"Sssssss..." - Parseltongue speech
Harry groaned as he woke up to see a…HUMONGOUS CAT ON HIS…shush, shush Harry quickly thought to himself before he could scream in terror and unintentionally awaken the cat the was at least as big as him and could eat him in one or two bites.
'How the hell did this happen?' Harry frantically thought to himself, as the cat…hell no, the thing should be called a monster…purred as its head and upper half of its body rested on top of his chest. The truly scary thing wasn't that it had a disturbingly large number of teeth or that it was as big as some of the wild hyenas he so often had to take down, but the fact that it snuck past his other pets and went to sleep with him as a pillow…ALL without him noticing!?
It would be a fair statement to say that Harry wasn't a happy camper, speaking of which it was getting rather hard to breathe for him as his chest was getting slowly crushed by this heavy cat-monster.
Harry wondered why he gets into these situations with new animals following him around. Did he smell good or something?
"Pssssssssst…Nagini, why do I have a cat on me?"
"Issssn't sssshe your pet? Your sssccccent isss allll over her." Nagini grumped, "Now leeeave meee aloneee, I want to sssllleep."
Nagini loved her beauty naps, although if Harry insisted on waking her up every morning with pointless questions, she would consider moving back to Voldemort's place and see what he thought of that!
"When did I get a new pet? I don't remember ever havinnng a cat as a pet."
"Sssshe'sssss the Nundu you adopted, zzz…snore…"
That was also another point in Voldemort's favor, she didn't have to share him with any other pets. Although if Harry fed the Nundu to her, then she might be tempted to stay, mmm…she knew that fried Nundu tasted like chicken.
Harry sighed, so the Nundu had come back? Well he wasn't too surprised, just a little shocked that it would curl up to him like this. Honestly, he expected it to have left for better pickings, go live in a cave, munching on the poor creatures walking by, like all the other Nundus did.
"Alright Harry, it's now or never. Fingers crossed on it not mauling your face off." He mumbled to himself as he grabbed a dagger for protection as he nudged the Nundu, hoping for the best.
The Nundu sleepily opened its purple-colored eyes and yawned, showing the many (oh gods so much teeth couldn't possibly fit!) teeth in her jaws. Then a sound echoed that froze Harry in place like a solid stone statue waiting for the inevitable attack, the Nundu's belly rumbling in hunger.
Then the Nundu crawled off Harry and bumped him with her head in an unmistakable message for food.
Harry got up and did his daily chores to feed himself and his two…er…three pets. He had to take down a hyena, rat, and pig for the Nundu, Nagini, and Hedwig. He then leaned back against a tree right behind him and started thinking seriously about his life and what he was going to do.
Harry had a great time in Africa, but while he had escaped from his house for freedom, he truly wasn't free. Oh sure, he could do whatever he wanted and the danger he faced on a daily basis made him feel as if he was alive for the first time in his life, but sooner or later he was going to have to go back to Hogwarts and there was still Voldemort out there who wanted his head on a silver platter.
"Hmmm…I guess I'm going to have to 'Siriusly' focus on getting stronger and better, I'll go back to the village for info on that." Harry decided just as a ball of purple fur tackled him and whined for more food while simultaneously licking his face.
"Oh yeah, I need to call you something…hmmm, how about Furball, it describes you perfectly!" Harry muttered to himself.
"Alright, now get off me…Furball!"
The Nundu suddenly growled with its teeth dangerously close to his throat.
"Okay, okay, okay! I won't call you that!" Harry gulped as he nervously realized that he had just avoided a severe mauling by a Nundu that was too close to him for his tastes. He wanted it on the next continent, preferably buried under fifty feet of dirt and then an ocean and encased in concrete for good measure.
"Soooo, seeing how you understand me and can make me regret annoying you, no insulting names for you then."
"Hmm…I'll go with Aerfen, it means to end a battle and I always prefer to end a fight, rather than starting one."
The Nundu then purrrrrrrred in agreement. Harry stared at it and groaned, "What is it with me and intelligent female animals joining up with me. Is it supposed to be a harem for furries or something?"
The Order of the Phoenix were rushing off to Africa to find Harry; little did they know, it'd be like finding a needle in a haystack crawling with venomous creatures from Hagrid's Care of Magical Creatures. Among the Order were Dumbledore, McGonagall, Snape, Tonks, Moody and Sirius.
"Alright, everyone scatter around and ask everyone you can find in this village. We just came from the only train that Harry could've taken to Africa, so Harry must have passed by through here. Dumbledore, you're coming with me, I don't trust what you'd do right now if you found Harry first. Stay in pairs, people and be back here in an hour. I better not see you two, Snape and Sirius, doing anything to each other. Are we clear people?! Then, go, go, go, go!" McGonagall barked. She was furious that Harry, her favorite student, had been left in danger and she was going to have words with Dumbledore when they got back to Hogwarts. After all, how could she win the Quidditch Cup without a Seeker?
McGonagall ran off, Dumbledore in tow while snarling, "If Harry's not okay, so the gods of magic help me, Dumbledore you are going to…"
The group scattered with everyone else thinking, "Don't ever get McGonagall angry."
Harry strolled through a random village, unfortunately very far away from the one that the Order was combing through right now, with his pets trailing behind him. The village looked abandoned, but all of the people were just hiding in terror from Harry's new pet Nundu.
"I wonder where all of the people went? I know everybody was here just last week when I was stopping by for food supplies. Oh hey, there's a guy running away right now. Why is he screaming in fear? Eh oh well, Aerfen go fetch…HEY! I SAID FETCH, NOT EAT HIM!"
"Let him go, he's in no shape to run anywhere. Look, he passed out and his pants are soiled now. No you can't have him as a treat; you'll spoil your appetite for dinner."
Harry then slapped the guy until he came around, "Mommy did you see the number of that truck that hit me and tried to eat me?"
Harry sternly told him, "Okay, one-I'm not your mommy and two-where can I find someone to train me in dueling for a price?"
"Try Stan's Safari two villages up north." The poor sap replied before passing out again.
"What is it with all of these villagers? You'd think living in Africa would have made them a little less likely to faint when you have ravenous predators after you? HEY Aerfen, I said no eating him, Nagini and Hedwig, that goes double for you too!"
"Have you seen a boy with green eyes and black hair come by here a few weeks ago?"
The bartender was looking down and polishing his glass that seemed to use magic to stay dirty and muttered, "How should I know? Now'days it takes meh awhile to remem'er an'thin' importan', but I could speed i'up if my pockets were a little heavier wit' coin…if ya catch my drift."
"How dare you disrespect your ex-teacher, Bert or should I say, Empty-Pockets Bert, mmmm?"
The bartender looked up with wide-open eyes, dropping his poorly faked accent, "I didn't know it was you Professor, I swear!"
"Then tell me what you know about Harry, and I won't let everyone know about your embarrassments in trying to date Sharon in your seventh year."
"Hey wasn't that a girl you bragged about getting into the sack with when you were in school?" A customer called out on the opposite end of the bar.
"Now, now, I don't think you need to go that far to get him to talk, after all I don't think poor Bert deserve you spilling his secrets."
"Silence, I'm furious at you right now, so don't say another word! And I'm spilling if you don't confess!" as she glared at Bert the bartender.
"Alright! I'll tell you everything free of charge! Please don't say anything else about my school days!"
"While normally I don't condone lying, I'll let it go for now. Tell me what you know about the boy I described."
"I never heard of him and there's no such person in the village right now, but you should ask Snakebite, he knows everybody around here."
"Where can we find this Mister…Snakebite?"
"He's probably in the bush right now; he'll be back in a week to a month, never if he kicks the bucket before then. I don't know anything else, sorry."
"Thank you for helping."
As they left, one of the customers asked, "Hey, I guess you aren't going to pay up on your debts, are you Empty-Pockets Bert?" to roars of laughter
"Alright, you're telling me what I want to know or I'm doing despicable things to you right now that'll be considered crimes against nature." He growled to the poor unfortunate villager who was just passing by and been captured.
"Why are you asking him? We should be asking a bartender for the information. It is common knowledge that they have information for sale."
"First of all, this way is cheaper and second of all, the enemy can't have a planted spy to feed us misinformation if they have to replace every single civilian instead of just replacing the bartenders. Now stop bothering me and let torture this guy for Harry's location."
"Why should I tell you anything? I live in Africa and you guys aren't as scary as the dangers I face on a daily basis." The villager arrogantly responded.
"You see the guy next to me? He killed and tortured hundreds of people in the last war against Voldemort, and that's public information. He's teaching kids in Hogwarts as the Potions teacher. Now look at me, I'm the Defense Against Dark Arts teacher this upcoming school year and already the students are more afraid of me than of him. Do you really want me to hurt you for the information I want?"
"What do you want to know?" The villager politely replied.
"Now tell us what we need to know about a boy with green eyes, black hair, almost about fifteen years old, and is roughly 5'6" tall."
"I should have KNOWN you monsters were looking for him! You're trying to find Snakebite? Hah! You don't scare me as much as he does! The guy has a freaking Nundu as a pet, rode a zebra and cooked it once, is one of the richest bastards in Africa, and there are rumors that me killed a Basilisk as a kid."
"Sounds like Potter alright, just like his father, another attention-seeking prat."
"The kid is impressive, but I'm sure that we could do worse things to you, involving some nipple clamps, baby oil, whips aaaaand my friend here getting…friendly with you…"
"I WILL NOT BE HELPING YOU D-D-DO THIS FOR POTTER!"
"Oh? So, you'd do it for someone else? I didn't know you swung that way. Congratulations on coming out of the closet."
"It doesn't matter what you do to me, I don't know where Snakebite is. Please let me go." The villager whimpered.
"Well pal, I'm sorry, but I don't believe you."
The villager moaned in terror. Even Snakebite couldn't be this bad, could he?
She breathed in and asked sweetly while displaying her…er…assets, "Hey you seen a boy named Harry Potter, green eyes, messy black hair?"
The bartender yawned, "Sorry, I don't know anything."
She hffed, "Are you…sure?" She whispered in a sultry voice, straining her chest even more.
The bartender crisply spoke, "Nope toots." Didn't she know he wasn't giving anything up without some money? It was the only reason he was doing better than the bar down the street, now that poor fool was going out of business soon with all the women getting free drinks.
"Give it up sweetie, it's against union regulations for him to blabber everything to a pretty woman. Now a bride on another hand is different, step back and let the master get to work."
"That's right, regs prevent me from saying anything except, 'What do you want to drink?' without a hefty bride…ahem…hefty bride…there you go, that's the amount I wanted. It sounds like you're looking for Snakebite himself. I'd wait for him here, but if you wanted to find someone else to tell you where to find him, I'd suggest going to Stan's Safari to find him there. There's a saying that if you waited by the Safari, then sooner or later everyone in Africa will pass by, unless they're dead first."
"See kiddo, if you stick with me then you'll learn how to get info, being a woman's great to get it out of young suckers, but for older men and other women, you need lessons."
"I don't know what you're talking about, all I know is that you just spent all of our money and I know that you were planning on spending it for some drinks later."
The Order gathered back together in front of the train station to report on their findings.
"Harry isn't in the village anymore, but I hear that a pleasant fellow by the name of Snakebite can help us."
"Hah, PLEASANT? Harry and Snakebite are the same person! Both despicable attention-grabbers like his father."
"No mocking my student, or you WILL regret it." A very catlike growl snarled out along with whispers of 'shut up or you'll regret it'.
"He's lying; the kid did some very impressive stuff according to a very reliable source, pity he couldn't provide us with any more information."
"After what you did to him? I'll be lucky NOT to have nightmares for a month after this."
"Umm, we heard that Snakebite might be at Stan's Safari."
"We spent our booze money for that information." He wept at that admission.
"I'd thought you'd be glad to spend it for Harry's sake?"
"I am, but if Harry's been in Africa for a month, then he's ready to lose his Fire Whisky virginity and I wanted to be the one to buy the first bottle." He explained.
"...you are a disturbed man…"
"Hey what did you expect after twelve years in Azkaban?"
"Let's just get to the Safari…I hope Harry's there."
Harry stood in front of a wooden building that looked like it was falling apart, a faded sign on the front saying, "Stan's Safari, The ONLY Safari with a death rate in the SINGLE-DIGITS! Prices-15 Galleons for adults and 12 Galleons for children with a 5 Galleon deposit."
"Why are my spidey senses tingling?"
A/N-Hello dear readers, I'm sorry for not updating in more than a month. *ducks rotten fruit* Sorry! As a reward for the late update, I have a logic puzzle to solve. The Order was divided into pairs for their search for Harry, figure out who were interviewing Bert the bartender, the villager, and the nameless bartender. If you think that was too easy then, figure out who was saying each line, especially the conversation with the entire Order at the end.
I was busy with my summer job and then college applications when the Common App was released. Although, I was suffering from some writer's block, so I can't say it was entirely because of being busy. Anyway, I was finally motivated into finishing the chapter when I got a lot of e-mails from the website, when a lot of people started adding me to their favorite stories. I was impressed to have so many people reading my writing, I hope that the chapters are funny enough; writing humor isn't my strong suit.
I also finally introduced the Nundu, not that I forgot about it in the last chapter or anything. *looks away whistling innocently* Also, this is the first chapter where there is absolutely nothing written by Rorschach's Blot, which might have been the reason for my writer's block. Yay!
Anyway, I have a new beta, his name is gster391, and he's been really helpful. Check out my profile, I have a little section at the bottom of my profile on how I'm doing in writing the next chapter of my fan fics. I might be posting a new Harry Potter Fan fic soon, I abandoned my Twilight one. It'll be posted some other time. Read and Review, people and you'll get imaginary, cyber cookies! I'm only three more reviews away from a hundred of them.