This is completely crack. It was thought up with some of my good friends and then Co-Written with OrangePotato. A word of caution, if you're a fan of Dawn of the New World, turn back now. This story will be making fun of the concepts and characters/characterizations of the game. It's meant to be funny and not meant to offend anyone. But, if you loved DotNW, READ WITH CAUTION! However, if you're like me and didn't much care for the sequel to Symphonia, this'll be a good read for you.

The original characters will be portrayed as the second game depicts them! Do not message me about how they are OOC! Remember, this is not to be taken seriously. Also, the cover for this story was borrowed from here: member_ ?mode=medium&illust_id=20958156 Just thought I'd give credit where credit is due.

Please understand that neither OrangePotato nor I hate DotNW. If you want our full opinion of the game, message either one of us. WE DO NOT HATE IT, WE JUST DISLIKED PARTS OF IT. And that happens to be the parts we're poking fun at.

Sorry for the long A/N. As always, Read, Enjoy and Review!


Chapter One: The Gum that Lied

Once upon a time…

There was a GREAT tree that was the source of all manamana! A war killed the tree dead and this goddess chick Martel gave up her life to save the planet! Unfortunately, she slept for a super long time and because her younger brother drank all of her coffee, she stayed asleep while he thought up some really crazy ass plan.

ENTER LLOYD AND FRIENDS! They saved the world from the coffee stealing, crazy ass brother and unified the worlds because they were two separate worlds, Sylvarant and Tethe'alla. Now that they're one, you can forget all of what you just read because IT IS NOT IMPORTANT! SCREW CANON! IT SUCKS!

INSTEAD!

Born was a boy with blonde hair and bright green eyes whose name was Emil Castneasdfjkl! His alter ego, the kick-ass Ratatosk, his bestest buddy, Marta, and ever constant companion Tenebrae faced many freaking challenges! Most but not limited to CENTURIONS CORE HUNTING! After Emil gathered all of the very valuable and totally not filler cores, he momentarily forgets about them to fight back the Sylvarant dynasty, which ends up killing but not really killing Marta's pappy. It was a sssaaaadddd moment and then shit happens and Aster is actually Emil and Ritcher is possibly madly in love with him (who knows, just saying) and Emil pulls this whole trick to try and die or something and the cores are all but forgotten until the end when the door to hell is sealed and they all lived happily ever after…

OR SO THEY THOUGHT!

Emil was walking to the super market to buy a package of napkins, some plastic forks, a bag of pretzels and a dozen eggs. Martel herself has no freaking idea what he's gonna do with that stuff, but he's gonna buy it anyway.

So, as Emil was walking, he noticed that the usual HAPPY'S SUPER MARKET was recently bought out by a very very very very very familiar looking name.

Just open! Lezerano Super Market

Emil shrugged and walked inside to get the previously mentioned list of items as well as a pack of gum because they had his favorite flavor, amago! He carried his stuff to the checkout counter where the lady gave him a strange look but proceeded to check him out. As the stuff ran through the scanner, Emil raised a blonde, elegant eyebrow.

Beep…Luzerne Eggs

Beep…Luzerne Napkins

Beep…Lezerano's Crunchy Prezels (only 100 calories per 10 sticks to maintain that hero figure of yours!)

Even when Emil's precious gum crossed the red lines of beepy-ness, he saw to his horror that it was not amago flavored but in fact, LEZERANO FLAVORED GUM!

"What in the name of Ignis?" Emil stammered. It didn't take him long to gather up the bags of his recently purchased goods and head out the door. He was taking off through the streets, running so fast on his beautifully chiseled legs that he ran into someone and they fell to the ground!

Many oomfs were exchanged as well as a good laugh from the audience (that's right, you know you laughed) and he looked over to see it was none other than SHEENA FUJIBYASHI!

"Sheena!"

"Emil! I'm so sorry I ran into you, I'm so abnormally klutzy." She got up, dusting off her purple clothes before helping the blonde to his feet. "I'm in a hurry. As the chief of Mizuho, I have a few questions to ask Regal."

"Regal? You mean the president of the Lezerano company?" Emil was suddenly shocked, shock covering his lovely girlish yet totally masculine face. All of his beloved goods, even his beloved gum, had just been bought out by Regal. "Wait, what's up with Regal? Everything I bought today has his name on it."

"It's too hard to explain, but come with me and hopefully we can get some answers." Before the chief could ninja dash off, she tripped and fell into a trap hole with a "whhhoooaa!" Emil just laughed at his overtly exuberant friend before running to the Lezerano company base.

Bursting through the door in typical awesome Emil fashion, he stomped forward and demanded a band-aide because while he was making his dramatic entrance, he got a splinter. They promptly gave him a band-aide and led him to Regal.

He could have sworn he heard evil laughter as he walked the hallway to his blue haired buddy's office. But imagine Emil's shock when he saw Regal looking blessedly surprised.

Que Regal's theme music.

"What is it, Emil, oh friend of mine?"

Emil strutted forward with the confidence he eventually got in the game and leaned on Regal's desk all cool like. "What's up with your business? It seems like they own everything now."

Regal gave a creepy smile before standing from behind his desk, "that's because Lezerano DOES own everything…" He pulled open a curtain that was behind him and showed the city below, Lezerano was painted on everything. Every street lamp, every postage stamp, every little old lady and her walker. Every brick and stone and obsidian building. All of it LEZERANO!

"You're going mad with power!"

"That's because my company owns everything! Don't you want to own everything, Emil? If you join me…Lezerano can OWN. YOUR. SOUL."

Flailing madly out of the office, nay, the hallway, nay, the building, nay, the city, only to pause when he saw that even the grass outside was stained with LEZERANO! He ran back to the city, nay, back to the building, nay, back to the hallway, nay, back to the office.

"I will stop you!" Emil fled through the afore mentioned places to the only place Lezerano didn't own…FlAHnoir.


Congrats! You made it through chapter one! Tell me your feels but please, no flames. If there's anything YOU noticed about the game, character wise or story wise, please put it in a review and OrangePotato and I will see what we can do about including it!

Hey, if you want to be forever cool like Emil, check out OrangePotato and my co-write, Glory's Casket. Search OrangePotato's name and you'll find it!