfully frostbitten penis.
He laughed out loud, however, when Raj leant over and whispered in his ear before revealing what his dusky skinned friend had said. "He said that Sheldon wouldn't miss his."
"I heartily disagree," Sheldon said, disputing the claim. "I need that part of my genitalia to answer the call of nature."
"Yeah, but you wouldn't need it for coitus," Howard pointed out as he winked at Penny, "unlike some of us."
Penny snorted in a very unladylike manner. "In your dreams."
"As long as you're in them with me," Howard countered, making Penny shudder hard.
"I don't believe that Penny views you as a potential sexual partner," Sheldon said, his voice holding what could only be considered a note of arrogance.
It was a note that Howard couldn't miss. "I don't see her aching for you, either, Sheldon."
Leonard, Penny, and Raj all looked to Sheldon, waiting for his return comment. He didn't disappoint.
"Maybe not, but on the evolutionary scale of things I would be considered a more viable option for a mate for Penny than you ever would. I'm more intelligent, I earn more money, and I'm a doctor."
Howard twitched involuntarily as the barb hit home. However, it still didn't stop him from making a comeback. "But you've never engaged in coitus, Sheldon, and I doubt you ever will, so I'm already points ahead of you on that score."
Sheldon was just as quick at coming back. "Just because I've never engaged in coitus doesn't mean that I don't understand the mechanics of the act."
"But you're forgetting one very important thing…"
"And that is?"
"Coitus involves the exchange of body fluids," Howard said, taking great pleasure in watching Sheldon squirm at the very idea.
Raj sniggered before quickly clamping a hand over his mouth as he remembered Penny was still in the room.
"I think that point goes to Howard," Leonard gleefully said.
As Raj and Howard high fived each 6other, deciding she'd heard enough, Penny rose swiftly to her feet, clutching her half-eaten bag of fries. "I think it's time I left."
"Before you go," Sheldon said, wanting to garner the opinion of the object of their discussion, "if you had to select one of us for a potential mate, which one would you choose?"
Penny stood still in shock that Sheldon had even deigned to ask such a question, and she wondered exactly what was in the red colored glass that was sat by his knee. "None of you."
Feeling bolstered by his minor victory, Howard waggled a finger. "Uh, uh, you have to pick one."
"And if I don't, what's gonna happen?" Penny asked in a sarcastic tone. "Is the world going to come to an end? I don't think so, so no, Howard, I don't have to pick any of you."
"But if the world was going to come to an end, who would you pick?" Leonard asked, his eyes opening up in a pitiful semblance of a puppy begging.
Up until that moment, Penny would have said Leonard, having recently realized that she just might have feelings for her vertically challenged neighbor. However, the sight of him looking at her with his big brown eyes and red sauce on his chin actually made her feel quite nauseated.
Glancing around the room, she took in his three friends: Howard was giving one of his sleazy come-hither smiles that made Penny want to smash him in the face; Raj was trying not to look hopeful; and Sheldon was, well, looking like Sheldon.
Penny decided to put the cat amongst the pigeons. "I'd choose Sheldon." She then turned to go.
"Whoa there," Howard bleated. "You can't just drop that on us and leave. It has to be a joke."
Penny turned back and smiled sweetly. "It's no joke. Although he's completely bat-crap crazy…"
Everyone chorused in at that moment before Sheldon could protest, "We know, your mother had you tested."
"Well, she did."
Penny finished what she had been about to say earlier. "Even if he is bat-crap crazy, Sheldon brought up a good point earlier… he's earns quite a bit of money."
"You're picking him because he's well off?" Leonard asked Penny in a stunned voice. "I'm not exactly poor myself and I'm also a doctor."
"And lactose intolerant," Howard reminded him.
Raj whispered swiftly into Howard's ear but, not being a doctor and still smarting from the fact that Sheldon had pointed it out, Howard decided not to tell Penny that Raj had said he would treat her like a princess and that he was far richer than Sheldon, something Howard found hard to believe.
Howard instead shook his head at his friend. "She's already made her choice – she picked Sheldon."
"Raj is right, he's nuts," Leonard argued when Raj threw up his hands and made crazy signs.
"So am I for even getting into this conversation," Penny responded. "Goodnight."
As she closed the door behind her, the room exploded into a cacophony of sound.
"How could she pick Sheldon over me?"
"Perhaps because he wouldn't fart like a dray horse all night if she fed him cheesecake," Howard suggested.
"At least I'm a doctor," Leonard sniped back.
Raj then interrupted the argument with some very good points. "Why even bother arguing about who she'd pick? As Howard has already pointed out, Penny chose Sheldon."
"I don't see why, I'm the one who's always helping her with the internet and paying for her food," Leonard grumbled, still upset over Penny's decision.
"Something I'll never understand," Sheldon said, not comprehending that Leonard was simply doing it to get into Penny's panties.
"Just as we'll never understand why Penny chose you," Howard said to him.
Leonard gave a huge sigh and decided to change the subject. "Let's just play Klingon Boggle."
"A sensible suggestion, Leonard," Sheldon said, getting up and moving over to where he had placed the game, before he returned with it to his seat. "Now we can all forget about Penny."
However, despite his words, Sheldon found himself strangely unable to forget that Penny had chosen him over his roommates, and it was a thought that was to linger exasperatingly in his mind during his stay in the North Pole.