Standard Disclaimer Set: I don't own Lucius, Voldemort, Mr Borgin, Harry Potter or Dumbledore. JKR owns them. I also don't own Monty Python. This is for fun only. Also, before I get turned into flambe' a la author, this is not a pro-Voldemort fic...
A Door opens. [The Death March Slowly Plays]
Mr Borgin appears silently from a dark back room as Lucius Malfoy strides into Knockturn Traders. Lord Voldemort, currently mounted on a Nimbus 2050, floats behind Mr Malfoy, who, is, apparently using Moblius Corpus to facilitate the transportation of Lord Voldemort.
Mr Borgin tries to aparate out of the building (unsuccessfully).
Lucius: Ah Mr Borgin, just the Death Eater to whom I wish to speak to. I would like to register a complaint.
Mr Borgin: What do you mean "a complaint"?
Lucius: I wish to complain about this New Improved Dark Lord that I bought from this shop not half an hour ago.
Mr Borgin: Ah yes; New Improved Dark Lord; a very good specimen I might add. What's wrong with it?
Lucius: I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Mr Borgin: Oh no, Mr Malfoy, it's just resting. Look!
Mr Borgin suruptitiously casts Crucio (The New Improved Dark Lord does not move)
Lucius: Look, Mr Borgin, I know a dead New Improved Dark Lord when I see one and I'm looking at one right now.
Mr Borgin: No, no, Mr Malfoy, it's not dead; it's just resting.
Mr Borgin: Yes, remarkable this New Improved Dark Lord, the Tom Riddle Model. Far outsells the Grindelwald model; wish I had more in stock. Great maniacal potential there; and such a fashionable Dark-Mark, isn't it? Skilled at Dark Curses too, perfect for your Muggle Roast and Afters.
Lucius: The maniacal potential doesn't enter into it - it's stone dead!
Mr Borgin: No, no, it's just resting.
Lucius: All right then, if he's resting I'll wake it up. (*Shouts at the floating corpse*) Hello, Voldemort, I have got Harry Potter, bound and gagged here for you!
Mr Borgin: (*Jogging the floating corpse *) There, it moved!
Lucius: No, it didn't. That was you pushing the floating corpse!
Mr Borgin: I did not!
Lucius: Did too!
Mr Borgin: Did not!
(This goes on for some time until Lucius whacks Mr Borgin over the head with his cane)
Lucius: Yes, you did. (*Picks Voldemort up, shouts*) Hello, Voldemort, Voldie, old chum (*Bangs the corpse against counter*) Voldemort, wake up, Dark Lord. (*Throws Voldemort in the air and lets him fall to the floor) Now that's what I call a dead Dark Lord.
Mr Borgin: No, no, you've stunned it.
Lucius: Mr Borgin I couldn't stun it if I bought Albus Dumbedore in here locked in the throes of passion with that witch McGonagall, in cat form.
(Mr Borgin looks very ill at the imagined scene; so too does the corpse of Lord Voldemort.)
Lucius: Look, Mr Borgin, I've just about had enough of this. This Dark Lord is definitely deceased. And when I bought it not over half an hour ago, you assured me that his lack of movement was due to it being tired out after an all night session pan-frying Muggles.
Mr Borgin: He's probably planning a dark revel even now.
Lucius: Dark revel? It couldn't plan a dark revel if you put 50 000 exploding bon-bons, courtesy of Weasley & Weasley for all your pranking pleasure, up its rear end; as I will now demonstrate!
(Massive explosion and scene cuts to a smoking Voldemort now carrying a sign saying "Ouch!")
Lucius: See! And how is it going to "plan a dark revel" flat on its back? Which is how I found it not two moments after I got it back to the Manor.
Mr Borgin: The Tom Riddle Model prefers kipping on its back. Wonderful maniacal potential there, and as for Avada Kedavra, well this model could cast it with his eyes closed.
Lucius: The maniacal potential still doesn't enter into it; in fact it's so dead it couldn't cast Wingardium Leviosa let alone anything useful. Now stop changing the subject. Look, (*Turns Voldemort over*) I took the liberty of examining that New Improved Dark Lord, and I discovered the only reason that it had been standing up in the first place, is that it had been nailed to that Nimbus 2050, by muggle nails [eeewww], no less!
Mr Borgin: Well, of course he was nailed there! Otherwise, he would muscle up and *voom*! You'd be cursed up in no time...
Lucius: Look, Mr Borgin (*Picks up a very stiff Voldemort*) this Dark Lord wouldn't *voom* even if I sent a charmed ferret up its arse! (*Proceeds to do precisely that, with absolutely #no# response from Voldemort, though Draco is heard to chitter darkly*) He's bleeding #demised#!
Mr Borgin: He's not, he's pining for the old days!
Lucius: Pining for the old days! He's bloody snuffed it! He's passed on. This New Improved Dark Lord is no more. He has ceased to be. He's a stiff. Bereft of life, he rests in peace (*Harry and Dumbledore are heard in the background, cheering*). If you hadn't nailed him to this Nimbus (Good move, by the way), he would be pushing up the mandrakes. He's brung down the curtain and joined the choir ghostly. This is an ex-Dark-Lord.
Mr Borgin: Well, all right, all right; but I thought you liked your Dark-Lord dead; still I'd better replace him, then.
Lucius: Dead no; apparently gone, yes; lulls those foolish Mugglelovers into a false sense of security.
Mr Borgin: Um, the thing is, I don't actually have a replacement Dark Lord in stock.
Lucius: I see. I see. (Lucius prepares to cast Crucio).
Mr Borgin: No need for that, I get the picture, Gov'ner. Look, if you go to my Aunt's cousin's twice removed shop, 'Villians are Us' in Knockedup Alley I sure he'll replace the . . . Dark Lord for you.
Lucius: Villians are Us'? Very well.
The Mr Malfoy leaves but not before letting loose with a couple of Crucio's followed by an imperceptible Imperio. After walking the length of Knockedup Alley Mr Malfoy stands in front of the same store he had left moments before only the sign had been changed to protect the stupid.
Mr Malfoy walks into Villians are Us' just as Mr Borgin is putting on a false moustache.
Lucius: This is 'Villians are Us' is it?
Mr Borgin (with a fake mustache): No, this is Phoenixes Fallases; the place to go to end up Knockedup... see it's a play on words?
Lucius (with the ex-Lord Voldemort still floating behind): No it isn't!
Mr Borgin (with a fake mustache): Yes it is. You've ended up here and you are Knockedup.
Lucius (with the ex-Lord Voldemort still floating behind): I'm not knockedup! I am in Knockedup Alley.
Mr Borgin (with a fake mustache): See I told you...
Lucius (looking at something that looks suspiciously like a Muggle camera): I don't care where I am.
Mr Borgin (with a fake mustache): But if you don't care where you are how are you going to get anywhere?
Lucius: I am going to get somewhere with this complaint or it is Crucio for you.
Mr Borgin (with a fake mustache): I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!
Lucius: I beg your pardon...?
Mr Borgin (with a fake mustache): I'm a qualified griffin wrangler! I only do this job because I like being my own boss!
Lucius: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?
Mr Borgin (with a fake mustache): Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these skits out to 150 lines, you know.
Lucius: Well, I wish to complain. I got this New Improved Dark from Knockturn Traders and I was told to come here to register my complaint.
Mr Borgin (with a fake mustache): No, no, you don't register your complaints here. You've got to go to Villains Are Us in Knockedup Alley.
Lucius: I thought I was in Villians Are Us in Knockedup Alley. Lucius begins to fondle his wand, lovingly.
Mr Borgin (with a fake mustache): Hey, none of that, this is a family establishment and I will have no wand fondling happening here. You might shoot off and then I'll have a terrible mess to clean up.
Lucius (looking more than a little confused): In that case, I shall return to the Knockturn Traders shop!
Lucius storms off, muttering to himself with a very angry ferret on a leash next to him.
Lucius: I understand this IS Knockturn Traders.
Mr Borgin (still with the fake moustache): Um, yeah?
Lucius: You told me it was Villians Are Us!
Mr Borgin (having removed his fake moustache): ...It was a pun.
Lucius: (pause) A PUN?
Mr Borgin: No, no...not a pun...What's that thing that spells the same backwards
Lucius: (Long pause) A palindrome...?
Mr Borgin: Yeah, that's it!
Lucius: It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of " Knockturn Traders " would be "sredart nrutkconK"! It don't work!
Mr Borgin: Well, what do you want?
Lucius: I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as I think this is getting far too silly!
Peter Petigrew: Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too silly...(takes Mr Borgin and Lucius by their arms) Come on, you, you've got to go do another sketch now! Come on... (They walk out of the store, leaving the Lord Voldemort, floating on his Nimbus 2050, alone in the store being gnawed on by the ferret)
Lord Voldemort: (to the audience) Well! I never wanted to do this in the first place.
I wanted to be...
A piano vamp is heard as Lucius, Pettigrew, and Bella Black dance the can-can into view, attired in black cloaks and silver half-masks, behind Lord Voldemort.
Apparating from revel to revel! As we float down the mighty rivers of Hogwarts! With the Dark Lord by our side!
The Self-fertilising shrub!
The Little Whomping Willow Tree!
We'd chant! Chant! Chant!
With our hob nailed boots and silver masks, we'll knock off whoever you ask.
Oh, I'm a Deatheater, and I'm okay, I hex all night, roast muggles all day.
He's a Deatheater, and he's okay,
He Hexes all night, roasts muggles all day.
I cast Imperio;
I eat petit fours,
I go to the lava-try.
On Wednesdays I study Herbology,
And have buttered scones for tea.
Deatheaters: He casts Imperio,
He eats petit fours,
He goes to the lava-try.
On Wednesdays 'e studies Herbology,
And has buttered scones for tea.
I flirt with Mudbloods,
I cross stitch and sew,
I like to study wild flowers.
And I put on Muggle clothing,
And hang around in bars.
Deatheaters: He flirt with Mudbloods, he cross stitch and sews,
He likes to study wild flowers.
He puts on Muggle clothing
And hangs around... In bars?
I cast Imperio,
I wear tight Jeans,
In Flannel shirts I star,
I wish I'd been a Muggle,
Just like my dear papa.
Deatheaters: He cuts down trees, he wears tight jeans?
And in flannel shirts, he stars?
(spoken, raggedly) What's this? Wants to be a *muggle*? What?
Voldemort (lisping): And I thought you were so rugged!
Deatheaters (looking nervous): He's our glorious leader, and he's okaaaaaaayyy... (ARRRGGGHHHH!). They scream as he casts Crucio on all of them...