A/N: So I was listening to Who You Are by Jessie J (but I was listening to the Madilyn Bailey cover, check it out she's an amazing singer!) and it made me start thinking about a sad oneshot I could write with caring!Harvey...so I did it haha. And if you haven't be sure to check out my multi-chapter, Lean on Me :) There's Daddy!Harvey haha
Big thanks to Phoenix on cloud nine for looking this over for me! I really appreciate it
Disclaimer: I don't own Suits. Anyone wanna buy me an early birthday present?
And I'd like to dedicate this little story to my grandpa who passed away earlier this summer. I love him and miss him so much... So here's to you Grandpa :)
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing
It's okay to not be okay
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart
Tears don't mean you're losing
There's nothing wrong with who you are
- Who You Are by Jessie J
Mike walked into the chapel, glancing around at the sea of black. Black suits, black dresses, black shoes… There was an eruption of whispers as he made his way into the room, but he ignored it. A few people turned to him, giving him their condolences…but he could find no sincerity behind them. Most of these people were only here because they had to be; they hadn't known her, much less ever really cared about her. It frustrated him…but it wasn't really what he was focused on.
The young man walked up the isle toward the front of the room in silence. Everything felt like it was happening in slow motion and the sounds were faded into the background, his movements, the soft sounds from the piano in the corner, everyone's words. It was like he wasn't really there…like it wasn't all real. He wished it wasn't, he desperately wanted to just wake up and find out it was all some horrible dream. When he reached the half-open coffin at the front of the room, he shoved his hands in his pockets and bit his lower lip. He did his best to take slow, even breaths, but his throat burned furiously as he held back a grievous sob. His eyes watered, but he did his best not to cry. It hurt…so much. It hurt like hell as he stood there and looked down at his grandmother.
It brought him back to when he was eleven, at his parents' funeral. He'd been a complete mess. All he'd wanted was to curl up in his parents' bed, with them, and for them to tell him everything was alright and that they'd always be there. But instead it had been his Grammy. She'd been the one to hold him close while they said goodbye and while he couldn't sleep for weeks after the accident. She'd taken care of him, despite the fact that it was incredibly difficult for her to do so at her age, and he'd never really taken the time to appreciate all she'd done for him. And now it was too late and she was gone. She was gone and he was alone.
I'm so sorry, Grammy, he thought. I love you.
Mike jumped slightly when the pastor approached, placing a hand on his shoulder. He turned, blinking away the building tears and wiping the emotion from his face.
"I'm so sorry for your loss, Mr. Ross," the man said. "If you'd like to start now?"
"Yeah, I guess…" he said quietly.
When he turned back to the pews to take his seat up at the front, he gave a small nod to Jenny and Trevor who stood in the back. None of them were on particularly good terms at the moment, but they'd both known his grandmother almost as well as he had, and he was glad they'd showed up. But Mike was even more shocked to see a small group sitting in the far left corner of the tiny room. Harvey, Donna, and Rachel. They looked at him sympathetically, which only bothered him. He gave them a small smile, but Donna looked ready to run up and hug him. Mike couldn't help but be surprised that Harvey, who spent most of their workdays trying to prove to him that he did not care about him, would be there.
The pastor cleared his throat, cuing Mike and the rest of the guests to take their seats. Mike took a deep breath and sat up straight as the pastor began his routine speech about Heaven and God…
The young lawyer tried with all his might to listen to the prayers and readings done by various family members but he simply couldn't find it in him to do so. He fidgeted uncomfortably, his eyes fixed on the coffin. He didn't want to listen to all of this nonsense. Mike just wanted to be alone with his Grammy so he could say goodbye, without worrying about being watched by their family and friends. But he would just have to wait…
"Now Edith's grandson, Mike, would like to say a few words…" the pastor said slowly.
Mike took a minute to process it, and he suddenly felt sick as he stood. It was so easy for him to stand in a court room, in front of a judge, jury, and countless others, but he was suddenly terrified of talking in front of a few family members.
"Uh…yeah…" He turned to everyone, unsure where to look. "I'd like to um, thank everyone for coming today. It means a lot to have you here…to me and Gram…my grandmother."
He glanced over at Jenny and Trevor, seeking their help out of habit. But it did nothing… Mike scanned the small crowd until he reached Harvey. The older man simply nodded in encouragement.
"As many of you know, I lost my parents when I was just a kid," he went on, the burning sensation in his throat quickly returning. "It was a really hard time and uh, I was lucky to have Grammy. She took me in and worked three jobs to support us, uh, even though it was really hard for her. She never complained, and Grammy…she was there for me during everything that happened in my life…"
He paused, taking in a deep, ragged breath. He was aware of how badly he was beginning to shake, and Harvey looked a bit concerned at that point. Mike ran his fingers through his hair, feeling stressed.
"She was uh…one of the few people who always believed in me and now…I'm sorry…" Mike suddenly stopped; his blue eyes wide and moist. With that he shook his head and quickly strode down the isle and out of the room.
Everyone glanced around in confusion, unsure what to do next. One person stood up quickly and followed the distraught man out. Rachel looked over at Donna, her brown eyes watering, before they turned to look out the door like everyone else.
Mike burst into the bathroom, trying to control his breathing. He covered his face with his hands, pacing a little for a moment as he counted to ten over and over. He couldn't seem to stop hyperventilating. Mike leaned against the counter, staring down at his hands, then up at his reflection. His eyes were red and a little puffy. His hair that had been combed neatly to the side now looked like he'd just woken up and his skin had paled remarkably since his arrival to the cemetery.
It was all just too much. He didn't want to be in that room talking about his Grammy while all of those people stared at him pitifully. Only a few days before he'd been sitting with her in the nursing home, telling her all about work, his problems with Rachel, and how Harvey had brilliantly crushed the opposition in court the other day. And like she did every time when he came to visit; she told him that she was proud of him. Grammy had wanted to see them in court sometime… Mike had been on his way to tell her she could during one of their next cases when he got the call from the nursing home.
I didn't even get to say goodbye.
He shook his head then threw his tie over his shoulder as he leaned forward. Turning on the faucet, he quickly splashed his face with the water, ignoring the opening door. Mike stood up, turning the water off again and reached for a paper towel, but the man at the door handed him one first.
"Thanks," he grumbled, drying his face slowly. Then he quickly pushed back his boss and walked out.
He wasn't really sure which way he was going, but he needed some air, so he headed for the first exit he saw. Harvey followed slowly behind, watching him carefully. Mike walked outside to the parking lot and stood by the curb facing towards the rest of the cemetery, a sea of green grass and grey headstones.
"You okay, kid?" Harvey stood a little bit away, his hands shoved in his pockets.
"Do you care?"
"No," Harvey deadpanned, lightly sitting on the hood of a nearby car.
"Then leave," Mike snapped, not in the mood for his boss' snarky, arrogant attitude.
Harvey remained silent as the younger man stared at the grass below his feet as he paced back and forth. Mike held his breath as the sobs and tears continued to build up inside of him. The last thing he needed was to break down in front of his emotionally unavailable boss.
"Have you cried at all?" Harvey asked suddenly.
Mike paused and glanced up to look at him in confusion.
"Because you look like you're going to explode any second now," he went on.
The associate said nothing. He really didn't trust himself to open his mouth at all. He wasn't about to waste any of his energy on Harvey…
"Have you even talked to anyone?"
"I mean in an actual conversation about all of this."
Mike turned around to glare at his boss. "Why do you care?"
"I already said that I don't."
He shook his head, pinching the bridge of his nose tightly. He was growing frustrated quickly. Why couldn't the guy leave him alone for a little while? Why was he constantly getting on Mike's case? Even at the worst of times?
"If you're going to cry, you might as well do it now," Harvey said with a shrug, showing no signs of leaving.
"I'm fine, Harvey," he mumbled, keeping his eyes shut tightly.
"Right, sure you are. That's why you just ran out of there in the middle of your little eulogy."
"Why do you have to be such an ass?" Mike snapped. "Just get the hell out and leave me alone."
"I'm just trying to figure out why you haven't really showed an ounce of being really upset…I mean you cared about her, didn't you?"
Mike spun around, practically seething at his boss' words. "You think I don't care? She was the only real family I had left! All of those people in there, they don't really care. They were never there for us before, they didn't know her…"
Harvey shook his head, running his fingers through his slicked back hair and adjusting his suit jacket. He was aware of what he was saying. He didn't want Mike to hold all of it in until he lost it… He was like a balloon that was growing bigger and bigger at the moment…bound to pop at some point, so what did it matter if Harvey poked it with a needle to speed things along? It wasn't because he cared, of course. He just didn't want his 'reflection' to fall apart in the middle of a court room when he got frustrated…
He watched as Mike sank to the ground, resting his elbows on his knees with his hands clasped tightly in front of him. His eyes were glazed as he stared at the countless graves in front of him. It was getting increasingly harder to not just cry. He just wanted to say 'What the hell?' and let go of caring who saw him at his worst.
"Mike…" Harvey said slowly.
The young man sucked in a sharp breath, his lower lip wobbling. It made him feel like a child, but it was nearly uncontrollable. Suddenly Mike found himself practically choking on his own sobs as they racked his body. His face was instantly soaked with tears. He covered his face with his hands again, occasionally attempting to wipe his cheeks dry, to no avail. His mind was practically screaming at him to buck up and calm down. He really didn't want Harvey to see him like this, but it was like some sort of internal dam had broken and now the tears just wouldn't stop.
Harvey knelt down in front of his associate, brow cinched together. He'd tried to lie and tell himself that he didn't care about the kid, but the truth was that it nearly broke his heart to see Mike like this. In so many ways he was like a younger brother to Harvey; he really did remind the older man of his own kid brother. Mike spent so much time trying to copy Harvey's tough bravado - like a younger brother often does, that he'd never actually seen him so hurt.
"Mike," he said again, trying to get the younger man's attention.
"I'm s-sorr-sorry," he managed to get out, taking a shaky breath. "I know I'm being a wuss."
The older man shook his head. "No, you're not, Mike. You're acting like someone should in your situation. It was really only a matter of time, but it's better you do it now rather than later."
Mike continued to look down at his knees, sniffling loudly as tears continued to fall down his paled cheeks.
"Mike, it's okay to not be okay. That doesn't make you weak."
A pair of blue eyes looked up at him in surprise, a faint smile touched his lips.
"Who are you and what have you done with Harvey Specter?" he joked dryly.
"Sorry," Mike muttered, resting his chin on his arms. "It just hurts…a lot…"
Harvey sat beside him, not caring that he was sitting on the ground in on of his nicest suits. He stiffened minutely as Mike unknowingly leaned against him a little.
"I just always thought she'd be here, you know? It'd really always been just us…and now it's just me." His voice was barely above a whisper, but his tone was hopeless…heartbreaking.
"Mike…kid…you aren't alone, okay? I mean, you've got Donna, Rachel, Jenny…occasionally that Trevor. And uh, me. I don't think any of us plan on going anywhere anytime soon." Harvey nudged Mike lightly, smiling at him sadly.
He nodded in understanding, though he was still a little perplexed by this side of his boss. "Thanks…" he muttered.
He had to admit, he'd never really thought of them as being like a second family. Well he had, but it was nice to hear it confirmed by another person, to know that they really were there for him. And maybe his grandmother had also seen it. Mike remembered when he'd gotten upset one time when they were talking about the fact that she might not last much longer. He'd said that she had to stay, she had to keep fighting; not even caring that it made him sound like a child. He hadn't wanted to lose his only family. He told her he didn't want to be all alone, because that's what he would be if she left.
"I highly doubt that, Michael," she'd said. "Everyday, you're surrounded by people who care about you. I think you've got yourself a ready-made family… You listen to me, Michael. Even when I am gone, you won't be alone. Got it? Just keep doing what you're doing and you'll be okay."
Mike nodded slowly to himself. Maybe she'd been right after all. As much as it hurt now to realize that she was gone…something told him that it'd all be okay.
"What do you say about getting off the ground and going back inside now, kid?" Harvey suggested, standing up and brushing off his suit pants.
Mike stood up carefully, mimicking his boss' actions as they began their way back to the chapel. They walked in silence, both thinking over the conversation they'd had. Mike hesitated when they came to the door, glancing at his boss behind him. Harvey leaned forward, opening up the door, placing a hand on his associate's back as to direct him inside.
"So…" he began, still not moving.
"Does this mean you care?" Mike whispered, smirking at his boss.
"Yeah, okay." Though the reply was meant to sound sarcastic, Mike could only hear the sincerity behind it.
"You care about me." Mike grinned at his boss.
"Just go inside, kid," Harvey ordered, gently pushing him inside, doing his best to hide his own smile as he shook his head.