I bet you guys thought I died! Sorry it took so long to update this (well, not that long, like two weeks but, you know. Long enough). Anyway, with starting school and getting use to classes, I just wasn't in the funny-bone mood, making this rather difficult to write (And no amount of OrangePotato sending me humorous prompts or death threats helped). Not only that, but I've been focusing what exists of my free time onadding to the queue for Glory's Casket, a collab fanfiction I'm working on (also with OrangePotato). Go check it out! It updates twice a week now! Regardless of my reasons, the next chapter is out now.
OrangePotato and I would like to give a special thanks to Link Fangirl01, Vesperian-Ivia-Elemental and Curls 923 for reviewing and, of course, a big thanks to those of you who continue to read this crack fic! As always, READ, ENJOY AND REVIEW!
Chapter Four: Spamming the C Button
Emil was so flabbergasted that flabbergasted didn't even describe how flabbergasted he was! He was so freaking flabbergasted that he pulled out some pills from his RAYard, anti-flabbergasting meds. Which didn't treat gas, as they sounded like they did. It was meant to treat FLABBERGASTION, or, according to the EMILPOTATO dictionary, the state of being so beyond flabbergast that it becomes a serious medical condition of the liver, FLABBERGASTION! So Emil popped his anit-flabbergastion medication*Known side effects of this medication are severe "I'm Sorry" episodes, known to cause frequent hatred from ones friends and relatives. Also, it can make you extremely venerable to becoming the main character in a very crappy story line. It should be taken with caution.
Landing outside the sign which read "WELCOME TO LEZARENOVILLE" Emil, Marta and everyone else who is not as important but somewhat worth mentioning looked at the town, painted gray and periwinkle. Marta frowned, making her adorable as puppies and kittens face sad, "Eeeemmmmmiiiilllllll, this is terrible!" She screeched in her melodic voice, bringing birds fluttering to her feet. They chirped along with her screech and whine, making music that made the audience tear up and ALMOST made Regal, who was inside the city, cry. When Regal didn't cry, however, the audience scorned and continued to listen to Marta's lovely voice.
"Marta," Emil said, "You're singing is nice and all but, we've got really important things to do now." So, Marta stopped singing, much to everyone's sadness, and they all started talking because they hadn't had a cut scene since last chapter! Every cut scene was necessary and relevant, explaining the story over and over just to make sure EVERY SINGLE PERSON could understand where they were headed, why they were headed there and also to listen to Emil and Marta and the ever lovable Tenebrae speak.
"So, what are we going to do now that we're outside Lezareno?" Colette asked before tripping and falling face first onto one of the many signs outside the city. "I'm sorry!" Standing up, she dusted herself off and fell again, tripping comically into Marta this time, since Sheena had long since gone. "I'M SORRY MARTA!"
"That's okay, Colette. I use to hate you because you KILLED MY MOM! and RAN AWAY! from your DUTIES AS THE CHOSEN!, but I've completely forgiven you now."
"I'm so glad we're friends," the blonde ditzy girl said as she smiled. Then she tripped once more, everyone ignoring her as she fell. "I'm sorry ground…" she mumbled through a broken nose.
Presea shook her head, "Poor Colette, so preposterously prone to painful plunges." Everyone nodded their head as Colette got up, smiling like she hadn't just broken her nose or fractured her face.
ALL OF THE SUDDEN! The audience noticed a small icon in the corner of their screens! As the audience suppressed their laughter (because, seriously, who WOULDN'T be laughing after Colette tripped for the millionth time) they clicked the button.
Raine: Colette, I need you to balance these books on your head for absolutely no reason.
Colette: Okay, Professor! *wobbles and zags as Raine is thinking*
Marta: Professor? What are you doing!
Raine: I'm testing a theory. Even though we're quite busy saving the world right now, I randomly decided it was the perfect time to diagnose Colette.
Raine: That's right. She's got Clumsynosis.
Colette: *Trips and falls* WWHHHaoooaoooaooafhdlfjdlsaf lkdjslkfjlewj afjewajfo;wjf!
Audiene: *Good hearted chuckling*
Marta: HOLY GLACIUS OF ICE AND ALL OTHER THINGS FROSTY…INCLUDING ICE CREAM! I guess Colette really DOES have Clumsynosis! I feel so bad for blaming her for KILLING MY MOTHER!, ABANDONING HER DUTIES AS THE CHOSEN!, and DESTROYING PALMAcostA!
Colette: *gets up and trips again, getting the classic dizzy eyes*
Marta and Raine: Clumsynosis strikes again.
After that well-meaning and totally worthwhile, plot oriented skit, the party continued. As they walked through LezarenoVille, they could see that all of the inhabitants were glitchy anglic-looking-but-not-angels who could be mistaken as those aboard the comet Derris Kharlan (which for all intents and purposes doesn't exist) who had hair and outfits that matched Regal's!
"Oh, for the love Lumen! Not only is Regal trying to take over the world but he's giving everyone bad fashion sense!" Emil screamed as he struck a pose in his amazing blue leotard like outfit…yah. That thing. It's awesome. That's all that matters.
Anyway, everyone nodded! Gasping, Genis angstly said, "We've got to do a HeLl of a lot of work to save the world this time!"
Presea blinked, her eyes become almost…clear? "It's so strange…These angels, they're almost like the ones we saw in Derris-" A GIANT EXPLOSION INTERRUPTED PRESEA! FIRE CAME DOWN FROM THE SKY, PARTING THE CLOUDS AS IT DID! TWO ANGELIC LOOKING BEINGS, ONE WITH LONG FIRE RED HAIR AND THE OTHER WITH COPPER SHORT BUT MORE LOVELY THAN THE RED HAIRED HAIR, LANDED ON THE GROUND, SPEAKING IN UNISON. ONE VOICE, BEAUTIFUL AND ELEGANT, THE OTHER, not so much.
"THERE WILL BE NO MENTION OF THE FIRST SUCKY, LAME, BORING, TOTALLY CLICHÉ GAME!"
Presea looked at the very strange beings before her, "What are you talking about? The first game was actually the better of the-"
"SILENCE PRESEA! GO BACK TO BEING THE PAWPAD LOVING…" The copper haired angel person turned to the red haired one, whispering, "what else is there to her character in the second game?"
"I don't know, Lime. Make something up. That's pretty much what you're doing for the majority of this fanfiction anyway."
"Oh…okay." She cleared her throat, "EXCUSE ME, I WAS IN THE RESTROOM. NOW!"
"But you never left." Presea spoke, raising an eyebrow.
"I SAID SILENCE!" A giant fiery explosion exploded as the two began speaking together again, "GO BACK TO THE PAWPAD LOVING…HELPFUL, COMPLETELY TRUSTING, EXCENTRIC AND TALKATIVE GIRL YOU ARE IN THE SECOND GAME!" Just like that, the two disappeared and everything was back to normal, the life and soul in Presea's eyes disappearing once more.
She spoke, "Please pardon my peroration." A random dog appeared beside her. "PAW PADS…" She chased after the dog, Colette following after.
"Puppy! I want to name you Beatrice!" She, again, tripped and landed on a switch which just so happened to open a back door into the Lezareno company. "Oh no! I'm going to let in a breeze!" She quickly slammed the switch with her face again, closing it up.
Emil shouted, "Wait! I think I just found a way to infiltrate Lezareno!" He ran over, helping Colette to her feet. Naturally, she tripped the moment a dust speck got in her way, opening the passageway yet again.
Everyone gasped! Emil had to pop his anti-flabbergasting meds just to deal with how flabbergasting this situation was!
Colette clapped her hands, "Wow, Emil! You're so smart. Who would have thought that this switch activates when people trip onto it?"
Skit: Lover's spat
Colette: Wow, Emil! You found a way into the Lezareno company! You're so smart!
Emil: *blushes* Thanks, Colette, but really, I'm not that great…I'm actually kind of pathetic.
Colette: That's not true!
Raine: That's right! Emil, you're amazing! Just look at the grades you get on your homework!
Presea: Precisely! You're Paw Pad Perfect!
Emil: thanks everyone…*blushes some more*
Marta: EMIL! Ugh! You're totally cheating on me! Ah! I can't believe you!
Emil: M-Marta! No! That's not it!
Marta: Why don't you love me!
Tenebrae: Ah, the troubles of young love.
Marta and Emil: You stay out of this, Tenebrae!
Heading inside, Raine was amazed because naturally the passageway was made entirely out of ruins from some lost civilization. "WOW! RUINS!" Dashing off, the group and audience giggled at Raine once again because Ruin Mode just Never. Gets. Old.
Tenebrae, who surprising hadn't cracked a joke this entire chapter, spoke up, "I love this darkness! It's such a high quality of darkness! This darkness is so dark, not even the darkness of the darkest night could match this darkness! I want to bottle up this darkness and take it home with me. Back to my dark home. Maybe I'll even take this darkness on a date! Anyone care to join me and the darkness on a 'bottle' date?"
The hallway erupted with laughter, Emil slapping his knee, "Oh, Tenebrae!"
"Tenebie, I love your jokes!" Colette said shortly before tripping into a wall.
"It's Tenebrae!" More laughing because, you know, just like Ruin Mode, that also never gets old.
Zelos was walking, angsty angst filling his thoughts. He looked to his right and who should be there but LLOYD IRVING! "Bud," he said, running over to him. "Hey, you scared me when you ran off. What's up with you?"
Lloyd turned a super characteristically cold shoulder towards one of his best friends, "Nothing. Don't bother me, Zelos." His voice, which was clearly NOT Scott Menville, said.
"Bud, you can trust me. Tell me what's wrong? Emil, my personal bestest friend ever, says he doesn't trust you."
Lloyd glared at Zelos, saying in his not-Menville voice, "I don't care!"
Zelos paused, "Hey bud, is something wrong with your voice? It sounds kind of, you know, wonky." Zelos' angst had disappeared for the moment, making him actually care about someone else for a while.
"My voice? No, nothing's wrong with it. It sounds just like the original, doesn't it?"
Zelos furrowed his eyebrows, "If you're sure…I INSTANTLY BELIEVE YOU!" He hugged Lloyd, who returned a hug because they're really good friends (but not so good that Lloyd would bother sharing his dark, secret plans with him. Also, they were not as good of friends as Emil and him).
Lloyd suddenly pulled out his sword, pointing it at Zelos, "Don't follow me! I'm going rouge!" Running off, the redhead was left to ponder his friend's leaving.
"Lloyd…I hate you so much!" Turning around, he stormed off. His canon angst having returned. Instantly, he ran into his group. Colette gave off a scream as she landed on her butt after having run into Zelos.
"Zelos?" Genis asked, his voice for once not cracking from the latent effects of puberty.
Seeing that he'd run into his former traveling group, he smiled, "EMIL! LONG TIME NO SEE BUDDY!" He hugged Emil, the blonde, whose brilliant jade colored eyes lit up the darkness much to Tenebrae's dismay, returned it before giving Zelos a brofist.
"Hey best friend!"
"Right back at you!" Zelos suddenly remembered that he'd run into Lloyd and that somehow the others hadn't seen him. "Oh! I ran into Lloyd! He's up to something sneaky!"
Emil nodded, "Lloyd can't be trusted. After all, he destroyed PalmaCOSTa…even though that's not really true…But whatever! He did it and I'm angsty about it!" Suddenly shifting (due to the intense amount of anger he felt, obviously) the cheerful, bright, happy, sunshiny Emil turned into RATATOSK!
His now ruby colored eyes lit up the darkness, still irking Tenebrae.
Marta gasped in horror, "Ratatosk!"
Skit: Just freaking admit you love each other Pt. 1
Marta: Emil…I mean, uh…Ratatosk…
Ratatosk: Spit it out, Marta!
Marta: You're so mean! *runs off screen*
Johnny Yong Bosch-I mean- the voice whore-I mean- Ratatosk spoke, "Marta…Oh yah, she hates me. I better not talk to her just to create some kind of romantic tension between the two of us…kind of like Bella and Edward in the Twilight movies…"
Skit: Just freaking admit you love each other Pt. 2
Tenebrae: *descends from the top of the screen* Should we call it, 'silent (k)night'? Hahaha.
Marta and Ratatosk: *Glare* …
END THIS SUPER NECESSARY SKIT!
Ratatosk stared stoically ahead, "Come on, I sense Centurions Cores."
Genis interrupted, puberty back in full swing, "Ratatosk, we're not looking for dAmN Centurion cores. We're looking for that BAsTaRD, Regal."
Ratatosk shook his head, "No, Regal has taken all of the cores and become mad with power." That shocking plot twist, (not like it happened to Marta's pappy or anything) not only caused the party to gasp but made the audience nearly fall from their seats, or, if they were laying, fall through the earth!
"Regal has to be stopped," Marta said, clearly ignoring the EXTREMELY INTENSE ROMANTIC TENSION between herself and Ratatosk/Emil. "We can't let him hurt people like papa…" Everyone shared a couple of tissues as they reminisced about the sorrows that had happened in the second game, no one, to this day, quite sure if Marta's father had actually lived or died.
Ratatosk stepped forward, pulling out his sword in typical hero/anti-hero fashion, swinging it down as everyone gasped in awe. "Let's go!" Charging forward, they reached the end of the hall, knowing Regal lie just beyond the door.
Congratulations on making it through the longest OuaLC chapter yet! So, was there anything YOU noticed in DotNW that bothered you, sent you up a wall or made you break your expensive flat screen tv? Please leave a review and let us know! OrangePotato and I would love to include it in this fanfiction!
Do you want to be as dAMn cool of a BasTarD as Genis? Then drop by OrangePotato and My co-write, Glory's Casket! Simply click on my name, scroll to the bottom of my profile and click on the link to the story! It's never been easier! And if you click on it within ten minutes of completing this fanfiction, you'll get a wing pack ABSOLUTELY FREE! That's right, I'm shamelessly advertising my other fanfiction!
Now, don't type something into that box at the bottom of this screen and hit the post review button. And no, this is not reverse psychology at work. Nothing like that at all...