-Hey, Bill, can we talk?
Tom's question surprised me. The way he was staring at me made me comprehend he wanted to talk confidentially, and that scared me even more. Something wrong was happening to him, I knew Tom too much, I knew that feeling of powerless reflected in his sight, that pain laying in his pupils. Tom always had that freaking quirk of hidding his problems inside until they explode.
-Yeah, of course
I stuttered, and I know he realized. I could not help it, after all these years the mere idea of being alone in the same room still made me shiver and it also made appear that silly smile which always attemps to curve my lips and which was so hard to hide, some times.
-Ahm... nobody knows about that, you know...
-Yeah, I do know, you've been keeping you mouth locked until you cannot stand it anymore. Your face speaks for itself.
-Have you ever had a secret you couldn't tell anyone? Not because you didn't want to, but because you were afraid... afraid of the rejection, afraid of the pain
"I do, I love you more than anything, I get lost into your eyes every time you look at me and I really think is worth living just cause you are by my side", I thought
-Well, yeah, maybe... I don't know... -my voice was shivering exactly the same than my hands- Rejection and pain? C'mon, Tom, what's going on? - okey, truth to be told, I was starting to freak out.
-Bill... -I won't ever be able to describe what I felt with that sight. It really gave me goosebumps. I honestly had no idea of what was driving Tom crazy, but he looked very, very scared, like the world was coming to and end - I think... well, I guess I've fallen in love...
"WHAT? WHY? WHEN? WHERE? And the most important question, WHO is she?" Loads of thoughts were punching my mind at the same time. Too many questions and no logic answer. Or, at least, no answer that could save me from breaking into pieces. Tom was in love and I was about to fall apart. Well, Tom was in love and it was surprising. That's not like him. This was something new for my brother, and I could understand all his fears, but was I supposed to support him? There's no need to say Tom's happiness has always been high above my own, but anyways at that moment I was not strong enough to deal with the fact he was in love with someone else. I had to make a huge effort in order to contain my tears.
-And... is that good or wrong?
-I don't know, Bill, I have no clue...
I ran my hands through my hair, dicking my head. Suddenly, I had that passionate desire of hugging my twin brother, but I kept the head dicked instead. If I did it, if I touched him, if I actually knew everything was exactly the way it seemed to be, then I would be entire and desperately lost. And I was not sure I couls stand too much pain.
-Bill -he was making an effort for not crying, for not falling apart. I could feel it in my bones- it is weird and awkward and kinda creepy and whatever your reaction is, I will understand. I think I'm in love with a guy.
Silence. And that fucking voice in my head whispering "that guy could be you" Bulshit! How the hell he could be me? No, I've always been too weak, too porcellaneous. It was hard to breath, moreover I couldn't find a reason to keep on breathing. I felt my heart being cut like fresh flesh, bleeding slowly. It hurt, it physically hurt. I let my tears falling down beyond my cheeks, til my soul, without caring about Tom's presence. Everything that meant anything to me was broken now. Nothing had any sense anymore.
We spent an eternity looking at each other eyes, crying like two children.
-Tom... Can I ask you something? - I was still sobbing. He nodded, looking at the ground. I was aware that what I was going to say was the dirk which was about to kill me, but I had to do it, I needed to know - Who's him?
Then he stared at me doubtful, like that was not really happening. He dried his tears with the sweatshirt sleeve and looked into my eyes once again.
-If you don't know who he is... why are you crying?
I could feel he was afraid of the answer. God, the whole world was going fucking crazy.
-Why am I supposed to cry?
There was a flash, a spark crossed my mind very quickly. Just a second after I understood. And he understood too. And we smiled mischievously as the burning desire of making each other happy every single day during all a lifetime shone in our eyes.
-I thought you were gonna hate me. I thought you were disappointed and you were crying because of that - he whispered in my ear
-Shhht, don't say a word, Tom, just kiss me. Let me be your freedom.