Your name is John Egbert and your life sucks. The economy is shit and you are attending college in hopes to make more money than your parents would ever wish for themselves. You are attending TAU, also known as "Troll Academy University." Your job is to blend in with these hideous gray-skinned life forms that are widely known as "the trolls. Their school is supposedly better than the average run-of-the-mill human academy or university and graduate with a degree. You have a variety of activities and interests including marching band and computer programming and are hoping to become the school's drum major. In addition, you are so nerdy that you are often a major punching bag and eyesore to everyone else around you and you are secretly a homosexual. You are hoping that college life will be awesome and be forever life-changing. Today, you must meet your new dorm roommate. What will you do?
(Examine dorm room.)
There is a blonde-haired boy in your room. He is wearing dark shades and he is so cool looking compared to your nerdy and socially awkward self that it makes you sick to your stomach. He seems like a big full-of-himself douchebag looking all cool and wearing his shades and leaning up against the wall in his cool manner. His name is Dave Strider and he's your new love slave, I mean, roommate. He's incredibly hot, but you decide to not introduce yourself as a homo to avoid the awkwardness. God, do you have so many mixed feelings and emotions about him. You decide to enter the room and unload your things.
Dave doesn't say anything as you unpack your things. Instead, he just silently stared down at you as you continued to do your thing.
You looked up at Dave. "Are you going to stare at me all day and not say anything?"
"No," Dave began. "I just wait until people talk to me first. When people don't talk to me I just think that they are full of themselves and that they think that they are too cool for me."
Well then, easy for him to say.
"Well, my name is John and I hope that we can be good roommates!"
Dave listened and then paused for a moment before speaking.
"So, what are you at college for…new roommate?" Dave asked as he pointed at you. "Got something cool going on for you?"
"What I am going to study?"
"Yupp," he said slowly.
"I'm undecided so far, but I really want to have something to do with computers and I want to be a part of the marching band."
Dave interrupted you. "Say little man," he begins and then pauses. "Do you have a girlfriend?"
For a moment, you wanted to tell Dave that you weren't straight, but opted to not to come out of the closet to this new guy quite yet.
"I don't…have a girlfriend," you replied.
"Yah that is what I thought," Dave assumed. "You seem like a complete loser, no offense, and dude; you are a total bum and need some cool stuff to do. Hang out with me and follow my lead and I could probably get you laid by the end of the week."
You blushed and seemed flustered that Dave was already stereotyping you.
"Thanks Dave, but I don't think the time is right to be taking advice from you…"
Dave bites his lip and remained silent.
You then thought that it was perfect to ask Dave the same question.
"Do you have a girlfriend?" you asked.
"Of course not," Dave answered. "Do I need one?"
"Oh, so are you a complete bum and loser, too?"
"Come again?" Dave asked.
The talk was interrupted by a troll that came in through the door. He introduced himself as Karkat.
"Hey human fuckasses," Karkat called into your room. "I live in the room next to you."
Dave nodded his head at Karkat and seemed to have the slightest expression of shock. "Well, that is cool, nice to meet you…again…"
"Hey, Dave?" you asked.
Dave paused for a few seconds before answering and he looks up at you.
"Yes?" he answered.
"How come you talk to Karkat when he first came in, but you wouldn't talk to me?" you asked. "Totally unfair…"
Dave said nothing, but sighed.
"Humans can be such dumbshits sometimes, so get used to it," Karkat said in an irritated manner. "Oh shit, right. You and Dave are already used to it because you two are the only two humans at this school! Well, have to unpack my junk. I hope to see you." He left the room.
"What an interesting and pleasant guy," you said.
"What do you mean, "Yupp?"" you asked. "You certainly are not much for words, Dave."
Dave still had not moved from up against the wall.
You finish unpacking your things. "Hey, Dave?"
Dave looked down at you. "Sup?"
"Do you want to hang out with me? I mean, we are going to be roommates and stuff…"
"You mean…party?" Dave asked. He lit up. "You mean, have fun?"
"No, I meant to just come and take a walk with me…I was going to go and register for marching band," you explained.
Dave silently thought for a moment and then proclaimed that a stupid idea…
"Does it look like I play the fucking Squakaphone?" Dave asked.
Gee does this guy have a lot of sass or what?
You laughed at Dave's remark. "No it doesn't look like you do and you don't have to join band. Just come and walk with me, okay?"
"With what?" you asked. You were getting rather frustrated. Dave seemed really stubborn. "Why am I even asking? Just…Fine, I am just going, now…"
You proceeded out the door and stick your head back inside the doorframe to finish up your statement.
In reality, you did not want to be alone, so you decided to walk next door to see if Karkat wanted to join you. You knock on the door and wait patiently.
Karkat opened up his door and he seemed happy to see you. "Hi human fuckass, what would you like?"
"Would you mind calling me, John?" you asked and you laughed. He seemed to have a creative and somewhat temperamental personality. "I was wondering if you wanted to go for a walk with me."
"Why sure…sorry if I seem like a big douchebag, I tend to call all humans "fuckass,"" Karkat explained.
"Okay, nice knowing…"
Karkat went back into his room. You could hear him talking to someone and then he returned. "Would you mind if my roommate, Gamzee, comes along?"
"Why, yes, he can.," you said. "The more, the merrier."
You and your new friends walked down together to the music department building. There was a long line outside of the building for music-related signups. It was a pleasant and sunny day.
"Oh fuck…a line, my favorite," Karkat said sarcastically.
"What a motherfucking miracle," Gamzee said.
"I am sure it won't be too long. Please stay with me, guys?" you pleaded.
"Of course we will, right Gamzee?"
"Sure thing, best friend," he replied.
"Hey, I know that you guys don't know me too well, yet, but so far, do think I am a nerdy socially awkward loser?" you ask Karkat and Gamzee out of curiosity.
"Nah, what makes you think that, I wonder?" Gamzee asked.
"Well, Dave thinks that I am and I got beat up a lot in high school," you explained. "Not the best years of my life."
"Gee, new buddy, high school motherfucking sucks. You look a bit nerdy, but you seem more social than most, but don't let it bother you…especially Dave," Gamzee rambled. He poked Karkat who was spacing off at something in the distance. "Hey, hey, Karkat?"
Karkat faced Gamzee. "Yes, bro?"
"We want to tell John here "the news," right? If you know what I am motherfucking talking about…"
Karkat thought for a moment, and then remembered.
"Oh, is this the stuff about Dave?" Karkat asked. "If I recall…"
"Yes, it motherfucking is…"
"Okay," Karkat began. "Gamz and I here went to high school with Dave. Trust me; we have a lot of dirt on him."
Gamzee nodded in approval. "Dave is a bit stuck up. However, I have to admit Karkat and I were a little too harsh on him."
"Basically, Dave is a big fuckass douchebag who thinks he is too cool for everyone. Gamzee and I took pictures of him in the men's locker room after gym class. Long story short, he's a homosexual and dresses in feminine clothing when nobody is looking…or when he thinks nobody is looking. He appears so stuck up, nobody fucks around with him."
You then determined that it was time for the confession…or secret, if you would so call it.
"So, would you mind if I allow you in on a little secret?" you asked.
"Sure," Gamzee and Karkat both said.
"You promise not to tell anyone, right?"
"Sure," Karkat said.
"I am actually a homosexual myself," you said. You were glad to get that heavy secret-of-a-burden off of your shoulders.
Karkat and Gamzee did not appear shocked at this fact. They instead nodded and thanked you for being open and honest about it. You all move up the line and were almost at the registration table.
"You aren't going to shun me?" you asked, a bit surprised.
"Fuck, no. You're awesome! Thanks for sharing!" Karkat said.
"Really?" you exclaimed.
"This goes deep, man. I'm sure that there are plenty of dudes around here looking for love," Gamzee began.
"You mean, troll dudes?" you asked.
"Of course...troll dudes," Gamzee laughed. "Are you motherfucking blind? You're white in a sea of gray skinned inhabitants. For you humans, it would be like you living in Africa and being the only white person there. You stick out like a sore thumb, buddy. What else is there?"
You reach the front of the line. You sign up to run for the drum major position and also sign up to play the trombone in the marching band. After that, you begin to walk towards the dorm building.
"I will just play in the band if I don't make the cut for drum major…"
"I hope that you get the spot," Gamzee said. "Back in middle school, I played the triangle."
"Good accomplishment," you said sarcastically.
"Gamzee here tends to show his thoughtfulness more than me," Karkat explained who gestured at Gamzee. "Honestly, don't take all of his words and advice. He fucked around a lot in high school…he's such a bad example…"
"You did too and we may have been the class clowns, best friend, but we were badass motherfuckers. I mean, we were hilarious. Everybody loved us. We also got the "best friends" superlative in the school yearbook and shit. We make a great team."
"Yes, we did…and we almost failed every class our senior year," Karkat said. "And you screwed up our chemistry labs by mixing Faygo in all of our chemical compounds-"
"I remember. You are pretty funny, too, but you should not lose your temper so much, best friend," Gamzee said.
"I hope that I can make a good friend here," you said.
"Stick with us and you'll regret nothing. We're pretty awesome when compared to most," Karkat said.
You, Karkat, and Gamzee got to their dorm room floor and walk back into your room. Dave was sitting on the top bunk of the bunk beds with his legs hanging off with his hands perched on his knees. Karkat popped into your room.
"I got your room buddy signed up for his activities, you ungrateful piece of shit!" Karkat raged.
"Karkat, calm down, it is okay, I got this," you explained as you walked towards the door. "I'll take care of any issues here and we can hang out this evening, okay? Come by soon? I just need to talk to Dave alone for a few minutes."
"I promise that I will come, too," Gamzee added.
You bid farewell to his new friends. You close the door, leaving it unlocked and turned to Dave.
"Dave, what is your problem?"
"I…I just am a bit shy sometimes and no offense, your new friends are douchebags," Dave began.
"Hey, I like them. They are honest and funny and like to joke around. Take some fun in your life for a change. You on the other hand are just very stuck up!"
Dave looked down at you from the bunk. "You think that I am stuck up, huh?"
"Yes, very. Also, we are roommates and I think that we should be honest for each other…"
You pause for a moment and decided to "say it" and that there was no turning back.
"Dave, I'm gay."
Dave smiled at you.
"Actually, I am as well."
Oh, dear god. You declare this awkward…
You sit on the lower bunk. "I know this is all awkward and sudden, but since we are roommates, I felt like that you should know and I don't like hiding things from people."
You sat up straight and then Dave leaned over into your lower bunk space. Your faces were just inches apart.
"So, if we have nothing to hide, we can forget all the shit that happened when we first met earlier and then could we just get a bit up close and personal and share everything we got, if you know what I mean?" Dave urged.
You seem a bit unsure about this, even though he had very mixed feelings of finding Dave attractive even though he could be a bit stuck up.
"You know," Dave began. "If we never get personal, we might never get to know each other. That is what you want, right?"
You stretch out your arms and sighed. "I suppose so."
"So kiss me."
You want to abscond from Dave, but there is no possible way. Dave's beautiful face is only a couple of inches away from yours and nobody says "no" to Dave Strider.
"I suppose we can, after all, there is nobody watching," you replied.
Dave leans in closer to you.
You wonder if the blood was rushing to his head since he is hanging upside-down.
"Who cares? We're roommates. What happens between us can stay alight?" Dave said.
You give in. "Okay."
Dave leaned in closer. He was still leaning upside down from the top bunk and had perfect balance. And then he proceeded and leaned in to touch lips with you. You and Dave began to open-mouth kiss each other. How touching. You put your hands around Dave's face tenderly and you both continued to go at it. This lasted for about a minute and it then broke apart for a moment.
"You are such a good kisser, John. Have you done this before?"
You were a bit heated and shocked. You never kissed anybody before.
You both began to smooch, again. At the same time, you feel like a complete idiot for doing this and feel like your brain just shrunk to a fifth of its original size. Stupid, stupid, stupid. A few seconds later, the room to their dorm room flew open. Karkat was standing in the door.
"John, you fuckass! And Dave!" Karkat yelled. His eyes narrowed at Dave and then he turned to look at you for a moment and back at Dave. "What the fuck are you doing to my friend here?"
"Karkat, this isn't what it looks like…I was just trying to get a random speck of glitter off of John's face," Dave lied. He clumsily fell off of the top bunk and landed on his face.
"Uh huh, sure," Karkat said suspiciously. "You were cleaning his face? With your mouth? Or is it something else…like you trying to take advantage of him?"
"No, no, of course not, and can you knock next time?" Dave asked. He was extremely red in the face.
"So, you here to come get me so we can hang out, Karkat?" you asked.
"Yes, of course.
Where are we going?"
"Well, a party…the Fantroll Sorority…"
"Will there be alcohol?" you asked.
Gamzee appeared next to Karkat and you and he seemed to be pondering the situation. You are not much up for parties much less the idea of sipping booze and watching everybody get wasted off of their asses.
"I just don't know."
"You don't need to get motherfucking drunk. Just hang out with us and you will meet more people, okay? It's fun…"
"I suppose so...I'll give it a shot…and by that I don't mean the alcoholic type," you said as you turn to Dave. "Want to go to a party, Dave?"
Dave was on the floor still. He leaned up.
"Yes, I love parties! I am all about them even though I am a wallflower and sit in a corner half of the time. Let's get hammered, John, together. Like good up-and-personal roommates!"
"Dave, I am not getting drunk. That's stupid," you said in a bit irritated manner. You could probably hit Dave over the head with an iron mallet and he still wouldn't feel anything much less understand that you don't want to indulge yourself with intoxicating liquids.
Dave stood up. He approached you and pleaded.
"Come on, just try it, please?" Dave asked.
"Motherfucking peer pressure," Gamzee said.
"Gee Dave, shut up! John doesn't want to drink. Get over it already!" Karkat yelled at Dave.
"Okay, for now, but I won't give up on you, John. You need to try something totally immature and irresponsible with me sometime, okay?" Dave asked.
You ponder your mind. "I'll think about it, but no promises, yet, okay?"
"I know that Dave and I have a lot of motherfucking junk on our records here from our high school years," Gamzee began.
"Yes," Karkat added.
"But let us put the past behind us," Gamzee lit up.
"I agree with Gamzee here," Karkat agreed. "Let us put out past behind us. Dave, I know that we screwed around in high school and you hate us because we were so immature and intolerable and we still are, but would you please put the past behind us and give us another chance?"
Dave pondered the question. He put his finger to his lip and sighed.
"I suppose I might as well."
"Okay, you coming with us?"
"Of course I am," Dave said.
All seemed to be going better than what it had in the past. You, Karkat, Gamzee, and Dave had clean slates of emotions towards each other, minus you as you feel very attracted to Dave. Off to a party, hoping to have the night of your lives two days before the college classes start. Good friends were made and good times were about to go on. What could possibly go wrong?