Hello again, readers and welcome to Part Four of my five-part novelization of Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles.
First off, I must remind you all that I do not own the series or Halo; they belong to Rooster Teeth and Bungie respectively.
Finally for later chapters, here's a quick note:
'Normal text' – English
(Normal text) – Translation for Spanish
'Bold text' – O'Malley's speech
So, here we go again, folks!
Chapter 1: Familiar Surroundings
On a distant planet several light-years from Earth, there is a small box canyon known as Blood Gulch. For hundreds of years, stories had been told of great battles that took place there, between two armies whose species and reasons for fighting have been lost over the years. Nobody knows the truth of these battles, but they do know that one day, for some long-forgotten reason, the two armies disappeared from sight and peace reigned over the canyon. But now, over eight hundred years later, the silence of Blood Gulch was about to be interrupted…
"Noooooooooooooooooooo! Nohohohohoooooooohohoooooooo oo!"
Those agonized screams were coming from an orange-armored Spartan-II super-soldier, standing on the cliffs on one side of the canyon. Below him, three other Spartan-IIs, colored red, maroon and Pepto-Bismol pink respectively, stood and watched their comrade in growing concern.
"Is he ever gonna stop screaming?" Private Donut muttered crossly. "He's been up there for hours."
Their commanding officer known only as Sarge nodded and turned to the private he was most fond of. "Simmons, shut him up."
Private Simmons nodded and stepped up towards the cliff. "Hey Grif, shut the fuck up!" he yelled. "Get down here and help us check out the base!"
"No!" Private Grif moaned. "Nooo! Noooohohohohooooooo!"
Simmons sighed and turned to the others. "I don't think he's even listening to us."
"Noooooooo, actually that time I was answering your question, noooooooo!" Grif replied.
Sarge let out a groan. "Go up there and get him, Simmons."
Donut glanced up as Grif started his longest scream. "If he keeps screaming like that, he's gonna pass out and fall off the cliff."
"Cancel that order, Simmons!" Sarge commanded.
"Donut, get me a sniper rifle," Sarge sighed.
"Yes sir," Donut replied eagerly and he ran off towards the Warthog Mk 2.
Meanwhile, in a distant complex by the beach, now known as Zanzibar, three other Spartan-IIs, colored teal, regulation blue and black respectively, were engaged in conversation.
"And he says 'Did I read it? I already ruined it!'" Private Tucker finished his story while he played with his energy sword.
"That's disgusting," Freelancer Tex scowled.
Private Caboose tilted his helmeted head in confusion. "I don't get it."
Just then, a white ghostly figure appeared behind them, bent double as he panted with fear and exhaustion. "What… the fuck… was that?"
"Hey, Church!" Caboose called out.
"Hey," Tucker muttered.
"Huh?" Tex added.
The ghostly leader of the Blues stared at his teammates in surprise. "Isn't anyone gonna ask me, 'What happened to your body, Church?'"
"What happened to your body, Church?" Tex and Tucker muttered in simultaneous boredom.
"What happened to some... body, Church?" Caboose added.
"Hell if I know," Church replied with a shrug. "All I know is, I was sitting there talking to Gary and-"
"The bomb?" Tex asked.
"No that's Andy," Church corrected. "Gary is the computer."
Tex gave a dismissive shrug. "Meh, I don't even remember most of your names half the time."
"I know my name!" Caboose cried out. "You can ask me if you forget."
"Hey, can we please focus on me?" Church yelled.
"By the way, he's Church."
"Yes, thank you Caboose, she knows."
"He is the mean one."
"Thank you, Caboose!"
"See, he is mad," Caboose explained. "Now he'll just stare at me until I stop talking, then when he thinks I am done talking, then he will start talking again."
Church stared at him for a while then turned to the others. "Okay, I was talking to Gary and-"
"Told you so."
"Classic Church," Caboose chuckled.
"I wonder if a ghost can have an aneurysm," Tucker thought aloud to himself.
"Anyway," Church shouted. "I was talking to Gary about the Great Destroyer, who at the time we thought was Tex…"
As Church neared the generator room, he could hear Gary still in a panic. "THE GREAT DESTROYER HAS ARRIVED, THE END IS NEAR! THE GREAT DESTROYER HAS ARRIVED, THE END IS NEAR!"
"Oh, come on, Gary, Gary, Gary, stop, stop, stop!" Church yelled, running up to the screen. "Hey listen, if Tex is not the Destroyer from the prophecy, then who is?"
At once, the computer face fell silent and faded back to blue.
"And that's when I turned around, and I saw…"
Church slowly turned around and he saw…
"Saw what?" Caboose asked. "Saw O'Malley?"
"What the…?" Church cried out. "Caboose, get outta the story, man! No, it wasn't O'Malley."
"What was it, a helicopter?"
"Stop interrupting and I'll tell you," Church sighed.
"Yeah, Caboose, shut up," Tucker cut in.
"Hey, Tucker, you're interrupting now too," Church snapped. "Everybody just get outta here!"
"Me? I'm just tryin' to punch up the story," Tucker replied. "Check this out…"
He pointed to where Tex was standing on a wall and threw his voice through her. "Hi everybody, I'm super horny from all the robot killing. Hey is it hot in here? Who wants to help me out of this heavy armor, this breastplate is so itchy."
End Flashback before this gets too weird
"Bow chicka bow- whoa…" Tucker's voice trailed off as he spotted Tex pointing her battle rifle at his head. "Story's over."
"You're a pig," Tex growled.
"I didn't even get to the part where the sailors show up," Tucker muttered ruefully.
Tex then turned to Church. "Just tell us, what did you see?"
"Um," Church struggled to recall. "It was a really big… thing."
"That's your story?" Tex spluttered. "You saw a big thing."
"Eh, my story had a big thing in it too," Tucker moaned. "You just didn't give it time to develop."
"Well, I didn't really get a clear look at it," Church argued.
"At Tucker's big thing?" Caboose asked.
"No, dumbass," Church retorted. "At the big thing in the base that attacked me… All I know is that it was slimy and it had lots of teeth."
"Kinky," Tucker grinned.
"Seriously dude, cut the shit," Church snapped. "We've got a situation on our hands."
"Well, how did you fight it off?" Tex asked.
"Fight it off? You must have me confused with someone who's brave. I got the hell outta there."
"You're telling me you left your body behind?"
"I had to get outta there fast. That body was just dead weight."
"I know the feeling," Caboose muttered.
"What is that supposed to mean?" Church scowled, folding his arms.
Tucker then burst out laughing. "Hahahaha, some slimy toothed monster scared the crap outta Church! Hahaha!"
"He didn't scare the crap outta him," Tex corrected. "He scared the soul outta him."
"Oh, it's Church, what's the difference?" Tucker giggled. "His soul is made outta crap. Stupid crap for soul…"
Church glowered at Tucker then turned towards the base. "For all I know, he's in there chewin' on my body right now."
Tex raised her battle rifle. "Well then, let's go get this big thing of yours!"
"Bow chicka bow wow!" Tucker added.
"Oh shut up," Tex scowled.
"Shut up, Tucker," Church agreed.
But Tucker was now in the groove. "Did somebody call for a really hairy plumber? Bow chicka bow wow!"
"Tucker, shut up!"
"I came here to lay some pipe. Bow-chicka-bow-wow!"
"So I hear you got sisters. Bow-chicka- who're twins! –Wow-wow!"
"Hey, are you a model or famous actress? Bow-chicka-bow-wow!"
"Bow chickachicka bow wow chickachicka bow wow chickachikachikachika bow wow!"
And there you have it. The Reds are back in Blood Gulch and the Blues have trouble in their hands.