"Hi Tony. Would you care to explain your recent acquisitions?" Pepper did not smile at him through the video link.
"What, no 'I miss you, I love you, fly back to Malibu and make sweet sweet love to me you sexy bastard'? I'm hurt." Tony grinned at his girlfriend and downed his healthy vege-shake. It tasted like crap made out of grass clippings, but he had to stay in tip-top shape after all.
Pepper rolled her eyes and leaned back in her seat. "Tony. Your company card's expenses was just forwarded to me. Marked 'For Your Eyes Only'. Guess what I saw?"
Tony frowned. Then he wrinkled his nose and said, "A well-balanced budget?"
"Three thousand dollars, eight hundred and sixty-seven dollars worth of-" Pepper lowered her voice to a hiss "-of high-end sex toys. What the hell are you thinking of?"
Then Tony remembered. "Ah. Crap. Uh, Pepper, I'm gonna have to call you back."
"Tony, you still have to explain yourself- What is that noise? That loud thumping... noise?"
"Darling, I will call you back. Let me- There's a pipe that Dum-E just broke, and I have to deal with it." Tony signaled for Jarvis to sever the connection, just in time, before a sudden cry of pleasure erupted from the room above Tony.
[Sir, the soundproofing will be completed by tomorrow,] said Jarvis when Tony buried his face in his hands.
The billionaire looked up at the ceiling, knowing full well that the objects of his ire would not know how vexed he was. Even if they did, Tony suspected that one of them would endeavor to be louder, just for the kicks.
"I asked you to assist them in navigating the house and to help them find what they needed."
[Yes you did, sir.]
"When," asked Tony patiently, kneading his furrowed brow, "did I say help them purchase sex toys?"
Jarvis actually hesitated before replying smoothly, [Sir, you did say to help them purchase items they require for the duration of their stay. Since you did not give me express permission to use your personal line of credit, I had to rout their purchases through the official company channels.] Another pause. [The approval came very quickly.]
Tony Stark sighed and winced again when another lusty exclamation came from the two in the guest room above him. "I have a receipt somewhere, yes? What did they buy?"
The nearest screen lit up with the bill of sale, and Tony groaned. "And Pepper saw this."
[I would presume so, sir.]
"Oh gods. I am going to have..." Tony halted mid-sentence. "These things have been delivered?"
[Some, sir. Others are still in shipping.]
"Good. I will browse through the rest and select some for my own purposes," said Tony. Then he grinned wickedly. "I can always argue that maintaining the CEO's physical, mental and emotional balance is a business-related activity, and all purchases thus are business-related."
[You could, sir. Of course, Ms Potts might be a tad annoyed by that.]
"Pepper annoyed I can deal with. As for our house guests, do curb their enthusiasm for items of a private nature, hmm? I've barely seen them in the past three days, and when I do it's only for them to load up of food before they disappear again." Tony snorted. "One would think they haven't fucked in a thousand years."
The phone rang again and this time it was Agent Maria Hill. Tony picked it up with a sense of glad relief that it was not Pepper.
"Mr Stark. I got your message. Both of them are with you?"
"Yes. And before Fury gets furious, keep in mind that the only wrecking either of them have done thus far is on each other." Tony smirked. "When are you guys coming to get them?"
Agent Hill barely cracked a smile. She was icier than Natasha sometimes. Instead, she checked a document next to her and said, "Director Fury has indicated that you keep them with you as guests, and you are to act as unofficial security detail for the entity known as Loki."
"I'm supposed to keep an eye on Loki? I have a job," Tony protested.
"No," corrected Agent Hill. "You have an empire that hums along with or without you at the office daily. You also now have two demigods that are, by your account, so fixated on their physical pleasures at the moment that they have not turned their attention elsewhere. Your job, as you call it, is to ensure that they stay together and stay happy."
Tony made a face. "Gimme his exact words."
Agent Hill cleared her throat, raised the document and now there was a smirk. "Director Fury said, 'It's now your fucking job to keep them happily fucking each other's brains out. Don't fuck with me, I'm having a fucked-up time cleaning up the mess already. If Loki gets loose, it is on your fucking responsibility.' Those were his exact words. Would you like me to fax a copy of his instructions to you?"
"No thank you," said Tony with a too-bright smile. "Thanks again. Bye."
Once the screen turned black he exhaled heavily. "Jarvis?"
"You are still connected to the mainframe of Fury's ship?"
"Good. I'll play watchdog, but he's gonna play voyeur," snickered Tony. "Put that video of Thor and Loki on my lawn on his screen when he logs in privately. Without encryption. Then let him explain to his tech guy why he has demigod porn on his account's history."
[It might not be a good idea sir, but I will do it now.] Jarvis's voice faded.
Tony chuckled wickedly. Above him, the delighted cries rose to a crescendo, and Tony decided to excuse himself. Thor will watch Loki properly enough.